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Afterbirth - AM6 IV
06-09-2018, 01:44 PM (This post was last modified: 06-30-2018 05:07 AM by Frosted.)
Post: #1
Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Stage 1 Day 0 Edit: (missed 4 days; reminder)

I was sitting in my friends car and he looks over and says "You look like you're an emperor". Body language is definitely on point. People I don't know are very serious with me and not much smiling much. Still have a validation and approval seeking problem. Shame is definitely my most prominent issue right now. Keep getting compliments on my looks and I've been looking in the mirror and realizing I'm beautiful and how could I have not noticed before.

Mostly I feel like I've changed a lot but I can't put my finger on it and it also feels like I haven't changed at all. Still got that AM6 anger about being taken advantage of which I want to get over because I want to be at the point where I'm not insecure and have already achieved a state of deservedness instead of fighting to be worthy. Sort of like being a king instead of a warrior. Power vs Force.

Still need AM6 goals so that's why I ditched E2. E2 was only to clear the way for AM6 mostly anyways and I figured why not just cut to the chase and run AM6 again because it's what I want to do anyways and my current goals align with AM6.

Shannon said that 2-3 runs of AM6 is good for most people but after my 3 runs of AM6 I still feel like I have a long ways to go. I would say I need at least 5 runs of AM6 to be at a decent baseline so that means at least 2 more runs.

I have had passing thoughts of this but haven't even been tempted to run the magnets or DMSI because I'm totally uninterested in women if I'm not satisfied with my own growth. What's the point of having a woman if you can't enjoy her and don't feel good about yourself?

AM6>WM2>AM6>SM3(S4)>AM6>AM6(Current)
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Kol
06-09-2018, 02:42 PM
Post: #2
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
According to the index page, today is your birthday. I wish you a happy birthday, Frosted!

A Better Alex (ISTJ): EPRHAASC → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOSDMSI → …
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06-09-2018, 02:54 PM
Post: #3
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Oh... yeah I didn't put my real birthday hehe. I'm 21 and I think my birthday on here says I'm like 40 something lol.

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Zane
06-12-2018, 06:37 AM (This post was last modified: 06-12-2018 06:40 AM by Frosted.)
Post: #4
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Day 3

Just had a really intense dream that changed me. Can't remember it, frustratingly enough. But it was like being taught lessons and given new beliefs and shedding old things in my sleep.

Already noticing stuff from AM6. I noticed changes from the first day. More irritation again. Coming to terms with my shortcommings (humility) and having moments of clarity/insight and peace where my automatic mild negative thoughts don't affect me.

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TheCarp
06-12-2018, 09:13 AM
Post: #5
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Hey Frosted,

good to see that you still are actively engaged in subliminal self-improvement after all you've gone through.

One question though: why 'afterbirth' as your journals title? Is it some reference to a mental growth/being reborn process where your emotional placenta or something comes out? Just curious Smile

What is a scientist after all? It is a curious man looking through a keyhole, the keyhole of nature, trying to know what’s going on. - Jacques-Yves Cousteau
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Frosted
06-12-2018, 10:41 AM (This post was last modified: 06-12-2018 10:43 AM by Frosted.)
Post: #6
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
1. it sounds cool 2. my last journal was called rebirth so this one is after that rebirth so "afterbirth". The reason I titled my old journal rebirth was because I was going through a tough time and needed to reinvent myself. I could've called this journal rebirth 2 but thought this would be better plus I'm a lot better off now and do feel reborn already so hence "afterbirth".

And thanks for the encouragement. That period of my life was rough. I'm glad I stuck it out too.

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Raz
06-12-2018, 09:26 PM (This post was last modified: 06-13-2018 05:48 PM by Frosted.)
Post: #7
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
I was looking over some of my posts and for a split second I was like "This is mine" and then I realized "Wait... I don't normally think this way, this is not normal it's like I don't exist/have a sense of self". I think I don't have a very developed sense of self and this may be one of the symptoms of my schizophrenia. I feel transparent to the world and like there's little separating me from the outside world.

It's weird because I have a really well developed self awareness as far as my emotions and thoughts and I'm really honest with myself. But I don't know who I am. When I think of myself it's like a vague outline. I mean I know my qualities and I know what I'm like but I just don't have that sense of "This is who I am". You know that light that shines from within. It's like I'm a ghost and the main part of my identity is missing that unique feeling of this is me. Who knows maybe everybody's like this.

Idk maybe this is just something that happens if you're beta; a lack of a sense of self.

Edit: something that came to mind is it feels like my self image is blurry. I don't have clarity about who I am. Must be AM6 and the start of having clarity.

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06-13-2018, 04:05 PM
Post: #8
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Day 5.

And here comes the resistance. Neediness, validation seeking, and self qualifying behavior. All around betaness.

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06-14-2018, 05:11 AM
Post: #9
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
I don't think you should put yourself down so much as I feel you do by putting yourself in the "beta"-compartment. You have to remember that you are not just a man who is divided between Alpha and Beta, but you are a human being who is struggling with different aspects of his Self. I think that the use of Beta and Alpha is a bit to related to how we are judged by others, rather than how we actually feel internally. I have noticed that self-assessment is easier done when focusing on how I feel, rather than how I am percieved. It also make the road of fixing my issues way more comfortable to be on, and I can be OK with and that I am not perfect right now, I simply am what I am. And I can also be happy for myself for traveling a road where I will feel better, and become a better and more giving person.

"No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein ¦ "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" Will Smith ¦ "You are you own worst enemy" ¦
"The answer lies within"

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06-14-2018, 05:17 AM (This post was last modified: 06-14-2018 05:53 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #10
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
(06-12-2018 09:26 PM)Frosted Wrote:  I was looking over some of my posts and for a split second I was like "This is mine" and then I realized "Wait... I don't normally think this way, this is not normal it's like I don't exist/have a sense of self". I think I don't have a very developed sense of self and this may be one of the symptoms of my schizophrenia. I feel transparent to the world and like there's little separating me from the outside world.

It's weird because I have a really well developed self awareness as far as my emotions and thoughts and I'm really honest with myself. But I don't know who I am. When I think of myself it's like a vague outline. I mean I know my qualities and I know what I'm like but I just don't have that sense of "This is who I am". You know that light that shines from within. It's like I'm a ghost and the main part of my identity is missing that unique feeling of this is me. Who knows maybe everybody's like this.

Idk maybe this is just something that happens if you're beta; a lack of a sense of self.

Edit: something that came to mind is it feels like my self image is blurry. I don't have clarity about who I am. Must be AM6 and the start of having clarity.

I have been there. It's a lack of self-esteem that you are talking about. I now know that "this is me" because i feel what is "me". It's your connection to yourself that is lacking, rather than that you are lesser than. This is hard to grasp when you are in a low-point and especially if you have been there for a long time. There is nothing _wrong_ with you, it's just that you don't feel the you that you already are. With low self-esteem come comparison to others, negative self-talk and poor self-image. It's not your fault, it's just the connection to you that need to be re-established.

The Japanese tell that the soul lives in your belly, and I think they have a point there. The "self" as we know it is felt in your stomach-area. There is the place where you ego/you live. Know how people is crossing their arms when they feel "attacked" emotionally? It's to protect that energy center.

I have had improvements of my self-esteem since I started running, as it forces you to breathe more fully and deeply from your stomach (if it doesn't, you can do it consciously). You can read some on the "solar plexus chakra" online to get some more tips. There are some yoga poses for that area, and I know that people also recommend martial arts to develop this. And also google wim hof and cold-showers, it's also good for this.

Do you do anything in self-improvement beside subliminals? I have noticed that the effect of subliminals have started to show when I got in contact with myself through other activities, like yoga, meditation, etc.

"No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein ¦ "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" Will Smith ¦ "You are you own worst enemy" ¦
"The answer lies within"

-> E2 journal
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06-14-2018, 06:19 AM
Post: #11
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Thanks for the replies Greenduck. I don't think I was self depricating too much although that was there. It was more like I was acknowledging something that was happening and beta was what I used to describe it. Still valuable info thank you.

Subliminals are the only self improvement I do and so far it hasn't steered me wrong.

I wouldn't say I have low self esteem per se. More like parts of me have low self esteem. It's like having pockets of puss being popped but while they're being popped it hurts and when you are popping these puss pockets of your shadow they come up and show themselves to you.

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Greenduck
06-14-2018, 06:22 AM
Post: #12
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Had a dream that a guy was trying to attack me so I snapped his arm. In the past when I would try to attack someone I would try to punch them but all my strength would be gone. The day before this dream I was thinking how violence is wrong but after this dream I realized violence is necessary for self defense and it felt good to defend myself and feel powerful.

But anyways, I have this ripped up feeling in my chest and it hurts (emotional pain) the way I visualize it is that it's like my chest is dry cracked scorched earth that begs for nourishment.

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stefioan
06-14-2018, 06:34 AM
Post: #13
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
(06-12-2018 09:26 PM)Frosted Wrote:  I was looking over some of my posts and for a split second I was like "This is mine" and then I realized "Wait... I don't normally think this way, this is not normal it's like I don't exist/have a sense of self". I think I don't have a very developed sense of self and this may be one of the symptoms of my schizophrenia. I feel transparent to the world and like there's little separating me from the outside world.

It's weird because I have a really well developed self awareness as far as my emotions and thoughts and I'm really honest with myself. But I don't know who I am. When I think of myself it's like a vague outline. I mean I know my qualities and I know what I'm like but I just don't have that sense of "This is who I am". You know that light that shines from within. It's like I'm a ghost and the main part of my identity is missing that unique feeling of this is me. Who knows maybe everybody's like this.

Idk maybe this is just something that happens if you're beta; a lack of a sense of self.

Edit: something that came to mind is it feels like my self image is blurry. I don't have clarity about who I am. Must be AM6 and the start of having clarity.

Dude, it sounds like you're a teen still discovering their own personal identity. It'd help if you stopped rejecting parts of yourself. Here is some evidence to suggest that you are "I was looking over some of my posts and for a split second I was like "This is mine" and then I realized "Wait... I don't normally think this way, this is not normal it's like I don't exist/have a sense of self"

The whole Death- Rebirth - Afterbirth saga does indicate a conscious mind's desire to enact a certain outcome. Otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to label a journal and hope that your journey follows that path.

As adolescence follows teenage-hood, once you've accepted yourself and are settled in who you are, all of these "problems" that you're experiencing will dissipate.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
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06-14-2018, 09:02 AM (This post was last modified: 06-16-2018 04:43 AM by Frosted.)
Post: #14
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Yeah I think my growth was stunted in some ways. After 12 years old I started feeling numb and passive. I don't think I went through the teenager faze cause I never developed my sense of self then. I never was rebellious or did anything teenagers did. I had been severely mentally and emotionally traumatized so that would make sense that my growth was halted.

I don't know what you mean when you're talking about my journal titles. All I know is that the whole rebirth idea was that I was at rock bottom at the time and it was time to develop into something else and the whole afterbirth thing was meant to mean me growing after the change. And I would say, yeah, I did go through a rebirth. My whole world was turned upside down and I was shook to the core. More transformation than any other point in my life. Not (edit: just) because of AM6. But because of the whole situation with my mental illness or whatever you want to call it.

You're spot on about the rejecting parts of myself thing. It's an enneagram 4 thing. Been struggling with this actively ever since about stage 5/6ish of my last AM6 run. I've come a long way in that regard, facing the parts of myself I don't like.

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Greenduck
06-14-2018, 09:52 AM
Post: #15
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Meh, pay no attention Frosted. Boyish charm is a thing. Wink

No unsolicited advice please. Thank you.
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Frosted
06-15-2018, 06:04 AM (This post was last modified: 06-15-2018 06:19 AM by Frosted.)
Post: #16
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Just had another really intesnse dream that taught me lessons etc. It's like I'm having these every night. Part of this one reminded me about the integrity I had as a kid before it got bullied out of me.

Part of the dream I remember was me watching a tv brainwashing program about fear and I thought it was helping me and then a voice said "Stop it is trying to control you through fear" and I was like "Oh yeah I didn't even realize I was in a trance".

Another was about a bunch of aliens in a parking lot walking around like normal people. Somehow I feel like that part taught me a lesson too.

I feel different. Maybe it will come back but I don't feel twinges of shame/fear as much anymore for my thoughts. More of that calmness I talked about earlier.

I had thought that I was sharing my journal out of validation seeking but I realized deep down I just want to share and it has become distorted through these twinges of shame and fear. Remove that and my slight desperate clinginess for people to see me a certain way and not abandon me and that's what's left.

Edit: btw it's now 3 years since I found this site and started using subliminals. I have come so far. Thank you Shannon.

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SargeMaximus, DavisMind91
06-16-2018, 04:45 AM
Post: #17
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Day 7

Had some random dreams. Didn't directly have messages this time I feel but still felt like I got something from them.

One dream I remember was I was at wallmart walking and I suddenly realized I was possessed so I struggled and barely managed to take two steps on my own and that part of the dream ended. It was like trying to walk while carrying the world on my shoulders.

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06-16-2018, 10:38 AM (This post was last modified: 06-16-2018 10:38 AM by StridingStrider.)
Post: #18
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Good luck Frosted. You'll get there. Smile

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Frosted
06-16-2018, 07:42 PM (This post was last modified: 06-16-2018 07:45 PM by Frosted.)
Post: #19
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Thanks man. I have faith in my progress.

Anyways I was noticing how I can't recall a single happy memory. Every time I try I feel pain. I think this may have been because every time I felt good I was conditioned with painful emotions by others.

Was having a really bad episode of despair and anxiety (even through this I had a core inside me that stayed unreactive it's like no matter how bad it gets I trust myself; like no matter what there's a future and I can find my way) and part of me started feeling arrogant to compensate for my fear. Then out of nowhere I felt confident and at ease and the anxiety and arrogance was gone. It's like my arrogance is the shell of my confidence and the arrogance is compensating by trying to regain my lost confidence and the core is fear when I'm arrogant and when I genuinely feel confident I its something else like... something good that induces real confidence. Love or trust in myself?

That may have been confusing. To put it simply I believe arrogance comes from an ego structure and patterns of behavior. When it's backed by fear I become tyrannical and stiff; its overblown. When it's backed by true confidence I become strong but understanding.

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06-17-2018, 03:15 AM (This post was last modified: 06-17-2018 03:32 AM by Frosted.)
Post: #20
RE: Afterbirth - AM6 IV
Accidentally forgot to listen to AM6 last night but still had really intense dreams.

The last dream I had before waking up was of me rushing to my front door before something came in and I was expecting gray aliens but the beings that forced their way in were gray aliens with mooshead and I suddenly felt at ease and tried to make friends with them. Later they became humanoid and talked about how they liked being off our planet more than on it. I tried to get around to asking the question if they evolved from humans or if they were a different race but that didn't happen. I got the feeling that I would become like them and have their job eventually.

I don't have the rest of the dream but this dream doesn't sit well with me even though during the dream I felt at ease. It could have been an abduction and a dream was put into my head as an altered version of what happened. Or a way I got contacted. Don't think I was abducted though because I don't feel any random pains (except a mild soreness in my chest thats unexplainable). I'm not scared for no reason and don't feel like my sense of power is taken away and I'm not hopless (another sign of abduction). My front door was left open though which doesn't sit well with me I don't remember if I closed it last night or not. I woke up at about 3 something. The most important thing to note is that I still have the memories and knowledge to check if I have been abducted by aliens which they probably would have removed so yeah I think I just had a weird dream and left my door open by accident.

One thing that's weird is that I'm only mildly cautious and not deathly afraid of gray aliens coming or that they've been here... doesn't mean I've overcome my fear yet but don't know why I feel comfortable like this.

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