09-29-2023, 07:13 PM
Day 198 (21 day break complete 5days ago)
I've completed a 21 day break and begun my loops again. I love Maverick. During my 6th month, I began to question whether or not I had would get any more out of the sub. It turns out that I just needed a break.
This time around, Maverick is stoking my inner maniac. "Maniac" is the word I've used multiple times in my offline journal. This maniac is the antithesis of the calculated, measured intellectual I've attempted to be/portray over the past 10-15 years. The root of this is that I didn't want to possess certain qualities exemplified by my dad, or at least I didn't want to be perceived that way. He's quick-tempered, often irrational, comes across extremely childish at times, and he's the kind of guy you either love or hate (most fall into the latter category). He's also one of the most driven, determined men I've ever met. In the 10-15 years, I've criticized him harshly. But I don't think I've ever given him his due credit. That's a poor reflection if me.
That same quality exists in me, but I've neutered it to a large degree simply because I've associated that quality with other qualities that I despise. That drive and determination are emerging. I hate to use the term "force of nature" because I believe it's been used in vain. But that's the way it feels. Natural. Broad. Unstoppable because the emergence has been so subtle that once it (the emergence) is detected, it's too late. It's like enjoying a day at the beach and not knowing that you're about to be overtaken by a 100ft psunami wall. By the time you see it, it's too late. There's no escape.
In the US/LM write up, Shannon mentions an upward spiral effect. I'm experiencing that in the sense of how I push forward. I can't help myself. In hindsight, I sometimes think, "Oh shit...I can't believe I said/did that." Mainly, I'm speaking in the context of my career since that's where a significant amount of my focus lies. I'm borderline reckless. I really pissed off a VP this week. Fuck him. He's so caught up in his own arrogance that he can't see how he's fucking the company he's personally invested in, all to prove a point to himself...that he's so high and mighty that he can't fail. And when someone with Maverick-sized balls comes along and paves his own path, in a simplified, cheaper manner outside of the universe he's trying to create...he doesn't like that. The funny thing is that this is a guy that I looked up to when I first joined the company. I might even go so far as to say that I was intimidated by him at one point. Now, I see him for what he is...a highly intelligent, but emotionally frail douchebag. BTW, this is one of the guys I've mentioned already who has displayed uncomfortable body language.
In other news...I passed an extremely attractive female in the grocery store earlier. She was exactly my type. Being that she was with her bf or husband, I attempted to be respectful and not be overly obvious in how attractive I thought she was. But while checking out, I turned to place something in my buggy. We locked eyes. Instead of turning away like I might normally do (don't want to come across as a creep, right?), we held each others' gaze until she walked by. Nothing juicy occurred, but I thought that might be noteworthy for anyone reading this. As I type this, I'm reminded of another incident that occurred today in traffic where a woman locked eyes with me as she drove by and smiled. Again, nothing juicy here but I can't remember the last time anything like this has happened.
I'm tired and haven't proofread any of this, so forgive me for any grammatical/spelling errors.
I've completed a 21 day break and begun my loops again. I love Maverick. During my 6th month, I began to question whether or not I had would get any more out of the sub. It turns out that I just needed a break.
This time around, Maverick is stoking my inner maniac. "Maniac" is the word I've used multiple times in my offline journal. This maniac is the antithesis of the calculated, measured intellectual I've attempted to be/portray over the past 10-15 years. The root of this is that I didn't want to possess certain qualities exemplified by my dad, or at least I didn't want to be perceived that way. He's quick-tempered, often irrational, comes across extremely childish at times, and he's the kind of guy you either love or hate (most fall into the latter category). He's also one of the most driven, determined men I've ever met. In the 10-15 years, I've criticized him harshly. But I don't think I've ever given him his due credit. That's a poor reflection if me.
That same quality exists in me, but I've neutered it to a large degree simply because I've associated that quality with other qualities that I despise. That drive and determination are emerging. I hate to use the term "force of nature" because I believe it's been used in vain. But that's the way it feels. Natural. Broad. Unstoppable because the emergence has been so subtle that once it (the emergence) is detected, it's too late. It's like enjoying a day at the beach and not knowing that you're about to be overtaken by a 100ft psunami wall. By the time you see it, it's too late. There's no escape.
In the US/LM write up, Shannon mentions an upward spiral effect. I'm experiencing that in the sense of how I push forward. I can't help myself. In hindsight, I sometimes think, "Oh shit...I can't believe I said/did that." Mainly, I'm speaking in the context of my career since that's where a significant amount of my focus lies. I'm borderline reckless. I really pissed off a VP this week. Fuck him. He's so caught up in his own arrogance that he can't see how he's fucking the company he's personally invested in, all to prove a point to himself...that he's so high and mighty that he can't fail. And when someone with Maverick-sized balls comes along and paves his own path, in a simplified, cheaper manner outside of the universe he's trying to create...he doesn't like that. The funny thing is that this is a guy that I looked up to when I first joined the company. I might even go so far as to say that I was intimidated by him at one point. Now, I see him for what he is...a highly intelligent, but emotionally frail douchebag. BTW, this is one of the guys I've mentioned already who has displayed uncomfortable body language.
In other news...I passed an extremely attractive female in the grocery store earlier. She was exactly my type. Being that she was with her bf or husband, I attempted to be respectful and not be overly obvious in how attractive I thought she was. But while checking out, I turned to place something in my buggy. We locked eyes. Instead of turning away like I might normally do (don't want to come across as a creep, right?), we held each others' gaze until she walked by. Nothing juicy occurred, but I thought that might be noteworthy for anyone reading this. As I type this, I'm reminded of another incident that occurred today in traffic where a woman locked eyes with me as she drove by and smiled. Again, nothing juicy here but I can't remember the last time anything like this has happened.
I'm tired and haven't proofread any of this, so forgive me for any grammatical/spelling errors.
