OF3 - Seeing some light

[findingme]

Day 16
2nd off day

Where am I going?

Yeah. OF3 is changing something. I had 2 short crying spells today at work while alone. No flashbacks or anything negative, nothing bringing it on from obvious ways.

The first was the driver who I worked with, my first time with him. I had a judgment early on I carried from another driver, and I tried to find fault in my mind most of the day--all in my head. I thought this, I thought that, but what I became aware of is...I was afraid to drop my own guard with him. I felt my own fear of being vulnerable. After losing the mental battle that he was "bad", I remember just breaking down for a few seconds.

Then, right when I came back to the shop, a mechanic met me right when I parked the work truck. He approached me and said he wanted to ask me something in private. He showed me a scratch on his own car, which I couldn't deny. I'd been the only one who parked next to him with the work truck. I was guilty, but he quickly said he wasn't going to do anything (he's having it painted this week--set up weeks ago), and I could only feel regret for doing it unaware. When I got in my own vehicle, I wept, similar to this morning. I'm still soft.

I've felt open all day, relishing in people being extremely kind to me. It felt really, really desirable.

I've wondered why I'm crying. It's not tainted with bad feelings. No, quite the opposite. My mind is fighting me right now typing this, but I think my fears of being loved are being worked on.

[findingme]

Day 17
3 loops listened to while sleeping

It was digging last night before I ever started listening again. I realized my mind was fighting hard to hold its ground, and I put in 4 1-hour silent loops before OF3. This morning I feel a little uncertain, young even.

I'm daring myself to not put on a front, which is why I'm writing. I'm thinking of my future day today, and the little kid in me is terrified, constantly looking for some old hideout or distraction. I see him scared, but lonely. I don't think I should see him as an enemy, just one with opposing thoughts. He's part of me, and he's scared for a reason.

And clear thoughts were showing up last night before bed. I realized I cried after speaking to the mechanic since...."he should have abandoned me. Everyone does" (my thinking). I found people extremely kind to me all day yesterday. I'm wondering what I'm giving off vibe-wise since people are really welcoming me in. In my old days, THAT would have scared me away. My biggest internal clash is that I can accept it fully. Maybe even be worthy of that. I write that since an old voice says "no, no". My old "safe thinking" told me I would never be worthy--maybe that was Mom's message, as I thought of her while writing. Wow, remembering 30 years back now.

And one thing I've enjoyed about OF3 is that it seems to keep me in the present moment. My mind has always found fear in either my past or my future, but in the present, not really. I'm remembering stuff, but not getting stuck there. Thank you for that feature Shannon. Getting stuck in our pasts might have made OF3 a dismal failure. It doesn't keep me there, and that's absolute golden. I actually stopped looking for popular healing modalities (therapy and such) due to that. Some call it "healing hell", since a lot of it is. No thank you. Thank you for your choices while making OF3.

[findingme]

Day 18
2 loops this morning while sleeping

Why am I so scared? I thought this and am going to share it.

Must be going through a change since I'm getting pissed at me skipping and dancing around (performing) trying to win someone's approval. I do that. It's REALLY getting me pissed.

If I see a link in there, I see myself trying to pose for anyone interested since you'll see parts of me you like. The REAL me is left behind, and I'm pissed----not used to owning anger--I'm not kidding. I dance around it, push it away, fear it'll hurt you--and then you'd not like me. I'm f$@#ing leaving that since that bullshit rules my head.

Tears came through, like a small release.

F##k. (trying to backpedal now)

[findingme]

Day 19
1st rest day

I had thoughts of being on other subs yesterday since nothing dramatic was coming up--no, it was really just fear of being honest. I'd not felt the anger in myself. I've downplayed journaling out of fear. But all that anger didn't show until I began writing. If I'm going to write, I'm gonna do my best to be honest. It's always been my testing ground.

Last night a BS detector popped up and wouldn't take any of it. Was it OF? Ultimate Detox? Who cares. It showed in force.

[findingme]

Day 22
3 US loops while sleeping

I'm feeling and experiencing something new to me. I didn't want to write this morning, and........I think I'm seeing why now. Maybe.

I had read Shannon's response to Jake Friday of how he keeps deluding himself again and again not seeing progress, and I'm guessing I'm seeing a bit of self-BSing in myself. My BSing is me looking for pity when none is needed. Damn. Yep. Old patterns. So, I've not posted, and I've really not worried about it. Coming here and putting on some BS show is a stressor for me. No thank you.

Friday, I cancelled my off day, and I ran 5 loops. I kept hearing that number in my head, so I followed it and took the next 2 days off. I tended to do what was important the next 2 days. I wrote my miner, got real with him, but I was in control of myself. He listened, and I shared with him something that's working in my own life, not money-related, though it affects everything.

I also was mean to my sister yesterday, and I made amends after. She'd called me, and I heard her turn the conversation into a real attack on me, though she kept being indirect. I owned it, stewed on it, and texted a nasty response back with it ending "F*** you!" I was mad, but scared. And after this last week of loving others and myself, me softening gradually, I sent an honest "I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt you." since I knew I'd cut her.

She asked me to call so we could sort it out. I did. I misunderstood her completely. She was trying to sidestep an issue in her own life (her being indirect), and she was talking about herself. I had come into our original conversation silently wanting some support, and listening for it. She had been beating her own ass, and I had thought she was attacking me.

I cried when speaking to her. Relationships are very vulnerable, we both had needs, and I saw the effects of telling her off. That hit deep.

We both owned our parts, I felt my emotion throughout, and I'm still kind of vulnerable this morning. I'd be more if I didn't have to head into work. Well..... Maybe I might show myself to someone I'm working around. It is possible. I'll leave here with that.