Ltu 6

[Greenhaze]

So on my third cycle havent felt like posting anything at all until right now at 3 in the morning. As for things happening I have been taking care of my money alot better than I did on ums, i have noticed i am able to actually speak to girls now, at least girls at work before I was only saying one word answers, now I can actually talk to them before there was a tremendous amount of fear in doing that, that is gone.

I have also started planning for future as well, looking into buying land and seeing how much to build a house all the planning that goes with it.

Have also noticed me cleaning more, like today I just grabbed a rake was cleaning my backyard, didn't even realize what I was doing until it was halfway done, and with cleaning I have alot of procrastination to doing it, also the fact that I still live with my parents and whenever I start to clean my mom makes a snide comment that completely turns me off from doing it, and just today was thinking about that and she has done that throughout my life, these little snide comments and it has shaped my perception and will of doing things for example i was going to school and do engineering.

 I told her that and in her exact words "you're not going to be able to do that, you aren't good enough" she has been saying things like that since I was young, didn't realize how much it affected my life until now on how i dont apply myself to anything i dont risk anything because somewhere in my subconscious that is going through my mind, even though my concious mind really wants to do it and is excited by doing it, but then that will creep in and I will stop doing it, and regress back, I believe this is also the reason why I watch porn, not for gratification but because it's a way to not deal with anything, to keep me complacent and never challenge myself and it's all one big vicious circle, so then how do you break the circle?

[fab10]

So on my third cycle havent felt like posting anything at all until right now at 3 in the morning. As for things happening I have been taking care of my money alot better than I did on ums, i have noticed i am able to actually speak to girls now, at least girls at work before I was only saying one word answers, now I can actually talk to them before there was a tremendous amount of fear in doing that, that is gone.

I have also started planning for future as well, looking into buying land and seeing how much to build a house all the planning that goes with it.

Have also noticed me cleaning more, like today I just grabbed a rake was cleaning my backyard, didn't even realize what I was doing until it was halfway done, and with cleaning I have alot of procrastination to doing it, also the fact that I still live with my parents and whenever I start to clean my mom makes a snide comment that completely turns me off from doing it, and just today was thinking about that and she has done that throughout my life, these little snide comments and it has shaped my perception and will of doing things for example i was going to school and do engineering.

 I told her that and in her exact words "you're not going to be able to do that, you aren't good enough" she has been saying things like that since I was young, didn't realize how much it affected my life until now on how i dont apply myself to anything i dont risk anything because somewhere in my subconscious that is going through my mind, even though my concious mind really wants to do it and is excited by doing it, but then that will creep in and I will stop doing it, and regress back, I believe this is also the reason why I watch porn, not for gratification but because it's a way to not deal with anything, to keep me complacent and never challenge myself and it's all one big vicious circle, so then how do you break the circle?

Wow, these are great results, both short term improvement and targeting of deep issues. Congratulations.

[Greenhaze]

Thank you, yeah its clearing all the stuff that's holding me back fast, also I found another reason why I watch porn and it is boredom, because of what I said last post about what my mom has said to me, I internalized all of that like I said and as a result I have no hobbies, i come home from work and I'll sit down and it's like my mind is blank just a empty husk and I get bored and it just leads to me watching porn because it's the only thing that can give me a big enough dopamine hit

And the reason why it's the only thing that can give me a dopamine hit and this is hard to admit but with porn it's not a over and done thing, I have sat and watched it for hours on end multiple tabs open etc for years since I was around 14-15 and if your dopamine receptors are fried then it all just gets screwed hence the reason multiple hours a day to porn. 

Now if I'm focusing this much on porn since I started ltu it has got to be extremely damaging, I have since I started been focusing on it everyday, trying to stop I'll go a few days then relapse, so hopefully it will disappear soon and I wont ever have to watch it again, and I like to think maybe ltu is focusing on the porn the most because of how massive a problem it is and when that's cleared, any other problem will just be shooting fish in a barrel, wont even be a challenge.

And surprisingly almost forgot I have been looking at motorcycles and I found one today that I really like, it is a project but something told me it will help get you out, put your mind into this instead of porn and my  last post said any excitement I have for doing something it disappears almost immediately, now this could be because I am listening to ltu right now as I type this but excitement is still there, excitement for a challenge to be able to build something with my hands, I am.actually looking forward to it which I havent had that feeling in a very long time

[Greenhaze]

So I wrote out a long post and then it somehow got deleted when I went to preview it and I do not feel like writing it all again 

I ended up taking a week off stage 2 when I took vacation i have no idea why maybe massive resistance on my.part it happened on my days off and it's like I completely forgot I was running ltu until Sunday 

During that period my thinking and actions seemed to go back to how they were before I ran ltu and after running the loops on Sunday while I was sleeping I woke up in a bad mood, kind of kicking myself, and went I went to work I immediately started asking myself why am I waking up at 6 to go to work and make money for someone else when I should be at home sleeping and making money for myself.

So in the space of half hour i ended up writing 3 business ideas, the details, how to execute them, what I need for them, ranking them on which one provides the better lifestyle I want, that bad mood also only lasted until I was done writing out those ideas, after that I was very happy 

So all that happened but the question I have is for that week off would I need to start stage 2 over again? Or would I make up for the lost loops somehow?