07-11-2010, 06:23 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-12-2010, 10:42 PM by Tigerlilly.)
Thank you, Ronotello and Ryan, for your comments. I went back to find the post about the Titanic. I will keep plugging away. Resistance in its positive form does create a level of tenacity that keeps me going even when things are not going as I had anticipated, desired, or expected. Since tenacity in this regard is a good thing, promoting a better existence and level of achievement for me, I fully intend to continue. I think the days when I turn into the whiney little girl, unhappy with my progress, are the days self doubt has crept in and I am unable to stop the spinning.
Anyway, thank you both for the encouragement!
As always Shannon, many thanks for your input as well! I do hope you are recovering from the cold/flu that has been slowing you down.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day Listening – 6 hours
Night #28 – 11 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ASC; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: Recall was difficult today.
Got up super ealy, 5:30 am, and tired to make it to the 6:30 am pilates class. Was 10 min. late (I’m always late – for everything) so they wouldn’t let me in. I didn’t have sneakers with me, so I couldn’t go for a run and kill time until the next class so I went back home. Threw more grass seed on the lawn, finished off a bag of mulch around the newply planted perinnials and shrubs. Cleaned up the patio, Most of the time it was raining while I was doing this, but at 75 degrees, the rain felt good.
Once I finished that, did a few small chores in the apt. then and finally wnet for a 2 mile run. Pain in my knee slowed me down quite a bit and I would have liked to have run further, but even hitting the pavement with the ball of my foot didn’t help much.
Worked on some small projects, avoiding of course, the large project for school due next week. Since I have an appt. with the director of my program on Tue. To show him my progress, it looks like I’m going the be spending the next three days working madly. Typical.
My knee continued to bother me, in fact it got much worse, probably cause I kept trying to manipulate it myself. I decided to see a chiropractor. My landlord is a chiropractor, and his office is only like 6 block away. Instead of going to my regular chiro (who I have not seen in 3 years) I called my landlord’s office and amazingly was given an apt. ½ hour later. Turns out to have been a really good thing, he had a slow afternoon and spent quite a bit of time fixing me! He was able to work on my neck (and the crazy knots still there even after the massage) in addition to a few adjustments on my spine and shoulders. So glad I called on a whim. This guy is great! Total Eastern medicine office, acupuncture, body and energy work, herbs, etc. Clearly the place I was supposed to be yesterday.
Went to a little going away party for a classmate who has decided to switch programs. Met many people. Brought the dog, who was a huge hit and everyone loved her and of course she was incredibly well behaved. Found myself being fairly social even though I was not feeling like I was in the best mood. When I left I told myself to put on my game face and suck it up since I would probably not see this person again for a couple of years. At one point it sort felt like I was holding court. There were 4 or 5 guys just chatting it up with me. Some married, some not. All nice and friendly enough and several were architects. Turns out my pal has loads of friends who are architects or in related fields. Surprisingly, no one talked shop, which was good as far as I was concerned cause that can get boring. I stayed about 1.5 hours, left when there were still lots of people. Always good to leave on a high note than stay too long. It’s taken me ages to learn that rule.
Bed around 1:30 am – decided not to try to get up early to exercise since I slept so poorly the night before I figured it would be best if I just shut off the alarm and woke on my own.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day Listening – 5 hours
Night #29 – 9 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ASC; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: Vaguely remember the dreams to be about food, specifically hamburgers. I had remembered more details when earlier today, but now that I am actually getting around to typing journaling, I’ve lost a good portion of the details.
Practiced some affirmations this morning and listened to a subliminal from Brain Sync – Attracting Love – 3 time (30 min. recording) while walking the dog. I feel much better when practicing affirmations and meditating first thing in the morning rather than later in the day. It’s like it sets the tone for the day. It’s always been like this for me, but is probably even more important now that I am trying to get the best out of the subliminals I am using.
Managed to finish some projects today. Including swapping out winter/fall clothing for summer clothing. Now most of the boxes I’ve been tripping over for the last month are back where they belong in storage. Just one more thing I was procrastinating on and lacked motivation to do.
I seem to be throwing out a lot of stuff. Not that I would consider myself a packrat, but every time I opened a box I found items I just didn’t feel like keeping any more. Perhaps a result of the “Letting Go” subliminal? I still have way more clothing and shoes than the average women. (When I initially went to art school, it was for fashion design, but I was tossed out of that art school and program. I was very angry at the time, and tossed the letter they sent me tossing me out, but getting kicked out of that school was probably the best thing that ever happened to me – now I wish I had the letter – it’s like a badge of honor! I mean really, who gets kicked out of ART school?) Anyway, I am still a style diva in that regard but NOT a fashion victim. I don’t adhere to trends, (I make my own – LOL!)
Anyway, managed to get that swapping done and a couple of other small things. Then a last minute invitation to a house party kept me out until midnight. Glad to get out, even if only for a few hours. Sometimes I wonder if I just spend too much time alone.
No running today, in fact, no exercise at all. The knee was a little cranky early in the day, but by the end of the day was not bothering me at all. Doc said I should take it easy for a week, so no running, but I can use an elliptical or Stairmaster. So glad I went to the Chiropractor. Looking forward to my adjustment next week! I will be so great to get rid of all the knots in my neck, back and shoulders!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day Listening – 2 hours
Night #30 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ACS; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Cannot remember a single dream. Restless night for sleeping, waking up at least ½ doz. times. Totally annoying! I had a couple of beers and a martini at the party and wonder if the cocktails are partly to blame for the restless night and lack of dreams.
My mood was average today. Not good, not bad. I had not even planned to go out, but a last minute invite to my friends place where several other peeps I know and haven’t seen in a while would be got me out of the house. I had a good time chatting it up with new and old friends. I only stayed a few hours, preferring to leave before things got sloppy (as it was looking like it had the potential). Better to leave on a high note as they say.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #31 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ASC; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: I woke up a couple of times last night, and when I first woke this morning, I was thinking about my dreams, now that I’ve finally gotten around to writing, most of the details have disappeared. I do remember the CC was in a number of them again. In another, I was living with my mom. For reasons that are not clear, not only were we living together again, but we need to either switch bedrooms or share a bedroom. Changing the curtains and position of the beds are predominant details. I was incredibly annoyed by this change as I was not going to be near a window any longer and didn’t like the curtains. I was upset with my mom for making all these changes, but I didn’t convey my feelings to her.
I suspect that this dream refers to feelings I am holding back in other aspects of my life, i.e. the former romantic relationship, issues regarding my feelings of the grad program I have not conveyed to my director or university in general, and possibly for older feeling that I did not convey when younger. (We moved frequently – I attended 10 schools from 1 – 12 grade, switching schools in the middle of the school year on 3 different occasions. I suspect that might be way I detest moving more than the average individual. Since living in Chicago, nearly 15 years, I have moved only 4 times.
Today I was in a good mood all day. I’ve wanted a gas grill for ages and have been looking on Craig’s list for a couple of weeks for a grill in good condition and inexpensive. Today I found one. Drove out to the burbs and picked it up, put it back together, and even got propane. I’m all set for grilling! This makes me very happy! I can now grill veggies and of course, some burgers.
Sometimes I feel like I’m channeling Sybil. It seems like every day my mood is different. I know my mood is totally effected by the amount of sleep I get, less sleep, more crabby, but sometimes it seems like my moods are far too erratic. I need to have more good days than bad days, and I’m not sure that is happening yet.
I spent some time verbalizing affirmations as suggested by Shannon. If I can be more consistent about this I am certain it will be helpful. The days I spend time verbalizing the affirmations my mood does seem better. I think I may record my voice, repeating the scripts stated in the various subliminals to repeat them back to myself each morning before I begin my day.
I will try this method for 1 week before selecting only one program to use to see if this lifts my mood more consistently and I become less resistant. The fact that I still do not feel motivated to tackle my school projects and continue to avoid them with unimportant activities (like hunting for a gas grill) after nearly a month of listening to the subliminals suggests that my resistance is much greater than I could have ever imagined. I guess I thought just listening to the subliminals would cure me of this issues but it would seem that if I am not proactive about this issue I will continue to encounter resistance. I have even been resistant to practicing the affirmations and scripts verbally. It is almost like I don’t want to help myself, then whine when nothing changes for me.
Anyway, thank you both for the encouragement!
As always Shannon, many thanks for your input as well! I do hope you are recovering from the cold/flu that has been slowing you down.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day Listening – 6 hours
Night #28 – 11 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ASC; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: Recall was difficult today.
Got up super ealy, 5:30 am, and tired to make it to the 6:30 am pilates class. Was 10 min. late (I’m always late – for everything) so they wouldn’t let me in. I didn’t have sneakers with me, so I couldn’t go for a run and kill time until the next class so I went back home. Threw more grass seed on the lawn, finished off a bag of mulch around the newply planted perinnials and shrubs. Cleaned up the patio, Most of the time it was raining while I was doing this, but at 75 degrees, the rain felt good.
Once I finished that, did a few small chores in the apt. then and finally wnet for a 2 mile run. Pain in my knee slowed me down quite a bit and I would have liked to have run further, but even hitting the pavement with the ball of my foot didn’t help much.
Worked on some small projects, avoiding of course, the large project for school due next week. Since I have an appt. with the director of my program on Tue. To show him my progress, it looks like I’m going the be spending the next three days working madly. Typical.
My knee continued to bother me, in fact it got much worse, probably cause I kept trying to manipulate it myself. I decided to see a chiropractor. My landlord is a chiropractor, and his office is only like 6 block away. Instead of going to my regular chiro (who I have not seen in 3 years) I called my landlord’s office and amazingly was given an apt. ½ hour later. Turns out to have been a really good thing, he had a slow afternoon and spent quite a bit of time fixing me! He was able to work on my neck (and the crazy knots still there even after the massage) in addition to a few adjustments on my spine and shoulders. So glad I called on a whim. This guy is great! Total Eastern medicine office, acupuncture, body and energy work, herbs, etc. Clearly the place I was supposed to be yesterday.
Went to a little going away party for a classmate who has decided to switch programs. Met many people. Brought the dog, who was a huge hit and everyone loved her and of course she was incredibly well behaved. Found myself being fairly social even though I was not feeling like I was in the best mood. When I left I told myself to put on my game face and suck it up since I would probably not see this person again for a couple of years. At one point it sort felt like I was holding court. There were 4 or 5 guys just chatting it up with me. Some married, some not. All nice and friendly enough and several were architects. Turns out my pal has loads of friends who are architects or in related fields. Surprisingly, no one talked shop, which was good as far as I was concerned cause that can get boring. I stayed about 1.5 hours, left when there were still lots of people. Always good to leave on a high note than stay too long. It’s taken me ages to learn that rule.
Bed around 1:30 am – decided not to try to get up early to exercise since I slept so poorly the night before I figured it would be best if I just shut off the alarm and woke on my own.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day Listening – 5 hours
Night #29 – 9 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ASC; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: Vaguely remember the dreams to be about food, specifically hamburgers. I had remembered more details when earlier today, but now that I am actually getting around to typing journaling, I’ve lost a good portion of the details.
Practiced some affirmations this morning and listened to a subliminal from Brain Sync – Attracting Love – 3 time (30 min. recording) while walking the dog. I feel much better when practicing affirmations and meditating first thing in the morning rather than later in the day. It’s like it sets the tone for the day. It’s always been like this for me, but is probably even more important now that I am trying to get the best out of the subliminals I am using.
Managed to finish some projects today. Including swapping out winter/fall clothing for summer clothing. Now most of the boxes I’ve been tripping over for the last month are back where they belong in storage. Just one more thing I was procrastinating on and lacked motivation to do.
I seem to be throwing out a lot of stuff. Not that I would consider myself a packrat, but every time I opened a box I found items I just didn’t feel like keeping any more. Perhaps a result of the “Letting Go” subliminal? I still have way more clothing and shoes than the average women. (When I initially went to art school, it was for fashion design, but I was tossed out of that art school and program. I was very angry at the time, and tossed the letter they sent me tossing me out, but getting kicked out of that school was probably the best thing that ever happened to me – now I wish I had the letter – it’s like a badge of honor! I mean really, who gets kicked out of ART school?) Anyway, I am still a style diva in that regard but NOT a fashion victim. I don’t adhere to trends, (I make my own – LOL!)
Anyway, managed to get that swapping done and a couple of other small things. Then a last minute invitation to a house party kept me out until midnight. Glad to get out, even if only for a few hours. Sometimes I wonder if I just spend too much time alone.
No running today, in fact, no exercise at all. The knee was a little cranky early in the day, but by the end of the day was not bothering me at all. Doc said I should take it easy for a week, so no running, but I can use an elliptical or Stairmaster. So glad I went to the Chiropractor. Looking forward to my adjustment next week! I will be so great to get rid of all the knots in my neck, back and shoulders!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day Listening – 2 hours
Night #30 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ACS; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Cannot remember a single dream. Restless night for sleeping, waking up at least ½ doz. times. Totally annoying! I had a couple of beers and a martini at the party and wonder if the cocktails are partly to blame for the restless night and lack of dreams.
My mood was average today. Not good, not bad. I had not even planned to go out, but a last minute invite to my friends place where several other peeps I know and haven’t seen in a while would be got me out of the house. I had a good time chatting it up with new and old friends. I only stayed a few hours, preferring to leave before things got sloppy (as it was looking like it had the potential). Better to leave on a high note as they say.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #31 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. ASC; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: I woke up a couple of times last night, and when I first woke this morning, I was thinking about my dreams, now that I’ve finally gotten around to writing, most of the details have disappeared. I do remember the CC was in a number of them again. In another, I was living with my mom. For reasons that are not clear, not only were we living together again, but we need to either switch bedrooms or share a bedroom. Changing the curtains and position of the beds are predominant details. I was incredibly annoyed by this change as I was not going to be near a window any longer and didn’t like the curtains. I was upset with my mom for making all these changes, but I didn’t convey my feelings to her.
I suspect that this dream refers to feelings I am holding back in other aspects of my life, i.e. the former romantic relationship, issues regarding my feelings of the grad program I have not conveyed to my director or university in general, and possibly for older feeling that I did not convey when younger. (We moved frequently – I attended 10 schools from 1 – 12 grade, switching schools in the middle of the school year on 3 different occasions. I suspect that might be way I detest moving more than the average individual. Since living in Chicago, nearly 15 years, I have moved only 4 times.
Today I was in a good mood all day. I’ve wanted a gas grill for ages and have been looking on Craig’s list for a couple of weeks for a grill in good condition and inexpensive. Today I found one. Drove out to the burbs and picked it up, put it back together, and even got propane. I’m all set for grilling! This makes me very happy! I can now grill veggies and of course, some burgers.
Sometimes I feel like I’m channeling Sybil. It seems like every day my mood is different. I know my mood is totally effected by the amount of sleep I get, less sleep, more crabby, but sometimes it seems like my moods are far too erratic. I need to have more good days than bad days, and I’m not sure that is happening yet.
I spent some time verbalizing affirmations as suggested by Shannon. If I can be more consistent about this I am certain it will be helpful. The days I spend time verbalizing the affirmations my mood does seem better. I think I may record my voice, repeating the scripts stated in the various subliminals to repeat them back to myself each morning before I begin my day.
I will try this method for 1 week before selecting only one program to use to see if this lifts my mood more consistently and I become less resistant. The fact that I still do not feel motivated to tackle my school projects and continue to avoid them with unimportant activities (like hunting for a gas grill) after nearly a month of listening to the subliminals suggests that my resistance is much greater than I could have ever imagined. I guess I thought just listening to the subliminals would cure me of this issues but it would seem that if I am not proactive about this issue I will continue to encounter resistance. I have even been resistant to practicing the affirmations and scripts verbally. It is almost like I don’t want to help myself, then whine when nothing changes for me.
TigerLilly
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
