LTU: Moving forward

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm the exact opposite: I've got stuff to do, but I just lazily sit on my ass instead. I relax too much.

BTW, skateboarding sounds like a GREAT idea!

[Shannon]

I find riding my electric unicycle to be incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating. Unfortunately, I usually choose to work instead.

[Omni3]

I find riding my electric unicycle to be incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating.  Unfortunately, I usually choose to work instead.

I've got a couple of pedal powered ones Haven't ridden them in a while.

[mat422]

I'm the exact opposite: I've got stuff to do, but I just lazily sit on my ass instead. I relax too much.

BTW, skateboarding sounds like a GREAT idea!

That was me for a long time. I realized it wasn't laziness, but anxiety. I think there are some people who are truly lazy and don't care, but I believe for a lot of people it's a symptom of something else.

I used to love skateboarding. I was never any good, fear got in the way a lot. So it got discouraging watching other guys beasting it while I struggled with something as small as a dropping in on a quarter pipe. I'm going to try enjoying myself this time around. I think my biggest struggle has always been being unable to find a 100% relaxing hobby where I don't stress about being good at it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm the exact opposite: I've got stuff to do, but I just lazily sit on my ass instead. I relax too much.

BTW, skateboarding sounds like a GREAT idea!

That was me for a long time. I realized it wasn't laziness, but anxiety. I think there are some people who are truly lazy and don't care, but I believe for a lot of people it's a symptom of something else.

I used to love skateboarding. I was never any good, fear got in the way a lot. So it got discouraging watching other guys beasting it while I struggled with something as small as a dropping in on a quarter pipe. I'm going to try enjoying myself this time around. I think my biggest struggle has always been being unable to find a 100% relaxing hobby where I don't stress about being good at it.

You might be right. If it IS some form of anxiety, hopefully the FRM will do it;s thing and eliminate it.

[mat422]

I'm not gonna dance around this, I felt like I needed to say it. I was super close today to calling it quits all together from these subs. I kept thinking, what if there's a better way? What if Shannon's subliminals aren't the best for me? No disrespect, it's just that I feel like I'm flying blind here a bit. I've always prided myself on understanding how my own mind works, but experience has shown me I don't have a clue. So realizing that and then adding subliminals into the equation, there's just a lot of doubt if things are actually working for me.

I'm not quitting. I'm trying harder to keep pushing myself past my sticking points. For me that means a lot of anxiety and headaches. I've tried for a while now to figure out how to execute this sub in a way that doesn't cause intense discomfort, but I haven't found it. Every time I go that route I slip up and don't move forward. So instead of trying to avoid these, I'm just accepting that they may be a part of the growth I just have to grit my teeth and work through. I don't like it and I wish my intense fears didn't make me reject positive changes. But I haven't been able to find anything that works for me.

I hit a real low this past weekend. I was working on some music and enjoying myself. In that moment I felt so fulfilled, no worries, life just made sense to me. But it was sunday and as it hit 6 oclock my mood plummeted. The realizations hit me that I wasn't anywhere close to making music a full time thing, I was still stuck in a job I didn't really care for, and I wasn't doing that great financially. I just felt defeated to be honest. I don't have crazy aspirations in life, I just want to enjoy my damn life. Why is that so hard? 

Yeah on paper you could probably list all the reasons I don't feel fulfilled, but what's really missing is why I have so much trouble just changing those things. Take getting a new job for example. Seems like a simple concept, but really there's like a thousand different things that make that so hard for me. The biggest one being the fact that I still haven't beat social anxiety or my avoidant tendencies. It took me almost a year in this job just to start being somewhat comfortable and I'm still not all that great. It's crap like that that just makes my life more difficult than it needs to be.

[mat422]

Alright no more long winded posts from me. I'm done. Quick status updates and if something big happens. I think I use this journal as a way to trick myself into being further along than I am. Reading back that last post I see a complete lack of responsibility for controlling where my thoughts go.

I also look at other posts on here and sometimes people are stuck. It doesn't help break me out of my own mentalities. I start thinking things about these subs that's probably just the fear running rampant.

In short, I'm trying to do things in my life. Not talk about doing them and fluffing my own ego with false progress.

[mat422]

Alright I lied because I had an epiphany today. I've been getting angry at LTU for causing me anxiety which is dumb. It keeps pushing me to improve my life and I've been responding by treating it like some annoyance that I have to ignore. This undesirable thing that is ruining my life when really it's what's trying to improve it.

I saw clearly today that you're either facing your fears or you're not. And if you're not, you're not moving forward. All my rationalizations and mental gymnastics to avoid facing these fears and looking for an easier way, it was just stalling. The focus should be on the goals and on my way to those goals if I have those fears I have to push past them. I kept trying to get to a certain point without doing the necessary inner change to get there. I kept derailing LTU because anytime things got turbulent I'd revert to my usual habit of trying to relax and detach from the thing I fear. I realized I wasn't practicing relaxation, the relaxing effect was a consequence of no longer pushing mentally towards my goals outlined in LTU.

I now have a singular focus of moving forward, regardless of whatever headaches, anxiety, nausea, fatigue, etc. come about. And all the negative thoughts and feelings of failure were just ways to keep me in my comfort zone. I won't entertain these thoughts anymore.

I think what LTU is bringing about now is some of the hardest change I've ever tried to make in my life. But I'm certain a few years ago I couldn't even bring myself to face this challenge. So at the very least just being on the path to fighting these fears and moving past them is a huge step for me.

[Shannon]

Great realization, and great job, Mat!

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon!

I don't know if this is something that the FRM is working on or I'm just pondering more. But humans are very easily killed. I know that sounds morbid, but hear me out. I think a lot of people walk around in denial of their mortality. It's never really called into question until a bad injury or a lot of pain or sickness or really harsh living conditions. I think for me I subconsciously believe anything outside of this immediate bubble I've created for myself is danger. You can see how that's a problem because how do you explore life if you don't put yourself outside of that bubble? Or even I expect horrible things to happen to me if I venture too far from "safety". This is probably due to my upbringing with my Dad to be honest. He grew up in the Bronx and life lessons from him were danger around every corner, eye's open at all times, be  cautious, etc. He meant well, but I think it just systematically taught me fear to an absurd degree.

Perfect example. I went to a techno show in Brooklyn a few weeks ago. I wasn't too familiar with the area. So right away I felt a little unsure. The venue was the back of some bar, not all that official. Alright, it happens and not every show is at an official venue. So I'm in there enjoying the music when I see out of the corner of my eye some dude slumped in a chair with his hand around his stomach. A whole bunch of other guys surrounding him and then a security guy walks in with a flashlight looking for stuff. My first reaction? That dude got shot. Turns out he was just really drunk. But the fact that my mind escalated that fast was because I was raised with so much fear. That and I admit I'm sheltered as hell. I'm not tough in any way, I haven't faced a lot of adversity in life. Just scared to death of most things. It's probably comical to most people that live in that area that I thought that way because I wasn't in a ghetto or anything, just a city. Just typical suburban kid fright. Except I'm 28 so I'm a grown adult.

Anyway this leads into my next topic. I've been talking with someone that says I should really travel outside of the US to get some perspective. But of course where does my mind go? Fear. I think if I leave the US something terrible will happen. I don't really have freedom because about 90% of my decisions in life have been dictated by fear. You can't experience the world in it's entirety if you're afraid of everything except those things within your immediate circle of comfort. That's where I really want to be. I want the whole world to be open to me. Not this tiny circle I've constructed for myself.

So yeah, I'm kind of seeing how this fear goes way deeper than worrying what people think about me like I originally thought. Although I guess that is a component if you consider the ramifications of being ostracized in society. Maybe not modern day, but a long time ago in tribes or groups. If you were an outlier there was  a strong possibility you were a dead man. Completely absurd to have these fears, but I guess better I understand them and acknowledge what I'm working with no matter how ridiculous it seems.

[mat422]

One thing I've noticed is that LTU works in bursts. So if I'm going about my day and I feel my mood take a nosedive it's usually my subconscious working on something.In those moments I have to remember not to attribute those emotions to my current situation.

I had one of those moments at work yesterday. Felt like I needed to get up and leave, but I just sat with it. I don't think I take enough mental breaks at work to collect myself. I find myself building up tension and stress but only notice after it's gone too far. Then I need to decompress.

Anyway I'm back on visualizing. I fell off with that when everything was weighing me down. I'm embracing the idea that everything comes to me as I need it. I've been hanging around a subreddit having to do with manifestation and it helps just associating with people who experience life in an enjoyable freeing way. Not the typical grind and needing to break your back to enjoy it. I think this is what people call "luck" when they don't understand how manifesting works. Having the belief that one is lucky sets the assumption that good things happen in life to you all the time without effort or trying. The only thing that stops most people from making that the standard is the fact that most of us are shamed for getting things easy in life or the fact that it's weaved into our society that there are "no free lunches". Very limiting, but I'm working on opening up my mind and seeing what I can do for myself.

[mat422]

Crappy day today. Couldn't finish a track I was working on. I got stuck. Normally I push through it and try to finish. But finishing for the sake of finishing? It just seems fear based to me. Taking time to craft what I really want, I think that's the route i really want to take. One of my favorite artists Tipper took almost 4 years to finish one of his albums. Now I'm not saying I need to spend that much time, but my point is sometimes I rush to the end a bit too fast and I'm dissatisfied with what I've created. So I start a new track, rinse and repeat. It's no wonder I avoid working on stuff, I try to take it all in big chunks and get it over with. It's the completely wrong way of going about things.

On that note it's the same thing with my own personal growth. I want it now as fast possible as soon as possible. But the fact is if I could have it now, I would. The fact that it's a bit hard for me is due to the fact I still need to work through things to get there. As long as I stay consistent I'm good, but I've been trying to go 100% 24/7 and I realized you can't maintain that. Some days will be better than others and that's ok, it's not a failure to execute the sub.

One thing that's been bumming me out though. Every so often I watch tutorials on youtube for music production and there are so many people out there that have this solid knowledge. That they can teach others and whatnot. I know a decent amount, but I just feel so incompetent in what I do compared to everyone else. In the end for me it's the music that matters and all these techniques are to further my creative expression. Sometimes I just stumble upon stuff and it works out.

At the same time I feel like I've never really been good at anything. I always wonder how people get there. Not the skill, but the confidence. The confidence in knowing what you're doing and competence. I wonder if it's just my self limiting beliefs at times or if I'm really just far away from where I need to be in terms of skill. I feel like anything I really try is harder for me than most people. Maybe my fear of failure that always nudges me to avoid things and play it safe so I always hit a wall that I have to try to overcome that most people don't deal with. There's just the skill gap for them. Whereas I have the skill gap AND overcoming that fear. So it's a lot to deal with. Sometimes I feel like cognitively I'm not all there. Especially lately I find it really hard to follow people in conversation unless it's a chill topic. What I mean is when people ask me things at work about a problem. I hear the words but not much registers. And then I'm trying to figure out what they said and also solve the problem simultaneously. I can't tell if that's due to LTU or I've always had issues with that.

But anyway things aren't as bad as they were a few weeks back. My whole doom and gloom nothing is going to work out episodes are really just fear, I recognize that now. So I don't dwell on them. I remind myself it's just a way to keep me here in my comfort zone or an exaggeration based on my current struggles. But it's not the truth.

[Paul1131]

Thanks Shannon!

I don't know if this is something that the FRM is working on or I'm just pondering more. But humans are very easily killed. I know that sounds morbid, but hear me out. I think a lot of people walk around in denial of their mortality. It's never really called into question until a bad injury or a lot of pain or sickness or really harsh living conditions. I think for me I subconsciously believe anything outside of this immediate bubble I've created for myself is danger. You can see how that's a problem because how do you explore life if you don't put yourself outside of that bubble? Or even I expect horrible things to happen to me if I venture too far from "safety". This is probably due to my upbringing with my Dad to be honest. He grew up in the Bronx and life lessons from him were danger around every corner, eye's open at all times, be  cautious, etc. He meant well, but I think it just systematically taught me fear to an absurd degree.

Perfect example. I went to a techno show in Brooklyn a few weeks ago. I wasn't too familiar with the area. So right away I felt a little unsure. The venue was the back of some bar, not all that official. Alright, it happens and not every show is at an official venue. So I'm in there enjoying the music when I see out of the corner of my eye some dude slumped in a chair with his hand around his stomach. A whole bunch of other guys surrounding him and then a security guy walks in with a flashlight looking for stuff. My first reaction? That dude got shot. Turns out he was just really drunk. But the fact that my mind escalated that fast was because I was raised with so much fear. That and I admit I'm sheltered as hell. I'm not tough in any way, I haven't faced a lot of adversity in life. Just scared to death of most things. It's probably comical to most people that live in that area that I thought that way because I wasn't in a ghetto or anything, just a city. Just typical suburban kid fright. Except I'm 28 so I'm a grown adult.

Anyway this leads into my next topic. I've been talking with someone that says I should really travel outside of the US to get some perspective. But of course where does my mind go? Fear. I think if I leave the US something terrible will happen. I don't really have freedom because about 90% of my decisions in life have been dictated by fear. You can't experience the world in it's entirety if you're afraid of everything except those things within your immediate circle of comfort. That's where I really want to be. I want the whole world to be open to me. Not this tiny circle I've constructed for myself.

So yeah, I'm kind of seeing how this fear goes way deeper than worrying what people think about me like I originally thought. Although I guess that is a component if you consider the ramifications of being ostracized in society. Maybe not modern day, but a long time ago in tribes or groups. If you were an outlier there was  a strong possibility you were a dead man. Completely absurd to have these fears, but I guess better I understand them and acknowledge what I'm working with no matter how ridiculous it seems.

Some of what you’re describing there is a good thing, though you may lack the experience to refine it.  That mental alarm system has kept me from blundering into some real bad scenes.  You did an excellent job with the guy at the techno show.  You saw something wrong, realized it might indicate danger went on high alert, gathered information on what really happened and then lowered your alert level when you determined there was no danger.  You’re doing better than you think there.

[mat422]

Thanks man, never thought of it like that. Funny you say that because I've been talking with someone that says I should trust my gut more. And I used to, but I stopped for some reason.

---

Well quick update. I think I only got one loop in of LTU last night. I've been playing it from my computer because I wanted the lossless quality. But after this I'm going back to my mp3 player hooked into the wall. I never really had problems with that and my computer puts out a lot of heat at night too.

So tonight I'm just restarting my 4 days. I was only a day in so it's not a big deal.

Found myself looking at alternatives to subliminals today. Probably resistance tactic. That line of thinking that something better could be out there, but really I'm just running away from LTU.

Also calling myself out on that last post I made. More limited thinking. The whole "I can only change at this pace/shifting goals". If I base my entire belief system bases solely on past experiences clearly I'm not going to experience anything new. That's why I'm doing this anyway, to transcend those limiting perspectives and improve my life.

Interestingly enough prior to having those thoughts I was consistently focusing on NOW. Bringing the experience of what I want into the present, as soon as possible, as quick as possible. And I felt my state shift dramatically, but something must have got spooked because I fell into the old trap of "I'm trying too hard/I need to slow down".

It's all very subtle and intangible, that's what makes this hard sometimes. Constantly ending up going down the wrong path as it pertains to executing the sub. Lots of trickery. But focusing on as soon as possible and doing my best to kill any excuses helps keep my mind focused on where I need to go. One really deceptive tactic is the "oh I don't really want that" rationalization. That excuse stems from fear and as a way to get rid of the goal so I stop.

Still trying to figure out why I'm filled with so much fear when it comes to leading a happier life.