Journal of Alpha123

[alpha123]

Hi

I am on stage 3 of Alpha 2011 with 8 more days to go. For some time, I have been more ready to say what I mean to my boss, my colleagues and my friends. If all goes well, I plan to do the SM 2.0 afterwards. My hope is that it will drastically reduce my lifelong shame and guilt issues concerning sex. I also hope to find a woman (or two). Last night a dreamt I was wearing a helmet that kept talking to me. It made me very irritated, so I threw it off – kind of funny!

Alpha123

[Shannon]

Hi

I am on stage 3 of Alpha 2011 with 8 more days to go. For some time, I have been more ready to say what I mean to my boss, my colleagues and my friends. If all goes well, I plan to do the SM 2.0 afterwards. My hope is that it will drastically reduce my lifelong shame and guilt issues concerning sex. I also hope to find a woman (or two). Last night a dreamt I was wearing a helmet that kept talking to me. It made me very irritated, so I threw it off – kind of funny!

Alpha123

Welcome aboard, Alpha123! Good to see you making a journal. We look forward to reading more.

[alpha123]

I am two weeks into stage 4. It seems I am opening up more easily. I have started taking dancing lessons. I am getting more comfortable around women I consider pretty. On a few occasions, I have been talking with people on the bus. I did state my opinion with my boss again - very good! Also, I have been applying for new jobs.

In the beginning I tried listening at night, but this prevented me from getting proper sleep, so now I listen at work and in the afternoon. The problem is, I can't walk around with plugs in my ears if I want to talk to people. I am definitely changing, as I want to have more interaction with people around me.

Generally, with every stage, it seems like I am excited in the beginning of every stage. Then follows some resistance in the second week. After that, I start to enjoy it. The most difficult so far was stage two. Stage four seems quite easy, piece of cake, really!! He, he!

I do not think I will get a lot of results unless I focus on developing alpha traits by other means also. I have been reading books, talking to friends with such characteristics and also gotten some professional help.

[Spiral]

Hey Alpha123! Glad you have decided to join us. It's a great feeling stating your opinion especially to someone like your boss. I hope the best for you on your journey and have fun!

[Shannon]

Results are often easier to see when looking back. It's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're walking through it.

[alpha123]

I have done three weeks of Stage 4. As with the last stage, it gets easier now. Had an argument again with my boss, who is very controlling. But I stand up and keep my cool. Also, my colleagues support me. When we change, I guess the world will test us to check if it is real.

I am doing another program, not a subliminal, in which I am now supposed to do something a little bit crazy, like for example walking around in silly clothes or put a finger in my nose while in shop or something. It scares me, as I am obviously still worried about how others perceive me.

I am certainly getting more eye contact with women and talk to them more easily.

I give everything while doing exercise. It is fun.

Listening to subliminals seems to have caused somewhat dark rings around my eyes. But as I am now sleeping better, it will probably go away.

Also, as I have some experience doing meditation, I have started listening to the subliminal while meditating. This seems to be effective.

[Shannon]

When you change, you must deal with the momentum of your previous reality. Have you ever tried to change the direction of a rapidly spinning disc? Momentum causes the disc to try to spin in the same direction and resist change. But when we change, we must deal with the inertia of the world around us, until it also changes, which it will.

How on earth would listening to subliminals cause dark rings around your eyes? I can't figure that one out.

[alpha123]

This is what I think. In the beginning I started to listen at night. But I did not sleep well and got dark rings under my eyes. Now I listen in the day time, so I guess it will go away.

[Shannon]

Hmmm, perhaps you were not getting enough rest, and using it at night gave you even less. I suppose that could explain it. You're the only person to ever report that though.

[alpha123]

OK. It is not a big deal anyway.

[alpha123]

Yesterday I invited two women home to make sushi. This is major, and difficult to believe that I did. I am extremely happy about inviting them, even if they are not coming, but in fact I think they will.

Yesterday in the queue at the local supermarket, I saw a beautiful women behind me. Without thinking, I turned around and looked her in the eyes. She met my gaze. Wonderful! I am amazed about getting the urge to turn around and look her in the eyes, instead of immediately starting to think negatively about how she perceives me. Too bad I did not say something like "Hi, has anybody ever told you you have beautiful eyes" or even better, commented on her four cans of beers and a pizza "Party today?" This would have been great, but it will have to come later. I really want to be able to talk freely to beautiful women. I want to be a great charmer. Also, the cashier, quite pretty, who has been treating me coldly in the past, gave me a fresh "Hi".

The dancing lessons are going OK. Because I have never danced before, it is a little difficult, and I am awkward. But I can tell that the instructor likes me. She encourages me and says I have good rhythm. The boxing is going well, too. I have not done that before either. Boxers are actually straight forward and nice people. It is not about hurting people, even if it is necessary to have some courage. I told the instructor I was a little afraid, she said if anybody are hitting me too hard, I can just tell them that they are hitting me to hard, and ask them to take it easy. So simple. It's all in my head, since I am a beginner, nobody has been hitting me at all. This big, experienced guy was suddenly in front of me, and I got afraid just by looking at him. He held up his guard and told me, just hit me all you can. Obviously, I did not hurt him at all. Afterwards, he was quite friendly.

Quite soon, I am going to Paris by myself. I plan to see Versailles, a samba show and an operetta, and all just because I want to. Planning stuff like this just for myself is surreal. Must remember to say "Bonjour" all the time.

Today I am going to a cafe by myself. I am going to try to say "Hi" to somebody, preferably a woman, and read a magazine. After that I will do a good workout in the back yard.

I have befriended a natural seducer. He is amazing, the way he talks to and thinks about women all the time. In the beginning I did not understand why he valued all his female friends so much. Now I understand - they are all potential lays. If he gets in contact with a women he lingers on and keeps talking. Buying something in a shop from a beautiful woman can take a long time, while I wait patiently, feeling awkward. If he sees something he likes, like an object, he picks it up and look at it. He is very clear about what he likes, and often wants to get his way. But it is also quite easy to ask him for a favour. He might not do it all at once, but he will do it in his time, and he gets the job done properly. He enjoys the company of men, like going for a walk in the woods. He really, really likes to talk about women and sex. Quite soon, I will go out on town with him. Then I will study how he does it all.

To be truthful, the thought of sex scares me, even if I want it. Even the thought of saying "Hi" scares me. I am very fed up with this nervousness. It is absolutely not useful in any way.

All these awkward years.

[alpha123]

I went out to the coffee shop. I woman sat down beside me. I started talking to her. We talked for at least one hour. She was a couple of years older than me, but very nice and interesting. While she talked she fiddled her hair and touched her lips. I have learned that this indicates interest. Just for the record, this is the first time I have been talking to a woman like this, who I have never met before. I have gained a lot of confidence today, and I want more. Now let's workout.

[Shannon]

It sounds like AM is doing wonders for you.

[alpha123]

Had a meeting with my boss again. Now she acts like everything is OK. I have stood up for myself in a good way and kept my cool.

Went outside for lunch with two colleagues. At one table there was only one woman. We sat down. I chatted a little with her.

This weekend I am going to a samba parade school.

I have been nervous about non-intellectual interaction with women since I was a child. This is a long time ago. One week left of Stage 4. This is the last easy week.