Jake's UMOP 1 & UMOP 2 - **CLOSED**

[Jake2015]

Wed 12 December

Today is Day 80 of UMOP in total (UMOP + UMOP2) & Day 23 of the New UMOP2 = 80:23

Day 3 of cycle 5
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Time : 4.14am GMT

I haven't listened to the sub since 3rd December = 10days.

I'm back home in UK for Christmas. Slept from 8pm to 3am. Can't sleep.


MAJOR EPIPHANIES:

1) I use tinder, women, etc as a way to procrastinate I think or to fill a void of loneliness or inaction. Rather than focus on what I should and need to do i instead such as go to sleep I'll rather waste time on these apps/sites.

2) Not listening to sub was down to boredom and sleep.

I want to break each down:

A) boredom: I got bored of playing the sub. I didn't realise at the time but I got bored and unmotivated to listen. I found it to be a chore rather than something to look forward to. Not seeing results does get tedious and staying motivated for so long has it's ups and downs.

B) Sleep: I have both a fear of sleeping and maybe not sleeping is fear based leading to procrastination.

I want to break these down:

I) I recall now that from around 2000 to 2015 I had a fear of actually falling asleep. It wasn't an obvious fear. It wasn't something that would cause me to break out in sweat but I knew at the time that for some reason I feared sleeping and maybe it was due to fear of death during sleep or something else.

II) the reasons for not listening to the sub for 10 days have been due to lack of sleep or unplanned sleep times.

Let's break this down

II.1) lack of sleep. The sub requires 4hours 32mins. Due to not getting this amount of sleep since the 3rd has resulted in failure to play. I haven't had this much sleep due to not being able to sleep early and having to wake up early.

- the reasons for this have been many

II.1.a) not getting enough sleep leading to erratic sleep schedule. Due to travelling back and then cramming for test/exam followed by lack of desire to sleep early.

II.1.b) caffeine. I drink only coca cola zero. Water is tasteless usually or boring. I end up thus ingesting caffeine from this as well as from cups of tea which all adds to keep me awake. I have a natural sensitivity to caffeine or sugar or both since coca cola after 1 sip awakens me.

II.2) unplanned sleep schedule is often times falling asleep due to intense fatigue which leads me to not be able to connect my phone, set alarm, turn to flight mode, connect to speakers and hit play. This was the case today as well. When I finally got to bed at 8pm. All I wanted to do was sleep rather than get out my speakers here in uk and get started. I was too tired to care.

Summary:
Sleep, caffeine = fear.


Any positive signs?

I do have a greater urge to study. The inaction hasn't changed merely the dreaming has increased a little.


Plans:

1)I have decided to try and study during these Xmas days off as well as plan my exercise and nutrition. I have to start exercising and eating right now. Xmas won't be the best time to start as temptations will be everywhere to eat well so I won't be hard on myself. Drinking water will be a focus to get off coca cola zero. Tea without milk won't be bad as won't be green tea and herbal tea without milk sugar honey etc so again I'm trying to be less perfectionist about all this.

2) I had decided a month ago when I was last in the UK that constant travelling doesn't help me, my sleep or my schedule with the subs. I thus decided then that after Xmas I won't return backto the UK until semester ends in the summer. 1 trip won't be a major issue but only if I really have to.

I will therefore use this trip to buy everything I need to and can afford to at this time to take back with me to Europe so that I don't need to return to the UK if I don't have to.

I haven't given up I just always seem to be struggling and facing a daily battle.

Sharing this has I hope:

1) been good data for @Shannon . The boredom aspect surprised me as I think this was tackled many many subs/years ago.

2) it's been kind of carthatic to share and thus hope from tomorrow to get more active in my planning and with playing the sub at night.

Thank you