Monday 12 October - Day 8 of Cycle 2 (Day 2 of no listening)
Lastnight I went to sleep around 4am my time and woke at 7am (I had set my alarm) so that I could message the girl to have a nice trip to work as she has to drive 2.5hrs there and 2.5hrs back. I wanted her to know I cared and was thinking of her. When she finally read my message she told me twice to get some sleep as I had only had 3hrs and by then I was feeling exhausted so i took her suggestion and went to sleep.
I had set my alarm and thus I think I woke and snoozed and slept around 3 different times. I do believe that at each time there was a bad dream. I dont recall the dreams now sadly except to say that the last dream was enough to get at me so that when I woke I thought it was real and so relieved it wasnt. I think 2 or all 3 dreams were about the girl though and how things in the dream went down so im relieved they were only in my mind.
The dreams I must reiterate are only remembered when I have broken sleep. This is what I have noticed in the past even when I am not on subs and this time on this sub its the same. I dont know if that means its definately the sub or its simply just the way I am.
Stonewalling wise so far I am playing as scheduled and planned and so far I havent noticed anything that would give me any indicator, concrete indicator as to whether im stonewalling or not so I guess we just have to patiently wait and see.
Today I had to make an international bank to bank transfer/payment and I tried a website that is cheaper than using your own bank. I had planned to do this all weekend as I have a deadling of 29th and this weekend wasnt a productive weekend for me so today was the goal. Sadly the website didnt work and I began to get anxious and feel stressed. I then breathed and spoke to myself saying take it easy and relax and see another way around this. I relaxed. I was wondering if its the sub at play but I also realised that since the deadline isnt upon me then the level of stress wasnt going to be as heavy as usual and thus the anxiety was short-lived.
I then went back to plan A which was just to use my normal more expensive bank to do the transfer and there were again some hiccups and stresses however I remained calm.
The final thing I wanted to share was another fear of mine that I think I forgot to put on the initial list and only occurred to me as I read another OF journal lastnight.
This is the fear of time. A fear I know that contributes to my procrastination and my wastage of time is this fear that there is not enough time and that I am simply not going to have enough time.
I know that with me also things I need to do that are mental and congnitive from simply finding the best deals online for something as simple as a vitamin and comparing prices and brands to something more seems to take me a very long time. I dont know if this is perfectionism within me or what but the time to do the task is drawn out and i sense this is related to fear somehow but if so ive no real idea how.
Addendum: As usual I have more to add now lol
So I made a list of things I had to do today. From simple things to bigger things. I have either procrastinated on these or well I guess thats what I have done. I have so far completed 6 of the tasks and im currently in the half way stage of number 7. Im on a roll and im just getting on with things and the motivator is the girl. She was questioning me yesterday and perhaps the day before as to why it takes me so long to get things done as I was telling her whatever I got up to in my day and so today I realised its time to get on with more things and just keep going so im doing that and keeping myself busier than usual. Shes a good influence on me it seems.
Addendum2:
So ive complete 8 things from my to-do list out of a possible 9 (or 10 if you count adding kitchen paper to a shopping basket online as a task lol). thats pretty darn amazing even for me!
Im now going to take a well earned break I think and start item 9 tomorrow. After my break if I feel like it ill start 9 tonight.
Addendum 3: ok so paper added to supremarkets online shopping basket so thats 9 tasks now complete from a possible 10. lol
Lastnight I went to sleep around 4am my time and woke at 7am (I had set my alarm) so that I could message the girl to have a nice trip to work as she has to drive 2.5hrs there and 2.5hrs back. I wanted her to know I cared and was thinking of her. When she finally read my message she told me twice to get some sleep as I had only had 3hrs and by then I was feeling exhausted so i took her suggestion and went to sleep.
I had set my alarm and thus I think I woke and snoozed and slept around 3 different times. I do believe that at each time there was a bad dream. I dont recall the dreams now sadly except to say that the last dream was enough to get at me so that when I woke I thought it was real and so relieved it wasnt. I think 2 or all 3 dreams were about the girl though and how things in the dream went down so im relieved they were only in my mind.
The dreams I must reiterate are only remembered when I have broken sleep. This is what I have noticed in the past even when I am not on subs and this time on this sub its the same. I dont know if that means its definately the sub or its simply just the way I am.
Stonewalling wise so far I am playing as scheduled and planned and so far I havent noticed anything that would give me any indicator, concrete indicator as to whether im stonewalling or not so I guess we just have to patiently wait and see.
Today I had to make an international bank to bank transfer/payment and I tried a website that is cheaper than using your own bank. I had planned to do this all weekend as I have a deadling of 29th and this weekend wasnt a productive weekend for me so today was the goal. Sadly the website didnt work and I began to get anxious and feel stressed. I then breathed and spoke to myself saying take it easy and relax and see another way around this. I relaxed. I was wondering if its the sub at play but I also realised that since the deadline isnt upon me then the level of stress wasnt going to be as heavy as usual and thus the anxiety was short-lived.
I then went back to plan A which was just to use my normal more expensive bank to do the transfer and there were again some hiccups and stresses however I remained calm.
The final thing I wanted to share was another fear of mine that I think I forgot to put on the initial list and only occurred to me as I read another OF journal lastnight.
This is the fear of time. A fear I know that contributes to my procrastination and my wastage of time is this fear that there is not enough time and that I am simply not going to have enough time.
I know that with me also things I need to do that are mental and congnitive from simply finding the best deals online for something as simple as a vitamin and comparing prices and brands to something more seems to take me a very long time. I dont know if this is perfectionism within me or what but the time to do the task is drawn out and i sense this is related to fear somehow but if so ive no real idea how.
Addendum: As usual I have more to add now lol
So I made a list of things I had to do today. From simple things to bigger things. I have either procrastinated on these or well I guess thats what I have done. I have so far completed 6 of the tasks and im currently in the half way stage of number 7. Im on a roll and im just getting on with things and the motivator is the girl. She was questioning me yesterday and perhaps the day before as to why it takes me so long to get things done as I was telling her whatever I got up to in my day and so today I realised its time to get on with more things and just keep going so im doing that and keeping myself busier than usual. Shes a good influence on me it seems.
Addendum2:
So ive complete 8 things from my to-do list out of a possible 9 (or 10 if you count adding kitchen paper to a shopping basket online as a task lol). thats pretty darn amazing even for me!
Im now going to take a well earned break I think and start item 9 tomorrow. After my break if I feel like it ill start 9 tonight.
Addendum 3: ok so paper added to supremarkets online shopping basket so thats 9 tasks now complete from a possible 10. lol
OF3 5.75.7G 13/15Vol
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
