In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

You can start by building your relationship with your subconscious mind. It's there to help you. If it's screwing it over it's because you've trained it to do that at some point in life.

I'll invite you to imagine what kind of relationship Shannon has with his subconscious mind. If you can imagine having that too then you're on the right track

Gonna definitely work on that.

---

Alright 6 loops caught up with me. I'm dead tired today. Upon further consideration I think it's less that the 6 loops is pushing me forward and more that I'm sleep deprived and less likely to put up a fight. Not very efficient.

I'm going to work on communicating with my subconscious more. 2 loops should be sufficient. It's not the amount of loops and beating down the subconscious, it's about effective communication. That can be done without overloading my brain.

So I think tonight I'll skip listening and just let my brain process all this info I put into it these past few days.

I know I've done this before bouncing between 2, 4, and 6 loops. I even came to the same conclusions. Yet I did it again. But after reading Shannon's post about consistency and collecting data, I kind of want to see what's actually effective vs placebo. More loops = more results might be what I expect so I'm more likely to execute the programming. When in reality 2 and 6 loops might have a negligible difference in efficiency but 6 loops might demand more resources than it's worth. I'll meditate on it for a bit and see what my subconscious gives me instead of assuming it's a resistance based response.

[mat422]

Thinking I might give B a shot. At this point in my life I think I need greater perspective and to branch out in life, not turn inward so much. I feel like maybe A is too internally focused for me and using B might be enough to break my cycle and get new experiences. I've learned as important as healing and clearing is, sometimes actually having new positive imprints in life can be more powerful than merely trying to get rid of the negative.

Will be switching over tomorrow night. This'll be my first time on B so I'm curious to see how I react.

[kalmah0804]

If I were you, I'd try and hold out on A until Christmas. That was I believe what we initially said the plan should be, and if you can hold out just another 7 days, perhaps you'll hit a MAJOR H/C breakthrough that you couldn't have ever possibly seen coming.

I think after Christmas though you should try switching to B to see if you get better results without destroying yourself too much.

[mat422]

If I were you, I'd try and hold out on A until Christmas. That was I believe what we initially said the plan should be, and if you can hold out just another 7 days, perhaps you'll hit a MAJOR H/C breakthrough that you couldn't have ever possibly seen coming.

I think after Christmas though you should try switching to B to see if you get better results without destroying yourself too much.

Alright sounds good. I'll stick to that plan. Though I'm really doubtful about hitting a major breakthrough. But who knows. I just know Shannon said B can sometimes give you the push to make changes A can't. But I guess that can wait to experiment with.

[CatMan]

I love A and am committed to it. I know I need the clearing and healing and like the idea of constantly improving my life indirectly through it. So I don't mind digging in with it long term to give myself the best chance of improving. I feel that even if I resist the "aura" "manifestation" stuff, I can still gain the focus A has on clearing and healing and continue to improve. For me and others in my boat, to me it seems like a good way to go forward, more consistent progress than just risking constant stonewalling on B like what happened to me before when I did it.

Even now, 9 months later, last NIGHT even, I'm getting dreams etc. relevant to C&H on A. So it's still digging and excavating and improving me. And that was stuff from when I was a young boy that one of the dreams was about. So it's going further and further back now, which is great! A couple weeks ago, most of them were about high school themes, so it's going farther back over time. So, my advice, do what I'm doing: nothing but constant Version A, until you get full 100% design goal for at LEAST 192 days. Then it may be time to do B if so desired for a little bit more focus on it's objectives. I love the side benefits of A and it's C&H focus, seems tailor made to everyone. Don't forget B was only created to appease certain people in complete denial about their horrific needs of C&H awhile back.

I love your journal, Matt.

[mat422]

Thanks Catman. Yeah I've decided to stick with A for now long term. Not going to switch to B yet. Gonna write more tonight with some stuff I've been going through as far as H&C goes. For now I'll just say I've noticed a lot of layers I'm digging through, some things popping up that I didn't even think I was holding onto

[mat422]

As promised an update. To start off, really messed up dream I had. My mom died, then I didn't bury her body or anything. I just kept a rotting corpse in my own house. I think it represents me letting go of looking to my mom for safety. I've made a lot of progress over the past few years, but when I was younger I was definitely afraid of a lot of stuff and turned towards my mom to console me instead of facing those things. Now it feels like I'm gaining the strength and courage to face my own fears and to stop relying on other people to do it for me.

I'm realizing more and more now what it takes to move past these issues I have. In my case it's about being less analytical about my behavior and how I feel. I think for some people that works and using a framework of logic and reason can be enough to turn around their beliefs. But I've learned my primary strength is dealing with these things on a more intuitive feeling based realm. I had a moment today where I could sit with the emotions coming up and watch them. I told myself they weren't permanent, but I had to go though it to end up better. Knowing I wasn't diving into an endless abyss gave me the courage to face what was coming up with the intent of releasing it. The endless pages of misery I used to compose on this journal was just rumination with no intent of releasing what pained me. I definitely see now how everything I think unfolds before me and it's wise to keep my thoughts positive and uplifting. I can either choose to be positive or negative, so the answer is obvious, why would I continue to create my own misery?

Today at work I found myself conversing a bit more with everyone in the building. The main difference was I wasn't doing it to fit in or because I was worried about being too quiet. I just did it because I wanted to. It's weird but it felt like for the first time in my life I was normal. Prior to this I often felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong, and I should just keep to myself.

Still working on getting in touch with my sexuality. I've realized that I probably fear sex so much because I view it as a very intimate thing. To me it seems to go even further than those conversations you have with people where you reveal the deepest parts of yourself. I'm still working on overcoming intimacy issues in general, not just sex. It seems I don't share myself enough with others out of fear but also a poor self image of myself. I'm breaking that habit of believing I'm not good enough for people, I know it's just a delusion. It no longer feels like the truth to me, but more of something I have to be mindful of and to stop feeding it and allowing it to grow.

Completely unrelated, but I've decided to buy myself an electronic drum kit for myself. I don't know the first thing about playing drums, but I'm going to learn. I think the most important thing to note about this decision is that for once in my life I'm not putting unnecessary pressure on myself to be amazing at it. I'm just gonna have fun learning to groove to rhythms and incorporate it into my own music. Feels like my first decision I've made in a long time not fueled by some obsessive need to validate my self worth with it.

[kalmah0804]

i also have a huge fear of sex and the intimacy that comes with it. My first (and only) sexual experience was so lacking in intimacy that it almost fucking traumatized me. I was so fucking jarred and shocked by the exprience that I almost disassociated in the middle of fucking her... it was really bad and I would never recommend it.

Work on yourself, and I'm glad you're learning that you need to overcome your fears and what your fears are. The first step to overcoming our enemy is to identify him, so... that's a huge positive step forwards.

[mat422]

My journal entrys take forever to write. Every time I sit down and tell myself it's gonna be a quick update it's like my mind just vomits all over this page. Then I have to figure out what's important vs just endless ramblings. So let's see if I can keep this short.

Compassion for myself is something that I've been off and on with. It seems like I realize how to give myself compassion one day and forget the next. It's almost like I'll be compassionate towards myself until I screw up or don't achieve something. Ironically that's when it's needed the most. Since I'm human I'm inevitable going to do something stupid or make a mistake in my life. When I do it's important to realize I'm not a failure. But it's even more important not to switch to some narcissistic defensive point of view. When I've screwed up in the past or in general just don't live up to other people's standards I got really hostile. Instead of accepting what I did and being understanding I'd just shift the blame. Not having that ability to be compassionate with myself caused a lot of hatred for myself. After a while it was inevitable that my mind built up defense mechanisms to take that hatred off of myself.

I'm noticing subtle shifts in learning to take care of myself better instead of beating myself up. I'm telling myself no to hurtful thoughts that I think. I've also stopped thinking of these thoughts as coming from some negative source and accepted that it's me and I'm the one doing it to myself. One thing that I guess my mind has a hard time grasping is why I would do this to myself. More importantly, why I would continue doing it to myself despite knowing it hurts me. It's like putting my hand on a hot stove and telling myself I'm not allowed to take it off.

That's about it. My sleep quality has been abysmal these past few days. Waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning for no reason. Also a reluctance to go to sleep. I probably still have anxiety about my job. Worried about screwing something up or an issue popping up that I can't solve and my coworkers judging me for it. I need to stop that shit though, I'm not a mind reader and these are all my projected thoughts. Even if they think I'm not as good at this job as I said I would be, screw it, I'm done holding myself to ridiculous standards and being all anxious about not being good enough. I want to make mistakes, learn, grow, and stop basing my worth as a person based on how well I do at something. Just typing it all out I realize how much stress I've been under and I haven't even realized it. There has to be a better way for me. The realization that it's not the job that's stressful, it's how I react to it. Being at the mercy of the job every day I go in is not the right attitude to have.

[mat422]

Some real ugliness coming out of me right now. My knee jerk reaction was to push it away, but then I realized I have to heal from this stuff. A lot of apathy, disconnection, anger, and sadness. Today I went from extreme feelings of rage, to deep sadness, then back to feeling good, then some serious anxiety. It feels like I'm continually pulling up repressed emotions and subtypes of myself that I've pushed away due to a desire to be "good".

This company I work for is good. Really nice people. Yet I feel really apathetic and disconnected from them. And I'd have a habit in the past of criticizing myself for not being more appreciative or grateful, but then I realized that was just shaming myself. I'm going through some stuff right now and it's rough. I think I have dealt with depression for a lot of my life and something most people don't get is it's not really the sadness that gets to you. It's the muted impact of positive stuff in your life. And when you have a pretty good life compared to others, yet still feel that empty feeling, it can make you feel incredibly guilty for not being able to appreciate what you have.

That's what I'm going through right now. I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly and I'm trying to maintain a handle on my work at my job. But today I just felt like leaving. Like I couldn't do it anymore. And the more I told myself I could, the more it felt like I was just trying to throw a bandaid over some deep emotional issues I've been neglecting. When I open myself up to this healing, really get in touch with how I'm feeling, things really turn upside down for me. And I want to just shut it off so I keep being productive or stable, but then I realize that doing that is like silently suffocating.

I've gotten really good at denying my own feelings and just doing what needs to be done. But that's no way to live life. And I don't know how efficient DMSI is supposed to be at healing, but it's really messy for me. And I seem to constantly cut off the healing too soon because I want the undesirable feelings to stop and get to the good stuff. It's quite similar to my perfectionist mentality actually. All or nothing. It's like when I see a goal or something is too far off, it's crippling and I'd rather not even try because I don't want to go through the parts where I'm not good enough.

Ironically it feels like now that I'm feeling worse, I'm feeling better? Like I can actually identify the feelings now and focus on letting them go. Whereas before it was like this constant pressure that just filled me with simultaneous feelings of rage, fear, and sadness. Just a big ball of messed up stuff that I didn't even know how to tackle so I just sank into a worse depression.

Maybe what I really needed was to validate my own feelings instead of swallowing them and trying to soldier on so much.

[Chris P. Bacon]

I've gotten really good at denying my own feelings and just doing what needs to be done. But that's no way to live life.

This for me was an important turning point. Feelings come from thoughts and you can think different things about yourself. In fact, that's exactly what subs are trying to do, get you to think different things about yourself. Not in your mind, but your heart. When bad feelings come up, stop for a second if you have time and see what the thought behind it is. Be willing to stop thinking it, even if it feels real. It only feels real because you are creating that internal reality, not because it is inherently real.

[mat422]

My whole idea of healing and clearing is what has fucked me over, I realize that now. I keep trying to "let go" and let the subliminal work. And all I'm doing is waiting for the sub to do everything for me and magically appear at the end all fixed. I don't know if it's my conscious or parts of my subconscious, but it doesn't matter because all that matters is I make an effort to truly detach from all this shit in my life I'm holding onto. If that means actively fighting it and telling myself no and rejecting the horrible thoughts and feelings that come into my head so be it.

Another big mistake is thinking that once I was all healed and cleared I could never be negative again. Wrong. I can make myself experience anything if I choose to. So while I had up days I started getting worried how long they would last, maybe it was temporary, or that the negative would come crashing back in and I'd be back to square one. All a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when things didn't work out with a girl, instead of recognizing that as a little bump in the road it turned into a massive "I've never changed, I'm broken, DMSI doesn't work, subliminals don't work, it's hopeless, etc.". All self generated thoughts that pulled me back into old mentalities that I don't need to keep reinforcing.

The true test with all this is how I react to events that happen in my life while trying to reinforce these new beliefs. I did this with my job. Once I started feeling more confident with handling tasks and I started telling myself I could handle anything this job threw at me, I got challenged hard. Call me crazy, but it feels like leveling up but in real life. When I started believing I could handle more stuff, I got more stuff to challenge me. But it all fell apart in the past week when I started doubting myself again and getting emotionally torn up and all the old beliefs of how stupid and incapable I was came pouring back in.

The biggest flaw I'm trying to fix is these goddamn rumination spirals I get into. It happened to me yesterday. There was a small party for everyone at my job and all I could think is how I don't belong, how everyone is having fun, how I'm not social, how everyone thinks I'm the weird quiet one, etc. And it went on and on for the whole event. I get into these stupid loops and I miss out on opportunities. Playing out the isolated loner identity is getting really fucking old and I'm tired of it. Sometimes it's like I'm swallowed up by my emotions, like I'm pulled inward into this messed up vortex of negativity and self loathing. I truly don't get why I'm like this. I honestly think it's just how my mind works and I just need to be more mindful of not doing it.

On the plus side when I do completely flip this shit on it's head I think I'll be able to generate more uplifting positive thought patterns that are as strong as these negative ones. It's just a matter of overwriting these old ones and to not keep feeding them. But by far I think most of my issues with DMSI stem from the fact that I don't maintain my positive states enough and revert to old negative ways.

[mat422]

I haven't been taking personal responsibility for myself. I've just been allowing myself to be carried along the path of the negative beliefs that inhabit my mind. I see how when you do this, you go on autopilot. You follow a certain path. It's like being on a train and you're going on the wrong tracks and you need to switch. And if you don't, you'll end up at the wrong destination. The current way I've been going, I see my future. I see the one where I don't challenge myself enough, I just settle for good enough out of fear, and worst of all I resign myself to the belief that living life like that is "reality".

I've noticed DMSI does force me to fight back against that part of my mind that resists everything. But I don't want a battle in my head. There has to be a better way of getting stuff aligned so all parts of my mind work towards a common goal instead of one dragging the other. Going to be really digging down deep to work on this. Work on communicating better with the parts of myself that are resisting vs treating them as the enemy that needs to be eradicated. If I've learned anything it's that fixing things at the source instead of trying to power through everything is infinitely better. I can see how my decisions are subtly shaped by the current beliefs my subconscious holds. It's good to practice awareness, but that's not the answer. That's maintenance, not a true solution. You have to figure out the source of the problem and fix it there so it effectively flows out from that part of you and aligns you with what you want in your life. I feel like I'm getting close. Prior to this my subconscious was throwing out a whole bunch of stuff to get me to avoid getting in there to make deep change. But lately it seems more receptive to talking and working through this stuff.

[mat422]

I just can't catch a break. Today some guy ripped off my front bumper then proceeded to attempt to get away. Luckily there were witnesses and the police filed a report. But I just feel so done. I'm exhausted, it feels like everything I do results in absolutely nothing. Outwardly it feels like my life is more together, but inwardly I feel like a mess. I'm hoping this is a quick fix and I get my car back and maybe this guys insurance pays for this.

Just goddamn. I can't center myself, it feels like I'm drowning in a never-ending sea of anxieties. I recently realized how these stupid aspirations to do something with my music was mostly fueled by the need to feel special and to validate me. Take that away and I realized I just like the music, not all the bullshit that goes with it. So I've just been trying to stop making this whole music thing a source of anxiety for me.