03-15-2013, 04:34 AM
Update!
Feeling pretty fucking good! not some random emotional high but a real sense of focus and engagement. I was having so much shit coming up, it became clear to me the other day that I was terrified of success because it meant a massive identity shift, I've been so identified with being a failure that any time was converging on success my programming said some how 'this isn't right, this isn't how its supposed to go' and i'd start fucking up.
I also realised that I was afraid of success because some where is the believe that the higher I go the more painful the fall will be, and also because I know success attracts attention and attention for me has always meant people being screwing me over.
This is huge, its never been so clear to me, I still have these fears but realising them has made things so much better some how. Right now i'm massively behind on a deadline and would normally procrastinate the fuck out of my remaining time - but now i'm focussed on getting shit done and looking to the end result which i know has potential to be great if i keep this up.
what's that like day 10? not bad.
also on the girls front, last night, after a severe drought i had three girls at this bar interested in coming home with me. this is nuts, i'm so used to girls not being interested that i was totally stumped and became all lame and said stupid shit - fuck it, progress is progress, I can learn from it and be better next time.
what's that like day 10 now for me? not bad.
AH ONE MORE THING! part of my heavy mood elevation has been my purchase of sleep magic, after doing this, I think I realise that I've actually hardly ever had a good nights sleep, I've woken up fresh two days in a row after using it!!
Feeling pretty fucking good! not some random emotional high but a real sense of focus and engagement. I was having so much shit coming up, it became clear to me the other day that I was terrified of success because it meant a massive identity shift, I've been so identified with being a failure that any time was converging on success my programming said some how 'this isn't right, this isn't how its supposed to go' and i'd start fucking up.
I also realised that I was afraid of success because some where is the believe that the higher I go the more painful the fall will be, and also because I know success attracts attention and attention for me has always meant people being screwing me over.
This is huge, its never been so clear to me, I still have these fears but realising them has made things so much better some how. Right now i'm massively behind on a deadline and would normally procrastinate the fuck out of my remaining time - but now i'm focussed on getting shit done and looking to the end result which i know has potential to be great if i keep this up.
what's that like day 10? not bad.
also on the girls front, last night, after a severe drought i had three girls at this bar interested in coming home with me. this is nuts, i'm so used to girls not being interested that i was totally stumped and became all lame and said stupid shit - fuck it, progress is progress, I can learn from it and be better next time.
what's that like day 10 now for me? not bad.
AH ONE MORE THING! part of my heavy mood elevation has been my purchase of sleep magic, after doing this, I think I realise that I've actually hardly ever had a good nights sleep, I've woken up fresh two days in a row after using it!!
