12-26-2018, 11:32 PM
I got a date today. I know, I know. All what I said before still holds. It is just the other part of me that wants it is come to the forefront for a little bit.
When I start getting involved with a woman like this, I start feeling a strong desire/wish to be better then I am in life.
It don't help that I have not been complety honest about my living situation and my work, but I did do that deliberately (put the road blocks) so it can't go anywhere. But for some reason I am going along with this and actually meeting with her.
And because of this, as she is really nice and seems like GF material. My brain thinks how can I take a quantum jump (in terms of job and living situation) ? ...so I can actually have the life where I have my own place, a decent job...so I can actually have the relationship I want.
My mind has started thinking there must be a way?
What if I created a C.V and just blagged, enhanced, added lots of things that are not true and applied for job that are "out of my league" and just blagged the interview too. Then maybe I can quantum jump?
It is either this or spend yeeeaaarrs.
It don't have to be amazing, just something that is a decent jump up in standard then I have done before and I'll be making progress.
I don't want to think too much of this, as when I get into the specific of having to work a full time job to pay rent on my own place, I start feeling negatives of that...for example paying rent on a nice place but having to work full-time to pay for a place I am hardly at because I am a work.
THIS is why it is easier not to think of getting into relationships. As It feels less stressful and pressured.
So basically I feel if I want to have a good relationship I need to have my own place and a decent job and preferably loaded so the place is nice.
Why do I have to feel this and believe this?
Why can't I have a decent relationship just being who I am?
I can see why there is a part of me that don't want anything to do with women. But my desire for companiship, sex, intimacy is strong, thus why I am going on a date.
I wish I can just have both, with it feeling smooth, easy, stress free.
I really don't like the feeling of me having to have a decent job and my own place for me to have a decent relationship but that is how I would prefer things to be. Seriously in my that is what I desire.
There must be a way I can get that with having to wait 6 years untill I finish a degree?
Seriously, do I have to wait frickin 6 years?
Why can't I have it now?
This is why it feels so much easier, just letting go of women. I just don't get all this stress.
At the moment my strong desire for a relationship, amongst all this resistance, has seemed to found ways around...by lieing about what I do for work and my living situation. What sucks is that it has been working and it has confirmed I have attracted a woman, based on who I actually want be, instead of who I actually am.
But I am pretty good at getting into character and being this guy. As at the end of the day I am the same person just with my own place and a different job.
My brain says it's a win/win situation. You get the girl, you get a new relationship. You don't get the girl you get a stress free life and can go at your own pace without feeling pressured.
The thing is if I did get more serious with this girl, I would actually force myself to actually be this guy I have said I am. A woman I really like and would actually have a relationship with, I would actually better my self so I can have what I want in a way that I want it.....as that would be the only way I can have it.
When I start getting involved with a woman like this, I start feeling a strong desire/wish to be better then I am in life.
It don't help that I have not been complety honest about my living situation and my work, but I did do that deliberately (put the road blocks) so it can't go anywhere. But for some reason I am going along with this and actually meeting with her.
And because of this, as she is really nice and seems like GF material. My brain thinks how can I take a quantum jump (in terms of job and living situation) ? ...so I can actually have the life where I have my own place, a decent job...so I can actually have the relationship I want.
My mind has started thinking there must be a way?
What if I created a C.V and just blagged, enhanced, added lots of things that are not true and applied for job that are "out of my league" and just blagged the interview too. Then maybe I can quantum jump?
It is either this or spend yeeeaaarrs.
It don't have to be amazing, just something that is a decent jump up in standard then I have done before and I'll be making progress.
I don't want to think too much of this, as when I get into the specific of having to work a full time job to pay rent on my own place, I start feeling negatives of that...for example paying rent on a nice place but having to work full-time to pay for a place I am hardly at because I am a work.
THIS is why it is easier not to think of getting into relationships. As It feels less stressful and pressured.
So basically I feel if I want to have a good relationship I need to have my own place and a decent job and preferably loaded so the place is nice.
Why do I have to feel this and believe this?
Why can't I have a decent relationship just being who I am?
I can see why there is a part of me that don't want anything to do with women. But my desire for companiship, sex, intimacy is strong, thus why I am going on a date.
I wish I can just have both, with it feeling smooth, easy, stress free.
I really don't like the feeling of me having to have a decent job and my own place for me to have a decent relationship but that is how I would prefer things to be. Seriously in my that is what I desire.
There must be a way I can get that with having to wait 6 years untill I finish a degree?
Seriously, do I have to wait frickin 6 years?
Why can't I have it now?
This is why it feels so much easier, just letting go of women. I just don't get all this stress.
At the moment my strong desire for a relationship, amongst all this resistance, has seemed to found ways around...by lieing about what I do for work and my living situation. What sucks is that it has been working and it has confirmed I have attracted a woman, based on who I actually want be, instead of who I actually am.
But I am pretty good at getting into character and being this guy. As at the end of the day I am the same person just with my own place and a different job.
My brain says it's a win/win situation. You get the girl, you get a new relationship. You don't get the girl you get a stress free life and can go at your own pace without feeling pressured.
The thing is if I did get more serious with this girl, I would actually force myself to actually be this guy I have said I am. A woman I really like and would actually have a relationship with, I would actually better my self so I can have what I want in a way that I want it.....as that would be the only way I can have it.
