March 18, 2023 (cont.)
Comparing myself to others hurts, mostly since I'm noticing a constant truth in me.
I've been feeling some sadness today, and I believe I tasted some of that inner defeat since my old ways, some which I thought were good, aren't pointing me towards freedom. I felt sad since I'm having to let some of them go. Strangely enough, a part of me has great appreciation for what I'm experiencing--I always learned something true and powerful in my life when I've felt low.
Something just came to my awareness. I stepped back into me being around 8 years old, mom wasn't working, and me and my brothers constantly combed our inner-city neighborhood for glass bottles to recycle (it was the late 1970's and they paid 25 cents for a bottle) and wood to burn in our fireplace. No electricity or water in our home for many months.
I felt guilty and responsible for this situation. I did. And I still do. In present day, I find myself regularly picking up speed at work due to both the guilt and the fear of repeating this "personal failure". ----and I just saw my connection: mom wasn't happy in this time, and I thought it was my fault. She'd lost her job working for a college, and she coped by drinking heavily and coiling up in self pity and shame. Unhealed pain seemed to dominate my mom's world, and I could only witness it. It was close to a year our lights were out, and my reality preference was going to school. Some kids were obviously loved, and some liked me, so school was my main reprieve from do-nothing survival at home.
I wonder. Some shame rises up here, but I wonder if my guilt is from me mentally escaping and leaving my brothers to fix this. They did, and I actually played helpless to (manipulate) them to take up my responsibility. F***. Yep. I did this.
And that guilt has been hanging on me since I'm still using these survival strategies when under pressure. That's one major fallback I'm not wanting to face. I've been feeling some defeat in this "feel good, take no responsibility" mindset which I hide from everybody, myself included. And part of me is afraid I can't handle it. Or worse---I won't.
So, F***!!! What am I doing? What am I avoiding? What I wrote above. Just that. A little self-forgiveness feels needed here. (Thank you for putting self-forgiveness in the script Shannon.) Gonna breathe now. And rest.
Comparing myself to others hurts, mostly since I'm noticing a constant truth in me.
I've been feeling some sadness today, and I believe I tasted some of that inner defeat since my old ways, some which I thought were good, aren't pointing me towards freedom. I felt sad since I'm having to let some of them go. Strangely enough, a part of me has great appreciation for what I'm experiencing--I always learned something true and powerful in my life when I've felt low.
Something just came to my awareness. I stepped back into me being around 8 years old, mom wasn't working, and me and my brothers constantly combed our inner-city neighborhood for glass bottles to recycle (it was the late 1970's and they paid 25 cents for a bottle) and wood to burn in our fireplace. No electricity or water in our home for many months.
I felt guilty and responsible for this situation. I did. And I still do. In present day, I find myself regularly picking up speed at work due to both the guilt and the fear of repeating this "personal failure". ----and I just saw my connection: mom wasn't happy in this time, and I thought it was my fault. She'd lost her job working for a college, and she coped by drinking heavily and coiling up in self pity and shame. Unhealed pain seemed to dominate my mom's world, and I could only witness it. It was close to a year our lights were out, and my reality preference was going to school. Some kids were obviously loved, and some liked me, so school was my main reprieve from do-nothing survival at home.
I wonder. Some shame rises up here, but I wonder if my guilt is from me mentally escaping and leaving my brothers to fix this. They did, and I actually played helpless to (manipulate) them to take up my responsibility. F***. Yep. I did this.
And that guilt has been hanging on me since I'm still using these survival strategies when under pressure. That's one major fallback I'm not wanting to face. I've been feeling some defeat in this "feel good, take no responsibility" mindset which I hide from everybody, myself included. And part of me is afraid I can't handle it. Or worse---I won't.
So, F***!!! What am I doing? What am I avoiding? What I wrote above. Just that. A little self-forgiveness feels needed here. (Thank you for putting self-forgiveness in the script Shannon.) Gonna breathe now. And rest.
I want to be FREE!
