04-03-2019, 05:57 AM
7 night of E3, so far. It's crazy, I thought it had been much longer.
It is very challenging to put into words about what is going on, as I don't really know haha.
But in general the last week I have been really productive and I noticed that I even took action in spite of not wanting to and that really stood out to me, it felt like I had more will power to push through.
I have got pretty clear on my goals and have been taking action daily on each one. I said to myself Monday to Friday I take actions towards my goals each day and then have the weekend to do nothing (Apart from working Saturday and Sunday nights). This allows me to know that I have some days where I can do nothing, as I have the potential to burn out as I am an all or nothing kind of guy, as I am working towards 7 goals!!
I know, it sounds a lot but they area all important for my future. I do need to find a way to find balance between working hard and chilling, as today a part of me is saying having today off will do me good, You don't want to burn out, you know you burn out when you take too much on, if you keep going without more chillout time then you will just end up quitting etc.
Logically I know I need to find balance. Everyday for 5 days a week feels productive for me and I have been doing well and it feels so good to tick of the actions I have completed that day. Sometimes I feel like these goals are going to take a long time, but I keep reminding myself that if I want to succeed THIS is what I have to do, if I don't I wont succeed.
Another thing worth mentioning. I had this thing, where when I would sexually release either through sexual intercourse with a girl or through masturbation with just visualisation of my mind or through porn, I would feel insecure, more anxious and have these feelings of being really sensitive emotionally. After the release my whole reality would be different, I would be different internally, which would change my external reality too.
I can't exactly remember how it all started, but this is the reason I got so good at semen retention, because of the fear and worry that when I release, I wont feel good and the fact that it takes me 7 days to feel 'good' again.
It got so bad that my last girlfriend that I was having sex with, every time I had sex with her and released I went down into depression (This is how it has been for me), it really sucked when I think back about it now. Can you guys imagine having this attractive girlfriend that you WANT to have sex with but you know when you do you are going to go into depression if you do and it will take you 7 days of semen retention to feel good/normal again?
Anyway the last "girlfriend" I had recently (lasted 3 months), we didn't have sex (fortunately for me, she wanted sex after marriage), which fit well with my semen retention. But obviously I am a sexual being and I ended up get more frisky with her and let her give me oral 2 times. Which was great, during them, AMAZING, obviously. But when I released my whole world turned upside down, like serious. Like the upside down in The Stranger Things, tv show LOL
Seriously though, in the moment after the pleasure had subsided, it was like all my 'insecurities' would hit me, insecurities that I never knew I had, but it was not just insecurities it was like this sensitivity of my emotions that was very uncomfortable. So, this kind of made me pull away from the girl, as It was another reason why releasing sexually was bad for me and plus it made me see her in a non positive way too.
Anyway, that is the gist. Moving onto starting E3. I did this interesting thing when I started E3. I started to deliberately masturbate and watch porn for like 5 days straight, multiple times a day. Now this was not because of resistance or fear, it was actually the opposite. I wanted to be in that state where I don't feel good, deliberately. As I realised I did not want to do semen retention because of fear, fear of releasing because it makes me feel all this insecurities or not nice feelings and changes my reality to a not so nice place and releasing is bad and being guilt about it all as a cherry on top.
No. I want to be fine with releasing sexually AND I want to be fine with doing semen retention, because I want to, not because I fear something.
Anyway, I think I actually faced the fear head on, because I got to a place where I was ok with releasing multiple times a day and watching porn, I made sure that I was happy to carry on doing it and not stop because of fear.
Now, I am not saying if a girl gave me oral or I had sex right now and released, I would not feel bad, but I was able to make peace with either action that I take and be ok with it and not let fear drive me either way.
I am now 2 days into semen retention again, and I choose to because I got bored with masturbating, not because of fear of the consequences of masturbating or watching porn.
Now, this was interesting to me, because I have never done this before like this, as in the past I would do it once or twice in one day and then I would have all this fear, guilt, worry come up of the consequences of releasing and/or watching porn and the very next day get back on to semen retention and it was all because of fear.
Now, I don't know what will happen now if I have sex with a girl etc and I wont find out any time soon, as I am not actively looking, but if I happen to meet someone, then I suppose we will see. But if anything, if this is anything to go by, I am hopeful a much longer usage of this could have the potential to really help me in regards to being in a relationship and having sex with my girlfriend and releasing with her and not feeling depressed, fear, worry, insecure, emotionally negatively sensitive after and having to wait 7 days of not releasing to feel better/normal/good again etc. This would be amazing.
Thinking about all this now, I can't believe I have had to deal with something like this. It is really hardcore. But I can see clearly how it is 'emotional' related. But I do not know when, how or why it is all started. But hopefully I will be able to clear this completely and actually be able to have a 'normal' sex life one day, that would be refreshing.
Anyway, I will just crack on cracking on in the mean time.
It is very challenging to put into words about what is going on, as I don't really know haha.
But in general the last week I have been really productive and I noticed that I even took action in spite of not wanting to and that really stood out to me, it felt like I had more will power to push through.
I have got pretty clear on my goals and have been taking action daily on each one. I said to myself Monday to Friday I take actions towards my goals each day and then have the weekend to do nothing (Apart from working Saturday and Sunday nights). This allows me to know that I have some days where I can do nothing, as I have the potential to burn out as I am an all or nothing kind of guy, as I am working towards 7 goals!!
I know, it sounds a lot but they area all important for my future. I do need to find a way to find balance between working hard and chilling, as today a part of me is saying having today off will do me good, You don't want to burn out, you know you burn out when you take too much on, if you keep going without more chillout time then you will just end up quitting etc.
Logically I know I need to find balance. Everyday for 5 days a week feels productive for me and I have been doing well and it feels so good to tick of the actions I have completed that day. Sometimes I feel like these goals are going to take a long time, but I keep reminding myself that if I want to succeed THIS is what I have to do, if I don't I wont succeed.
Another thing worth mentioning. I had this thing, where when I would sexually release either through sexual intercourse with a girl or through masturbation with just visualisation of my mind or through porn, I would feel insecure, more anxious and have these feelings of being really sensitive emotionally. After the release my whole reality would be different, I would be different internally, which would change my external reality too.
I can't exactly remember how it all started, but this is the reason I got so good at semen retention, because of the fear and worry that when I release, I wont feel good and the fact that it takes me 7 days to feel 'good' again.
It got so bad that my last girlfriend that I was having sex with, every time I had sex with her and released I went down into depression (This is how it has been for me), it really sucked when I think back about it now. Can you guys imagine having this attractive girlfriend that you WANT to have sex with but you know when you do you are going to go into depression if you do and it will take you 7 days of semen retention to feel good/normal again?
Anyway the last "girlfriend" I had recently (lasted 3 months), we didn't have sex (fortunately for me, she wanted sex after marriage), which fit well with my semen retention. But obviously I am a sexual being and I ended up get more frisky with her and let her give me oral 2 times. Which was great, during them, AMAZING, obviously. But when I released my whole world turned upside down, like serious. Like the upside down in The Stranger Things, tv show LOL
Seriously though, in the moment after the pleasure had subsided, it was like all my 'insecurities' would hit me, insecurities that I never knew I had, but it was not just insecurities it was like this sensitivity of my emotions that was very uncomfortable. So, this kind of made me pull away from the girl, as It was another reason why releasing sexually was bad for me and plus it made me see her in a non positive way too.
Anyway, that is the gist. Moving onto starting E3. I did this interesting thing when I started E3. I started to deliberately masturbate and watch porn for like 5 days straight, multiple times a day. Now this was not because of resistance or fear, it was actually the opposite. I wanted to be in that state where I don't feel good, deliberately. As I realised I did not want to do semen retention because of fear, fear of releasing because it makes me feel all this insecurities or not nice feelings and changes my reality to a not so nice place and releasing is bad and being guilt about it all as a cherry on top.
No. I want to be fine with releasing sexually AND I want to be fine with doing semen retention, because I want to, not because I fear something.
Anyway, I think I actually faced the fear head on, because I got to a place where I was ok with releasing multiple times a day and watching porn, I made sure that I was happy to carry on doing it and not stop because of fear.
Now, I am not saying if a girl gave me oral or I had sex right now and released, I would not feel bad, but I was able to make peace with either action that I take and be ok with it and not let fear drive me either way.
I am now 2 days into semen retention again, and I choose to because I got bored with masturbating, not because of fear of the consequences of masturbating or watching porn.
Now, this was interesting to me, because I have never done this before like this, as in the past I would do it once or twice in one day and then I would have all this fear, guilt, worry come up of the consequences of releasing and/or watching porn and the very next day get back on to semen retention and it was all because of fear.
Now, I don't know what will happen now if I have sex with a girl etc and I wont find out any time soon, as I am not actively looking, but if I happen to meet someone, then I suppose we will see. But if anything, if this is anything to go by, I am hopeful a much longer usage of this could have the potential to really help me in regards to being in a relationship and having sex with my girlfriend and releasing with her and not feeling depressed, fear, worry, insecure, emotionally negatively sensitive after and having to wait 7 days of not releasing to feel better/normal/good again etc. This would be amazing.
Thinking about all this now, I can't believe I have had to deal with something like this. It is really hardcore. But I can see clearly how it is 'emotional' related. But I do not know when, how or why it is all started. But hopefully I will be able to clear this completely and actually be able to have a 'normal' sex life one day, that would be refreshing.
Anyway, I will just crack on cracking on in the mean time.
