03-17-2017, 12:35 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-17-2017, 12:43 AM by surrealapathy.)
It's been quite a while since I last posted here. So basically what I've done with E2 in the past few months is just put it on silent (low volume) all day and kinda set it and forget it. I haven't read any of my previous posts but I think E2 has allowed me to come a long way from where I started.
Of course me posting here after a long while means that something is going bad. Well. Music. At first I thought 'setting a goal' is what kept me motivated. Now, what I realize is that the stress wasn't coming from deadlines, but from the sheer amount of music that I have to learn. When I only had a few things to learn, it kept me motivated, and I got a lot done (or at least I did a lot). But now, I am overwhelmed and when I don't believe I can do something, I procrastinate. Lately, I haven't been practicing, because I am scared of listening to myself. Scared that I won't be productive in my practice session. Fear of not being perfect always makes me never want to practice, since I'm gonna make mistakes in my practice. That fear turns into procrastination. The overwhelming amount of music just makes me learn none of it. I haven't been keeping up my ear training either, but that's okay because adding that will surely overwhelm me even more. Since music is such a physical/emotional/mental skill, with mind-body connection and all, fear is what makes a musician mess up physically. Being scared and afraid of those high notes is the real killer. I mean yeah. I have to do the right things to hit the high notes. But if I can get rid of that fear reflex. That is what's holding me back the most. Being afraid of the things that will go wrong physically like I had already messed up before I had even started. That is what's wrong with me.
I've been thinking a lot about getting stuck, stuck in our beliefs, stuck in our desires. I want to be the perfect musician. Technically perfect, at least (so getting all the physical things right, not including emotion and all that stuff). I believe that if I keep practicing I must get to this place of perfection. In fact, I believe that without a doubt, I will be perfect, but I just need a few more years. But that is something I have to let go of. It's a harmful belief. I drill all this "positivity", all this "self-confidence" into my head, like becoming a great musician is some kind of birthright. Like it's some sort of absolute. What I really need, is to give myself permission to fail. What I need to tell myself, is "I don't have to be a great musician." In fact, sometimes I even need to remind myself that "I am not a great musician." I can't be stuck in these absolute beliefs. That everything "has" to be a certain way. It's easier said than done.
I think I enjoy this idea of becoming "perfect" more than music itself. Music isn't fun for me. I mean I don't think music, or anything, has to be "fun". I think what I need is just to keep it lighthearted. Carefree. Enjoyable. NATURAL. It feels dumb to even say it, but I need to make it an extension, no.. a part, of my body. There is too much fear in me for that. Fear that I won't be a great musician. Instead of keep trying to tell myself that yes I will be a great musician, I need to let go of this whole concept, and allow myself to not be perfect. Not even be good. I don't need other people to think I am good, either. That's even harder to let go of. But I will give myself permission to fail. So that I am free from these beliefs, and the fear associated with it. Then after I convince myself that I can fail, I gotta not fail. It's kinda this 'balance', this dark (I give myself permission to fail) and this light (I will succeed, but without thinking I have to). And the balance is hard. Hardest thing in the world. Too much 'dark', and it turns into apathy (I mean look at my username), too much 'light', well that's where I am right now, turns into this debilitating fear.
Course I gotta apply this to all other aspects of life. I mean there are tons of beliefs I am not willing to let go of. But again, I can't let go of too much. The hard balance. I always want an absolute. I want to know exactly how much to let go, exactly how much to keep. I wanna know exactly how much 'light' I need, exactly how much 'dark'. I am desperate for the formula. But I gotta tell... remind myself "Nothing has to be a certain way." I think its true. There is no formula. No magic pill. I think the best thing to do is try to do the best I can each day. Not even worrying about doing better tomorrow. Or worrying that tomorrow might be worse than today. Just gotta do my best each day. and even that can't be absolute.
Of course me posting here after a long while means that something is going bad. Well. Music. At first I thought 'setting a goal' is what kept me motivated. Now, what I realize is that the stress wasn't coming from deadlines, but from the sheer amount of music that I have to learn. When I only had a few things to learn, it kept me motivated, and I got a lot done (or at least I did a lot). But now, I am overwhelmed and when I don't believe I can do something, I procrastinate. Lately, I haven't been practicing, because I am scared of listening to myself. Scared that I won't be productive in my practice session. Fear of not being perfect always makes me never want to practice, since I'm gonna make mistakes in my practice. That fear turns into procrastination. The overwhelming amount of music just makes me learn none of it. I haven't been keeping up my ear training either, but that's okay because adding that will surely overwhelm me even more. Since music is such a physical/emotional/mental skill, with mind-body connection and all, fear is what makes a musician mess up physically. Being scared and afraid of those high notes is the real killer. I mean yeah. I have to do the right things to hit the high notes. But if I can get rid of that fear reflex. That is what's holding me back the most. Being afraid of the things that will go wrong physically like I had already messed up before I had even started. That is what's wrong with me.
I've been thinking a lot about getting stuck, stuck in our beliefs, stuck in our desires. I want to be the perfect musician. Technically perfect, at least (so getting all the physical things right, not including emotion and all that stuff). I believe that if I keep practicing I must get to this place of perfection. In fact, I believe that without a doubt, I will be perfect, but I just need a few more years. But that is something I have to let go of. It's a harmful belief. I drill all this "positivity", all this "self-confidence" into my head, like becoming a great musician is some kind of birthright. Like it's some sort of absolute. What I really need, is to give myself permission to fail. What I need to tell myself, is "I don't have to be a great musician." In fact, sometimes I even need to remind myself that "I am not a great musician." I can't be stuck in these absolute beliefs. That everything "has" to be a certain way. It's easier said than done.
I think I enjoy this idea of becoming "perfect" more than music itself. Music isn't fun for me. I mean I don't think music, or anything, has to be "fun". I think what I need is just to keep it lighthearted. Carefree. Enjoyable. NATURAL. It feels dumb to even say it, but I need to make it an extension, no.. a part, of my body. There is too much fear in me for that. Fear that I won't be a great musician. Instead of keep trying to tell myself that yes I will be a great musician, I need to let go of this whole concept, and allow myself to not be perfect. Not even be good. I don't need other people to think I am good, either. That's even harder to let go of. But I will give myself permission to fail. So that I am free from these beliefs, and the fear associated with it. Then after I convince myself that I can fail, I gotta not fail. It's kinda this 'balance', this dark (I give myself permission to fail) and this light (I will succeed, but without thinking I have to). And the balance is hard. Hardest thing in the world. Too much 'dark', and it turns into apathy (I mean look at my username), too much 'light', well that's where I am right now, turns into this debilitating fear.
Course I gotta apply this to all other aspects of life. I mean there are tons of beliefs I am not willing to let go of. But again, I can't let go of too much. The hard balance. I always want an absolute. I want to know exactly how much to let go, exactly how much to keep. I wanna know exactly how much 'light' I need, exactly how much 'dark'. I am desperate for the formula. But I gotta tell... remind myself "Nothing has to be a certain way." I think its true. There is no formula. No magic pill. I think the best thing to do is try to do the best I can each day. Not even worrying about doing better tomorrow. Or worrying that tomorrow might be worse than today. Just gotta do my best each day. and even that can't be absolute.
