08-29-2016, 01:05 PM
Idk if it was just me but the site seemed to be down for a day or 2..
Anyways, a lot has happened these past few days. I did that audition and it went relatively well. The day before the audition I completely did not stress over it and even the day of. In a way I didn't want to see the reality of it, which was I was completely unprepared. I told myself that if I were to win the audition I would win the audition. I know that I'm not going to work any harder if I won, so maybe I should show the audition panel how I function in real life. Then again, I did think that if I did win the audition I would get my shit together, starting with cleaning my damn room. But I had a realization that I need to get my shut together regardless of the audition results. So I promised myself that I will get my life on track after the weekend.
For the actual audition, I didn't completely fail, but it wasn't anywhere near good. But this is for the already lowered standards I set for myself. So I did bad even for me. But for some odd reason, the director really liked me. She offered me one of the leading roles. And I got really excited and accepted it on the spot. But here's a little background of where I was going to be doing this show. It was an hour drive away from where I live, 3 hours by public transportation, and I don't know how to drive. It would rehearse twice a week, meaning I would have to spend 6 hours on transportation alone. So I called her back and told her the problem. She then offered me a room to stay in for free for half the week. Guess she really wants me to do the role.
Of course, I stupidly accepted her offer. But then I did more thinking. This is my gap year. My year off. I don't really want to be stressing myself out. I'm here to get my life together. Not potentially do something that will screw it up even more. Like I said, I know myself. I'm the laziest procrastinator dude in the world. Even if this is the best opportunity I'll ever get, I know I wouldn't work any harder, maybe even less because of the stress. It was just too much for me. I know it wouldn't make me happy. I didn't want to take the audition in the first place. So I knew I had to call her back.
I don't know if I've said this (cuz this journal is so disorganized and basically unreadable), but I have pretty bad anxiety (maybe, idk, self diagnosed). I know the director really wants me for the part, I mean she found a free room for me. I really did not want to disappoint her. A huge, huge part of me wanted to just suck it up, do the part, make myself miserable, so I don't disappoint this random lady whom I've met once. And I've done it before. Countless times. And then course I thought maybe I can just run away forever, so I don't have to make myself miserable nor disappoint her. But somehow, maybe E2, I grew some balls and called her. I don't usually call people. Actually the same emotions as above already happened once when I told her I couldn't commute 3 hours a day (x2 so I guess 6). I was thinking of actually sucking it up and making that commute. But this is the second time. And I didn't have an excuse. Idk what I said, maybe I came off as the most inconsiderate asshole, I do not know, but I told her I won't do the part cuz of some BS reason, that she did not buy at all. She sounded pissed. But it was a done deal. Or so I thought.
Later in the day, she texted me and told me how "unstressful" and "low pressure" this role would be for me and how I would do great, trying to convince me otherwise. Of course all those feelings of not wanting to disappoint her surfaced again. She told me I can have the night to sleep on it. So much self doubt, thinking oh maybe she's right, maybe it will be good for me, maybe this random lady knows more about my capabilities than I do, maybe its the greatest opportunity I'll ever get. But in the morning of the next day, I knew that there was no way I can take the role. Calling her this third time would be the most difficult. I told her, my decision remains the same, she said okay. It was the briefest phone call ever. Now I know I've sealed the deal. Then I start regretting. What if she had been right. What if this role would've been the thing that brought my life together. But later in the day, I received an email. An email from the director. She sent me the nicest, most understanding message I've ever received, highlighting all my strengths and all my potentials, and seem genuinely grateful that I had even gone up there to audition. So, I know how to respond to the haters, the mean people, the people who don't like me. Or at least have much more experience. But I didn't quite know what to say to an email like that. I thought I would explain my whole background, all my struggles, how much I would've wanted the role, all my insecurities, but in the end, I sent a one line message: "Thank you for understanding." I didn't even sign my name. I feel like such and asshole. I could've thanked her more, told her maybe we could work together in the future or something. I don't know how to respond to positivity cuz I never get it.
Keeping strong and standing up for what I know is the best for me is something I could've never done pre E2. I guess the fear is starting to lift up. In other news, my fear of bugs is starting to lessen. I can kill tiny flies with my hand now. Course I'm still afraid of anything bigger than a speck, but before I was afraid to kill that speck, even with a paper or a shoe.
I need to learn to drive. I have a fear of driving. I think I'm gonna crash, burn and die. Will be interesting to see what E2 does about that.
Anger, annoyance, and frustration towards everything is lessening. I was smiling today. My mom commented and asked why I'm so smiley. She then said she missed the "old me", when I was kid, who would smile all the time. For some reason, I got all angry cuz I felt she hated who I am now. But reflecting on it, I think she's right. At some point in life, I was much happier, and I don't like who I am now too. Seems like E2 is doing some good work.
I have a fear, a fear that I all this will reverse and I will be back to who I was before this subliminal. I know progress isn't a straight line. So in a way I'm just waiting for the old feelings to come up. Keep expecting it to be soon.
Anyways, I usually write this journal late at night, but since I haven't for two days, I guess I had to catch up.
Anyways, a lot has happened these past few days. I did that audition and it went relatively well. The day before the audition I completely did not stress over it and even the day of. In a way I didn't want to see the reality of it, which was I was completely unprepared. I told myself that if I were to win the audition I would win the audition. I know that I'm not going to work any harder if I won, so maybe I should show the audition panel how I function in real life. Then again, I did think that if I did win the audition I would get my shit together, starting with cleaning my damn room. But I had a realization that I need to get my shut together regardless of the audition results. So I promised myself that I will get my life on track after the weekend.
For the actual audition, I didn't completely fail, but it wasn't anywhere near good. But this is for the already lowered standards I set for myself. So I did bad even for me. But for some odd reason, the director really liked me. She offered me one of the leading roles. And I got really excited and accepted it on the spot. But here's a little background of where I was going to be doing this show. It was an hour drive away from where I live, 3 hours by public transportation, and I don't know how to drive. It would rehearse twice a week, meaning I would have to spend 6 hours on transportation alone. So I called her back and told her the problem. She then offered me a room to stay in for free for half the week. Guess she really wants me to do the role.
Of course, I stupidly accepted her offer. But then I did more thinking. This is my gap year. My year off. I don't really want to be stressing myself out. I'm here to get my life together. Not potentially do something that will screw it up even more. Like I said, I know myself. I'm the laziest procrastinator dude in the world. Even if this is the best opportunity I'll ever get, I know I wouldn't work any harder, maybe even less because of the stress. It was just too much for me. I know it wouldn't make me happy. I didn't want to take the audition in the first place. So I knew I had to call her back.
I don't know if I've said this (cuz this journal is so disorganized and basically unreadable), but I have pretty bad anxiety (maybe, idk, self diagnosed). I know the director really wants me for the part, I mean she found a free room for me. I really did not want to disappoint her. A huge, huge part of me wanted to just suck it up, do the part, make myself miserable, so I don't disappoint this random lady whom I've met once. And I've done it before. Countless times. And then course I thought maybe I can just run away forever, so I don't have to make myself miserable nor disappoint her. But somehow, maybe E2, I grew some balls and called her. I don't usually call people. Actually the same emotions as above already happened once when I told her I couldn't commute 3 hours a day (x2 so I guess 6). I was thinking of actually sucking it up and making that commute. But this is the second time. And I didn't have an excuse. Idk what I said, maybe I came off as the most inconsiderate asshole, I do not know, but I told her I won't do the part cuz of some BS reason, that she did not buy at all. She sounded pissed. But it was a done deal. Or so I thought.
Later in the day, she texted me and told me how "unstressful" and "low pressure" this role would be for me and how I would do great, trying to convince me otherwise. Of course all those feelings of not wanting to disappoint her surfaced again. She told me I can have the night to sleep on it. So much self doubt, thinking oh maybe she's right, maybe it will be good for me, maybe this random lady knows more about my capabilities than I do, maybe its the greatest opportunity I'll ever get. But in the morning of the next day, I knew that there was no way I can take the role. Calling her this third time would be the most difficult. I told her, my decision remains the same, she said okay. It was the briefest phone call ever. Now I know I've sealed the deal. Then I start regretting. What if she had been right. What if this role would've been the thing that brought my life together. But later in the day, I received an email. An email from the director. She sent me the nicest, most understanding message I've ever received, highlighting all my strengths and all my potentials, and seem genuinely grateful that I had even gone up there to audition. So, I know how to respond to the haters, the mean people, the people who don't like me. Or at least have much more experience. But I didn't quite know what to say to an email like that. I thought I would explain my whole background, all my struggles, how much I would've wanted the role, all my insecurities, but in the end, I sent a one line message: "Thank you for understanding." I didn't even sign my name. I feel like such and asshole. I could've thanked her more, told her maybe we could work together in the future or something. I don't know how to respond to positivity cuz I never get it.
Keeping strong and standing up for what I know is the best for me is something I could've never done pre E2. I guess the fear is starting to lift up. In other news, my fear of bugs is starting to lessen. I can kill tiny flies with my hand now. Course I'm still afraid of anything bigger than a speck, but before I was afraid to kill that speck, even with a paper or a shoe.
I need to learn to drive. I have a fear of driving. I think I'm gonna crash, burn and die. Will be interesting to see what E2 does about that.
Anger, annoyance, and frustration towards everything is lessening. I was smiling today. My mom commented and asked why I'm so smiley. She then said she missed the "old me", when I was kid, who would smile all the time. For some reason, I got all angry cuz I felt she hated who I am now. But reflecting on it, I think she's right. At some point in life, I was much happier, and I don't like who I am now too. Seems like E2 is doing some good work.
I have a fear, a fear that I all this will reverse and I will be back to who I was before this subliminal. I know progress isn't a straight line. So in a way I'm just waiting for the old feelings to come up. Keep expecting it to be soon.
Anyways, I usually write this journal late at night, but since I haven't for two days, I guess I had to catch up.
