E2

[surrealapathy]

Frustrated. Procrastinating. Haven't been listening to E2 on masked as much as I'd like, which is 3 hours a day, consecutively ideally. I'm still running it all through my sleep with ultrasonic though. I'm just gonna write cuz idk what is going on anymore. I know that E2 cools me down. Centers me when I'm angry. Maybe its the sub, could be the sound of the waves of the sea. idk.. who knows.. But it does work for me. However, even when I know that its good for me, for whatever reason I avoid it. I'm sitting there angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, tense, all the emotions, and consciously thinking I can just run E2 and this can be better, yet I don't. I mean course I am now, but it took quite a bit to get me here. Taking a last minute audition for a show I'm totally unprepared for. Like literally have no time to prepare. because I've burnt it all procrastinating. A huge part of me wants to just not do this audition, since I got literally a day to prepare, but I know I'm gonna do it anyway. So I guess the options are, do this feeling like I don't want to/totally unprepared(true though)/dreadful or just accept that I screwed up and be okay with not being okay. I mean I know feelings are not exactly options, but I like to think I can give myself a choice. Anyways, I will have to cancel that music lesson I was so confident about being prepared for cuz of this last minute audition thing... I haven't gone for 3 weeks now.. Wonder what kind of disappointment I must be to the teacher. I mean if I were the teacher and I had a student like me, I would've kicked him out. Like I guess its fear. Fear that my teacher will "fire" me, guilt that I didn't try harder, shame that I'm not good enough (okay so i guess idk the difference between guilt and shame). And yeah kinda gave up on the whole paragraph thing, at least for this post. In addition to all the worries I have bout the lack of my ability, I also gotta worry bout getting to the damn audition spot, cuz right now I got no way. I gotta learn to drive.. just have to... Im so fucking dependent on my parents, feeling shameful for being dependent and also guilty for wasting their effort and money on me.. Tomorrow, I will wake up and destroy the shit out of my audition material, learning and memorizing that shit.. I hope.. idk i think i get these outbursts of enthusiasm, energy to do better then it all disappears. since I am still using this post to procrastinate instead of getting shit done, let me talk about how shameful i am of my body. I'm fucking fat as fuck. Overweight. but at the same time I'm skinny, like my arms... so i guess they call that skinny fat. idk im hella shameful of it, guilty for not taking better care of myself. I try to portray myself as this guy who doesn't give a crap about my appearance but I really do... and idk.. I guess at the same time I dont really care about what I wear and also don't care about stuff I cant control. Like my height.. I'm a midget like 5'5''... but I know I can eat better, sleep better, do a bit of exercise... but I always procrastinate... Idk it feels like some people really hate doing that stuff but I love doing it cuz I feel better, but I literally procrastinate on my health. Im like ill start taking care of myself in a week or two. I never live in the moment... always procrastinating.. always stuck in the past thinking what i couldve done better.. looks like i also gave up on capitalization.. great... if anyone is actually reading this im so sorry... just so angry... i think im gonna sleep... maybe its procrastination... idk... i know i probably wont get my shit together tomorrow... but hey... i can do just a little better.. and its improvement.. ... ...i feel like im talking to myself like i would a child or something... telling him: it'll be okay, at least you tried... trying to rationalize my laziness and shit... bout 30 minutes into a masked run of E2... maybe I should finish it... i mean ill switch to ultrasonic when i sleep anyways. side note (as if this whole post hasn't been a side note) the light from my speakers keep me up at night.. I can't sleep with light.. must be 100% dark.. so I wake up early in the morning to turn off the sub then go back to sleep.. but maybe its the sub waking me up... oh forgot to tell this story... idk i didn't think it was important, but it seems like everyone writes bout their weird dreams so I had a dream where I was in danger of some sort.. then I realized it was a dream then woke myself up.. then i got up and started walking.. everything got distorted and shit.. hella trippy.. at some point i saw a bright light at the window like it was trying to pull me towards it.. then i started running away from the window, but i felt like it was pulling me towards it.. cant describe it but it felt like everything started being "glitchy" like in the computers and stuff... then I had a realization that this isn't real and I forced myself to wake up for real.. most vivid dream I had in a while.. not much of a dream rememberer but damn that was quite a memorable one for sure... alright... i think i cooled down quite a bit with this long reflection... maybe these journals help as much as the subs