E2

[surrealapathy]

Had a nice, calm day today. At some point I think I was pretty happy. Then I just had this feeling that it would go away, fearing that sense of peace will disappear. Of course the fear of not being able to hold on to this peace/happiness is what threw me out of the state. I have to accept that progress isn't a straight line and I'm where I'm at and i should just leave stuff alone; I should just trust. Course idk how to do that..

When anger came up in real life I was able to deal with it, maybe not well, but pretty decently... However, when I reflect on the past, that anger just boils up through my whole body.

I jerked off this morning cuz I woke up hella early (with wood) and couldn't fall back asleep... Didn't really feel any desire to jerk off for the rest of the day.

Listened to an hour of E2 in the morning. Right now I'm listening and hope to do 2 or 3 more. Idk how you all listen for months cuz it's not been 2 weeks for me and I feel like I'm getting more and more lazy already...

[surrealapathy]

I spend too much time fantasizing what I could be/could've been/will be. Like with the subs for example. Instead of actually trying to spend more time listening to the sub, I just kinda fantasize how much better my life would've been if I had listened to more subs in the past or I'd fantasize about what subs I will do after E2 and how much better life will be. I guess I need to live in the moment more.

Right now I'm regretting not getting any keyboard(piano) work done. I get so stressed cuz of my upcoming lesson and I don't know if I can say I like music, but it keeps me grounded and gives me goals in my otherwise event-less life. Sometimes, or most the time actually, I wonder why I pay for lessons just to give myself stress and disappoint my teacher. It feels more like torture than fun, emotionally. But at some point in life, I think I really did enjoy music. Maybe even loved it.. Don't really remember how that felt though.

I mean, it used to be the reason I went to school, for band class... Music did really change my life for the better, but maybe it's wrong to hold on to something I don't love anymore. Anyways, I try to keep going. Music in a way is the only thing that I "have to do" in this year off I'm taking. Maybe I'll even go to college for music...maybe... With the sub I think it gets me more aware of that I feel this shame and guilt for not learning the music, for wasting money and time, for disappointing teachers and myself. And in a way, it kinda gets me to tell myself to practice, to take responsibility so I don't have to feel this way. Like I would want to practice right now. Maybe I will, after writing this.

I spent most the day watching Youtubes and reading this forum. (when I could've been practicing or studying or anything really) I read people's success with other subs and feel like I want to just jump right there and skip this E2 thing, but I really will try to resist that. Not a big fan of counting the days or hours of how much I listen to though. I guess I want to do at least 3 months, but I guess I'm gonna go on how I'm feeling rather than keeping a day counter. Maybe that's a terrible idea.

I didn't any big anger things today, but I am noticing that all the little frustrations I have gotta be stopped. Like I try to destroy stuff when I'm in a store or misplace stuff cuz I'm feeling angry and stuff. I mean I don't outwardly vandalize anything, but maybe tear down a poster or rip off a sticker and stick it somewhere else... Must not be great for people who work.. Maybe it's not cuz I'm angry or frustrated and need healing, but just a terrible person.. idk..

[surrealapathy]

Had an audition today, I mean it was an open casting thing, where director literally looks at you and tells you if he wants you. And he didn't. I mean it's alright. I don't think I got sad or anything but maybe I did. I'm feeling really irritated right now and antsy and semiangry/frustrated. Idk..

But before that it was a pretty great day. I didn't take as much opportunities to stop and give myself the chance to not be angry as I'd like, but I noticed that I didn't, which IMO is just as important.. I mean I may be rationalizing it, but still...

I mean I had normal anger towards my mom. She asked me where this bus line went and I honestly didn't know and told her. She proceeded to ask me a few more times, and I just kept telling her I didn't know. Of course she then went You're so fucking stupid. And I just kinda walked off. I told myself I can choose to let go of the anger and cooled off in the bathroom. Or at least I thought I did. This is one of those surreal moments where I remember very clearly calming down and being at peace but then somehow the next thing I know I was yelling at my mom. Like I don't remember getting angry again. I don't remember walking out of the bathroom to where my mom was. It just felt like I was calm then boom, I teleported and was hella mad at mom.

I haven't had any motivation to jerk off lately other than boredom. Which by boredom I mean procrastination. Fear of getting stuff done. I read my journal from yesterday and don't know how I wrote that. I mean I don't think I'm ever eloquent or anything but compared to today's journal... ergh.. well Ive put off practicing but strangely confident that I can learn my shit by my lesson.

[surrealapathy]

Frustrated. Procrastinating. Haven't been listening to E2 on masked as much as I'd like, which is 3 hours a day, consecutively ideally. I'm still running it all through my sleep with ultrasonic though. I'm just gonna write cuz idk what is going on anymore. I know that E2 cools me down. Centers me when I'm angry. Maybe its the sub, could be the sound of the waves of the sea. idk.. who knows.. But it does work for me. However, even when I know that its good for me, for whatever reason I avoid it. I'm sitting there angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, tense, all the emotions, and consciously thinking I can just run E2 and this can be better, yet I don't. I mean course I am now, but it took quite a bit to get me here. Taking a last minute audition for a show I'm totally unprepared for. Like literally have no time to prepare. because I've burnt it all procrastinating. A huge part of me wants to just not do this audition, since I got literally a day to prepare, but I know I'm gonna do it anyway. So I guess the options are, do this feeling like I don't want to/totally unprepared(true though)/dreadful or just accept that I screwed up and be okay with not being okay. I mean I know feelings are not exactly options, but I like to think I can give myself a choice. Anyways, I will have to cancel that music lesson I was so confident about being prepared for cuz of this last minute audition thing... I haven't gone for 3 weeks now.. Wonder what kind of disappointment I must be to the teacher. I mean if I were the teacher and I had a student like me, I would've kicked him out. Like I guess its fear. Fear that my teacher will "fire" me, guilt that I didn't try harder, shame that I'm not good enough (okay so i guess idk the difference between guilt and shame). And yeah kinda gave up on the whole paragraph thing, at least for this post. In addition to all the worries I have bout the lack of my ability, I also gotta worry bout getting to the damn audition spot, cuz right now I got no way. I gotta learn to drive.. just have to... Im so fucking dependent on my parents, feeling shameful for being dependent and also guilty for wasting their effort and money on me.. Tomorrow, I will wake up and destroy the shit out of my audition material, learning and memorizing that shit.. I hope.. idk i think i get these outbursts of enthusiasm, energy to do better then it all disappears. since I am still using this post to procrastinate instead of getting shit done, let me talk about how shameful i am of my body. I'm fucking fat as fuck. Overweight. but at the same time I'm skinny, like my arms... so i guess they call that skinny fat. idk im hella shameful of it, guilty for not taking better care of myself. I try to portray myself as this guy who doesn't give a crap about my appearance but I really do... and idk.. I guess at the same time I dont really care about what I wear and also don't care about stuff I cant control. Like my height.. I'm a midget like 5'5''... but I know I can eat better, sleep better, do a bit of exercise... but I always procrastinate... Idk it feels like some people really hate doing that stuff but I love doing it cuz I feel better, but I literally procrastinate on my health. Im like ill start taking care of myself in a week or two. I never live in the moment... always procrastinating.. always stuck in the past thinking what i couldve done better.. looks like i also gave up on capitalization.. great... if anyone is actually reading this im so sorry... just so angry... i think im gonna sleep... maybe its procrastination... idk... i know i probably wont get my shit together tomorrow... but hey... i can do just a little better.. and its improvement.. ... ...i feel like im talking to myself like i would a child or something... telling him: it'll be okay, at least you tried... trying to rationalize my laziness and shit... bout 30 minutes into a masked run of E2... maybe I should finish it... i mean ill switch to ultrasonic when i sleep anyways. side note (as if this whole post hasn't been a side note) the light from my speakers keep me up at night.. I can't sleep with light.. must be 100% dark.. so I wake up early in the morning to turn off the sub then go back to sleep.. but maybe its the sub waking me up... oh forgot to tell this story... idk i didn't think it was important, but it seems like everyone writes bout their weird dreams so I had a dream where I was in danger of some sort.. then I realized it was a dream then woke myself up.. then i got up and started walking.. everything got distorted and shit.. hella trippy.. at some point i saw a bright light at the window like it was trying to pull me towards it.. then i started running away from the window, but i felt like it was pulling me towards it.. cant describe it but it felt like everything started being "glitchy" like in the computers and stuff... then I had a realization that this isn't real and I forced myself to wake up for real.. most vivid dream I had in a while.. not much of a dream rememberer but damn that was quite a memorable one for sure... alright... i think i cooled down quite a bit with this long reflection... maybe these journals help as much as the subs

[surrealapathy]

Spelled my username correct when logging in for the first time.. apathy is a hard word... well I mostly its just cuz I wanna spell it apathey...

Not much to report... much waste of time.. obviously didn't get anything done.. and now I am not freaking out like last night... but I guess tomorrow night... The night before that damn audition.. I mean maybe I won't.. But this is typical of me.. I mean I guess I should freak out but I kinda am at that stage where I accepted I screwed up and its too late to fix it so just go with it.. I mean if I don't do well I obviously will regret and stuff, but I guess I don't have to worry about that till after...

I needa stop watching porn. I'm not even jerking off anymore.. I literally just watch it.. Like I don't feel any desire to jack off, but I'm bored/procrastinating, so I watched like 5 hours of porn without touching myself.. I mean I guess I did kinda at times, but wasn't really horny or anything.. And youtube.. I gotta cut back on the porn and the youtubes.

Anger towards mom.. Frustration towards everything... I guess I'm really not taking care of myself... I know I blame it on the stress of the audition, but it really is just me not taking time to chill out. Holding on to old habits.. Not allowing the change to happen..

I think I get pissed off for the most unreasonable of reasons and I just don't know why. And course I don't even try to explain so guess that upsets people also.. I mean before "explain" by getting hella mad, showing my anger, outbursts and stuff, to show the person I'm upset, but I guess for the most part I can just swallow it... but the anger is definitely still there.. I want people to know that I am upset so they won't anger me again.. But I guess I just gotta learn to not be angry.. Idk how.

[surrealapathy]

Idk if it was just me but the site seemed to be down for a day or 2..

Anyways, a lot has happened these past few days. I did that audition and it went relatively well. The day before the audition I completely did not stress over it and even the day of. In a way I didn't want to see the reality of it, which was I was completely unprepared. I told myself that if I were to win the audition I would win the audition. I know that I'm not going to work any harder if I won, so maybe I should show the audition panel how I function in real life. Then again, I did think that if I did win the audition I would get my shit together, starting with cleaning my damn room. But I had a realization that I need to get my shut together regardless of the audition results. So I promised myself that I will get my life on track after the weekend.

For the actual audition, I didn't completely fail, but it wasn't anywhere near good. But this is for the already lowered standards I set for myself. So I did bad even for me. But for some odd reason, the director really liked me. She offered me one of the leading roles. And I got really excited and accepted it on the spot. But here's a little background of where I was going to be doing this show. It was an hour drive away from where I live, 3 hours by public transportation, and I don't know how to drive. It would rehearse twice a week, meaning I would have to spend 6 hours on transportation alone. So I called her back and told her the problem. She then offered me a room to stay in for free for half the week. Guess she really wants me to do the role.

Of course, I stupidly accepted her offer. But then I did more thinking. This is my gap year. My year off. I don't really want to be stressing myself out. I'm here to get my life together. Not potentially do something that will screw it up even more. Like I said, I know myself. I'm the laziest procrastinator dude in the world. Even if this is the best opportunity I'll ever get, I know I wouldn't work any harder, maybe even less because of the stress. It was just too much for me. I know it wouldn't make me happy. I didn't want to take the audition in the first place. So I knew I had to call her back.

I don't know if I've said this (cuz this journal is so disorganized and basically unreadable), but I have pretty bad anxiety (maybe, idk, self diagnosed). I know the director really wants me for the part, I mean she found a free room for me. I really did not want to disappoint her. A huge, huge part of me wanted to just suck it up, do the part, make myself miserable, so I don't disappoint this random lady whom I've met once. And I've done it before. Countless times. And then course I thought maybe I can just run away forever, so I don't have to make myself miserable nor disappoint her. But somehow, maybe E2, I grew some balls and called her. I don't usually call people. Actually the same emotions as above already happened once when I told her I couldn't commute 3 hours a day (x2 so I guess 6). I was thinking of actually sucking it up and making that commute. But this is the second time. And I didn't have an excuse. Idk what I said, maybe I came off as the most inconsiderate asshole, I do not know, but I told her I won't do the part cuz of some BS reason, that she did not buy at all. She sounded pissed. But it was a done deal. Or so I thought.

Later in the day, she texted me and told me how "unstressful" and "low pressure" this role would be for me and how I would do great, trying to convince me otherwise. Of course all those feelings of not wanting to disappoint her surfaced again. She told me I can have the night to sleep on it. So much self doubt, thinking oh maybe she's right, maybe it will be good for me, maybe this random lady knows more about my capabilities than I do, maybe its the greatest opportunity I'll ever get. But in the morning of the next day, I knew that there was no way I can take the role. Calling her this third time would be the most difficult. I told her, my decision remains the same, she said okay. It was the briefest phone call ever. Now I know I've sealed the deal. Then I start regretting. What if she had been right. What if this role would've been the thing that brought my life together. But later in the day, I received an email. An email from the director. She sent me the nicest, most understanding message I've ever received, highlighting all my strengths and all my potentials, and seem genuinely grateful that I had even gone up there to audition. So, I know how to respond to the haters, the mean people, the people who don't like me. Or at least have much more experience. But I didn't quite know what to say to an email like that. I thought I would explain my whole background, all my struggles, how much I would've wanted the role, all my insecurities, but in the end, I sent a one line message: "Thank you for understanding." I didn't even sign my name. I feel like such and asshole. I could've thanked her more, told her maybe we could work together in the future or something. I don't know how to respond to positivity cuz I never get it.

Keeping strong and standing up for what I know is the best for me is something I could've never done pre E2. I guess the fear is starting to lift up. In other news, my fear of bugs is starting to lessen. I can kill tiny flies with my hand now. Course I'm still afraid of anything bigger than a speck, but before I was afraid to kill that speck, even with a paper or a shoe.

I need to learn to drive. I have a fear of driving. I think I'm gonna crash, burn and die. Will be interesting to see what E2 does about that.

Anger, annoyance, and frustration towards everything is lessening. I was smiling today. My mom commented and asked why I'm so smiley. She then said she missed the "old me", when I was kid, who would smile all the time. For some reason, I got all angry cuz I felt she hated who I am now. But reflecting on it, I think she's right. At some point in life, I was much happier, and I don't like who I am now too. Seems like E2 is doing some good work.

I have a fear, a fear that I all this will reverse and I will be back to who I was before this subliminal. I know progress isn't a straight line. So in a way I'm just waiting for the old feelings to come up. Keep expecting it to be soon.

Anyways, I usually write this journal late at night, but since I haven't for two days, I guess I had to catch up.

[Chris P. Bacon]

I know the fear of everything reverting as well, it's bounced around my mind as well. Keep it up!!!

[surrealapathy]

So today I had this weird dream (while I was listening to E2 on masked headphones) that was connected to the weird dream I had earlier. I dreamed that I got out of bed, walked to the door then fainted, falling straight to the fall. Then I woke up in my bed and it was exactly like my previous dream. Everything was all glitchy. I tried to get out of bed and force myself to wake up, knowing it was a dream. But I couldn't wake myself. Then somehow I got to the floor and wanted to pound the ground for help, but my arms were weak and no sound was coming out. I somehow made it to the kitchen where I saw my mom when walking in, but when I got to her she was gone. Then somehow, I was back in my room. In my last dream, the light by the window was pulling me towards it. The feeling was the same. In my last dream, I was able to force myself to wake up because I realized it was a dream, but this time I couldn't force myself awake. So I decided to accept it and let the light by the window pull me forward. Idk what happened then, but I felt like I let go and just accepted it and somehow I ended up flying in the sky for a while. Last thing I remember before I woke up was a robot fight in some arena. When I woke up, I was in absolute bliss. Haven't felt that good waking up in such a long time. Now, idk if dreams have meaning or not, but it felt like before I resisted a lot of stuff and forced myself to do stuff, but when I let go and let the thing that wants to happen naturally happen, then everything starts to come together.

Yesterday, I cleaned my room. So, it might not be a big deal to most people, but I haven't cleaned my room in almost 3 years. I disappoint my mom in a lot of ways, but I felt like having a messy room was among the top disappointments. I dug up so much shit. Like I had stuff from sophomore year (of high school). Everything was all over the floor. I have a pretty big room and papers covered every part of it. Usually, I really hate it when people give metaphors and "meaning" to stuff, like cleaning a room, but everything I had from high school I threw away. Like I felt like I was letting go of my high school days and finally moving on. Its kinda dumb, but I wrote and drew some stuff for a crush I had throughout most of high school, that I kept for way too long, and throwing it out was kinda my way of letting it go. It's really weird but looking at it then tossing it made me sad. I don't usually feel sad. I feel frustration, I feel anger, I feel annoyance. But rarely do I ever genuinely feel sad. It's a nice feeling. Kinda calming. Anyways, I have too many regrets that I couldn't let go of. I don't believe how some people claim doing a single thing or reading a single thing change their life forever. I don't believe in life changing events in general. But I did feel like cleaning my room (which took 4 hours btw, and all I did was throw stuff away, didn't keep anything) gave me a bit of a release from the clutch of high school. But of course I am still attached. It made me feel different in the moment, but I feel mostly the same now. idk.. At least it made my mom happy. Win an audition for a leading role and she gives no reaction. Doing something as cleaning my room and she's hella f*cking proud of me. Idk how parents work...

[DisneylandUSA]

So today I had this weird dream (while I was listening to E2 on masked headphones) that was connected to the weird dream I had earlier. I dreamed that I got out of bed, walked to the door then fainted, falling straight to the fall. Then I woke up in my bed and it was exactly like my previous dream. Everything was all glitchy. I tried to get out of bed and force myself to wake up, knowing it was a dream. But I couldn't wake myself. Then somehow I got to the floor and wanted to pound the ground for help, but my arms were weak and no sound was coming out. I somehow made it to the kitchen where I saw my mom when walking in, but when I got to her she was gone. Then somehow, I was back in my room. In my last dream, the light by the window was pulling me towards it. The feeling was the same. In my last dream, I was able to force myself to wake up because I realized it was a dream, but this time I couldn't force myself awake. So I decided to accept it and let the light by the window pull me forward. Idk what happened then, but I felt like I let go and just accepted it and somehow I ended up flying in the sky for a while. Last thing I remember before I woke up was a robot fight in some arena. When I woke up, I was in absolute bliss. Haven't felt that good waking up in such a long time. Now, idk if dreams have meaning or not, but it felt like before I resisted a lot of stuff and forced myself to do stuff, but when I let go and let the thing that wants to happen naturally happen, then everything starts to come together.

Yesterday, I cleaned my room. So, it might not be a big deal to most people, but I haven't cleaned my room in almost 3 years. I disappoint my mom in a lot of ways, but I felt like having a messy room was among the top disappointments. I dug up so much shit. Like I had stuff from sophomore year (of high school). Everything was all over the floor. I have a pretty big room and papers covered every part of it. Usually, I really hate it when people give metaphors and "meaning" to stuff, like cleaning a room, but everything I had from high school I threw away. Like I felt like I was letting go of my high school days and finally moving on. Its kinda dumb, but I wrote and drew some stuff for a crush I had throughout most of high school, that I kept for way too long, and throwing it out was kinda my way of letting it go. It's really weird but looking at it then tossing it made me sad. I don't usually feel sad. I feel frustration, I feel anger, I feel annoyance. But rarely do I ever genuinely feel sad. It's a nice feeling. Kinda calming. Anyways, I have too many regrets that I couldn't let go of. I don't believe how some people claim doing a single thing or reading a single thing change their life forever. I don't believe in life changing events in general. But I did feel like cleaning my room (which took 4 hours btw, and all I did was throw stuff away, didn't keep anything) gave me a bit of a release from the clutch of high school. But of course I am still attached. It made me feel different in the moment, but I feel mostly the same now. idk.. At least it made my mom happy. Win an audition for a leading role and she gives no reaction. Doing something as cleaning my room and she's hella f*cking proud of me. Idk how parents work...

Great that you cleaned up your Room; If only I had your motivation; My Bedroom would look so clean... Museum Quality Clean

[surrealapathy]

Been pretty lazy with this shit... I kinda haven't listened to E2 at all in the past 2 days with headphones... Still have it on all night with the ultrasonic though, but I put it on at such a low volume, 4 bars on ipod, don't know how effective it will be. So tempting to switch to this new DMSI thing, but I will keep onto E2. I think I'm going to aim for at least an hour on headphones, just an hour, which is much less intimidating than my usual 3. And for long term, I think I'm gonna try to stick with E2 till the first 6G (full version, after all that testing shit) comes out... Don't know how far away that'll be but I will hold off till then..

I've been spending at least 3 or 4 hours everyday on chaturbate.. I got myself way too obsessed with that site. I haven't spent too much money on porn but its definitely not a small amount.. I feel like these past days Ive been letting myself go, not tracking my progress on here and falling into old habits. The journaling will help if I keep to it everyday. That is a goal. Everyday journaling. No excuses. Idk when I set goals for myself, I've never been able to complete them.. But hey it's worth a try.

It seems like everything reverted to pre-E2, but I think I've seen what is possible, and just gotta make myself available. I tend to identify as an angry kid, a procrastinator, not being able to get anything done, etc.. like I own it, as if angry kid was my title, my label. I'll tell everyone I'm a procrastinator with confidence. But I know its possible to let go of that label. I don't have to own it. I think of myself as someone with no self control. Like that is my identity. But it doesn't have to be. I can let go of it, and allow change to happen. Idk why I talk about all this idealistic shit. But that's also a thing I feel like I own: a guy who never changes even though he talks a big game. Idk whats gonna happen, but I will try to make myself available for change.

I will have to say though, I've been dealing with anger pretty well. But loneliness still reigns over me. That makes me frustrated, tense and angry. Since I'm on a gap year, supposedly using it to catch up on schoolwork, I don't have to work or ever leave the house or anything. Course I end up jerking all day. No interaction with anyone whatsoever. What little friends I have are off to college. Only see my teachers/tutors. idk maybe i can find away to not feel lonely like how I was able to choose to step away from anger... cuz some people are alone all the time and somehow function well... maybe i dont even have to not feel lonely, just be able to function well with the lonelyness, instead of resorting to porn/internet/TV. Havent done ANYTHING this past week. It's been a slow week. and you know what. There's no way to "recharge" or anything cuz I have literally no stress.

anyways I enjoy journaling I think.

[DisneylandUSA]

Been pretty lazy with this shit... I kinda haven't listened to E2 at all in the past 2 days with headphones... Still have it on all night with the ultrasonic though, but I put it on at such a low volume, 4 bars on ipod, don't know how effective it will be. So tempting to switch to this new DMSI thing, but I will keep onto E2. I think I'm going to aim for at least an hour on headphones, just an hour, which is much less intimidating than my usual 3. And for long term, I think I'm gonna try to stick with E2 till the first 6G (full version, after all that testing shit) comes out... Don't know how far away that'll be but I will hold off till then..

I've been spending at least 3 or 4 hours everyday on chaturbate.. I got myself way too obsessed with that site. I haven't spent too much money on porn but its definitely not a small amount.. I feel like these past days Ive been letting myself go, not tracking my progress on here and falling into old habits. The journaling will help if I keep to it everyday. That is a goal. Everyday journaling. No excuses. Idk when I set goals for myself, I've never been able to complete them.. But hey it's worth a try.

It seems like everything reverted to pre-E2, but I think I've seen what is possible, and just gotta make myself available. I tend to identify as an angry kid, a procrastinator, not being able to get anything done, etc.. like I own it, as if angry kid was my title, my label. I'll tell everyone I'm a procrastinator with confidence. But I know its possible to let go of that label. I don't have to own it. I think of myself as someone with no self control. Like that is my identity. But it doesn't have to be. I can let go of it, and allow change to happen. Idk why I talk about all this idealistic shit. But that's also a thing I feel like I own: a guy who never changes even though he talks a big game. Idk whats gonna happen, but I will try to make myself available for change.

I will have to say though, I've been dealing with anger pretty well. But loneliness still reigns over me. That makes me frustrated, tense and angry. Since I'm on a gap year, supposedly using it to catch up on schoolwork, I don't have to work or ever leave the house or anything. Course I end up jerking all day. No interaction with anyone whatsoever. What little friends I have are off to college. Only see my teachers/tutors. idk maybe i can find away to not feel lonely like how I was able to choose to step away from anger... cuz some people are alone all the time and somehow function well... maybe i dont even have to not feel lonely, just be able to function well with the lonelyness, instead of resorting to porn/internet/TV. Havent done ANYTHING this past week. It's been a slow week. and you know what. There's no way to "recharge" or anything cuz I have literally no stress.

anyways I enjoy journaling I think.

Keep motivated. It takes time for improvement in all areas

[surrealapathy]

Thanks DisneylandUSA.

I think it will be better for me to not use my computer for a while, till I break this porn addiction. I will try to spend at least 2 weeks off the internet, if that is even possible. I think I'm also addicted to reading the journals on here.. Anyway, I realized that I need time to just do work. If I can't even make a day (which in all honesty will happen) I will update. That being said today was complete shit. But I will stick to goals set yesterday. See you in (hopefully) 2 weeks.

[surrealapathy]

Well not only did I get more obsessed with jacking off, I stopped listening to E2 on my headphones, for about 2 months... I did listen all through the night with my ultrasonics though. But maybe the volume was too low, 4 on the iPod, with speakers across my room. Idk if it had any effect, but I did notice my anger was significantly lowered, but it has been returning progressively. Especially after I went to New York last week (with no E2 at all), I kinda just blew up when I returned home. I've also felt much more on edge and out of control since I stopped headphone E2. However I started it up yesterday again, and am hoping to keep it up at least till Christmas. Keeping this journal seems like a good way to keep me honest. kinda like homework.

The thing I want to have from the E2 headphone listening days most is that feeling of not collapsing down/making myself smaller, more vulnerable to please people. Cuz I think what I've become is that I'm either overly submissive/approval-seeking or I explode in anger and control and manipulate. I don't think I have an in between. I think I shut myself down (even in posture, make my voice softer, weaker, higher) cuz I think that angry, hate-filled dude is my true self and I have to hide that. I hope E2 can help to decrease that anger, hate, frustration, thirst for destruction, etc.... so that I can be more comfortable expressing who I am, cuz right now I feel like I gotta hide who I am. Like I act nice and stuff while at the same time thinking sinful (maybe even murderous) thoughts... I know I don't actually want to kill anyone but its that intense anger and hatred I feel towards every aspect of life, I know I have to hide.

Anyways, I haven't even started my college applications and they're due.. like idk... ... wow I actually don't know.. but probably December I want to say... I think I've been "motivated" with my music, but I think I just want to use my music to prove that I'm not a worthless piece of shit, it's not actual motivation. I have had some decent practice sessions, but most are uncomfortable with huge amounts of anger at how I can't even do the one thing I can be good at (if I worked harder)... I think at some point in life I really loved music, but I don't remember how that feels.

I think E2 is good. Idk if I can stick to it. Pretty sure I won't. Maybe that's setting me up for failure. tried to read half of a previous post and I can't. I feel like before Ive been so careful about what I'm saying. Right now the apathy (which I still can't spell when logging in) is strong and pretty overwhelming. Or maybe I just don't want to accept the piece of crap that I am so I don't read my posts. Anyways, maybe that should be another E2 goal: be comfortable enough to read my old journal posts.

[surrealapathy]

It's been quite a while since I last posted here. So basically what I've done with E2 in the past few months is just put it on silent (low volume) all day and kinda set it and forget it. I haven't read any of my previous posts but I think E2 has allowed me to come a long way from where I started.

Of course me posting here after a long while means that something is going bad. Well. Music. At first I thought 'setting a goal' is what kept me motivated. Now, what I realize is that the stress wasn't coming from deadlines, but from the sheer amount of music that I have to learn. When I only had a few things to learn, it kept me motivated, and I got a lot done (or at least I did a lot). But now, I am overwhelmed and when I don't believe I can do something, I procrastinate. Lately, I haven't been practicing, because I am scared of listening to myself. Scared that I won't be productive in my practice session. Fear of not being perfect always makes me never want to practice, since I'm gonna make mistakes in my practice. That fear turns into procrastination. The overwhelming amount of music just makes me learn none of it. I haven't been keeping up my ear training either, but that's okay because adding that will surely overwhelm me even more. Since music is such a physical/emotional/mental skill, with mind-body connection and all, fear is what makes a musician mess up physically. Being scared and afraid of those high notes is the real killer. I mean yeah. I have to do the right things to hit the high notes. But if I can get rid of that fear reflex. That is what's holding me back the most. Being afraid of the things that will go wrong physically like I had already messed up before I had even started. That is what's wrong with me.

I've been thinking a lot about getting stuck, stuck in our beliefs, stuck in our desires. I want to be the perfect musician. Technically perfect, at least (so getting all the physical things right, not including emotion and all that stuff). I believe that if I keep practicing I must get to this place of perfection. In fact, I believe that without a doubt, I will be perfect, but I just need a few more years. But that is something I have to let go of. It's a harmful belief. I drill all this "positivity", all this "self-confidence" into my head, like becoming a great musician is some kind of birthright. Like it's some sort of absolute. What I really need, is to give myself permission to fail. What I need to tell myself, is "I don't have to be a great musician." In fact, sometimes I even need to remind myself that "I am not a great musician." I can't be stuck in these absolute beliefs. That everything "has" to be a certain way. It's easier said than done.

I think I enjoy this idea of becoming "perfect" more than music itself. Music isn't fun for me. I mean I don't think music, or anything, has to be "fun". I think what I need is just to keep it lighthearted. Carefree. Enjoyable. NATURAL. It feels dumb to even say it, but I need to make it an extension, no.. a part, of my body. There is too much fear in me for that. Fear that I won't be a great musician. Instead of keep trying to tell myself that yes I will be a great musician, I need to let go of this whole concept, and allow myself to not be perfect. Not even be good. I don't need other people to think I am good, either. That's even harder to let go of. But I will give myself permission to fail. So that I am free from these beliefs, and the fear associated with it. Then after I convince myself that I can fail, I gotta not fail. It's kinda this 'balance', this dark (I give myself permission to fail) and this light (I will succeed, but without thinking I have to). And the balance is hard. Hardest thing in the world. Too much 'dark', and it turns into apathy (I mean look at my username), too much 'light', well that's where I am right now, turns into this debilitating fear.

Course I gotta apply this to all other aspects of life. I mean there are tons of beliefs I am not willing to let go of. But again, I can't let go of too much. The hard balance. I always want an absolute. I want to know exactly how much to let go, exactly how much to keep. I wanna know exactly how much 'light' I need, exactly how much 'dark'. I am desperate for the formula. But I gotta tell... remind myself "Nothing has to be a certain way." I think its true. There is no formula. No magic pill. I think the best thing to do is try to do the best I can each day. Not even worrying about doing better tomorrow. Or worrying that tomorrow might be worse than today. Just gotta do my best each day. and even that can't be absolute.