E2

[surrealapathy]

Started this subliminal program almost a week. Noticed a few things.

I kinda don't really talk to my brother but for the first time, I asked him how his day was. It was kinda really weird cuz I would never say something like that to him, but I didn't really think about that. Just saw him and said it.

I get angry at almost everything my mom says. But these few days I felt like I got the choice to either be angry or just let it go. Didn't let go most of the time, but I felt like I had a choice.

I'm nervous around most people and I have a tendency to collapse and tense my body and my voice goes a bit softer and higher. At one point, I think I noticed that my body was uncomfortable and locked up and just opened up my shoulders and relaxed a bit but kinda just fell back into the habit. I will try to focus on that the next time I talk. I don't see people very often, though. I'm taking a gap year, well, hopefully I will go to college next year.

I'm trying to study some stuff on my own, to prepare for college, but hasn't been going so well. I just waste most my time on the internet and just kinda lounging around all day. Didn't do too well in high school.

Gonna try to update this journal as much as possible, but not much goes on in my life so idk

[cataleya]

I get angry at almost everything my mom says. But these few days I felt like I got the choice to either be angry or just let it go. Didn't let go most of the time, but I felt like I had a choice.

I feel the same thing with my dad. But in my case I don`t think E2 has even started fixing that...

[maxx55]

I get angry at almost everything my mom says. But these few days I felt like I got the choice to either be angry or just let it go. Didn't let go most of the time, but I felt like I had a choice.

I feel the same thing with my dad. But in my case I don`t think E2 has even started fixing that...

This has confused me. I read some E2 users' journals and they talk about how they use to bottle up their emotions, especially anger, and they now easily speak their mind and put others in their place since using E2. Others talk of how they are no longer bothered. I'm not sure which is the response that E2 is aiming for.

With myself, for example, when my dad says or does something that bothers me, I still get upset about it in the moment. I even gave him a response recently that surprised me, but he didn't get angry.

[Chris P. Bacon]

I get angry at almost everything my mom says. But these few days I felt like I got the choice to either be angry or just let it go. Didn't let go most of the time, but I felt like I had a choice.

I feel the same thing with my dad. But in my case I don`t think E2 has even started fixing that...

This has confused me. I read some E2 users' journals and they talk about how they use to bottle up their emotions, especially anger, and they now easily speak their mind and put others in their place since using E2. Others talk of how they are no longer bothered. I'm not sure which is the response that E2 is aiming for.

With myself, for example, when my dad says or does something that bothers me, I still get upset about it in the moment. I even gave him a response recently that surprised me, but he didn't get angry.

I'm not positive about this but I think E2 is more of a guide than a path. E2 guides you towards the path that is most expedient for your goals and desires, which vary from person to person.

I feel like everyone's experience will be different because we are different.

[surrealapathy]

Last night after I listened to one loop(?) of E2, I got this weird urge to tidy up my room. It's still pretty messy but it was late and I didn't want to stay up. Was pretty happy with what I did though. Haven't cleaned my room for almost a year. I thought to myself that I must wake up tomorrow morning and clean the rest up, but when I woke this morning I completely had no urge to do it.

Today my mom was talking to this guy and the dude asked me a question, but instead, my mom answered for me and it was the not what I was wanting to say. I really hate how she talks for me. I got really mad, left, then relaxed a bit. I was so tempted to get angry not because I was still angry but because I wanted to show her that I did not appreciate what she had done. But I didn't and maybe I could've calmly told her, but I decided to not. I kinda regret not saying anything because she'll just make me angry next time she does it, but I know that I would've gotten so angry and upset if I had tried. I realized that many of my previous outbursts were not because I was truly angry, but because I just wanted to bring to attention that I am frustrated.

I didn't get much anything done once again, but I did practice a bit of keyboard. My piano skills are non existent and the piano is really out of tune. But I've been putting off going to my private music lesson for almost a month and a half now, giving some BS excuses. Was a bit overwhelmed by the assignment so I just didn't do it. Idk if it was the subliminal but its pretty amazing that I actually did some practice, even if it was only about 15-20 minutes. Now I feel like the assignment is actually attainable if I worked at it. Funny story: On the first day I listened to E2, I was stressed out about what excuse I wanted to make to not go to my lesson, and idk if it was the sub or not, but miraculously, my teacher was busy and had to cancel on me.

[surrealapathy]

I didn't do any keyboard today, which is kinda sucks. I'm very unmotivated I guess. Sometimes I feel like if only I worked harder, but I realize now that not working hard is just as conscious a decision as working hard. I always fantasize what a better life I will have if I were a hard worker, which just wastes so much time. Gotta stop.

I might have had anger today, but don't remember so I guess it's alright. But part of it is because I've grown to not care that I'm angry all the time, so I don't know.

I listened to E2 for a bit (headphones/ocean surf), but for the past few weeks, I've doubled my porn watch and jerking, and I just kinda stopped the subliminal halfway to jerk off... I feel real bad now cuz I didn't listen to the whole 3 hours I intended to. Stopped at around 1 and a half. I let it run on the ultrasonic during the night though.

Today was one of those surreal days that I kinda just don't know how I got from this morning to this night. I vaguely remember certain things, but I guess it just went so bad(?) that I almost don't want to remember the events of the day. Anyways, I'll try to listen better tomorrow, practice, and have more self awareness.

[surrealapathy]

ooh I remember some more actually. I had a singing lesson today and the teacher told me I have the tendency to act vulnerable. To act like I need help so people feel bad for me and want to help me. She wants my body language to change. Like not be a weak dude that people want to help but be strong and powerful and more open and confident and stuff. I guess its true. I do tend to portray myself as someone who needs other people's help. Kinda afraid to change cuz I feel like I wouldn't know what to do if I weren't the baby. Like I act all nice towards people but on the inside I'm very angry and frustrated all the time. But I just gotta remember I can let go.

[maxx55]

Regarding the porn watching, the EXACT same thing has happened to me since I've been on E2. I'll be in the middle of listening and then get the urge to f***, but I don't have any girl to f*** so I just go straight to porn. And it has been way more frequent since E2.

For a while, I just went with it. It really felt useless to resist, but I'm working on it. I recently came to think that watching porn and masturbating is a kind of coping mechanism, like alcohol is for some.

[Blink]

Regarding the porn watching, the EXACT same thing has happened to me since I've been on E2. I'll be in the middle of listening and then get the urge to f***, but I don't have any girl to f*** so I just go straight to porn. And it has been way more frequent since E2.

For a while, I just went with it. It really felt useless to resist, but I'm working on it. I recently came to think that watching porn and masturbating is a kind of coping mechanism, like alcohol is for some.

Oh wow! Same here... I broke my more than 6 months nofap while on E2. I was thinking it would be just a one time thing, but it kept on happening. So I started thinking that if the OE pushes me to stop again, I will. I'm not trying to resist the urge or anything, just going with it, even tho I do have a gf at the moment.

[RTBoss]

E2 makes you face the root of issues. If you used to fap or watch porn, and stopped - a lot of times it was an effect with a root cause. Rather than deal with the cause, you buried the effect (with nofap). Now that you're dealing with the root cause, the effect temporarily remanifests itself as you deal with it.

I stopped working out or exercising on E2 and started eating like complete shit. I've always used exercise or getting my body to look good as a shield for something (and as a way to boost my ego). Apparently, it was important for me to break the cycle and just work on accepting myself, no matter how I look or whatever. I will need to revisit E2 in the future, but whoever said it works different for everyone at different speeds was right-on.

[Blink]

E2 makes you face the root of issues. If you used to fap or watch porn, and stopped - a lot of times it was an effect with a root cause. Rather than deal with the cause, you buried the effect (with nofap). Now that you're dealing with the root cause, the effect temporarily remanifests itself as you deal with it.

I stopped working out or exercising on E2 and started eating like complete shit. I've always used exercise or getting my body to look good as a shield for something (and as a way to boost my ego). Apparently, it was important for me to break the cycle and just work on accepting myself, no matter how I look or whatever. I will need to revisit E2 in the future, but whoever said it works different for everyone at different speeds was right-on.

That makes a lot of sense! I'm starting to feel a little disconnect from porn already. The whole jerking off to it feels so mechanical and unnecessary... Something is definitely being worked on!

[surrealapathy]

Alright... So last night, I was in the kitchen drinking water from a glass cup. The bottom of the cup was kinda dirty so I lifted it up to see if it was dirty inside or outside. Then my mom walks in and sees me checking out the bottom of the cup and asks me if I smashed the cup. I didn't respond. She asks if water is leaking out the bottom because I smashed the cup. She comes over and touches the table to see if the water has spilled out. Then she walked away. It wasn't a joke; she was completely serious. How can I try to improve myself when others just assume I'm terrible. Yes, in the past I've had many, many outbursts of anger: breaking windows, throwing phones at ceilings, breaking ceiling light, punching holes in the wall... And yeah I guess it's right for her to assume the worse. And she always does. I was literally just checking the bottom of the cup to see if it's dirty and she would think I broke the cup. She does this all the time and I would get angry just to show her that I don't appreciate her thinking I'm always doing something terrible. Kinda counterproductive, I know...

But the amazing thing that happened was, this time I didn't at all get angry. I was just like what are you talking about. But absolute no anger. However, I'm getting pretty angry just reflecting on this. Idk... Maybe I should let it be and stop thinking about it.

Today however, my anger levels are back to "normal". Everything irritates me. I guess progress isn't a straight line.

[surrealapathy]

Thanks for the input on the whole porn thing. So I just realized something today. I needed to take a shower. I have always thought the most logical time to jerk off was right before a shower. So before I take the shower, I tried to watch some porn and jack it. But I realized half way, I wasn't at all turned on. I was just trying to jack off so I can do the "logical" thing and be clean after the shower. I stopped. Well I guess its not something I realized today, kinda always knew. But before I would just keep trying to jack off until I came... However, it just didn't feel right today. The urge to jack off I get when listening to E2 that forces me to stop listening and watch porn is so much stronger and jacking off then actually feels great. I kinda just have to break the cycle. I will not jack off when I need to change clothes or need to take a shower. I will jack off when I feel that actual, real desire to do so. Only jacked off once today, as compared to the 3 times a day for the past week... Idk if its progress or not, but I feel like I'm getting more.. idk the word... aligned with my real desires?... idk

[surrealapathy]

I don't wanna go into details but I'm a hella controlling and manipulative person and i kinda told myself to stop and I can just stop doing that at anytime but I just kept at it. Made person feel really bad... I guess to make up for that, I did some singing. Problem is when I sing when I'm not totally focused and at ease I just end up gettin worse. I really hope I didn't just set myself back at least a month... Cuz that would be bad... Gonna try to practice better tomorrow morning. It's when I sing to hear my voice, to prove to myself that there is something I'm good at, that my singing, ironically gets worse.. Idk if I ever sing for fun, but when I do sing, I need to make sure I get work done, instead of sabatoging myself.. I guess it's just guilt for earlier that I wanted to show myself that I am not that bad... Well, now I feel bad for undoing all that work, so more guilt..

Fell back into the jerking off when it's time to do it, rather than doing when I feel like it. Maybe cuz I've not been listening to the loops of E2 in a loop (ocean).. Haven't had time to sit through 3 hours consecutively, but I am getting 2 nonconsecutive hours or so with headphones and loop the ultrasonic through the night..

Nothing remarkable really happened with my anger today... Too busy being a jerk.. Wasn't as good as the first few days but I guess it's not completely back to where I was before I started..