Disconnect from negativity within

[mat422]

I kind of just realized how stress and anxiety can really affect you without you realizing it. On top of that I consistently confuse fatigue for depression. Or maybe the fatigue just makes the depression more noticeable. Anyway, I have a horrible habit of clenching my teeth which I try to be aware of. But at night I feel like I do it too and I'm not even aware of it.

I guess what I'm getting at is, my life has always been a challenge in a lot of ways. I was going to check out a computer store to see if they were hiring, but I decided I was going to do this two days before I actually did it. For those 2 days I had a lot of anxiety about doing it and I couldn't get it off my mind. Something so simple as going in and asking if there was an open position, which seems so easy, was just causing me so much distress. In the end I pushed through the fear and did it, which I acknowledged and let myself feel good about.

Now the thing about my anxiety is, I've learned to push through the fear and I try my best. But the days leading up to the situation or event can just fill me with so much anxiety it drains me of all my energy. It's pretty much anticipatory anxiety, which is always worse than the actual event. My biggest problem is after I move past the anticipatory anxiety and get to the actual thing, it's not as bad as I expect. Except I feel like my mind still doesn't understand that there is nothing to be afraid of, it's like no matter how much I try to logically explain to myself that it wasn't bad at all and change my perspective, I feel like I'm still running some internal program that makes me fearful.

I read online that past experiences can really affect future decisions and make you worry over trivial things. At a subconscious level my mind learned that for whatever reason events in which I'm judged, such as job interviews, are a bad thing.

Now for the good news. My mindset has shifted from this sub. I'm not all over the place like I used to be. I've broken down things into realistic goals and stopped worrying so much in general. I still have more things that I'd like to clear out, but I'll see how things go.

[Spiral]

If there's more things to clear out then maybe you should keep running the sub!

Sounds like you are having a good time, Mat. I have the same issue. Depending on how critical I think the situation can be to my well being and happiness is how strong my anxiety can be. So what I do now is do my best to let go of the anxiety.. and not think about that interview or meeting I have to go to until I'm actually at the meeting. Even if it means that I have to continually think about it but let it go over and over. It has taken some practice and I still have to work at it but now I just do my best to not think about things much anymore. It's helped it a lot of ways.

[mat422]

If there's more things to clear out then maybe you should keep running the sub!

Sounds like you are having a good time, Mat. I have the same issue. Depending on how critical I think the situation can be to my well being and happiness is how strong my anxiety can be. So what I do now is do my best to let go of the anxiety.. and not think about that interview or meeting I have to go to until I'm actually at the meeting. Even if it means that I have to continually think about it but let it go over and over. It has taken some practice and I still have to work at it but now I just do my best to not think about things much anymore. It's helped it a lot of ways.

I was working at doing a similar thing for a while. I guess somewhere along the way I slacked off and stopped practicing. I think my biggest problem was I got too obsessive about what letting go meant. So I started having anxiety over doing it right haha. I think I have a fair bit of OCD when it comes to some stuff and I get stuck in these repetitive thoughts.

Having said that I'm going to become much more vigilant with watching my thoughts and re-framing them. I think that was where I went wrong in my practice, I focused on letting go of the emotion so much that I neglected to deal with the thoughts behind that emotion.

And I realized that I slacked off because I just felt it was unfair. I just wanted to be normal like everyone else and not have to deal with these irrational thoughts and emotions. I've accepted that my life isn't that easy for me currently and I may have to work a bit harder than the average person, but I'm not going to let that get me down. If anything it makes me a stronger person. I know if I just keep moving forward it's inevitable that I get better.

[RainbowAbyss]

Matt the teeth clenching issue could be more physical than mental..then it becomes mental..I used to have it and it can come from not enough water and/or lack of magnesium

[mat422]

Matt the teeth clenching issue could be more physical than mental..then it becomes mental..I used to have it and it can come from not enough water and/or lack of magnesium

Interesting I'll look into that. I'm not sure if I've had it for a while and I'm just noticing it now, or if it just started up.

[mat422]

Ok so an update. I'm feeling better. I had one of those downward swings and now I feel like I'm back up and my future isn't looking so doom and gloom. Once again I've realized to take what the sub gives me and stop expecting certain things. I'm no expert on subliminals, but I know for certain that one thing isn't going to tackle all my problems. I kind of see it like a mass of things inside my head that I need to separate and deal with accordingly.

So what I've learned these past few days. I believe the biggest negativity I've removed has to do with my own perception of myself. For a large part of my life I dealt with social anxiety and this led me to feeling like I was a failure or less of a person. I've managed to understand that it isn't my fault, but I do have to take responsibility for it. And I am taking responsibility, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's unfortunate that I do have issues in my life, but it doesn't make me any less of a person. This alone has raised my self-esteem dramatically and made me realize how much negativity I held against myself.

Also my negativity towards others is gone as well. Which I think was more projecting my own problems out into the world. I've learned to ignore or not waste my mental energy on those individuals that are less mature. Whereas before I felt threatened, now I understand it wasn't me, but their own negativity or lack of regard for others. No matter how great a person you are there will always be someone there to judge you, criticize you, or behave negatively towards you. It's just learning and internalizing that their opinions don't matter and you shouldn't take them to heart.

But like I said, so far this sub hasn't tackled everything and I don't expect it to. I feel it has done its job in removing negativity about myself so far. But my anxiety around others is another issue that I have to deal with. So far I see an abundance of my insecurities and problems with myself were directly related to my social anxiety and how it stunted my growth as a person. So I believe that that is a job for another sub, possibly alpha 5.0 when I get the money. But in the meantime after I finish up this sub I might try out absolute self confidence.

One more thing. With the removal of negativity I've felt aspects of alpha have actually resurfaced again. It's like I did change, but then I covered it up with mud in the form of negative beliefs. Now I'm removing that mud and my previously improved state is returning. Most notably my ability to stand by my opinions and do what I feel is right. Especially when there is so much talk out there how subliminals don't really change a person at the core or are a band aid solution. Those that don't believe in the subconscious mind or subliminals, well that's their loss. I'm willing to explore my options and use that works. I find that we all take different paths, but eventually end up at the same destination.

[Shannon]

Admirable growth, Mat. You're doing well.

To me, it is odd how powerful subliminals are (mine, at least) and how hard it can be to see the results at the same time. Or maybe, make the connection between the changes and the subliminals. I think this has a lot to do with people simply not being very self aware, or aware at all these days. Pajama people indeed.

Also keep in mind that there is a lot of mental laziness these days in the form of "It takes effort, so I don't want to learn about it", and that results in ignorance while being fully confident in one's supposed knowledge of a subject. There's a lot of ignorance concerning subliminals out there right now because this is an area that is genuinely demanding to understand.

Finally, realize that there is a lot of fear concerning these things also. Change is scary for a lot of people, and it's easier to stay the same and delude oneself by allowing fear to dictate what one believes, instead of actually facing that fear and discovering the truth. Those who are so negative and quick to attack are hiding from the truth that scares them in a lot of cases.

Letting go of what "they" think, and the negativity "they" bring to the table, and thinking for and acting for yourself is a big step up and a big step towards health. I know you can see the improvements you're making, but I would say you probably don't see it all. I see it from the point of view of having been there. You're following in my footsteps, Mat, and I can assure you that if you continue, there are wonderful and amazing good things ahead for you. I am a completely different person than I was when I started this journey, and it's only getting better and better as I continue to grow.

[mat422]

Admirable growth, Mat. You're doing well.

To me, it is odd how powerful subliminals are (mine, at least) and how hard it can be to see the results at the same time. Or maybe, make the connection between the changes and the subliminals. I think this has a lot to do with people simply not being very self aware, or aware at all these days. Pajama people indeed.

Also keep in mind that there is a lot of mental laziness these days in the form of "It takes effort, so I don't want to learn about it", and that results in ignorance while being fully confident in one's supposed knowledge of a subject. There's a lot of ignorance concerning subliminals out there right now because this is an area that is genuinely demanding to understand.

Finally, realize that there is a lot of fear concerning these things also. Change is scary for a lot of people, and it's easier to stay the same and delude oneself by allowing fear to dictate what one believes, instead of actually facing that fear and discovering the truth. Those who are so negative and quick to attack are hiding from the truth that scares them in a lot of cases.

Letting go of what "they" think, and the negativity "they" bring to the table, and thinking for and acting for yourself is a big step up and a big step towards health. I know you can see the improvements you're making, but I would say you probably don't see it all. I see it from the point of view of having been there. You're following in my footsteps, Mat, and I can assure you that if you continue, there are wonderful and amazing good things ahead for you. I am a completely different person than I was when I started this journey, and it's only getting better and better as I continue to grow.

Believe me Shannon I know haha. When I first embarked on my journey with subliminals I had so many negative thoughts about it. I felt like I was cheating, that I was being inauthentic, that it was the wrong way to go about things, and that I should seek inner change through something healthier like meditation because subliminals are "unnatural". Looking back I definitely feared change and I was just making up excuses. The ironic thing was I was very unhappy with the way things were and yet given the option to change I'd run away from it haha.

I have to say it's been liberating letting go of what others think and just doing my own thing. There's so much pressure out there with the mentality of "This is how it's always been done, don't question it".

I'm definitely not getting the big picture yet, but I'm enjoying my progress. Sometimes it is hard to see the improvements in myself. To hear it from you Shannon makes me feel really good. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I feel like I'm gaining more momentum. At first things were very rough and I had to keep pushing and pushing. But lately I feel like something clicked and things are falling into place easier.

I think my biggest progress is my ability to accept that I can change. When I first started out I wished for change, but I had my doubts. Not because of subliminals, but in my own lack of faith. Now I'm seeing how easily my own perspective on things can change and what a tremendous impact it has on reality.

I have to say my only fear is slipping up and losing everything. But even that fear is fading away because I realize that I don't have to go back to those old negative ways. I can still hear that little voice in my head that is telling me that what I'm feeling is wrong. But I've been able to quiet it more and more. I know it sounds ridiculous, but on the days where I'm content with life I think being happy for no reason is wrong. I think it's because I haven't completely internalized this new mindset yet and I've still got the old one trying to gain control again.

[mat422]

Having a down day. Just one of those days you know, maybe a bit of a down week. But I got a taste of things to come and I'm glad that I was able to be there for a couple of days. I'm just trying my best not to suppress my emotions and thoughts. Stuffing them down only works temporarily, after a few days I start to get agitated and it takes a lot of energy out of me. So I'm looking to be somewhere in the middle. Letting whatever comes up be and resolve itself, and at the same time not thinking negatively and making things worse.

On days like this I wish I could just snap out of it, but there's really nothing else I can do but try to make the best of my day. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself or not doing anything is only going to make it worse. Just have to take it one day at a time.

On a positive note, I've started working out again. It's been a while since I've done that, so I'm still pretty sore. I'm pretty physically active when I skateboard, but I just figured getting stronger and working out my whole body is something I want. Plus I think working out will help boost my mood a bit.

[mat422]

I know I've definitely said it before, but I've got a wall. Some days this wall is down and I'm ok with people. Some days this wall is all built up around me. When it's down I can feel free to express myself and bad things don't affect me. But when it's up, I have to temporarily bring it down sometimes. And if something bothers me it's like a sharp stab and I pull myself back inwards and put that wall back up. I can't walk around with a mask on my entire life.

I'm writing this down now, but I know there are going to be days where I'm not even aware of putting up that wall. That's the hardest part, I feel like it is somewhat of a subconscious habit. I've noticed the more I hide myself the worse I usually feel. Everyone's advice is always be yourself, this hasn't been something that has come easy to me. It's not that I pretend to be someone I'm not, it's just that I cover myself up and hide away. I just have to try to acknowledge when it happens and consciously address it.

[mat422]

Ugh, after that post I've had some thoughts and quite honestly I'm so confused. I swear I've got a split personality, my ideas and whole perspective on things tend to shift. I thought I had walls up, so here I am trying to consciously bring down those walls .

This just further emphasizes the need for subliminals. Subconscious behaviors are just so ingrained and habits form. Yeah I put walls up at times, I've yet to get down to why but I am getting better. At first when I had that realization everything seemed so obvious. I had that initial euphoria of "yeah this all makes sense! I just have to do x y and z and I'll be all good!". Well while I'm not opposed to being overly friendly, I am opposed of it as a way to protect myself.

I just feel like some realizations work for a day, but then I realize it was more of a bandaid solution and I still wasn't being myself. Whether that's being too cold or just too friendly to avoid rejection, I'm still not being myself. Quite honestly that's where I want to be. Not have to think about this stuff and just be myself. I dug a hole for myself for so many years hiding myself through bad habits.

But I will say that realization did teach me something about mindset and how I've been ashamed of being more mature, particularly with women. I hate how some guys are dicks to women, and when you treat a woman fairly, not even sucking up to her, you are labeled a wuss who isn't a manly man. But you gotta wonder why most those guys put down women in the first place and I'm pretty sure I know why. They fear them, in their eyes they still see women as higher up than them. So they do stupid stuff to bring them down.

Of course it goes both ways. Women are unnecessarily cruel to some guys as well. A woman treating a guy poorly just because he's a guy, well that sucks just as much as a guy treating a woman poorly because she's a woman. But I'm just noticing how neurotic and paranoid both sexes get about the opposite sex. In the end it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where both sexes treat each other wrongly.

[mat422]

I've been doing my best to try to just be myself. I've been more conscious of when I start comparing myself to others. Most of the time it's just me trying to fit in to the world. I've felt like an alien at times. I'm growing out my hair again because I'm tired of just conforming to the standards of what's acceptable in society. I realized most the time I cut my hair was just so I could get more attention from girls or that I needed to appear more masculine. If I put so much effort into how other's perceive me, I'm not being myself. If I'm going to have shorter hair, it's gonna be for me not anyone else.

I've noticed that this sub still gives me strong feelings when I'm exposed to it. Some days I wake up feeling like a million bucks. Other days I wake up in a haze and rather sluggish. I feel like I'm making progress, a bit. I really don't know how much negativity I really have internalized. It's possible that my consistent anxiety and lack of confidence in general might be attributed to the accumulation of more negativity.

Anyway this sub is a bit tricky to pinpoint. Change for me tends to be subtle. I was going to run this sub for about 3 months and I'm on month 2. I've noticed that outside circumstances or hard times don't make me turn towards myself in hatred anymore. Instead when things get tough I recognize that yeah it's hard, but it doesn't make me less of a person. I guess it has done it's job, I no longer have negativity towards myself or put myself down as much. I guess I still have a little problem with self esteem, but that's mostly because of my social anxiety. Growing up things were really difficult and there is no doubt in my mind I formed a very poor image of myself in my early years.

[Spiral]

I would think that self love and asc would work wonders for you.

Edit: I have a feeling...

[mat422]

I would think that self love and asc would work wonders for you.

Edit: I have a feeling...

I'm definitely going to try asc once I'm done with this sub. I find that most of my negativity stems from being stuck in fear and having trouble pushing beyond it. So I feel bad for having the fear and feel even worse if I have trouble overcoming it.