Darwin’s Journal

[Darwinn]

No doubt - lesson learned.

[Darwinn]

A few people have commented on how my voice has changed now - wierd, maybe my vocal chords are healing. Dreams wise both I and the girlfriend are having very long and intricate dreams about the end of the world. I'm switching to using masked ultrasonic and just keeping my headphones on for four hours during the day. It's a little tougher as there's a little more effort but tis worth it.

[Darwinn]

So i decided to try a cigarette again after having stopped whilst on LTU - and it hit me like the first time I'd ever had one, tongue feeling all crappy and fuzzy, weird head rush, generally revolting.

Stomach keeps gurgling - I've had stomach issues for a long time so wondering if something is working on this.

Right knee still twinges - no noticeable effect, but feeling more recovered after Friday and Saturday deep crash. Sticking religiously to the rules now.

Emotionally still stable, feeling a lot of gratitude generally, and an increasing desire to put my life to good use in a world that needs a good deal of work done (this just a general comment and not really necessarily MHS related)

[Darwinn]

Whole body feels filled with heat, didn't mention this before but it's happened a couple of times, and now directly during use. Either that's some strange thing the sub is doing or I have issues.

[RTBoss]

Whole body feels filled with heat, didn't mention this before but it's happened a couple of times, and now directly during use. Either that's some strange thing the sub is doing or I have issues.

Energy flooding at work.

[Shannon]

Smoking a cigarette is direct intake of toxins. It's directly contradictory to what MHS is trying to accomplish. Please don't.

[Darwinn]

Woke up today having had a deep sleep with dreams of weird ailments. For example my teeth have had a weird tingling sensation and last night I had a dream where I looked in the mirror and they were revolting - like weird mutant black teeth and multiple teeth coming out of my gums in one place.

My focus is way off, and I must say I feel like I'm having a bit of an LTU withdrawal and missing having a deep well of self validation/automatic negativity cancellation to draw on when things don't go so great. facing up to issues around focus and energy again, though energy is much more stable and strong, mentally I'm still lazy and avoid discomfort. I'm engaging in self destructive behaviours which are impeding me and my progress. I can sense myself resisting change - there is another world and person on the other side of integrating these new beliefs around healing and it feels like I'm unwilling on some level to just let go of this old person.

[Darwinn]

Feeling moody and irritable and weird compulsion to get my fat ass to the gym. I'm actually a little miserable and disgusted with the level at which I'm playing health wise. I don't support myself at fricken all. Discontent is needed in order to change these shitty habits. I've tried being positive and going the 'doing things because I value myself' route and it only works to a certain point, ultimately an undesirable state of living is negative by definition and I think the key is to channel that negativity well.

Perhaps its MHS pushing me to do things conducive to health and be averse to whatever is health damaging. I'm not having sugar anymore and get annoyed at myself for even having sweetners.

I'm a little unsure about what is better, 5 loops of ultrasonic over night or 4 hours masked hybrid. am back to the former as it's easier to maintain , and the general mental awakeness is back. But also there is a kind of ungroundedness which is there when my ADD gets a little more acute. I'm back to meditating and morning yoga. I'll probably take some time off work this month just to focus on gym, eating healthy and studying.

[Darwinn]

That unfortunate moment when you realise you don't want success or health because you fundamentally don't believe you deserve it. Sadly this is very apparent at the moment to me - I'm hoping it doesn't last and just continuing will smash this belief out of the way.

[Shannon]

MHS should be helpful with that over time.

[Darwinn]

Is there something in this Shannon which makes you aware of why you're resisting if you are? I seem to have a stronger sense of what's happening in my mind than ever before.

In updates things were benign for a couple of days, just that general sense of well being interspersed with short periods of feeling depressed. Yesterday and today though have serious headaches and feeling super tired - I'm happy about this! I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and headachey and my reaction was 'whoop, go MHS! Smack that resistance up).

Strooong sense of self and purpose is arising - I realise now that though I may be very much spiritually inclined, I can't be in conflict with my very real desire for material abundance, I feel like I almost have to get being rich out of the way so I can move on and not care so much about it. Firmly decided now that once I've done MHS and a period on MLS5.5 if and when it comes out, I will settle in for the long haul with BAMM.

[Shannon]

Is there something in this Shannon which makes you aware of why you're resisting if you are? I seem to have a stronger sense of what's happening in my mind than ever before.

In updates things were benign for a couple of days, just that general sense of well being interspersed with short periods of feeling depressed. Yesterday and today though have serious headaches and feeling super tired - I'm happy about this! I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and headachey and my reaction was 'whoop, go MHS! Smack that resistance up).

Strooong sense of self and purpose is arising - I realise now that though I may be very much spiritually inclined, I can't be in conflict with my very real desire for material abundance, I feel like I almost have to get being rich out of the way so I can move on and not care so much about it. Firmly decided now that once I've done MHS and a period on MLS5.5 if and when it comes out, I will settle in for the long haul with BAMM.

MHS has more conscious awareness of the reasons for resisting, yes.

[THolt]

Is there something in this Shannon which makes you aware of why you're resisting if you are? I seem to have a stronger sense of what's happening in my mind than ever before.

In updates things were benign for a couple of days, just that general sense of well being interspersed with short periods of feeling depressed. Yesterday and today though have serious headaches and feeling super tired - I'm happy about this! I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and headachey and my reaction was 'whoop, go MHS! Smack that resistance up).

Strooong sense of self and purpose is arising - I realise now that though I may be very much spiritually inclined, I can't be in conflict with my very real desire for material abundance, I feel like I almost have to get being rich out of the way so I can move on and not care so much about it. Firmly decided now that once I've done MHS and a period on MLS5.5 if and when it comes out, I will settle in for the long haul with BAMM.

That's a good decision to choose BAMM that way when the 6G variation comes out, you'll get it as a free upgrade.

[Darwinn]

Damn tired and almost back to my previous days of super ADD. I link this clearly to not sleeping enough whilst on this program (6-7 hours a night) and not exercising. I will have to guard my fitness and sleep. I'm walking around with this inner heat which feels amazing - like a bath of loving energy. Unfortunately my brain is on standby and I'm struggling to piece together thoughts and communicate properly which is in stark contrast to how things were on LTU.

I'm getting pissed off with people telling me what to do - reacting obstinately and maliciously when they do, I infer from this (as above so below) my attitude is similar to this powerful sub which I'm taking as telling me what to choose to do - this isn't a good thing, it is what it is and I'll work on releasing this obstinacy if I can.

The other night for example my friend told me I need to fix up some of my habits and I was inconsiderate - I purposely ended up not doing what she wanted me to not do on some things and did other things with a lot of irrational bitterness which I am still trying to release. Responding to authority, or surrendering to instruction for me almost feels like death and a confirmation of 'I am a nobody'.

It's good to at least be aware of this. What to do about it now is the question...