DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

Late night ramble. You ever feel like you're not doing enough, but at the same time feel like you can't do anymore? That's how I'm feeling lately. For most of my life I've had trouble with a lot of things. And those troubles followed me into adulthood. And now I'm trying my best to get everything in line and straight and to take responsibility. It just feels like I want to make this giant leap and do a major overhaul of my life, but I just don't know where to begin.

It's like for most of my life I've bargained. Oh I don't need much, I'm fine with this, that won't really make me happy, etc. But the reality is it's just fear. I want to change, I don't want to live in this really confined limited way anymore. I've been trying to be more social and join Meetup groups, but it feels like I just don't have the follow through for it. It's tricky because my fear has morphed into apathy. If something bores me or doesn't interest me I won't do it. It becomes this "I should do that" vs "I want to do that".

I got a performance review for work today too. My boss told me he's incredibly impressed with my performance, what I've taken on, and how much of an asset I've become. Yet it all felt so hollow. It just feels like anyone can do this stuff, there are guys out there way better than me, and that I'm not really facing incredibly challenging stuff and truly testing my capabilities. I guess what I'm saying is, I rarely feel accomplished in what I do because of the simple fact I'm aware of how much I don't know. That and I've faced a lot of self sabotage along the way when confronting problems that are outside of my comfort zone. I feel like I've based so much of my self worth on my competence, that when I make mistakes or struggle with something it can trigger anxiety in me. This is because I don't separate the task from myself. I feel like I could do and be so much more if I was able to no longer have my self worth feel threatened when coming across potentially unknown issues or something new to learn.

I'm willing to bet this is why I have a hard time executing dmsi as well. I see it as a pass or fail type of thing tied up in my worth. When you place too much importance on something like that you lose the ability to be relaxed and calm about the outcome. Because suddenly it needs to be successful so you don't feel bad about maybe not getting it right. Too much riding on it, too much pressure. Obviously not enough fun and lightheartedness. Goes for anything in life. It's the difference between "hey let's see how far I can get with this and what I can learn" vs "I need to do this right and be successful. I can't make a mistake or fail."

[mat422]

Just remembered an odd dream I had. I went back to the elementary school I went to as a kid, but for a degree. The chairs were too tiny and the desks were cramped. I was in a class with other people my age. Before the class gets started the teacher reminds us we need to wear a shirt and tie, shave our beards if we have any, be presentable at all times. Of course I was having none of that shit. I was like, lady I'm too old for these stupid ass authority rules. Challenged her on the nonsense. Then she used it as an example that I was the only one in the class willing to fight for what I believed in and to challenge the status quo. Everyone else either waited as a bystander or was content to go along with authority. Like I said, weird.

Anyway, I've been feeling less weighed down by needing to get things perfect. Getting more of a exploration type of mentality where I kind of just see where things go without needing a guarantee. Woke up and decided to message three girls on okcupid because they caught my eye. But while I did it I made sure I wasn't taking it seriously, overthinking it, or trying to get them to like me. It was more like, who knows how this'll turn out so I might as well go for it anyway. Lately it's just the little things like this that make me feel good. Being able to explore the world without have some agenda or a driving "need" behind it that comes from a place of insecurity.

Along with that I've been overthinking this whole attraction thing. I've realized I like a certain type of woman and I'd do better just trusting my gut feeling on stuff like attraction. I mean that's what sexual attraction is, it's a very primal instinctual response. You don't really get to choose what you're attracted to so there's no point in feeling bad when it's not there. Along with that I'd be willing to bet lack of experience makes my depth of knowledge on all of it very shallow. There's probably stuff more experienced people pick up on that's completely invisible to me, but you only really get that with immersing yourself in all of it. Otherwise most of it is just speculation based on a handful for beliefs.

[mat422]

One more post. It's pretty amazing how much DMSI can shift my state out of hopelessness. I drank some coffee this morning, which looking back was a resistance tactic. Of course my mind was like, what's one cup gonna do? Well I got really depressed. Like a confused, I really don't know what the hell to do depressed. When the caffeine finally wore off I found myself encouraging myself to stand back up and keep going for what I want in life. It's too easy to give up on things, to settle, to bargain. But every success story in life has those defining moments where the urge to give up is strong and moving past those is what lets you break free. The hard part is facing those fears because it's like every part of me seems to think it's a bad idea.

And right now I'm not in the clear, I'm still facing a lot of turbulence and fighting for what I want, and sometimes I catch myself asking why it's so hard? But it's like swimming through a sea of self doubt and fear and knowing that there's an end to it somewhere. The important thing is to not stop, otherwise I'll stay in those fears.

[Infinite]

edited

[mat422]

Have you tried switching to decaf? How about hot chocolate or a drink you warm up like milk, almond milk? That way you can still enjoy the comfort of a warm drink without the effects of the caffeine.

I've tried decaf but it's just not as good unfortunately. I've actually been drinking a lot of herbal teas lately. Mint and rooibos tea. It's just every once in a while I get this urge for the effects of caffeine. And it always seems to coincide with when I'm working on moving past something or facing something I'm afraid of. I fall for it every time.

[Infinite]

edited

[mat422]

I love peppermint tea. Makes me feel so awake on the inside. I gave up on coffee a while ago. The caffeine gave me anxiety, and I felt like I was walking around disconnected. I had a cup of regular coffee a few weeks ago, and my happiness left. I felt so down. Is it recommended to avoid caffeinated products including soda while playing all the subs or just some like dmsi?

I just finished the last of my peppermint tea and now I'm craving some lol. Same here with anxiety and coffee. It's why I don't really drink it. The worst though is the crash from it for me, seems to effect me for 2 or 3 days. Caffeine though should be avoided for any sub that uses state shifting. As of right now I'm not sure how many use state shifting, but I know DMSI does.

[mat422]

Gonna be cycling back and forth with a and b from now on. Something happened yesterday that made me really realize how misunderstood my own resistance was and how much I wasn't giving myself enough support. There's definitely still some kind of unknown trauma that is outside my conscious awareness. Adult me is ready to move forward, but I guess child me is still stuck in the past. The more I got angry at the resistance tactics, the more it was just me beating up a part of myself that was just scared or hurt. I don't think anything bad happened in my childhood. I just think my sensitive nature made it really difficult for me to cope and I was affected more from my environment.

So tomorrow night I'm hopping back to A. We'll see what happens.

[mat422]

Been thinking about going back to therapy or at least trying it again. I've been trying to "stop being afraid" for a lot of my life. It hasn't worked out so well. And the nature of me always being hard on myself didn't give me the chance to realize that what I struggle with isn't really the norm. I mean it always felt like it was normal and that other people face these challenges too but overcome them and I just didn't. But I look back on my life and there are consistent patterns of dysfunction that I'm 90% certain aren't a common thing among most people.

I'm mature enough now to realize that I don't have all the answers. No matter how insightful I can be at times I understand I hide things from myself. And there's only so much you can do on your own before you realize that outside perspective might be needed.

I should have done this a while ago. But it's only recently that I've felt ok with the idea of going back. Prior to this the idea of opening up to a complete stranger scared me so much that I didn't even consider it. For me at this point in my life I feel like maybe I just need someone to validate what I've been through and help me work through it all. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm at the point where I can do it for myself. I think that's probably been my biggest sticking point through the years, I'm not able to maintain that non-judgemental compassionate space in my own head.

[mat422]

So I think I'm going to take some time off DMSI or switch back to A.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the idea of resistance. How to overcome it, move past it, etc. These past few days I've had some really emotionally heavy stuff come up. It's gonna get really cryptic so stay with me.

Basically I've been seeking improvement in myself for years now. But instead of being a dynamic and wholly integrated human being, I'm very fragmented. I did a lot of introspection these past few days and I came to the conclusion that I've taken on certain coping mechanisms that served me as a child, but don't serve me anymore as an adult. Unfortunately that's how I grew up, that's what my mind knows and is familiar with. So what happened was I was and still am improving, but it was almost like improving a small piece of myself while others lagged behind. This was the surface issue. The real issue is this disconnected and fractured sort of state inside of myself. I kind of operate out of this mistaken belief that if I can make this one part of myself good enough all those other parts would disappear. Along with that comes the validation I get from having others see this improved self, but hiding the other parts. Basically think of it like a house. I've been cleaning and focusing on this one room and wasn't even aware there were other rooms in the house.

The confusing thing for me is after coming to these conclusions and looking up the symptoms, it all points towards some kind of trauma in life. I was never beaten, neglected, or verbally abused by my parents. I never had any particularly traumatic experiences as a child, I don't think. I honestly can't remember most of my childhood. Yet here I am. It could be all in my head or made up, sure anything is possible. But I've had a long history of repression, dissociating, and dysfunctional behavior. I mean if anything I haven't been 100% completely honest with what I've struggled with in life. I think part of that is when you feel like there's no good reason for why you've been dysfunctional compared to other people who have been through severely traumatic situations, it makes you think it's not as big of a deal and you try to brush it off. And I think that also has to do with the stigma around mental health and men, and all that bullshit I internalized.

So yeah. I might be going to E2 or just stay on A for a while. I'm leaning towards E2 because even though DMSI has healing in it, it's focused solely towards that goal of sex. And what I sort of uncovered these past few days has A LOT more than just being afraid of women.

Thoughts always welcome. If you think it's another resistance tactic or something. But honestly if I switch I'd rather not be burdened with the idea that I "failed". That's part of the reason why I've kept on with DMSI, to prove something to myself I guess. But at this point in my life I'm more concerned about my overall well being and mental health than being really sexually attractive to women. That being said, if I wanted to switch to E2, would I have to wait 35 days?

[Shannon]

If you think E2 is a better choice right now, then it is probably a good idea to do a 35 day wait. However, I am in need of some data on how the transition is when you don't wait between programs, so either way would help me, but the wait might be more helpful for you.

[mat422]

If you think E2 is a better choice right now, then it is probably a good idea to do a 35 day wait. However, I am in need of some data on how the transition is when you don't wait between programs, so either way would help me, but the wait might be more helpful for you.

Out of curiosity do you think there would be much turbulence between the two? Seeing as how part of E2 is in version A of dmsi. Or does it have more to do with the scripting vs the content?

I also just wanted to say you've done a great job on DMSI Shannon and for the amount of time I ran it I've noticed a lot of growth. It's given me the courage to go deeper and really get to the bottom of things which is why I would like to focus exclusively on healing and focusing in on myself.

[mat422]

Yeah so I decided to go for a 35 day break. I may or may not go to E2 depending on what unfolds over the coming days. I'll keep updating this journal to see if my mood declines or gets better. It's actually been a while since my mind has been off subs completely.

Part of me still wants attention from women, but it's coming from a very strong validation seeking place. I need to find that validation for myself.

[mat422]

Felt like a journaling a bit. I was at work today and realized I have this anxiety throughout the day. It's tied towards my capabilities in this job. It always feels like I don't really know anything and I'm just lucking out on everything. Taking on big projects gets me really anxious too. I've been more conscious of these reactions I'm having lately. Prior to this they kind of flew under the radar. I really was not feeling good today and I've realized this job has been causing me anxiety. But the solution isn't leaving the job. It's how I respond to everything. Anywhere I go it'll be the same thing, the problem lies inside of myself and not external factors.

Overall I've been more observant of how I feel about my life. I remain hopeful and I'm going to keep working towards stuff, but I also recognize I tried to stuff down a lot of stuff that needed attention. In a way I might have been trying to escape that by distracting myself with DMSI and trying to get attention from women.