DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

I find myself wondering if I'm aiming for a relationship with dmsi or to experience an abundance of sex with women. It feels like when I first started my journey my primary motivation was to prove I could, compensate for all the years I felt unattractive, or gain self worth from sleeping with hot women. Now that's fading and I find myself gravitating towards the idea of just experiencing it because how can you make an informed decision on something if you've never experienced it?

It does feel like resistance a bit. Telling myself all I really want is a relationship. But why the hell would I be running DMSI in the first place if that's all I wanted? There's definitely a curiosity there, a desire to experience a different kind of reality. At this point I want to see that reality manifest because I've been too complacent with my own life and the limits I've placed on myself. The "oh that's not really me so I won't try to achieve it" tactic. I've taken so many limitations and identified them as a part of my personality in the past, right now what I really want to do is see who I really am. In order to do that I have to let go of these things and stop being so withdrawn from the world.

Side note I went grocery shopping today and I had a few people stare at me. I think it's the celebrity effect, which I haven't noticed until now. But it's sort of a gaze that says "who is this person?" To be honest not entirely comfortable with it, especially given my past history of social anxiety where a lot of my thoughts when people stared at me were linked to negative dialogue about how I was weird, awkward, too quiet, ugly, etc. In general I don't think I'm all that comfortable with being high value, which is probably something I need to work on. I come from the mentality that everyone is equal and we shouldn't idolize anyone or put anyone on a pedestal. When people show me more attention or interest or show validation seeking behavior I kind of just don't want them to think that I'm better than them. In general I don't like that whole "exchange of power" principle when it comes to social interactions. I'd rather we all just be chill and have a good time and just feel good about each other. Maybe that's just fear blocking me again with excuses. But you know I've got a whole bag of tricks from my subconscious.

Also downloaded tinder again. Matched with a girl, shot her a message because in all honesty I really don't see girls messaging first on tinder. Plus I liked her so I didn't want the opportunity to slip by. She hasn't gotten back to me, but fuck it. If she never does I'm cool with it. I've been messaging tons of girls on okcupid too and not getting a response. I honestly don't expect to most the time. I consider myself reasonably attractive, but it's not like I'm in the 1%. Not really looking for advice because I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I'm literally just trying to start a conversation, but it probably just gets buried in the sea of other messages. My style isn't to learn witty lines and ways to keep a girl entertained, fuck that. I'm just going to be real and myself and that's it. Right now it's not like I'm desperate, I'm kind of just throwing myself out there to see what happens.

[mat422]

Definitely still fear in me of losing my self. I had a moment yesterday where I felt like DMSI was changing who I was. That I'd just become someone I didn't even recognize. But not in a good way. For a long time I wanted to erase my old self because I hated it so much, so much anger directed at myself. But lately as DMSI digs deeper, I find myself feeling like it's important to be myself 100%. It's just about distinguishing between the limiting beliefs vs who I am. One thing that has come about with all this is understanding how truly awful I've been to myself. I mean no wonder a part of me feared all this change, I was trying to erase it out of existence because I was so ashamed of it and saw it as disposable. That's not healthy in any way. So I think there were some motivations there to move forward that weren't entirely coming from a compassionate place.

[mat422]

Reporting on reactions to DMSI in myself. So last night I was relaxed in bed but not really going to sleep. I did a progressive muscle relaxation exercise to get rid of the tension for the day. I could relax every part of my body except my stomach. It felt like the more relaxed I got, the more dmsi started to effect me and as a consequence the more tense I got.. But throughout the whole thing there was this strong feeling in my stomach. A combination of of a tightness and burning. As I went deeper into it I noticed my body getting really warm. And the while that was happening I got a message back from the girl on tinder.

It feels like there's still a very deep level of me that's resisting and the only way I can touch it is while listening to the sub. It seems like throughout the day the influence just isn't strong enough and my energy is taken up by my job. When I relax at home it feels "safer" to execute so that might be another loophole.

[mat422]

Been really getting into reality transurfing. It's weird, every page I pick up to read it coincides with something I've been struggling with or attempting to overcome. For example women. The author states when you try to be the best or beat others in some way you generate excess potential. What happens is with DMSI I find myself trying to be "better" somehow. But what I should really do is just enjoy myself and acknowledge this isn't a competition and there are plenty of beautiful women for every guy. By having the mentality of being the most attractive in the room or excessively comparing myself to others I get the exact opposite of what I hoped for. Now this is most likely based in insecurities, but it most definitely results in outward manifestation.

So all that being said it's very important to have your motivations in the right place. Motivation to execute DMSI for yourself to improve yourself and enjoy life is good. Motivation based on comparson and "beating" other guys is bad. If you hold that mentality you engage in a race which is stressful and more than likely someone will be better than you in what you're trying to accomplish.

Bottom line is if you're a perfectionist, like me, you have habits that build up huge excess potential and basically invite events into your life that are undesired.

[mat422]

Quick post before work. Basically I've been stressing about dmsi. But then I realized this shouldn't be stressful. Having sex with beautiful women shouldn't be stressful. My whole frame of reference for everything in life is upside down. Not just women, but it's always been with others too. Instead of genuinely enjoying myself most socializing seems like a chore or pushing me past comfort zones. I'm all for pushing comfort zones but it gets to a point where I think to myself, when is this going to be fun for me? Overall I'm just sick of feeling like I have to push and push with almost no reward except knowing I did the thing I feared. But pushing past fear is overrated if it just stays there in the background.

[mat422]

Man, I've been on a major mindset overhaul these past few days. I'm just refusing to follow my old limiting thought patterns. The ones where I compare myself to others, worry about being good enough, being overly judgemental of others. Basically avoiding this whole tier mentality of where people stack up. I know that's messed up, but I'm a messed up person. There's always been an ugliness in how I've perceived others because I couldn't show myself compassion. Nitpicking flaws, thinking of how they should improve, thinking of how they should be more ashamed with some of the stuff they deal with, etc. I was always thinking "I've put so much work into myself, why don't people like me? Other people suck, are needy, awkward, but they have close relationships. Surely I'm good enough to have that too?" But so much ego or insecurities existed within me. I'd elevate my self worth by highlighting how much I've improved or how committed I was to growth. But I'd always do it in comparison with others. As if I was somehow better because I've engaged in more introspection and self work.

Underneath my positive exterior was a festering self hatred for myself that I'd project to others. But since I didn't want to be an awful person I'd try extra hard to be positive. But it was a losing battle because I never went to the source.

With 100 percent certainty I can confidently state I'm not done healing. There's just too much judgemental/perfectionist demands on myself and others that shouldn't even be there. This might be an exaggeration but I honestly think this mentality has kept me from deep relationships with anyone. To have deep relationships you have to love the person and see them as a whole despite the flaws. But I'd just obsess on the negatives and be incapable of seeing them as human. I legitimately feel as if I had to be perfect in every way to be loved and any flaws were unacceptable so I just had to isolate myself until I was good enough for others.

[Shannon]

Here's a tip. Choose to have fun. The rest will come.

[mat422]

Here's a tip. Choose to have fun. The rest will come.

Choice is actually something I've been feeling I'm capable of lately so I'll definitely focus on that.

[mat422]

Chatting with a new girl on tinder. She's a singer and she's also into electronic music. Even knew what an mpc was so I was impressed lol. Trying to keep it fun with no expectations of what happens. It feels better that way, just letting stuff unfold without any pressure. In general though I hate text conversations, feels like it's hard to reach that flow state. Gonna see if she wants to go hiking one of these days and I'll get to know her better.

Not gonna lie I still have that fear that she'll get tired of me and cut me off. I've had it happen in the past a lot and I accept full responsibility for it. Mostly because I'm always too far in my head trying to figure out the right stuff to say instead of just being in the moment. But it's definitely a big step for me. A couple months ago I would match with someone then wait for them to message me because I was too afraid. But I'd make the excuse that dmsi should be doing everything and never get a chance with them. But I messaged this girl just to see what would happen and because I felt it would be an enjoyable experience. So I'm definitely focusing more on just having some fun and not taking it all so serious.

[mat422]

Today I realized how badly I screw up the state shifting of DMSI. I've noticed in response to being pushed to do things my immediate reaction is to relax and attempt to reduce stress. But this is a very passive state, one where I'm in control and I don't allow anything else. I'm learning to let go and go with DMSI. For a while I thought the passive relaxed state was ok because it was the anxiety relief module. But then I realized, hey I'm not achieving design goals therefore this can't possibly be part of dmsi.

The subs are a lot like hypnosis which I've been reading about. All hypnosis is self hypnosis and I've had experiences in the past with hypnosis where it didn't work because I wasn't going with it. But like Shannon always says, just follow the instructions. I've been deliberately avoiding following them up until now. Lately it feels like even though I'm not 100 percent on board yet, I find myself more easily able to just do it. I don't get trapped by the fear, more specifically the numerous tactics my mind tries to derail me with.

[Shannon]

What instructions are you not following?

[mat422]

What instructions are you not following?

The main ones really. Being sexually attractive to women and actually projecting the aura. I've found myself holding back from doing those two things.

[mat422]

I'm not even going to speculate on the inner workings of dmsi anymore. Too much analyzing, too much wanting to know and it's all based in fear and needing to be in control at all times. Well the sub is running pretty much 24/7 so I should just stop worrying about it and go about my life. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own thoughts and I can't stand it anymore. All the endless goddamn thinking, I'm convinced it's just a fear based response to DMSI so I won't allow that anymore. It doesn't ever go anywhere, it's just like a hamster on a wheel with this deceptive idea that I'm digging towards a solution when it's really just my mind spewing nonsense. It's like sleight of hand for my mind, distracting me with all this useless info so I don't keep moving forward.

[Zane]

I'm not even going to speculate on the inner workings of dmsi anymore. Too much analyzing, too much wanting to know and it's all based in fear and needing to be in control at all times. Well the sub is running pretty much 24/7 so I should just stop worrying about it and go about my life. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own thoughts and I can't stand it anymore. All the endless goddamn thinking, I'm convinced it's just a fear based response to DMSI so I won't allow that anymore. It doesn't ever go anywhere, it's just like a hamster on a wheel with this deceptive idea that I'm digging towards a solution when it's really just my mind spewing nonsense. It's like sleight of hand for my mind, distracting me with all this useless info so I don't keep moving forward.

I have decided to do something similar. Letting me go of conscious observation is needed.. Life isn't a laboratory where u have to keep watching everything