DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

Hmm looking back on these past few weeks with less than 7 loops I now see the depression I was experiencing was not part of healing, but rather resistance. After running 7 loops for a couple of days now I'm feeling closer to moving forward with my life instead of pulling away and hiding out of fear.

Last night as I was listening I felt this strong sensation that I deserve more out of life for myself. That's always been hard for me to genuinely feel. It always felt like I wasn't allowed to or that I had to settle with what I was given. Just kind of reaffirming in my head that I don't have to live my life like everyone else around me and it's ok to aim for the impossible.

I'm thinking that I'm still dealing with some self worth issues. Not feeling good enough to have a happy life and such and in general get more out of life. It's been like a cap on getting what I really want in life. As long as it's there I find some way to keep myself away from living an abundant life. But it's definitely being chipped away at, I can feel it like a solid ball of energy slowly dissolving.

[mat422]

Definitely some reevaluating needs to happen with how I approach things in life. DMSI is definitely having a ripple effect where it corrects other areas of my life as well. So basically I was working on another track last night and I found myself being discontent with what I created. I found myself telling myself that I needed to be more accepting of whatever music I make, but then I realized that was a copout. I've started finishing more songs, but it's been within the bounds of my comfort zone. Sticking to what I know for certain. That's a recipe for artistic death. Sure if I stick to what I know I can make a song, but that shouldn't be the goal. I shouldn't rush to the finished stage just so I can have the immediate gratification of having finished something.

It made me really think of my life in general. I have such a small pool of knowledge and experience and I rely on it way too much. But I do that because of fear. I like knowing that I have certainty in something, it makes me feel safe. The problem is it becomes a crutch and it's severely limiting. It also has me pull from predominantly negative experiences from the past which colors my perception of things. I never had a really positively reinforced life growing up. I hit my head against a lot of perceived failure and shortcomings. I can tell DMSI is pushing me to expand this pool and I feel like I just have to take a leap of faith and trust in it. Because where I'm at now is very stagnant, running the same old routines and mindsets solely because I know the outcome.

[mat422]

Dammit, I fell for it again. I think too much about executing and the result is I don't execute because I overthink. And when I overthink it gives my subconscious enough wiggle room to sort of suggest what execution feels like. So basically I've been fighting dmsi the whole the day under the mistaken belief that I was "pushing forward". But the pushing forward was actually exerting control to not execute the script. I'm so burned out with these tactics. I just need to stop focusing so much inwardly. That seems to be the one tactic that still gets me, the obsessive analyzing of what DMSI is doing. It's like a compulsion or need, but I know it's fueled by fear. I just don't know how to stop it. For now I just have to be more mindful of what my mind is doing and not fall into the traps. Easier said than done.

[mat422]

Had to take a break from cleaning because it really hit me what I've been doing wrong with my life. I keep wanting to close my eyes and have everything go away. Just constantly hiding. Sweeping it all under the rug. But doing that bites you in the ass two fold. One, you don't get to where you want to be and two those things pile up and what was once a minor issue is now a major problem. And once it's a major problem that causes even more stress which further pushes me into avoidance mode.

I was like this with exercise too. I never pushed my limits. It was always stress = bad. If I had stress I needed to back off or I was afraid I'd hurt myself. Same thing with this self growth. I NEED to push myself. That feeling of being afraid of hurting myself or going too far is the boundary I need to cross if I ever hope to change.

I keep having this expectation that DMSI is supposed to be smooth and if I encounter turbulence I'm doing something wrong. Which manifests as me mentally retreating and not executing. So I decided last night that I need to keep pushing, even if if it makes me feel stressed out or tired. It would be great if I didn't have to try so hard, but I just know every time I go into "stress relieving mode" it's not addressing the root cause and it's only treating the symptoms of a much larger problem. Mainly my mindset that needs a major overhaul. The problem has always been, even before subs, that I perceive this detached calm state as beneficial to my mental health. When really it's an addiction and I'm no different than a drug user that goes back for a fix when stress gets high in life. Complete with excuses or rationalizations for why it's good for me. What's crazy is I've talked with my Mom about this exact thing, the same dysfunctional pattern of this mentally checking out thing.

I've done a lot of obsessive analyzing about the "correct" way to execute this program and I've realized it's that exact mentality that keeps me from executing. I need to just fucking do it instead of trying to plan out perfectly and waiting until I feel ready.

I'm not gonna lie, when I see other people on the forum have success it bums me out. And it's not just DMSI. This has been my whole life. I just want to scream "WHY???!!" Why the fuck is it this way? Why do I have to try so damn hard all the time? But you know I spent years trying to figure out a way to circumvent all of it and it just led to me in a pit of despair. I just have to bite down and handle what life gave to me. This isn't even about girls, this is about life. I honestly feel the energy I have expended and put into myself over the years is in no way proportional to my own personal success. It's almost like anxiety and depression were these separate entities that fed on my energy day in day out and I was left with 10% to put towards what I actually wanted to achieve in life.

Sometimes I honestly forget that other people NEVER dealt with any of this stuff. So I see successful musicians or people in general following their dreams and I forget sometimes that they never had to conquer this mountain that I've been given. I always thought I was just weak, that everyone dealt with stuff and overcame it better than me. But I honestly think I was given this challenge and overcoming it is part of my path in life. Hence why trying to circumvent it did not work. I think it's part of the "rules" as crazy as that sounds. The more I've lived my life, the more I see that there are aspects I see that others don't. Things I've dealt with that don't even occur in other people's realities.

If I'm talking out of my ass someone feel free to stop me. I constantly have no point of reference or understanding for how hard my life has been as far as mental stuff goes. I just remember a few years back I didn't want to live, so it must have been bad for me.

[mat422]

I needed that rant to clear all that bs out of my head. It's just fear, always has been. And I've been exerting a lot of conscious control to get my subconscious on board, but I see now this is the wrong way. The path is clear now, I have to solely work on removing fear from my mind. Not facing fear, not pushing past fear, eliminating fear. Making fear a nonexistent part of my reality. By trying to "beat" fear, or face every challenge in my life from the beginning position of fear, I further reinforce that reality. I reinforce a reality where I struggle. My last post where I ask why it's so difficult in my life? The answer is simple, because I frame everything from that perspective. I expect everything to be difficult and for myself to struggle. I have to break out of that box.

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

If you're afraid and all you focus on is how to beat fear by constantly focusing on fear you create more fear. It's time I left this life story of constantly fighting to overcome something and just accept a reality where I live in my desired way. No more "wounded hero on a journey" life story. I'll tell you guys right now, that journey never ends. It's a nonstop loop, your mind will always try to figure out ways to perpetuate the journey to healing to fulfill the narrative.

I no longer see DMSI as this separate tool forcing me to do something. I see it as a decision from my own mind, an agreement to move ahead in life. I made the choice, I'm making the changes, everything I experience is my own personal power. I'm just using a powerful tool to tap into it more easily.

[Shannon]

I think you'll appreciate what I have been working on to eliminate fear then.

[mat422]

Can't wait Shannon. Every advancement you make with these subliminals always amazes me.

[mat422]

Ok, so I might have jumped the gun a bit. I'm still feeling good, but I realized that healing is still important. True if you focus on fear you create more fear. But that doesn't mean if you simply ignore it and pretend it isn't there it will go away. Possibly an escape tactic, my subconscious convincing me that we're "done". When really there's still more that needs to be addressed. This is like someone cheating in a game and saying "look at me, I won!". My subconscious raises the flag that it's time to move on when really it's premature and there is much more to be done. It'll be like, "ok you're still anxious around women, but it's close enough and I think we're done here". Nope, I'm not stopping until these limitations are completely gone. If there's even a hint of anxiety or fear left within me, I know there's still more to be done and there's still an even better reality to live.

There's still most definitely a deep subconscious fear within me. But I'm guiding myself to acknowledge it and clear it. I can feel how throughout the day it wavers in and out between avoidance and pushing forward. Lately the gaps have been getting smaller and the subconscious fears have been closer to consciousness. I feel them as something that can be solved or overcome vs this terrifying thing that I'd constantly hide from.

[mat422]

On the topic of control. I think I try to control my emotions too much. The energy of them at least. My response to them is absolutely something I can control, but the emotions themselves exist like strong ocean waves within me and trying to stand up and push them back is an exercise in futility.

I think at some point I confused the emotions themselves vs my reaction to them. So in an effort to move forward with my life I just shut it down completely. What I really should have done is accept how I feel and learn from it/improve it. But I pretty much threw the baby out with the bathwater. No wonder I've felt empty for these past few years, I literally denied myself permission to feel my emotions fully.

[mat422]

Alright here we go, hitting some turbulence again. But this time I won't run away. It feels like I'm hitting the deeper stuff now. Definitely self worth issues. The other night as I was listening I found myself feeling like I was just a fake and I had convinced myself that I was a capable person when really I wasn't. I'm not buying into it, I know it's remnants of subconscious beliefs. But when I thought about it more I saw how hard I've been having to keep my mind positive and essentially battle these negative beliefs about myself. Keeping these more insecure thoughts tightly packed away because I wanted to so desperately believe I was past them. But in order to grow I have to fully acknowledge everything. That means digging to the bottom of the emotional well until I address every limiting belief about myself.

[mat422]

I've been trying to trust in my subconscious and let it steer more and maybe that's what's been throwing me off. Yesterday I was lying down and relaxing and wanted to work on music. But I found myself thinking, maybe I should heal more and focus on DMSI? But that's when I noticed a separation between what I wanted to do and what my subconscious wanted. My subconscious wanted to lay in bed and "heal" aka procrastinate. My conscious mind wanted to finish writing a track I was working on. It became clear to me that I have to consciously intervene if I want to progress. My subconscious definitely isn't in alignment yet and until it is I can't rely on it to make the right decisions for me. However it's also important not to think of it as a battle. It's a calm redirection. Definitely still learning that as a skill so I'm not actively battling myself.

[mat422]

Perfectionism crept up on me again. Started to realize I've been waiting until I "fix" everything before I involve myself with women. My obsessive need to get myself as close to perfect as possible is to avoid rejection and to guarantee a certain outcome. Which is dumb because in life you can't ever guarantee an outcome. And there's no such thing as perfect, so what my mind is going for is a trap.

Basically I'm really fed up with feeling like I have to get to a certain point before I'm good enough for women. I'd rather just be a little rough around the edges and not give a shit anymore. I have this tendency to micro manage my emotions. Today I sort of just let go and stopped trying to control everything and I found myself with a combination of rage and sadness. Not aimed at anything, but it was just there.

I've spent a large portion of my life trying to get my mindset right. I'm starting to wonder if all those habits I've built up were just elaborate coping mechanism to deal with the fact that deep down I felt like my feelings about anything didn't matter. And also as a way to get approval from people. When I was depressed and struggling I never really felt like I could talk about it, so I just tried my best to appear the way I thought others would want to see me.

Letting go has been the hardest thing for me because I'm so used to being in control all the time and only allowing myself to feel what is considered "acceptable". In this moment I just feel like a mess of a person and for the longest time on DMSI I was avoiding that because I wanted to skip right over it. But I'll take the messiness if it means peace of mind in the future. Just have to keep going.

[mat422]

I gotta say that the positive thinking addition to DMSI was much needed for me. I realized today that every second of the day I have a chance to improve my life just by watching my thoughts and removing the negative and reinforcing the positive. It's not easy, but when I let things run on autopilot I realize just how much negative chatter I have. Half the time those feelings of worthlesness I'm trying to heal from are really just me telling myself I'm worthless. And at this point in my life there's no reason for that. If I'm reinforcing all my thinking throughout the day it might as well be targeted towards the positive.

Along with that I realized what life is really about. Life is about getting what you want and being grateful you have the opportunity to do so. For a long time I felt I was above stuff like "material possessions". But you know what? I'm driving a nice car right now, I have a pretty good paycheck, and I'm no longer struggling financially at this point in my life. Things have been given to me and I'm grateful for that. But I'm open to more. I won't limit myself and put a cap on what I can get out of life.

For a while I felt like I needed a reason to make my life whatever I wanted it to be. Now I see that you don't need a reason, you just need to accept it and allow it. That's the power of the mind. No wrestling around with excuses and fear, just knowing what you want and aligning your mind to it. I'll be honest I haven't seen results from DMSI with women that shakes up my reality. But right now my goal is to rip apart old mindsets and see how far I can bend reality for myself.

[mat422]

I'm reading Reality Transurfing again and this quote pretty much described exactly what I'm going through right now.

Although this may all sound incredibly simple many people do in fact use up a colossal amount of energy battling against themselves, trying to hide their shortcomings. They are like titans committing themselves to a lifetime of carrying a heavy load. All they have to do is lay down the heavy burden, be themselves, and then life would become noticeably easier and simpler. Energy could then be transferred from battling with imperfection to developing more worthy qualities and the quality of this new energy would correspond to life lines where positive characteristics outweigh weaknesses. Think about it. How can you shift to a life line where your body is in good shape if all your thoughts centre on your physical shortcomings? You end up getting what you decisively do not want.

Running DMSI has just been so odd because part of me feels confident and another part still has those feelings of not good enough. A lot of the times in the past I'd take that not good enough sign as an indication that the positive side was a delusions or wishful thinking. But now I see that they both exist simultaneously within me, neither one more of the truth than the other.

There's this almost instinctual urge not to think about that more hurting side. I found myself telling myself not to focus on it. But when I let go and stop trying to control what direction I go in I notice DMSI pulls me directly to the heart of those feelings. So I know I'm not supposed to be ignoring them or trying to overpower them with positivity.

At the same time these feelings are only a minor part of me, not the whole picture. Stuff that holds me back and needs to be addressed, but at the same time doesn't define me as a whole. With that awareness I can relax more and let this unfold. Trying obsessively to get myself to execute and switch over in a short span of time seems to be very demanding on this part. By focusing too hard on trying to make DMSI work for me, I ironically push it away. I notice the most results when I'm in a flow like state, letting things be, doing what I can, but not overly obsessing about getting everything right. All of it will come in time, I can feel it. Like anything in life it takes dedicated focus and it's more of a marathon than a sprint. What I have right now is consistency and I'll take that over stop and go any day. It might not be huge major changes every day, but it's better than hitting the brakes every time I encounter fear.

Having said that I'm 27 and I feel like for most of my life I didn't get to enjoy it. It was always a battle or struggle for me, finding happiness where I could. But overall it felt like I wasn't experiencing everything life had to offer. Then adulthood hit, which I wasn't prepared for. And everyone around me was telling me this is what being an adult was. Working at a job, budgeting your time, saving for retirement, etc. It's like when people become adults they think life automatically has to go into this predefined box of misery that everyone is a part of. Nope, not me. I've lost too many years of not enjoying life, I won't buy into the narrative that being a kid is the most freedom in your life. Fuck it, I deserve to have an awesome happy life now to make up for my lost time in the past. That's what I'm aiming for. The irony of people who talk about "being an adult" is they have a very narrow viewpoint of what life is and refuse to see outside of it which shows a lack of maturity or insight into the world which seems very un-adult. You'd think as you get older you would question things more, not get crammed further into a box that dictates your life. Sadly it seems that's the most common theme among people and bitter people want to drag you down to their level as well.

[/quote]