DMSI 3.2 it's official

[findingme]

Those are healthy, healing words you speak Mat. Instead of blaming others or even yourself mercilessly, you are taking responsibility for you and your actions. That takes gonads!

Thank you for being so honest in your journal. I'll be starting DMSI-A soon, and your writings challenge my "norm" of hiding in self-lies and self pity, an old "go-to" place for me

Again, thanks for being real. It takes guts to face your pain-producing actions and thinking and be willing to change them. DMSI's tools may be helping that :-)

"It's a form of control to believe you don't have control." Are you writing my journal? I know I've hid there MANY a time!

[findingme]

Truth be told I have trouble accepting love from anyone. I hear the words and their actions towards me but I feel numb to it. It doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like I've done anything to deserve it. It feels a bit like looking up at the sky and trying to convince yourself it's green. And yeah it ***** hurts living like that. Life just becomes this journey where you're doing your best to stay ahead just enough to be sort of happy, but feeling like you have a giant gaping hole missing in yourself. I think I've been attempting to fill that hole with this obsession with being super successful and being someone important or famous or whatever. But it gets to the point like now where it hits me that these things aren't going to make me any happier. I have to create my own goals and dreams that I want for myself, not fill some void in me. And I think to do that I still have a lot of healing to do.

Thank you for admitting that first. I noticed this truth in myself yesterday. I had woken up from sleeping, having run E2 all night, and this stayed with me: whether in business or relationships....I was afraid to let people close to me.

You're not alone.

I bought a very easy, profitable business system 2 months back, and I make my last payment this week. I've only used it all of 2 hours, right after I bought it. I took it on since......all I have to do is DO it. However, my idea of safety and success has revolved around keeping people AWAY. Keeping them out. And business, to me, is a very relational endeavor. People buy from people, not from systems. I'll have to put myself out there and risk getting hurt to accomplish anything, truthfully. The small part in me wants to feel safe, not ignored, and I know this. The story is still being written, and I plan on using DMSI to break up and heal some stone-hard beliefs about living life. For presently, I'm surviving with basics I have in place, waiting on opportunities. DMSI is one of those opportunities, and I'm taking it. Life is too short for me to live in regret.

I am grateful you share and admit your truths so readily. As a fellow INFP, an Idealist, I value that.

[mat422]

Those are healthy, healing words you speak Mat. Instead of blaming others or even yourself mercilessly, you are taking responsibility for you and your actions. That takes gonads!

Thank you for being so honest in your journal. I'll be starting DMSI-A soon, and your writings challenge my "norm" of hiding in self-lies and self pity, an old "go-to" place for me

Again, thanks for being real. It takes guts to face your pain-producing actions and thinking and be willing to change them. DMSI's tools may be helping that :-)

"It's a form of control to believe you don't have control." Are you writing my journal? I know I've hid there MANY a time!

Thanks. One of my core values is having authenticity. I try to be as real as possible with everyone.

I think certain personality types are definitely predisposed to coping mechanisms. So I always find it a good thing when people who struggle share similarities. It means they can all collectively help each other figure out through their own life experiences.

By any chance do you know your enneagram type? I'm a 9, and those are notorious for hiding from problems instead of facing them head on. They'd rather maintain a sort of psuedo-harmony and convince themselves they are at peace.

Truth be told I have trouble accepting love from anyone. I hear the words and their actions towards me but I feel numb to it. It doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like I've done anything to deserve it. It feels a bit like looking up at the sky and trying to convince yourself it's green. And yeah it ***** hurts living like that. Life just becomes this journey where you're doing your best to stay ahead just enough to be sort of happy, but feeling like you have a giant gaping hole missing in yourself. I think I've been attempting to fill that hole with this obsession with being super successful and being someone important or famous or whatever. But it gets to the point like now where it hits me that these things aren't going to make me any happier. I have to create my own goals and dreams that I want for myself, not fill some void in me. And I think to do that I still have a lot of healing to do.

Thank you for admitting that first. I noticed this truth in myself yesterday. I had woken up from sleeping, having run E2 all night, and this stayed with me: whether in business or relationships....I was afraid to let people close to me.

You're not alone.

I bought a very easy, profitable business system 2 months back, and I make my last payment this week. I've only used it all of 2 hours, right after I bought it. I took it on since......all I have to do is DO it. However, my idea of safety and success has revolved around keeping people AWAY. Keeping them out. And business, to me, is a very relational endeavor. People buy from people, not from systems. I'll have to put myself out there and risk getting hurt to accomplish anything, truthfully. The small part in me wants to feel safe, not ignored, and I know this. The story is still being written, and I plan on using DMSI to break up and heal some stone-hard beliefs about living life. For presently, I'm surviving with basics I have in place, waiting on opportunities. DMSI is one of those opportunities, and I'm taking it. Life is too short for me to live in regret.

I am grateful you share and admit your truths so readily. As a fellow INFP, an Idealist, I value that.

You'll definitely see a lot of growth from DMSI-A. Personally speaking this ones been a tough one to crack. Every part of me screams to avoid people and to not let anyone in. But I know for the sake of my own mental health and just enjoyment of life in general I have to share myself with the world. It sounds like you're on a similar path and I hope you find what you seek. This is definitely one of those things that can be isolating when you're surrounded by people who can't even relate to it, so it's good to know I'm not alone.

[mat422]

Gonna get into some stuff here. But before I do I was reading reality transurfing again and this quote really made me think about my whole approach with dmsi and healing.

People think that obstacles can be overcome by action but in actual fact they ultimately experience whatever their dominant thoughts are. So if you choose to battle against the obstacles on your path you will experience an abundance of obstacles. If you are absorbed by thoughts about your own problems you will find that there are always problems in your life. Even if you take action to change the situation on your current life line on the material level it will not change the original script in the alternatives space. All you can effectively do is choose a different script. By trying to change parts of the script you do not like you inevitably get caught up thinking about what you do not like. Your thoughts are then successfully realised and you end up getting what you do not want.

I was lying in bed this morning and decided to meditate a bit. I went inside myself and encountered that old familiar feeling of fear. Now I'm of the opinion that we can change our focus and be more positive and direct our thoughts. BUT, if we don't solve underlying issues they can be like the anchor that holds us back. Some people believe if you focus too much on issues you manifest more of them. Yes and no. As the above quote depicts.

I do think if you go into healing there is a possibility of getting too tied up to the story attached to it. I was guilty of this. I'd feel unlovable or unworthy and instead of recognizing that as something to move on from I'd focus too much on it. It would merge with my identity. Instead of feeling unworthy or unlovable I became unworthy and unlovable. But it makes sense if we go with the sub-selves idea of the mind. Each moment in life we have all formed some level of identity as it pertains to our environment. The important thing is being able to acknowledge those deeply held emotions, but no longer identify with them.

So the letting go process. I wanted it to be nice and clean and easy. But that was an expectation. And that very expectations prevented me from unlocking the more deeply held emotions within me. But in a way I guess some part of me wanted to protect myself from these painful feelings.

[LionKing]

The book also talks about there being issues only if we assign too much importance to something. I didn't think it was that great at first, but that's been a solid advice for me at least with respect to work stress. I've seen that you're making great progress, but it seems likely that you also might place a lot of importance on this healing process, or on the generally success that it'd enable. Good luck man!

[mat422]

The book also talks about there being issues only if we assign too much importance to something. I didn't think it was that great at first, but that's been a solid advice for me at least with respect to work stress. I've seen that you're making great progress, but it seems likely that you also might place a lot of importance on this healing process, or on the generally success that it'd enable. Good luck man!

Yes that's definitely something I've thought about and I do believe that I've made the healing process more difficult by placing an excessive amount of importance on it. That's what I believe causes the neverending healing loop for me. I'm still learning to be less controlling and obsessed with how I'm executing dmsi.

[mat422]

Man, DMSI really brings out my obsessive neurotic side. I'm getting some more insight into why I'm resisting so much and the whole process isn't as smooth.

It seems like I get the instructions from my subconscious and then my conscious mind wants to dissect each and every piece of information. Almost like I'm afraid and need to get it on a conscious level in order to trust it? But the issue is I imagine this is a ton of information being delivered to my subconscious mind and my conscious mind is stumbling over itself trying to grasp at the sheer quantity of all of it. All the while saying "wait wait, hold on before we go any further I have to make sure this is ok". It's like having a bottleneck instead of a streamlined process. The fear I've been feeling hasn't been me working towards my fears, but rather a reaction from my conscious mind.

And man I've gone back and forth with this so much. Thinking it was healing, then thinking it was resistance, then thinking it was my subconscious resisting. The solution seems to be to stop paying so much attention internally and delegate the intensive work to my subconscious and just do what I can consciously to improve my life. If anything I feel like this is a sign I'm getting closer to my goals. It seems like whenever I'm near a breakthrough my mind goes haywire and goes on this overly obsessive thinking. As if thinking will somehow get me out of what DMSI is pushing me towards. I notice I usually fall for it when I'm idle or take time out of the day to just rest a bit. Usually when I'm busy and my conscious mind is distracted I notice I'm no longer facing that internal fight.

I don't know if any of that is useful for your research Shannon. The amount of times I've fallen for these elaborate well constructed derailments is a lot. Usually it follows a pattern of moving forward a bit and then something happens or my mind starts giving me all these reason why I need to rethink what I'm doing. The big one is me questioning "Do I really want this? Will this make me happy?" Which is stupid because I know it will to some degree, it doesn't make sense to throw away all the goals based on some incredibly vague speculation that's fueled by fear more than anything. It's gotten to the point where I feel my judgement is off about a lot of things and I legitimately cannot trust my mind at this point with anything.

[Zane]

Bro, that same thing happens to me. Whenever I am on verge of breakthrough..Its like my mind becomes nuts and tries to convince that to change or stop sub...But then I remind myself that stopping sub isnt gonna solve anything but only playing it..

I remember how much resistance I faced ever since I started my Sub journey last year and how much anxiety and fear made me wanted to quit the sub..I went through so much resistance just playing OF-5G.

These thought that you have, I also have them too..but I am not able to put into words like u do..

The thing you said about becoming judgmental all of sudden ..I had them too two days ago. But u will be in much better place after all this. Its all worth it.

Its like all evil is bought to the surface so that u can see it and realize/ponder over it and then overcome and grow....

[findingme]

So the letting go process. I wanted it to be nice and clean and easy. But that was an expectation. And that very expectations prevented me from unlocking the more deeply held emotions within me. But in a way I guess some part of me wanted to protect myself from these painful feelings.

Letting go. Serious stuff for me personally, even talking with my mom yesterday about childhood habits of resisting change........ I asked her to see how habitual I was at it.

And yesterday I was reminded of a conversation Shannon had with someone in his journal. A guy said he only had positive results when he was tired, and it made no sense to him. Shannon........said when he was tired he had no energy to resist. DMSI worked then.

And yesterday I was tired and a bit grumpy. You know what? With only TID I'm experiencing now, I'm seeing attraction from strangers. No kidding. And I felt it.

I get in my own way, constantly. My control clashes with DMSI's effects. Even on E2, I had tight control the first 2 months on it, knowing something just wasn't working. When I've run it these last 2 times, I've thought "f*** it", and just let it go. This is when its affects really hit me, tears coming regularly.

I just thought I'd pass this on. Even Zane has run subs, stopped for a week or two, then came back and had success.

My control holds up sub progress

[mat422]

Man what a rough day yesterday. Had a MASSIVE headache. Coincidence? The day before I happen to decide to no longer give in to the familiar resistance tactics and really push for change. I'm rewarded with a massive headache. So I'm sitting there at work trying to get my work done. I'm wavering between losing consciousness and fighting off this pounding headache. I say enough is enough and really start pushing myself consciously to execute. I get really hot, I feel incredibly panicked, and I have some serious nausea. It gets to the point where the heat turns into this cold sweat and I get really lightheaded like I'm about to pass out. Later on in the day I do throw up. But I'm convinced that's mostly due to the headache.

I know it's all fear. Today I thought about stuff like perfectionism and how I need to go easier on myself, found myself coming home and being content with watching a tv show and telling myself it's ok if I didn't get to the music. But in the back of my head I was like, this isn't right, something's wrong. My mind was using perfectionism as an excuse not to continue to work on my music.

I do struggle with perfectionism, but it's really just a fear of not being good enough at whatever I do so I avoid it. The solution to perfectionism isn't to go easier on myself, it's to just remove those fears. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, etc. that's at the root of perfectionism. It's not really about perfection at all, that would imply focus on the details. Nope it's all based around avoidance. Nobody ever got anywhere by coming up to an obstacle and avoiding tackling it head on. I frequently delude myself into believing that I need to rest or take it easy when the correct action is to push harder against the fear and not let it cause me to avoid moving forward.

That being said my perceived self worth issues, fear. Fear of accepting anything different. Of loving myself and standing out. I'm convinced my self worth issues have been healed and now what's holding me back is a refusal to move into the fear of the unknown.

And the tales that fear makes me spin in my head. Goddamn, it's like listening to a really charismatic person on the street that pickpockets your wallet. Except the wallet is your ambitions and goals. I can't tell you the amount of times I've mistaken this fear for my gut intuition or a "true desire". Listening to it and having it derail me. Such is the case with the obsessive focus on healing perceived emotional damage that might not even exist there, it's only a creation of fear to keep me in that familiarity and prevent me from moving forward.

I was listening to a podcast the other day with a music producer and he says going after what you really want and leaving security behind, we're not conditioned to do that in society. And he's so right. The world is so massive, so huge, so many opportunities. But people grow up in these little bubbles and convince themselves they know what reality is. I think your environment plays a huge role in that. My parents would always tell me I could be or do anything I wanted. But then I'd see them fight, worry over money, stressed out, drained. etc. It didn't send a very good impression to my young mind. And I think despite all their positivity towards me, I picked up on the non-verbal cues of what life was really like for them and instilled that within myself. I was a really perceptive sensitive kid, so I'm pretty sure this ties into the fear I now experience in my day to day life.

Phew, that was a lot to unload from my mind. In summary, fear makes compelling arguments. But it's important not to fall into those traps. Easier said than done though.

[findingme]

Fear DOES make compelling arguments.

Well put.

[mat422]

Feels like every post I make I try to get the right answer. That black and white thinking again. After giving it a lot of thought I realized that there probably are self worth issues, there are probably a bunch of issues I still need to overcome. The reason being that throughout my entire life I've stuffed it all down. I thought being mature and being an adult was disregarding what I felt and just powering through everything. Doing all the stuff I thought I was supposed to do to be a functional person in society. I realize now I've gotten really good at coping, but the foundation is incredibly shaky.

And adding to that, fear. So often I fought fear just so I didn't consider myself weak. It hit me today that all my attempts to improve myself were done from the mindset of "being good enough". I never really encouraged myself to move beyond my fears or be strong just for myself vs being someone that was competent.

It's all been coming to the surface lately. Every single emotion I refused to acknowledge throughout my life. I never took the time to understand and validate these feelings. I was always trying to beat them or overcome them, as if they were some separate entity or unwanted invader. But they always came from a part of myself and by saying no to them all the time I was denying a hurt part of myself.

For a long time I thought I had become great at emotional regulation. I'd be the watcher, let my thoughts and emotions pass, etc. all that stuff you read about with mindfulness. I've learned I wasn't mindful. I created a dissociated state which distanced myself from accessing how I really felt. I've been slowly coming to the realization that this is what I have to actually unlearn. That dissociating and running/denying. I guess when I was younger I was in so much pain my only coping mechanism was to just blur out everything and then I convinced myself it was somehow spiritual enlightenment to further hide the damage I felt inside. Even now with DMSI A I had moments in this journal where I convinced myself I've figured out how to bypass those "negative emotions". It seems like I'd do anything and everything to keep that wall or divide up between my conscious and subconscious. It's only now I'm starting to tear it down and the flood of repressed emotions are hitting me harder than I ever expected.

I think in western society at least we don't go deep enough. Everyone talks about being positive, but at the expense of not being real enough to get to the core of what really ails us. There's so much pressure to keep up appearances, people become blinded to how they really feel. I'm starting to think there isn't really a "being negative". Every so called negative thing has a perfectly good reason behind it and a person that might be hurting from it that needs healing. The more we label something as negative, the further it gets pushed away from conscious awareness and the less likely we'll move on from it due to things like shame. If I've learned one thing about all this healing it's that some part of you might be ready to let it go, but another might not be and it's better not to delude yourself into believing you've moved on when you haven't.

[mat422]

I want to take a second to talk about feelings. So often if something doesn't feel right I automatically assume it's somehow "wrong". This is really dangerous. Especially when it comes to executing this sub. And I have no doubt that this sort of compass or guidance system has been hijacked to get me to avoid execution. So at times like this it's important not to go with feeling and to have my conscious mind step in and really think about what I'm doing and what kind of results I'm getting.

I felt that I needed to heal more and go inward, but I was just procrastinating. I felt that simply releasing emotions, without going through pain or struggle is impossible. I felt that listening to these feelings would guide me towards success. If the subconscious primarily deals in the language of emotion, it makes sense that I should probably be extra aware of what's being brought up in my own mind and not take everything I feel at face value. This is hard as I've based my survival on following my feelings. It pretty much feels like warning lights are going off and I'm ignoring them and heading straight towards danger. Don't do this, this is a bad idea, that's what it sounds like.

[findingme]

That inner battle you described makes absolute sense to me Matt.