DMSI 3.1. B - CHANGES

[Lucius]

After 32 days of A, I decided to switch to B, and have been on it for 14 days now. Like in A, there is nothing major for me to report apart from a one negative and a few positives.

For the negative, procrastination has been all time high yet I don’t give a fuck about it. I know I should be proactive in achieving my goals but I’m laid back about everything at the moment. I bought some books on personal development and it’s taking me forever to complete a single chapter.

I was expecting a much harder experience on B but I’m getting the opposite. I do feel turbulence sometimes but it’s short lived as compared to what I felt on A. It’s almost like B has more healing than A. The explanation I have for this is that the healing from A is still running, thus causing B to be smooth. I plan to do B for 32 days before switching back to A.

The first thing I noticed on B is how easy going it made me become. After listening for a day, I contacted some friends I had not spoken to for a while. I also reactivated my regular Facebook account which had been deactivated for several months. However, I have no desire to comment on posts or blog articles. It has become hard work for me to engage in online drama with complete strangers especially. I rather lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling, or sit outside and feed pigeons.

For the past three days, I have had dreams in which I saw some family members and my childhood best friend who had all passed to the other side. They all died two years ago and I could not make it to their funerals. It was one of the toughest moments of my life. Though the pain was too much, I did not cry no matter how hard I tried. It felt like the pain was caged in my chest with no hope of it ever being released. Three nights ago I saw my childhood best friend in a dream and I was happy I could talk to him even though I knew he had died. I was so excited he had come back to meet his friends and family. We were all having a good time until someone came in and said it was wrong for him to be there with us since he was already dead. That caused him to slowly disintegrate and turn into ash. It was painful to watch and I cried my eyes out in the dream. I woke up feeling sad, but also feeling relieved as a big part of the lump of sadness in my chest had been lifted. I had an almost similar dream two nights ago and last night involving other members of my family who had passed on.

[SNIP]

[pseudonyman]

Hey Lucius,

I think that being more comfortable with your size is definitely related to the sub. I am still pretty shy in that department and have only ever shown a girl my penis when sex was imminent.

Mine is probably 4.8 or just 5 on s warm day. So I haven't been comfortable showing it unless things were definitely going ahead. Since listening to this sub I've grown comfortable enough to get some laser hair removal done downstairs. The laser operators are always beautiful young women so I think a few months ago I would not have dared. So, like you, I am definitely getting a boost to self acceptance in that regard, though I would still love to have a 7" this kind of self acceptance is a good sign of progress for me.

[CatMan]

That's some story, Lucius. It's amazing the garbage we can get stuck into our minds and how it festers and how much it guides and rules us.

I'm 7.25" and 6.1" myself. And still aggressively doing PE to increase it further as I was not born with this size at ALL. I was about 5" and 5" once upon a time. When I've hit my ideal size, I will go get laser hair removal as well in fact, pseudonyman. (Please don't ask about PE here, I don't want a derail on this important thread. I mention my size not as a humble brag, but as an indicator that I too suffer the same insecurity and the depths to which I've gone to remedy it.)

Both of your posts have shown me what I suspected. I've had inferiority/insecurity issues around my penis for awhile. Porn and a lack of real life experience, as well as jealousy and resentment over the perception of a group having a much larger penis than others has skewed my perspective. I have something that is apparently above average a tiny bit now in some circles, but I've had no experience with women to make use of it and I'm not even sure what condom is best for me. Not to mention, porn and it's PIED has ruined my erection quality and it's taking a long time to fix so I actually can have legit erections even capable of having sex. In fact, OED 5G I've considered running recently due to this issue, as if I can't get a proper erection, how can I end up having sex even if DMSI comes through for me? That's a bit OT though. Just wanted to show I have issues and insecurities too so it's more common than you think and that both of you are brave for talking about it.

Lucius, I've had issues with possible "molestation" stuff when very young, among all the other garbage I had to wade through. That no doubt coloured my view on sex, and on gays in particular as mine was an older male relative that is gay.

It takes a lot of courage to talk about these things, especially you pseudonyman. I respect both of you.

It's clear the clearing and healing is important. So important, that I think it may be best to just go back to Version A and forget about pining for stuff with girls for awhile, just heal and clear and detach more from "wanting it" at all. If I last a week on Version B, if it doesn't blow me away somehow like others have reported it can do, I will go back to Version A probably after the week is up.

Thank you both again for posting this...

[Lucius]

Oh boy! It’s been ages since I last posted. I did not keep a private journal like I used to, so I can’t remember all the changes that took place.

TL;DR. I did not get laid - but that was down to logistics. Bloom was amazing. Second DMSI run was brutal and made me run away from DMSI.

So, trying to remember some of the things which happened during my DMSI run, I would say it was good overall. I was pretty busy and rarely visited the journal. I remember reading a post which said we could decide on the number of loops to run, and I decided to run five loops. I did that for about two weeks and found that it messed up with my sleep pattern and increased my anxiety. I cut it down to three loops which I ran until the end of August.

During the three loops period, I noticed a lot of attraction and the urge to approach. However, I don’t know if this is part of approach anxiety or not, I did not approach because of the lack of the right words to say if I did. I was not afraid, I just felt like I would not be able to keep a conversation flowing. Auto-training needed here. I was approached a couple of times in a library. They were both hot ladies in their early twenties. The conversations went well, and though I thought I could guide them to sexual related stuff, I did not because I knew I would not be able to capitalise on it. I did not have a place of my own at the time and did not even want to consider going to their place (a form of resistance?)

One of the highlights was when I was travelling by coach and I had this teenager sitting in the next row rubbing her thighs vigorously. I even managed to get it on video and wanted to post it here. I chose not to after I read a post from Chaos (miss your posts, man) stating that videos could get IML into trouble. Being paranoid about child pornography shit, I later deleted the video from my phone.

Fast forward to the end of August. I stopped using DMSI on 31 August to experience the bloom for a month and then move to MLS 5.5. At least that was the plan. I experienced massive respect from men - random men waving at me from their cars, shouting greetings as they drove past, others saying Hello to me on the streets with broad smiles on their faces. Not just men - I remember an incident when I was waiting to cross the road and these MILFS waved at me from a public transport bus. I'd never experienced anything like this since I moved to the UK. I noticed I could not handle the respect. It all felt foreign to me, which brought the realisation that I’m not worthy of such respect. I hope this aspect -self-esteem- will be looked into in further versions of DMSI. (To be fair, I think a separate "DMSI preparatory sub" should be made, and DMSI stick to what DMSI is)

Still during the bloom period, there was a weird manifestation with girls in their late teens to early 20s. There were pulled towards me while ghosting me at the same time. For example, I was at the coach station once and there was this group of girls, about 5 of them, on a trip to a different destination from mine. I suddenly found myself surrounded, to the point of them almost entering my personal space. I said nothing and moved a few metres away. Within minutes I was surrounded by them again. I moved away again and the same thing happened. They all did this while not acknowledging my presence - talking and laughing loudly. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or sad when my coach arrived for boarding.

In October, not being able to purchase MLS as planned, I decided to go back to side B of DMSI. I used it for a week and had the worst social anxiety ever! I could keep eye contact but my heart was always racing when I talked to people. I stopped and switched to A but did not feel better even after two weeks. I was fine when I was alone at my place but just the anticipation of meeting others on my course would get me really, really anxious each morning. I consciously made the decision not to talk to girls because of fear and anxiety. I sadly had to admit to myself that run of DMSI was too strong for me and I “ran away”.

I have not abandoned DMSI completely. I will definitely run the next version. It took me ages to decide between ARA and UD to clear this sh*t. As money was a major factor, I settled on E2 which I had purchased already. I’ve been on it for three days now and I’m already feeling some positive changes.