DMSI 3.0.1 - The 3AM Mix

[Blacksheep]

(.....)

[RTBoss]

Very good journal, keep it up!

I think you're the first person to use side B. Interesting.

Nope, 4K was as well. He's switching back to A, though.

[Duke.Togo]

Day 14

Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sGaLNMKwjo

I'm on my last night of B, before I take a day off and switch back to A for another week. I posted a lot about my general overall experiences of being on B on several others journals. So I'll use this post to write about the other experiences from this week.

On Sunday night after I finished my loops, I couldn't sleep so I ended up taking a walk. I left my place around 1:30AM and some how I found myself a half hour later walking by another girls place I know. One of the women from my own social circle. I call her, wake her up from her sleep, and tell her I'm coming up.

I get inside her place and she asks me the usual questions that any sane person would ask when someone they know shows up at their place at 2AM. The first of course being, were you drinking and are you drunk?

Anyway, a few minutes into our conversation I pull her close to me and we end up having sex. I spend the night at her place, get a few hours of sleep, and then head back to my place in the morning to change and head to work.

Monday night I end up at one of my favorite bars downtown, had drinks with a few friends, felt pretty good. I don't really drink that often these days, and when I do, it's usually one or two beers.

A friend came with his girlfriend, and as the night progressed, I could tell that there was a connection forming between her and I. I guess my friend could sense it too. I was very careful about drawing some very hard lines and my interactions with her dictated that.

Even still, as we all left the bar, I walked ahead and I found her walking next to me. My friend walked behind us with another buddy of ours.

I didn't say anything to her the entire time we walked. I got home around 11 and was in bed by 11:30. I managed to get a full 8 hours of sleep, and yet I was still exhausted all day Tuesday.

I took Wednesday off from work for a mental health day. That gave me a chance to take care of some personal tasks and I was really caught up with that. I didn't really converse with many people. I lived in my own head for most of the day.

Last night I had a really strong dream which involved my mother. She passed away 16 years ago, and the dream last night was similar to the ones I had of her around the time she passed. I had to force myself awake because I was drowning in emotional quicksand.

That left me feeling melancholy today. It was a nice melancholy.

I've found that with Ver. 3 I allow myself to feel things more. I allow myself to feel the really good and also the really bad. I don't try to mask my emotions anymore.

I'm also really looking forward to my week of A. The feelings of B brought up a lot of emotions over the course of the week. I had resistance headaches for two days straight (Tuesday and Wednesday). Which may also be why I feel as melancholy as I do today.

Or maybe it's just the season in NYC.

[Duke.Togo]

Day 18

Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XeCp-Zd9EU

I'm back on A for the past three days. I decided to stay on A this time for two weeks, before switching back to B. I think a week on either side is too short to notice the full benefits of the subs.

Also, I don't remember who the exact poster(s) was that mentioned using Vox player, but whoever it was, thank you! I started off 2.3 using the FLAC version, but I always had issues with VLC player. With 2.4 I switched over to the MP3 version on iTunes.

Recently, as of Friday night actually, I downloaded VOX player and used the FLAC files again. The difference in how I am reacting to the sub is actually pretty staggering. The FLAC files are absolutely the way to go.

This weekend, even into today, has been kind of surreal for me. A lot of realizations have surfaced. About myself, my childhood, remnants of my past have found their way to me.

I didn't have dinner with my father last Friday due to the weather being terrible, and so we had gotten together today. We had a really frank conversation about several things, and both of us were pretty calm. Usually when I enter emotional territory with my father, it tends to get into emotionally charged conversations.

Today we talked, and my father was really forth coming with me about several of his feelings.

And I realized how different he and I are. I also realized how I hold myself back at times so that he can still relate to me some.

My father is incredibly intelligent, received dual masters in physics, and always believed in working hard.

I went to art school cuz the girls were hotter, never really bothered with academics at all, and I have a strong work ethic, but I believe more in working smart than just pursuing long hours at something.

My father is old fashioned, and he always believed that if he did for people, people should do back for him. He's got a strong moral compass.

Today he told me that he felt people have taken advantage of him his whole life. I told him it was true. But he allowed that to happen. In his efforts to be a good person, he encouraged certain behaviors. People reacted and he never corrected his actions.

I also told him he had too much anger buried inside of him at all times, and he needed to let it go. Otherwise it would always bring him down. He'd always play the victim.

I also told him that he's too afraid of the world. My father, for all of his intelligence, is extremely risk averse. And too trusting.

By the time I was done speaking to my father, I realized that even up until a few months ago, I shared similar traits to him. I've never been Risk Averse, but I have allowed people to take advantage of me. I assume that came from my own need for approval at one point.

Having such an open conversation with him over dinner, it was cathartic for me and I'm sure it was for my father as well. It allowed him to say what he was feeling for so long. It allowed me to also accept that I have to be who I am, I can't be someone just so that my father can relate to me easier.

I also tried reaching out to my childhood best friend over the past few weeks, but he never called me back. It was funny and sad at the same time. My childhood best friend was always competing with me, for one reason or another as we grew up. I knew him for almost 30 years. And over the past two months he just stopped talking to me. Looking at it now, it was for the best.

I feel like so much of the past 20 some odd years, all I've been doing is carrying unnecessary weight around. My own misplaced loyalties and faith in people.

And my greatest misplaced loyalty was to a woman that looked so much like my old girlfriend that passed away 23 years ago.

This year, pre-DMSI, she and I just stopped talking one day. I didn't understand what happened or why it happened. It just did.

Her birthday passed recently, and so I sent her an e-mail to wish her a happy birthday, and to say goodbye. I wanted my own closure I suppose. Something resolved.

I may send a similar e-mail to my friend. Writing things out has a finality to it. I hate leaving things unresolved. I always have.

I still have that lingering melancholy. It hasn't passed yet. Though, I know it will soon enough.

It seems that as I continue to say goodbye to the old me, I am saying goodbye to many of the people that were tied to it.

It's time anyway...

[eternity]

It sounded like you were talking about me in the first half of your post. My dad is much the same way, also with a double masters in physics. It was awesome reading this because I related on so many levels. What helps me is to understand that my dad did the best for me with what he had available to him, and his intentions were always pure. Even if it meant I got screwed up over time because of it. I am a clone of my dad in a lot of ways, but polar opposite in other ways. Still to this day, a simple conversation with him has the potential to become an emotionally charged debate.

I had to learn to live by asking myself these questions when talking to him:
1. Does it need to be said?
2. Does it need to be said right now?
3. Does it need to be said by me?

Most of the time the answer is no! !!

[Duke.Togo]

It sounded like you were talking about me in the first half of your post. My dad is much the same way, also with a double masters in physics. It was awesome reading this because I related on so many levels. What helps me is to understand that my dad did the best for me with what he had available to him, and his intentions were always pure. Even if it meant I got screwed up over time because of it. I am a clone of my dad in a lot of ways, but polar opposite in other ways. Still to this day, a simple conversation with him has the potential to become an emotionally charged debate.

I had to learn to live by asking myself these questions when talking to him:
1. Does it need to be said?
2. Does it need to be said right now?
3. Does it need to be said by me?

Most of the time the answer is no! !!

It was the same way with my father. I'm 40 now, and this was the first time we were able to have a conversation like this.

Just like your dad, my father tried to do the best he could for me. I always appreciated that.

Honestly, it was only after my mom died that my dad and I really learned how to get along. We both lost the most important woman in our lives. While my mom was still alive, she would be mediator to her two boys.

That being said, I go through the same process in my head, even till this day, when it comes to my dad, knowing full well I'll be in for a parental ass-kicking.

Did I mention I'm 40 now...

It doesn't get any easier for us Desi boys Eternity, just saying...

[Duke.Togo]

Day 29

Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQcQDbpDH_o

Before I get into my post, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy, Healthy, and Safe New Year! I wish everyone a successful and prosperous 2017.

2016 had many, many ups and downs for me, however, one of the highlights of this year was discovering DMSI and being a small contributing member of this community. Thank You to everyone for that.

A lot has happened over the past 11 days.

First, I am still using version A, however over the last few days I switched from the hybrid to the regular TS track. I found late last week that my hearing was becoming extremely sensitive and I was beginning to develop pains around my right ear. I switched over to the regular TS track, and after a few days, my ear and hearing felt more normal.

As a side note, the regular TS version's shielding is much more effective. I've also been much more tired in the past few days. I can only assume this is because I am using a less powerful version, hence the healing is happening slower than it would on the hybrid. But, it is still better shielded from my conscience. I don't feel as emotionally yo-yo'd as I did with the hybrid.

Speaking of A, I decided that I am going to stay exclusively with A. I have no desire or interest in switching back to B. This is the first version of DMSI where I can say that I really appreciate the healing aspects. That, and I realized that the A version has all of the same features as the B version, with a healing component added on. It's like asking what you prefer more, a half glass of water or a full glass. Which is more likely to quench your thirst?

I've also come to terms with a lot of things in my life. Over the past week I heard back from the girl I wrote about in my previous journal. She had replied to my last e-mail. I didn't read her reply, instead I just deleted it. I said what I had to say, I closed that chapter. I wasn't going to look back. That felt really good. It felt liberating. Most importantly, it felt right. That was a relationship that I should have buried a long time ago, and yet I never could. Even though I always felt it was wrong.

I couldn't, primarily because of the fact that she looked so much like my old girl. But this past week I came to terms with the fact that my old girl has been dead for 23 years now. And this girl, no matter how much she looked like her, wasn't her.

By finally finishing that off, I not only ended a toxic relationship, but I also finally let go of my past as well. Since, after some time, the two women became intertwined in my own mind.

I also realized after trying to reach out to my friend, and not hearing back from him, it wasn't worth it. That's another relationship that I knew wasn't really good for me in the long term. Holding onto something just because we grew up together as kids stopped making sense to me. Misplaced loyalties are just that, misplaced.

I've had some pretty amazing successes this past week also. The startup that I am a part of, just closed 800k in seed funding. That was a huge step forward for us.

I have also been invited to join a Board of Advisors for another company that is currently building a new management consulting practice around risk for fortune 500 companies. That's actually something fun.

I have a few other projects rearing up also, so 2017 seems to be a big year already. And a more focused year for me as well.

In terms of women, that's been interesting as well. I literally have zero interest in them these days apart from the few women that I enjoy socially. But, again, I enjoy them now simply for the social aspect.

Truth be told, I just have no interest in adding another notch in my lay chart. I've lived long enough and slept with enough women in my life, where I don't feel like I missed anything out in that area.

These days, shockingly enough, I've been thinking that before I get into something with a woman, I'd prefer it to be something steady. Not so much a girlfriend, but, maybe something in line with companionship.

Last night I had drinks with the friend who I last saw while I was still testing DMSI V1. And the last time I saw her we had a really emotionally charged night. Last night we had dinner and some wine, and we just enjoyed each others company.

She's one of the few women that I know who is an only child, much like myself, so she understands me in a way that most of the women that I had dated in the past don't. And I found that I enjoyed that about our interactions.

I'm sure at some point in the near future, she and I will become intimately involved. I have no doubt about that. It's inevitable. But, I am enjoying the journey more than the destination.

I also had gotten together with a group of friends tonight as well, to celebrate the new year preemptively, and one of the girls in our group has always been really feisty with me. She basically shit tests me all the time. In the past it would have gotten to the point where I would actually get annoyed and pissed. Today, I just went with it because I actually found it funny and I didn't care. At one point though I did ask her, in front of the group, why she loves to hate me so much.

Her answer actually really surprised me. She said she only acts that way with me because she's totally comfortable with me. She doesn't usually talk to people and is generally pretty guarded with everyone else. She then said, now you learned something about me.

I realized how much I liked her in that moment. She teases in a really goofy way, but, again, I would always take it seriously. When she said what she did in front of the entire group of us, I think everyone at the table was surprised.

And then for the rest of the night, the two of us bantered with each other. Primarily because I just let go and had a good time, and neither of us took what the other said seriously.

But, it was the fact that she felt comfortable, which made me realize how effective DMSI really is.

I think if you want a girl to let go and give you everything she has, she has to first feel comfortable around you. She has to feel safe.

It was clear that she feels safe with me. That was actually really cool.

On a final note, I don't really pay attention to IOI's or anything else these days. Truth be told, I approach DMSI with a set it and forget it attitude.

Since I have let go of any outcomes, the entire journey has just become much more fun and enjoyable.

I'm looking forward to seeing DMSI's full potential throughout 2017.

Until next year...

[Duke.Togo]

Day 43

Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCdwKhTtNNw

It's been a while since I wrote a journal entry, and I figured it was time for a quick update of what's been happening over the past two weeks.

I recently switched out to B to run for a few days, and in about another three or so days, I will probably switch back to A. This time around, switching to B has been much smoother, less of a fight with myself, and my focus and mood have been much better.

There have been times when I have felt somewhat aggressive, but it passes.

I have put on a few pounds since being on B, but I think that if I stay on B, eventually the weight would go down again. However, I probably won't be on B long enough to test that theory out.

On the women front, I've been kind of out of it in general. It's not that I've been exceptionally focused on work recently either, actually, most of my life has been pretty balanced lately.

I had a few friends over the past week confess to me that they were interested in some of the girls I knew and was potentially interested in as well recently. And I told them that they should absolutely go for it with those girls, and see what happens. Not a shred of jealousy or anything else. I want both parties to be happy, and if both parties genuinely hit it off, who am I to be upset about that.

Not much else going on with women really. I haven't been out as much, and when I have been out with friends, it's just been me and friends. Not really in prowl mode. Mostly because I usually forget that I am using DMSI, because I don't consciously think about things.

I am leaving my current employment at the end of this month, but I had two consultants working under me while I was there, that I have managed to get hired fulltime before I leave. I'm happy about that. Both guys are rock solid and have families to support, so I feel good that I'm leaving knowing that's been taken care of.

Not many resistance headaches, no major pains, no bad memories.

To sum it up, I just feel kind of chill and in the swing of things as is. And honestly, stepping into 2017, having just some casual, even-tempoed time these days is good enough for me. 2016 was a lot of swings, both up and down, and for now, this is just perfect the way it is.

I'm not sure if I'll really update this journal again, as I don't know if anything really major is going to happen that will be worth noting. I will continue to use 3.0.1 through until 3.1 comes out.

If anything out of the ordinary occurs over the next few weeks, I will definitely document, if not, I'll start posting in a 3.1 journal when that is released.

On a final note, I am really enjoying reading all of the DMSI journals and I'm glad to see so many people are seeing results from the program.

[4Kingdoms]

I had a few friends over the past week confess to me that they were interested in some of the girls I knew and was potentially interested in as well recently. And I told them that they should absolutely go for it with those girls, and see what happens. Not a shred of jealousy or anything else. I want both parties to be happy, and if both parties genuinely hit it off, who am I to be upset about that.

A show of respect; asking you for permission before they make a move.

I am leaving my current employment at the end of this month, but I had two consultants working under me while I was there, that I have managed to get hired fulltime before I leave. I'm happy about that. Both guys are rock solid and have families to support, so I feel good that I'm leaving knowing that's been taken care of.

Still thinking of others even though you are leaving. Nice!! (imo: the majority wouldn't have cared enough to help them)

[Duke.Togo]

I've been on their side as a consultant in the past. They did an amazing amount of work and it would be irresponsible of me if I didn't do something for them. Especially because I'm leaving.

As for the respect hit, I hadn't looked at it that way, but yeah, that is completely possible.

Thank You brother, for your insightful view.