Confessions of an Underachiever AM 5.0

[Leroy_Willis]

FACT: Real Men keep Journals. Not Diaries. JOURNALS.

I'm gonna start by stating my current state so as I have a Normal Reading so to speak to measure relative change against.

6"2, Male, Mixed black-white, avg face, short hair, broad shoulders and long legs.
This is me.
Im 19 and i am at medical school.
My reasons for starting AM are probably around my sense of self, I would consider myself a moderate alpha and having played in the school rugby team i was around many fine specimens. the problems arise because I feed of peoples positive energy towards me. So if i have a lot of energy and people are positive towards me then its all good.However i want to have that come from within, This centreing of ego/self-validation has been a huge theme in many journals and this excites me.

I also fear emotional intimacy like the damn plague. So I can be pretty fucking indifferent to chicks.

I often ignore girls who are attracted because i fear success

Pulling the trigger can be a problem (not used to it w/o alcohol. which i have reduced ALOT)

Goals:
-Rock steady self-confidence from within
-Refine my anger response. Instead of passive aggressively taking it then losing my shit.
-independance
-Decisive
-Motivation
-Study like a boss (exams are hard )
Of course lots of chicks. But that is not the primary aim here.
-Need a stable foundation for my future career and business plans (Hello BAMM ahha)

Aiming for Ryan gosling/Idris Elba vibe (+ Ron swansons woodworking skills)

Leroy

[Leroy_Willis]

Day 1 Stage 1

after 12 hours of expousure I feel really good, the mild depression has eased . I am suddenly more determined, I tidied my room and was active without any desire to stay in bed. Which reminds me i only slept like 6 hours and Im fine in the day. huh thats weird.

Another weird thing i noticed is the sudden deive urge to do manly things for example.
-cycle everywhere
-build a table
-Hunter gatherer instinct to go to hardware stores is calling me as I speak.

Behaviour wise i am happier and more full of energy, however there are some things that my mum does that irritate me. thats not unusual, the difference is that i immediately tell her i don't like it and why and then lose the urge to speak at all.

Confidence raised slightly as i get thoughts popping into my head telling me to go and talk to people.
And a lot more confident / relaxed when talking with strangers.

Still masturbate, except i dont lose my hard on after cumming? unintentional side effect ----> awesome

So far a good first day.

Leroy

[AlphaScorpio]

dude you sound alot like me in pretty much everything you said in those paragraphs I too have relied on other people's energy and attention to help in keeping me buzzing and happy but I'm working on developing this within through AM, awesome that you play rugby what position? judging from your dp I'd say flanker or one of the seconds ?
also struggle with intimacy with girls and even mates, most frustrating thing on the planet:L
I'll be following your progress mate best of luck.

[Leroy_Willis]

dude you sound alot like me in pretty much everything you said in those paragraphs I too have relied on other people's energy and attention to help in keeping me buzzing and happy but I'm working on developing this within through AM, awesome that you play rugby what position? judging from your dp I'd say flanker or one of the seconds ?
also struggle with intimacy with girls and even mates, most frustrating thing on the planet:L
I'll be following your progress mate best of luck.

Wow. its such a massive coincedence that our situations match up so well.
how far through AM have you gone through?

Inside centre - but good guess i was originally a second row. Do you play? and if you do i'd say winger or outside centre?

Yer as soon as i find out a girl has deep feelings for me its like a flood of adrenalin goes through my body and takes away ANY attraction. Kills everything.

I'll have a look through your journal to see what i may expect.

good luck bro

Leroy

[SargeMaximus]

FACT: Real Men keep Journals. Not Diaries. JOURNALS.

Hmm, pretty sure that's an opinion.

At any rate, welcome to the forum. What brought you here?

[Fonzy3]

Hey Leroy

Welcome to the forum! I'm also young like yourself only 21 so it's good to see what these subliminal programs will produce for us. I can definitely agree with you that finding that energy from within is something great, because it separates the special ones from everyone else that's just trying to make it in this world. After reading your journal entry it sounds like you are really excited/passionate about starting this program and those personalities tend to find more success in receiving change.

Good luck with your journey.

Thanks

Fonzy

[Leroy_Willis]

Hey Leroy

Welcome to the forum! I'm also young like yourself only 21 so it's good to see what these subliminal programs will produce for us. I can definitely agree with you that finding that energy from within is something great, because it separates the special ones from everyone else that's just trying to make it in this world. After reading your journal entry it sounds like you are really excited/passionate about starting this program and those personalities tend to find more success in receiving change.

Good luck with your journey.

Thanks

Fonzy

Yes. I've found there are people who absorb energies in life (ie me) and those who create them (ie what i want to achieve), it basically allows you more control over your environment and the people in it = success

I'm a Pisces and am very adaptable so hopefully my subconscious will embrace the change.

Leroy

PS. @Sargemaximus: all Truth is Subjective, even the definition of a FACT
And I've been aware of subliminals for years, I was just with a fake ass company. Now Im ready to make a proper commitment.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm a Pisces and am very adaptable so hopefully my subconscious will embrace the change.

Leroy

PS. @Sargemaximus: all Truth is Subjective, even the definition of a FACT
And I've been aware of subliminals for years, I was just with a fake ass company. Now Im ready to make a proper commitment.

Quite true, it's cool that you understand that. Basically, it's a fact for you, and that's cool.

As for being a Pisces, I've been told I'm one. Apparently we're complicated. Didn't know we were adaptable though, that's hopeful.

[Leroy_Willis]

I'm a Pisces and am very adaptable so hopefully my subconscious will embrace the change.

Leroy

PS. @Sargemaximus: all Truth is Subjective, even the definition of a FACT
And I've been aware of subliminals for years, I was just with a fake ass company. Now Im ready to make a proper commitment.

Quite true, it's cool that you understand that. Basically, it's a fact for you, and that's cool.

As for being a Pisces, I've been told I'm one. Apparently we're complicated. Didn't know we were adaptable though, that's hopeful.

Pisces prefer to go with the flow apparently and that's definitely true for me.
As a fellow Pisces have you had any serious resistance?

Leroy

[SargeMaximus]

Pisces prefer to go with the flow apparently and that's definitely true for me.
As a fellow Pisces have you had any serious resistance?

Leroy

Well I've had some in the beginning while sleeping. I'd wake up and I had near-uncontrollable urges to cover my ears, even though it was completely quiet. I did cover them a few times but usually I'd force myself to listen. Only once did I completely cover my ears and go back to sleep.

As for resistance during the waking hours, I'm having a lot of conflicting feelings or states lately. I suspect it is because I usually go with the flow as well but am trying to be my own person and I just notice how hard that can be.

It's like I'm in this car that's moving and everything was fine because I was sitting in it. But now that I want to go somewhere else, I'm experiencing a lot of angst, confusion, and fear.

[AlphaScorpio]

One of my best friend's is a Pisces (I'm scorpio) and he is both a great friend but also a fear of change neurotic nutcase at the same time haha we have been real good friends for a long time we can relate on so many things and on other things we completely disagree. I like Pisces, very interesting and in depth people, I had a feeling you were Pisces Sarge.

[Fonzy3]

I think it is important for an Alpha to be a creator, it's an amazing feeling to know that every moment throughout the day is making a difference for the better from your inner reality and out.

Thanks

Fonzy

[SargeMaximus]

One of my best friend's is a Pisces (I'm scorpio) and he is both a great friend but also a fear of change neurotic nutcase at the same time haha we have been real good friends for a long time we can relate on so many things and on other things we completely disagree. I like Pisces, very interesting and in depth people, I had a feeling you were Pisces Sarge.

Lol which month is scorpio? I ask because my best friend (and cousin) is the complete opposite of me and I always marvel at how we can get along so well yet be so different. Wonder if he's like you in some way.

Oh btw, what made you think I was a Pisces? And why is it that so many people seem to be into astrological signs all of a sudden? I had no idea people really took these things seriously.

I think it is important for an Alpha to be a creator, it's an amazing feeling to know that every moment throughout the day is making a difference for the better from your inner reality and out.

Thanks

Fonzy

Indeed. I have trouble with this especially. I think most people do just walk around through life letting pre-determined scripts decide where they should go and what they should do, but the mass-discontent is proof that there is more to life than that.

[Leroy_Willis]

Day 5

over the past days I've noticed periods of irritation at every little thing and I hate people, It lasts approx 8hours and comes with very low motivation.
I was expecting this from reading other peoples journals but it hasn't been as bad as I thought, all I do is go dolo (ride solo ) and everthing is fine.

Last night: Vivid dreams with incredibly complex action filled storylines. The interesting part was that recently my dreams have included pseudo nightmares of being beta/ignored or abandoned by friends. however this has switched around for example one segment of my dream was me and my 6th form year (Start of most insecurities) at a military training camp. We were all told we had to climb a wire fence and cross sand dunes with PT instructor on our back. I thought i was losing all the way through but at the end I looked up and behind me to see nobody had even cleared the fence. I think this could be metaphor for being better than i think.
It matches life events much to close to be a coincedence.

Has anyone else noticed metaphorical dreams?

Leroy

PS. was sexually harassed by a drunk MILF while doing my workout in the park ("I wanna see what you got under those short shorts" and " nice socks... get ya kit off sweetheart" gotta love england lol). Instead of getting awkward I just shouted back a "Thank you". Normally my voice would have gone up an octave, not today,, which is progress.