Burning Bridges to the past with E2

[JCasterlin]

After serious contemplation yesterday & part of today I have decided to run EPHRA 2.0 for no less than ninety days before even considering running anything else again. I would love to say fuck it & just go for six months straight but I've decided given that I do better if I commit to smaller chunks of time I'm going with ninety days for now.
Why run E2? Oh fuck I don't know. Maybe its knowing that I was raised by some very messed up people & have never really took the time to work on myself even though I have known on at least an intellectual level that it was necessary emotionally I have always fought it. When you see your mother do things that you yourself do & you know it's something that has always somehow made things unnecessarily difficult it's definitely time to address those issues.
Yesterday while I was at work my wife had asked my mother why she did something & immediately my mother became defensive & outright lied about it although there was clearly obvious evidence she had done it. Thankfully unlike her I tend to be honest almost to a fault. That said I know I can get defensive sometimes quickly & often unnecessarily. It was my wife telling me about this that cemented my decision to run E2. As much as I would love to do multiple runs of AM6 while I wait for AM7 to be released I feel that doing so before a lengthy period of running E2 would be similar to building a beautiful home onto a very active fault line.
On the plus side I probably couldn't have chosen a better time to start E2 as my mother is moving a week from today & afterwards I will have little to no contact with her

[JCasterlin]

Day 1 - I've spent a decent portion of the day relaxing & listening to E2. I've probably got several hours of listening time in although I haven't been keeping track. I'm trying not to be too concerned with the total number of hours I get in every day. I'm more focused on being consistent & dealing with resistance when it comes up. For maybe the second half of the day I've had this weird emotional disconnect feeling. It's as if something is telling me all the things I've been worried about , stressed out over , or have been fearful of are nothing but distractions that have kept me from being able to focus completely on what's important to me.

[JCasterlin]

Day 2 - Woke up feeling really good. Given the chaotic circumstances over the next week or so I'm way calmer than I expected to be. I am starting to understand that getting anxious or freaking out not only doesn't help any but also makes it difficult if not impossible to rationally resolve unexpected problems. I've also started making sure I'm drinking enough water & getting enough sleep. More later

[JCasterlin]

Day 2 Update - The more I think about it the more I understand how important it is that I chose to run E2. I have probably posted about this before but two things I have sort of semi been obsessed with over the last fifteen or so years is personal responsibility & becoming emotionally healthy. I feel a big part of personal responsibility is to do everything you can to become as mentally & emotionally healthy as possible . Given how I was raised by parents & step parents who have or do respond to any minor life inconvenience with the emotional maturity of a toddler I am not only more determined to achieve my goal but often blown away by the fact that I am who I am now that such a goal is a priority. Especially since I have at least two siblings who are intent on continuing the mental & emotional legacy of their parents. In the past I've told my wife & a few friends how I always felt like something was in the way of me becoming who I want to be. I wasn't then or now playing victim or putting my situation on someone else. Mainly because I always as still do feel it wasn't or isn't something outside of me causing the stuck feeling.

[JCasterlin]

Day 3 - Woke up feeling anxious this morning. Not entirely sure why but I'm guessing I will feel a roller coaster of emotions as E2 works through everything. I was just reading the sales page for E2 & I noticed it has the full script for PTPA in it. Very cool.

[JCasterlin]

Day 4 - Feeling a bit better today but still a little anxious. I was thinking last night how running E2 is like the most intensive therapy session ever. I was in a really strange mood a good portion of the day yesterday at work. I got in a zone where all I was doing was focusing on my job & did not care what bit what anyone around me was doing or talking about. It didn't last all day but at least half of the work day. I got a decent amount of sleep the night before & I have increased my water intake which I think has helped.

[JCasterlin]

I was just reading some things online about minimalism & the disciplined pursuit of less. It got me thinking about how for me running E2 is so much about eliminating the mental & emotional clutter. To clean out all the mental & emotional junk so I can focus on what matters most. I'm not a person who needs or wants much. I realized a few years ago how having a lot or chasing those things is a distraction from what's important. I see how not dealing with your mental & emotional clutter in so many ways makes it difficult if not impossible to rationally & in a mature way face the challenges life throws at a person. I literally see it every day at my job with how people respond to what I would consider a minor inconvenience. Someone calling a wrong number. If you lose your mind over something so small I have to wonder what kind of meltdown do you have over larger obstacles?
Actually I don't have to wonder. I've seen my mother lose her mind over the internet being slow or some program on television being preempted. How does one cope when the their mental & emotional growth stopped somewhere between being a toddler & five years old?

[Greenduck]

Hi man! Best of luck with your healing journey. I know somewhat what you are talking about, growing up with a emotionally unstable, and somewhat immature mother. I'm reading a good book about it called "difficult mothers". Could recommend it to you. Planning to read "toxic parents" afterwards, it's somewhat a "bible" in that kind of field.

[JCasterlin]

Hi man! Best of luck with your healing journey. I know somewhat what you are talking about, growing up with a emotionally unstable, and somewhat immature mother. I'm reading a good book about it called "difficult mothers". Could recommend it to you. Planning to read "toxic parents" afterwards, it's somewhat a "bible" in that kind of field.

Thanks. I will check those out. I plan on reading " Adult Children of Immature Parents". I'm going to stick with E2 for now but I do plan on running MLS at some point

[JCasterlin]

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