12-31-2013, 07:23 AM
Day 19
Preparations for New Year's Eve are ongoing as we speak. However, I'm determined to go with the sub and the Man Transformation program nevertheless.
Today marks the day that I've invited my ex for a cup of coffee. We'll see how this goes. I admit, I was terrified of writing her. I couldn't call because I was so scared of hearing her voice, I thought my voice would tremble and make a fool of myself. So I asked her on Facebook.
I cleared all of my negativity out last night. I had some anger left inside that I suppressed, but I cleared it out in writing. I wrote everything I felt she had to hear and I had to say. At first I was pissed off, but as I slowly progressed through all the details that I haven't said to her, I felt more at ease and relaxed. Then did some FasterEFT. All the interactions in my head with her are now positive.
I don't know why I felt scared. It's not like I haven't talked to her before. In retrospect, I think I should've faced my fear and called her anyway, but the fear was almost crippling. OK, now I'm exaggerating, but I never felt like this in front of a girl. I did call most of my ex's, but this is the first time I texted one on Facebook. Maybe it's because of a fear of rejection. Yeah, that's it.
The thing is that I never put her on a pedestal. Most of the time I did it my way in the relationship. Maybe it's normal to feel like this?
Anyway, I feel much better now that I've send her the invitation. I want to have the "whether she accepts it or not, I'll be just fine", but the truth is that if she accepts, I'll be super happy, no doubt. I don't know how I'd react if she refuses. I think I'd probably be sad for a day or two, but I'll recover easily, since running this sub made me forget about her almost completely...at the very least, I have been able to think just a few times a day about this without any emotion attached to her/the situation.
I did asked her once before Christmas ( two weeks ago, or something like that ), but she said that she couldn't give me an answer now and that we'll talk about it after Christmas. Again I say this, I was glad and happy it wasn't a flat-out "no".
Maybe I'm in my head a lot now, but I'm starting to bring myself up, maintain my poise and just go with it. I am able to be in the now.
The thing is, at a conscious level, if she doesn't want to see me, I know that I'll be happy with another girl, the girl of my dreams. This is not the first break-up I've been through and certainly not the worst. I visualized and dreamed about a blonde, hot and nerdy girl basically every night since I've used this sub...well almost every night, other nights I dreamed about brunettes with short hair. I don't know why, brunettes were never my thing, especially short-haired ones. But I like the idea of it, quite a lot actually. It sends a tingle in my stomach that I enjoy a lot.
Also, I'm excited about the idea of meeting new girls. I visualize myself almost every night approaching girls in bars and sometimes on the street, hitting it off and imagine myself very intimate with them ( not sex related, just me laying out my vulnerabilities in front of them ). And it's truly a great feeling. Sometimes it's better than actually getting back with my ex, so that's very nice.
Also, when I think about my ex, I feel detached emotionally, except from last night and now, and that's mostly a fear of rejection. It has nothing to do with her being the only person in the world that can make me happy, because I've realized that it should be the other way around. I shouldn't get into a relationship to make myself happy, but to make the other person happy. In order for that to happen, I should make myself happy first and foremost. And love myself just as I am now.
Relationships are not about you, it's about them, your partner.
Anyway, Happy New Year for all of you fine folks here. I wish you all a much, much better year than 2013 and may you find all that you seek.
Preparations for New Year's Eve are ongoing as we speak. However, I'm determined to go with the sub and the Man Transformation program nevertheless.
Today marks the day that I've invited my ex for a cup of coffee. We'll see how this goes. I admit, I was terrified of writing her. I couldn't call because I was so scared of hearing her voice, I thought my voice would tremble and make a fool of myself. So I asked her on Facebook.
I cleared all of my negativity out last night. I had some anger left inside that I suppressed, but I cleared it out in writing. I wrote everything I felt she had to hear and I had to say. At first I was pissed off, but as I slowly progressed through all the details that I haven't said to her, I felt more at ease and relaxed. Then did some FasterEFT. All the interactions in my head with her are now positive.
I don't know why I felt scared. It's not like I haven't talked to her before. In retrospect, I think I should've faced my fear and called her anyway, but the fear was almost crippling. OK, now I'm exaggerating, but I never felt like this in front of a girl. I did call most of my ex's, but this is the first time I texted one on Facebook. Maybe it's because of a fear of rejection. Yeah, that's it.
The thing is that I never put her on a pedestal. Most of the time I did it my way in the relationship. Maybe it's normal to feel like this?
Anyway, I feel much better now that I've send her the invitation. I want to have the "whether she accepts it or not, I'll be just fine", but the truth is that if she accepts, I'll be super happy, no doubt. I don't know how I'd react if she refuses. I think I'd probably be sad for a day or two, but I'll recover easily, since running this sub made me forget about her almost completely...at the very least, I have been able to think just a few times a day about this without any emotion attached to her/the situation.
I did asked her once before Christmas ( two weeks ago, or something like that ), but she said that she couldn't give me an answer now and that we'll talk about it after Christmas. Again I say this, I was glad and happy it wasn't a flat-out "no".
Maybe I'm in my head a lot now, but I'm starting to bring myself up, maintain my poise and just go with it. I am able to be in the now.
The thing is, at a conscious level, if she doesn't want to see me, I know that I'll be happy with another girl, the girl of my dreams. This is not the first break-up I've been through and certainly not the worst. I visualized and dreamed about a blonde, hot and nerdy girl basically every night since I've used this sub...well almost every night, other nights I dreamed about brunettes with short hair. I don't know why, brunettes were never my thing, especially short-haired ones. But I like the idea of it, quite a lot actually. It sends a tingle in my stomach that I enjoy a lot.
Also, I'm excited about the idea of meeting new girls. I visualize myself almost every night approaching girls in bars and sometimes on the street, hitting it off and imagine myself very intimate with them ( not sex related, just me laying out my vulnerabilities in front of them ). And it's truly a great feeling. Sometimes it's better than actually getting back with my ex, so that's very nice.
Also, when I think about my ex, I feel detached emotionally, except from last night and now, and that's mostly a fear of rejection. It has nothing to do with her being the only person in the world that can make me happy, because I've realized that it should be the other way around. I shouldn't get into a relationship to make myself happy, but to make the other person happy. In order for that to happen, I should make myself happy first and foremost. And love myself just as I am now.
Relationships are not about you, it's about them, your partner.
Anyway, Happy New Year for all of you fine folks here. I wish you all a much, much better year than 2013 and may you find all that you seek.
What I can be, I must be!
