Ampers&d: The Year of the Alpha (Male 6.0)

[Ampersnd]

Realizing that my recent pronounced aversion of social situation probably means that some part of my psyche is deeply exposed. This means that some change is probably happening right now.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 17,

Worked today, then worked on an internship project.

At work, it got pretty hectic near the end, and we were overtime because of all the customer traffic. I was getting a bit stressed as everyone was dumping their work on me and not willing to help out (psh, salespeople). I did the work to clean things up, then got the hunch to go downstairs. I run across the manager, who was also feeling stressed and frustrated. We said that he repeated many times that we had to get our stuff if we already hadn't. I firmly told him that I didn't hear it and that I needed to go down to get my things. Long story short, I got to go down, and I showed him my respect for that.

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker; we're cooking some diamonds up in this bitch.

The day's insight; I need to work on talking and talking continuously. That's a skill that wasn't encouraged during my youth, especially when I was young, recovering from a surgery, and just taking in stimuli, usually from video games (spectator mode). I need to learn comedy, story telling, and build rapport with more people in general.

Got to practicing singing and guitar = good day

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 18,

Gosh, today was intense. My internship host isn't there; instead she's sick, and has missed 3 weekdays, 4 tomorrow. We were asked to send a bunch of our documents, and she called to critique all of them; not find strong points and weak points, just point out my flaws. I became enraged, because I know she's all too happy to find 100 faults in my work, but if I found a fault in her's, she would take it the wrong way.

I do think that I overreacted, since I called later for advice, and she was talking normally. So it must just be her style. It's pressure, so I must adapt to it.

I know (personally) that my French speaking isn't where it should be. My diction and phraseology aren't where they should be. I studder like a motherfucker, especially under stress. My getting stressed affects how focused and how fast I can work. It feels like things are going wrong.

And now, my colleague and I have to handle a crazy day tomorrow without this host. We're out in the fray, unsure if we're prepared. We'll have to find out.

I had to skip the gym and pMemory in favor of internship related stuff. I'll be going to bed relatively early, as I'll be on French television tomorrow.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 19,

Typing quick, been on the go since 7am, it's now past 11pm. Every minute today had some purpose.

Long story short, I was on live TV. The interview went well. I took on a client on my own, and my colleague did the same. I went from stressed out to very confident at my job, since I took something that seemed menacing and came out on top.

Gym was a good workout. There was a girl that I've talked to a couple of times before. I felt that it was a bad idea to go up, but I did it anyways. My gut feeling was right; something was just off about it. I'll simply look for girls who are interested in me off the get-go. I have this suspicion that women are sensing a deep reservoir of emotions inside of me, that are unknown to me.

Honestly (and this will sound so vain and conceded), I am more ripped and handsome than ever, plus I'm tall, but I'm getting virtually zero attention from women. This is showing me that beyond a reasonable doubt, looks aren't nearly as important as mainstream media thinks.

But, I'm driven, motivated, hardworking, I have a purpose, I'm mostly positive. I'm surprised that THOSE qualities haven't made much of a difference with my dating life. Unsure what the best place to focus on would be when I choose to make dating a priority.

I'm realizing that setting my goals in quarters has been great, as I can really focus and actually get them done. It gives a time limit and reminds me that I don't have to do today's set of actions forever.

Going to bed to get some semblance of a sleep schedule.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 20,

Another day like yesterday; packed, busy, rewarding. Got my daily task done for the most part.

I realized that my sex drive has been low possibly because of the subliminal, but it might also have to do with the season; it's winter, so low vitamin D. I count on it having to do with the subliminal, as I've never had such a low desire, except when I'm with my pair-bond (probably how the sub is designed, to make sure the guy's wife/gf is getting some)

pMemory is on the language module, and it's been a bit of the pain. The first few modules were very well constructed, and now the language module is built as though you have 6 hours a day to do them (they claim it takes 30 - 60 minutes a day of exercises). Today I spent at least 2 hours on it. The language module ends in 4 more lessons, so that's fine.

Nothing more to report.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 21,

Today was a bit less busy.

I got evaluated at work today. It was very positive, but for some reason, I felt very insecure. Emotions just come up out of nowhere.
Realizing that I'm mature, but insecure. Before, I was immature and insecure, so it's progress.
By the end of AM6, I should be mature and secure.

No gym today, so I got to enjoy a little bit of time off. I finished the pMemory lesson. I'm clearing the halfway mark, which is awesome because I couldn't get past Lesson 4 the first try. Now, I'll go through the entire program by the middle of April.

Did a personality test (shoutouts to Uncle Bob), and I scored INFJ: diplomat, introverted. It's pretty cool: http://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 22,

Making progress on internship, pushing heavy weights at the gym. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life (in the best way possible).

Feeling insecure, especially now. This is a bumpy ride, and I'm realizing how much of a pussy I've been / I'm being. Once my self-worth is settled, then things like social life and dating can easily sort themselves out.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 23,

Great day off. Did my daily errands, worked out, did pMemory, did my singing, practiced guitar, went and got poutine (the cashiers were both acting weird, not in a good way either), half-ass meditated, and then played Banjo-Kazooie on emulator, but it crashed. Going to bed early-ish.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 24,

Day at work. I've been inviting work colleagues to grab drinks on my birthday. They seem insistent on getting me wasted. I cannot do that, so I'm feeling the potential on it violating my boundaries. I'll have to let them know sternly to not do that.

Beyond that, I'm still a bit insecure.

A summary of my February goals (1 day of data missing):

Woke up on time: 13 times (of 20 total)
Power questions & Purpose reading:15 times (of 20 total)
Gym: 16 times (of 16 times)
pMemory: 19 times (of 20 total)
Songwriting: 2 times (out of potential 27); NEEDS WORK
On time for work: 18 (out of 19)
Brain Ev Meditation: 22 times (out of potential 27); NEEDS MORE FOCUS
Guitar: 17 times (out of potential 27); NEEDS A BIT OF FOCUS
Voice: 24 times (out of potential 27)
Cook a dish: 3 (out of 4; once a week)

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 25,

I've got about a week until Stage 3, and my bday.
A day of work. I had the runs, but I still hit the gym, lifting more than ever.
I went to talk with to an asian girl, but she didn't seem to know much English, and we didn't 'hit it off'.
Oh well, just keep going.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 26,

Wake, work, busy day (didn't eat much except for my one snack).
Got home a bit earlier than usual, took advantage of that to hit the gym early, go home and do pMemory. Currently done with Lesson 37; over the hill!

Some things I noticed:

- My public speaking skills are good, much better than when I talk one-on-one. It must be the mild adrenaline going on when I'm speaking in front of a group

- My willingness to accept change has gone up. Which means that if I have to add a new habit, or change a habit, or get a comment on my performance, for the most part, I'm thinking: "Oh? Okay", and just make the small change. This will translate to bigger things when I graduate and get to leave the city

- The steps that it would take to accomplish my life vision/purpose seem less daunting. For some reason, phone calls, creating events, or doing too much networking was daunting for me. Now, I see it as something that I can do and enjoy if I have to.

- My meditation session was anything but relaxing; I had created this scenario where my gf (who doesn't exist) verbally abuses me, so I record her, then she tries to knife me, and I'm forced to punch her and throw her out. Then I fumed about all the pity she'd get, and all the pillorying I'd get; which is why I recorded it. I was angry the entire session, but as soon as it ended, I feel fine now.

- I realized that if you think you're categorically the best on a field, you're wrong, and it's a bigger sign that you've got feelings of entitlement that permeates all other areas of life. That feeling has gone away (regarding my songwriting, though it is damn good), and has been replaced for a desire to properly translate and capture that value for people

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 27,

My day went well; I've realized that I worry about things, as we had someone of authority from my program come in and supervise. But I'm on the right track. I wasn't on the right track during the last internship, but I felt like I was on the right track. There is a reason behind my emotions, as they were once valid, but no longer.

No need to hit the gym today; I was able to relax a bit, and even play guitar. I transcribed part of a song that I'd like to play during a future open mic.

Nothing major to report. pMemory lessons have been faster and easier than before. I might do an extra one this week (6x) and maybe next week too.

[GlaizenGold777]

I read your journal is about pMemory, gym, and only like that. What about your social circle, man? We want to hear about it. :-)

[Ampersnd]

@GlaizenGold777 I talk about that today.

Stage 2, Day 28,

A fun day at work; we went to an asian-style restaurant to try to figure things out for our client. Turns out, there was this absolutely beautiful asian woman serving our table. I truly felt my something deep inside me beaming in appreciation of her just being there. Of course, I didn't know how to take it somewhere.

Once I got home, I did my singing and got a meal ready for a potluck in my program. I went and knew no one there, but I chatted with a couple of people, but didn't really feel much of a connection, except for a couple of people. I'll admit, there are a couple of very attractive girls in my program (a year or too behind me)

I'm realizing that my aversion to social situations is because I try to avoid the pain of knowing that my skills are not up to par. In fact, they can be quite bad. It's like avoiding practicing because then, I'd realize how little I've practiced and its consequences. Perhaps social life and skills should be a deliberate project, where I gradually increase the challenge over the course of, say, 3-6 months, until I'm comfortable with taking to almost anybody.

Same with dating; I'm not trying because I mostly know that it ends in me alienating the girls. A net negative for both of us. I've done this to women for years, with little net positive.

Anyways, after the potluck, I went home and felt heavy grief and disconnected. Hopefully, I can transmute this feeling of sadness into something productive.