Ampers&d: The Year of the Alpha (Male 6.0)

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 9,

I've hit the gym again, gone home and did the first pMemory lesson. If you're wondering "didn't Dan already do that?", the answer is "yes, I have". I'm doing it the right way, at the right pace, intending to finish it completely.

I had my first class today (intensive class), and these three weeks seem like they'll be extremely demanding on my time, especially given the things I've already committed to. I'll have to make a decision as to what my priorities are. Right now, they would be school (score high and pass), pMemory and gym (get in shape), though I have put importance on singing and songwriting, but it may take a backseat (again).

I'm still feeling emotionally shaky at times, and I notice the more emotionally weird I am, the more I react to people having fun without me. The bus ride back had a bunch of cute women having a great conversation, and I found myself lashing out at them in my mind. I stepped back and asked 'Why?'. It doesn't make sense, so I trust I'm healing a bit in that regard.

Progress on cooking; it's not exactly going fast, but I've read a bit more and made some extra purchases for my first recipe. Took me 10 minutes at the spice area to find some damn rosemary. Maybe if I manage my time a bit better, and shorten my trip to the spice area, I'll be able to do all the things I want to do.

[SargeMaximus]

Progress on cooking; it's not exactly going fast, but I've read a bit more and made some extra purchases for my first recipe. Took me 10 minutes at the spice area to find some damn rosemary. Maybe if I manage my time a bit better, and shorten my trip to the spice area, I'll be able to do all the things I want to do.

In situations like that I ask a woman. Great topic starter. I'm actually surprised you didn't, with your experience and whatnot.

[Ampersnd]

@SargeMaximus:
"Hey, you! You're a woman! You should know all about this kitchen-y stuff.." probably won't work as a segue.
Much like saying: "Hey! You're black! What can you tell me about this basketball hoop, good sir?"

I know what you mean, though.

Stage 1, Day 10 (will post the rest later). Here's a video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWiwYkudhrk

[SargeMaximus]

Lol, try it. Women LOVE helping me with stuff.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 10,

The way I think now is completely different than the way it was only a year ago, but VERY different than it was 2 years ago.

A big portion of my mental dialogue is about what type of person I'm becoming, and what I need to embody to meet the challenges at hand. A year ago, it was about habits (still very high level), but 2 years ago it was about conning the system and skipping the 'work' part of the equation.

On the ride to class, I found myself asking: "What if I were hiding something from myself and the world, and that's the piece that truly frees me?" I thought of that because I keep hearing stories of people who come out as gay, and whereas before, their life was a bit mess, they get their life in order, get in the best shape in their life, find their mate, and find true happiness.

It'd guess this is because the most crucial part of their identity was being strangled, much like a major artery, killing off other parts of their life. When it's freed up, things can survive and thrive.

Don't worry, guys. I'm not gay. But maybe I'm holding back the part of my identity which communicates: "I'm a straight man" to women. If a very large portion of women are showing just about 0 attraction to me, it's very clear that I'm communicating the wrong things. Maybe if I remind myself that "I love women" and "I love sex and putting my penis into pussy", perhaps that will come through.

It could even be another link; I don't know what I don't know (unconscious competence), therefore, it's difficult to pinpoint it.

I'm becoming increasingly efficient at cutting time for my non-class stuff. For class related things, I'm slowly increasing my ability to meet the challenge.

I felt a lot of nerviness; that feeling of awkwardness when a plane takes off? Yeah, I felt a milder version of that for a couple of hours today. When I'm in that mode, I can't be cool, or even myself, or funny, or resourceful; it's been distracting.

Oh, and the girl from the gym a few days back messages me first thing in the morning
I see her at the gym with her friend; couldn't really speak that loud for some reason.
I'll see if she'd want to grab coffee; but at some point down the line, I'd just like to have carnal knowledge of her. Oh my goodness, she's cute enough as it is, but her slightly bigger, round ass is simply a thing of beauty!

[SargeMaximus]

Don't worry, guys. I'm not gay. But maybe I'm holding back the part of my identity which communicates: "I'm a straight man" to women. If a very large portion of women are showing just about 0 attraction to me, it's very clear that I'm communicating the wrong things. Maybe if I remind myself that "I love women" and "I love sex and putting my penis into pussy", perhaps that will come through.

It could even be another link; I don't know what I don't know (unconscious competence), therefore, it's difficult to pinpoint it.

I totally get this as well. I'm not sure what communicates the straight vibes other than being a jerk 9which is unacceptable to me), but I have noticed that when you're more in touch with your and everyone's emotions, the gay stories start to pop up. Like people sense you sensing in a way that isn't "normal". Still, women usually like this.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 11,

At the gym, I met someone on the treadmill. It was kind of awkward, and I realized close-up that I wasn't as interested as I thought. I have her number, but I don't think I'll do anything.

Next, was my pMemory exercises, which took much longer than usual to get done; just over 2 and a quarter hours. I'm still making fast progress.

Today, we did a client consultation, with real people with whom I've never met. Of course, they're acting, but I was really nervous. In the past, I would just tap and clear that away, but sitting in it really affects my performance in the moment. I was stumbling, getting red in the face, and not feeling I was communicating all that great. But the guy said I truly mastered the French language (for a non-French speaker.. ouch; I'm supposed to be a native French speaker).

Different emotions today, but I'm still getting things done. I'm soon going to ask the gym girl (the previous one) out for a coffee date, or something short and sweet. Also going to see the girl from a few days back, this coming Sunday.

Set my alarm for 6:20 am.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 12

Up later than I should for school, so I'll be quick and jump in bed. Same time to rise tomorrow.

DREAM:
Had one of the most fucked up dreams in my entire life the last evening; I was a young girl (under 13) with long brown hair and I had a sister who was a bit younger, shorter, and similar features. First thing that I remember is that we're in a narrow underground tunnel, and we're climbing it vertically for air. There was the feeling of needing to escape.

We get out, and then it jumps ahead. We're above ground, and it's a cloudy, Fallout 3 sort of backdrop. I see my sister on a wheelcart, unconscious, with cloth over her eyes. I jolt up and try to get us away, and this old, wretched lady grabs me and pins me. She produces this big sharp blade, and I resist harder. For some reason, I stop resisting and accept my fate.

She digs the blade sideways into my right temple, and hinges out one eye from its socket. I hear a horrendous girl's scream; it is, in fact, mine. I can't see out of that eye anymore. She pulls the blade out and does it again with my other eye. I'm then blind, presumably for the rest of my life. I guess this woman wanted to make sure that we don't escape again, and that we're alive. She had done the same to my sister; to think of it, I actually think I witnessed her getting her eyes popped and scraped out, hearing her cries and bloodcurdling screams.

One of the craziest dreams I've ever had.

DREAM END

Funny, since my real life has been a little bit of a nightmare. School feels like it's building on me, but I'm managing by sacrificing sleep to do it (cue Hypersleep). I've also asked work for a schedule change on the weekend.

But, during class, while we were doing an assignment, and I realized that how much more I have to do, with the limited time I have, I felt the more intense mix of anger and anxiety I have ever felt.

I'm also a super wuss right now; the women in my class felt it, and I was trying to cover it up by posturing, but it was no use. There's been a lack of respect for me, and I completely understand it, since they see me as a weak man. In these moments, I AM a weak man. But it's all part of the process.

As I'm typing this, I'm in a similar feeling-place as I was before exams, in particular that big exam that was worrying me (pass or fail context). I'm happy to say that I haven't been tapping anything away. Let's see if it pays off!

[Electric Universe]

Im wary of the Indians and there "dream catching".

[Ampersnd]

Gotta reboot my laptop since the sound went out.

I want to reference these 2 great resources:
i) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmI9r7Py4tk
ii) http://manwhore.org/rsdnation-creating-y...ttraction/

I thought that ManWhore would be a total dick, and though he sometimes writes in a way that might not be interpreted charitably, I respect him and what he stands for after watching most of his seminar at the 21 convention.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 13,
Plays: 206 hours/plays

Today, I felt a bit better, though I got less sleep. Did gym and then school (instead of pMemory). Class went well; I'm noticing a couple of my female classmates giving me repeated eye contact and little smiles. I was much better today than yesterday (not feeling anything negative).

Had a big discovery that I shouldn't ever modify my behavior just because women/a woman likes it. In fact, it has the opposite effect of having women like you less. ManWhore points out that certain guys are trying something with a woman, and they're looking at their friends to see what they think; that frame of mind is a weak one. You should be doing things because you want to, which requires self-validation. Same goes with dancing an improv traditional dance because YOU feel like it.

I got home, finally cracked open the cookbook and made the recipe, put it in the oven to braise for 2 hours. Did BrainEv and then pMemory afterwards. I'm presently at lesson 5 at pMemory, further than I've ever been. When I finally completed the biggest exercise of the day, I felt like I've hit a milestone in my life, since this memory stuff is very real, and will have an amazing impact on my life.

After pMemory, I've been studying; no songwriting, singing or guitar playing. I'll be going to bed now and catch up on my sleep.

[SargeMaximus]

Had a big discovery that I shouldn't ever modify my behavior just because women/a woman likes it. In fact, it has the opposite effect of having women like you less. ManWhore points out that certain guys are trying something with a woman, and they're looking at their friends to see what they think; that frame of mind is a weak one. You should be doing things because you want to, which requires self-validation. Same goes with dancing an improv traditional dance because YOU feel like it.

So... you're hoping women will like you more by behaving in a way that doesn't have the intent of having therm like you more so that they WILL, in fact, like you more? Lol. I think this is classic pua stuff. Here's the deal IMO: Just like women get creeped out by guys whop are sexually attracted to them but trying to hide it, so too will they be turned off a guy trying to get them to like them without showing it. It doesn't MATTER (I don't think) what your intents are, so long as you're NOT TRYING TO HIDE THEM.

Try to get approval, seek validation, do it all, just don't hide it. That's all there is to it imo. Owning your shit, warts and all.

[Ampersnd]

@SargeMaximus

Yeah, it makes sense, and it's probably a very basic move. I didn't completely "get it" until I heard it from a speech yesterday, which is why it's significant today.

It made the difference between a conceptual understanding and an actual understanding, where I'll be living that principle from now on.

[SargeMaximus]

@SargeMaximus

Yeah, it makes sense, and it's probably a very basic move. I didn't completely "get it" until I heard it from a speech yesterday, which is why it's significant today.

It made the difference between a conceptual understanding and an actual understanding, where I'll be living that principle from now on.

Yeah me too, it's hard though. Just today I felt really "off", but that's because I'm out of my comfort zone. I was looking at a woman kinda pensively, and she was getting irritated, so then I ignored her. Not sure but I think I care too much what the woman is doing still.

On the flip side, my own "self" is that women should give me something to work with too. It can't be all me. Do you get that ever or do you find that women tend to respond equally to your attraction?