11-21-2014, 09:45 PM
Hi I came to the Alpha program because I was failing as a man or rather failing to become the one that I hoped and never was this more apparent than in my relationships with women. however I realize the most important relationship id like to heal/ integrate is the relationship with myself, through this all else is possible.
They say just about every man receives a psychological wound at some stage in his formative years , in my case ,its not too difficult to trace.my father a short tempered ,angry man, ill suited to family life.his behaviour would eventually destroy my mother and was a factor in my sisters future unhappiness and self destructive relationships. I was aged 10 when they divorced, but the damage was already done.at some deep level my self esteem was shot to hell
on the outside I was physically strong , captained the inter house football, basketball and hockey teams at secondary school,was popular, boxed , taught myself martial arts,but was never a jock.read by the truck load and had what you'd call smarts
women hovered, and hovered and I've enjoyed sex as much as the next guy but something from those early experiences of male behaviour makes the whole putting myself out there , escalation process disconcerting not so much that I cant do it , - i don't enjoy it, something inside me baulks, freezes, censors movement , energy, refuses to engage and its accompanied by a feeling that somehow I have to drop 3 notches down the evolutionary scale and drag my knuckles across the ground just to generate attraction this in turn causes resentment within myself for myself .as a consequence desire isn't triggered , transmitted and if so its a mixed signal, ambiguous at best . it baffles women . and women don't like being baffled. somehow the legitimate healthy aspects of masculinity got discarded with the negative displays of machismo, the baby with the bath water, this is what I need to restore and more besides.
thank you to all Am travellers who have shared their experiences
I've just completed the second week of stage 1
and will post a record of events to date later today.
" I didn't save anything for the swim back " Gattaca
They say just about every man receives a psychological wound at some stage in his formative years , in my case ,its not too difficult to trace.my father a short tempered ,angry man, ill suited to family life.his behaviour would eventually destroy my mother and was a factor in my sisters future unhappiness and self destructive relationships. I was aged 10 when they divorced, but the damage was already done.at some deep level my self esteem was shot to hell
on the outside I was physically strong , captained the inter house football, basketball and hockey teams at secondary school,was popular, boxed , taught myself martial arts,but was never a jock.read by the truck load and had what you'd call smarts
women hovered, and hovered and I've enjoyed sex as much as the next guy but something from those early experiences of male behaviour makes the whole putting myself out there , escalation process disconcerting not so much that I cant do it , - i don't enjoy it, something inside me baulks, freezes, censors movement , energy, refuses to engage and its accompanied by a feeling that somehow I have to drop 3 notches down the evolutionary scale and drag my knuckles across the ground just to generate attraction this in turn causes resentment within myself for myself .as a consequence desire isn't triggered , transmitted and if so its a mixed signal, ambiguous at best . it baffles women . and women don't like being baffled. somehow the legitimate healthy aspects of masculinity got discarded with the negative displays of machismo, the baby with the bath water, this is what I need to restore and more besides.
thank you to all Am travellers who have shared their experiences
I've just completed the second week of stage 1
and will post a record of events to date later today.
" I didn't save anything for the swim back " Gattaca