11-13-2014, 11:09 AM
Haha you're welcome Shannon 
DAY 54
What I Got
Sooo... A lot of change happened!
I am now on gay dating apps. I don't like meeting men that way, really not. I prefer to meet them for real, meeting them from dating apps feels weird. But I also feel I have no other way to meet plenty of gay guys. Logisitically it is a mess: my parents don't want me to use dating apps because they think it is too dangerous. So every time I've got a date, I must find a way to not say to them it is a date. I truly don't like lying so I hope SM will bring more guys from other channels...
Well I've had 3 dates as for now. And I rejected every one of them. Not in a mean way, I just told them that we weren't cut for going out together and that because of that it would not be worth the pain. They were understanding and told me it wasn't a problem. Before I would just go out with the first guy at hand, now I am being picky.
But as you can see, I'm still trying to go out with guys. That's because 1) every guy I talk to "don't like it to be just for sex" and don't like the people who seek that 2) I'm still a little bit reluctant to "just have sex" too.
I'm now talking with a guy who I like and who I maybe would want to go out with. But problem: he lives 70 kms from my house and explaining the fact that I go out with someone so far away to my parents will be hard without mentioning dating apps. (+ he doesn't meet my "going out" standards... I want to go out with someone who is really evolved self-dev speaking and he does not appears to be)
But I now wanna drop SM and start BASE. Why? Because SM is completely defocusing me from my business goals. I now spend too much time and money socializing. It's a side effect I really don't like but I understand it is a requirement for successfully achieving SM's goal. But I still don't like it. I don't think I will drop the sub. I committed to it, I'll finish it. And I still want SM results, even if the things required to achieve them are frustrating
Also: I don't know why I am focusing on finding a boyfriend, it seems like a theme that runs into my life. I always seek it, I seek love from a guy. And that's bad. I want to go out with someone BECAUSE I find this person amazing. I don't want to go out with someone BECAUSE I am not with someone at this moment. But that's what I am doing for the moment. That's meh.
I am also feeling more attractive but I still have uncertainties with certain guys. There is a new guy who is really attractive that arrived this week in my class. I wanna talk with him but I don't know if he'll find me attractive.
I feel sad because I feel lost at the moment. All my goals are falling apart because my focus is getting worse and worse. I don't achieve what I want to achieve. I really need BASE... but I know I really need SM too to give me a good foundation regarding my relations with boys. And relations with boys could be a problem in my business if my issues regarding me being needy and wanna go out with everyone are not resolved.
Neediness seems to lower. Not completely but it lowers.
I also got approached last week... but by an old and very ugly guy. I rejected him by telling him I'm heterosexual.
I am being flirty with that guy which lives 70 kms away and it feels great! Never have been so flirty before.
What I wish
I wish to have more beautiful guys in my life. All the guys around me are very average.
I wish to resolve that issue of wanting to aboslutely go out with a guy.
I wish my focus will come back.
I wish I will have sex without comitting to a relationship with a guy I don't like as a partner.
.... I think that's all for today, see ya,
-Adri
DAY 54
What I Got
Sooo... A lot of change happened!
I am now on gay dating apps. I don't like meeting men that way, really not. I prefer to meet them for real, meeting them from dating apps feels weird. But I also feel I have no other way to meet plenty of gay guys. Logisitically it is a mess: my parents don't want me to use dating apps because they think it is too dangerous. So every time I've got a date, I must find a way to not say to them it is a date. I truly don't like lying so I hope SM will bring more guys from other channels...
Well I've had 3 dates as for now. And I rejected every one of them. Not in a mean way, I just told them that we weren't cut for going out together and that because of that it would not be worth the pain. They were understanding and told me it wasn't a problem. Before I would just go out with the first guy at hand, now I am being picky.
But as you can see, I'm still trying to go out with guys. That's because 1) every guy I talk to "don't like it to be just for sex" and don't like the people who seek that 2) I'm still a little bit reluctant to "just have sex" too.
I'm now talking with a guy who I like and who I maybe would want to go out with. But problem: he lives 70 kms from my house and explaining the fact that I go out with someone so far away to my parents will be hard without mentioning dating apps. (+ he doesn't meet my "going out" standards... I want to go out with someone who is really evolved self-dev speaking and he does not appears to be)
But I now wanna drop SM and start BASE. Why? Because SM is completely defocusing me from my business goals. I now spend too much time and money socializing. It's a side effect I really don't like but I understand it is a requirement for successfully achieving SM's goal. But I still don't like it. I don't think I will drop the sub. I committed to it, I'll finish it. And I still want SM results, even if the things required to achieve them are frustrating
Also: I don't know why I am focusing on finding a boyfriend, it seems like a theme that runs into my life. I always seek it, I seek love from a guy. And that's bad. I want to go out with someone BECAUSE I find this person amazing. I don't want to go out with someone BECAUSE I am not with someone at this moment. But that's what I am doing for the moment. That's meh.
I am also feeling more attractive but I still have uncertainties with certain guys. There is a new guy who is really attractive that arrived this week in my class. I wanna talk with him but I don't know if he'll find me attractive.
I feel sad because I feel lost at the moment. All my goals are falling apart because my focus is getting worse and worse. I don't achieve what I want to achieve. I really need BASE... but I know I really need SM too to give me a good foundation regarding my relations with boys. And relations with boys could be a problem in my business if my issues regarding me being needy and wanna go out with everyone are not resolved.
Neediness seems to lower. Not completely but it lowers.
I also got approached last week... but by an old and very ugly guy. I rejected him by telling him I'm heterosexual.
I am being flirty with that guy which lives 70 kms away and it feels great! Never have been so flirty before.
What I wish
I wish to have more beautiful guys in my life. All the guys around me are very average.
I wish to resolve that issue of wanting to aboslutely go out with a guy.
I wish my focus will come back.
I wish I will have sex without comitting to a relationship with a guy I don't like as a partner.
.... I think that's all for today, see ya,
-Adri
