AAMTSv7. Part 0.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I've been using the subscription form of this program since June 4th. It is now October 3rd. Was doing well. All of a sudden lately, so much heavy stuff has come up and I'm intimidated by all the writing I woukd have to do to catch you all up. Between lingering resentments and pain over that friendship breakup, family issues, hangup over trusted people in my life who turned out to be hypocrites and charlatans and my most recent revelation that I had good looks in my youth, am no longer young, am now 37, have wasted my life and am only starting to get it together half way through, once was desirable to many desirable women but had ugly duckling syndrome and autism, didn't know how to capitalize off of it and now no loner have it and am deeply grieving for the wasted youth iblost, as well as the realization that I at least somewhat HAD the desirability I always wanted and not only wasted it but more importantly FAILED TO INTERNALIZE IT WHEN I HAD ITand this feeling that no matter how much "healing" I do, I may never internalize it like I wish I could... I'm feeling like just fuckin... shit, basically.  I feel like fucking garbage. I've always basically felt like garbage. So the world treated me like garbage.  Actually, it's a chicken eggs thing there. I don't even wanna think about it. Point is, I feel like trash. Times almost up on my subscription,  then my plan is to subscribe to UMS version whatever is latest, because I want not jut financial independence , but to accomplish some very ambitious goals I've formulated. Dunno how well it'll work though because God do I have blockages.

[Have at ye]

AM7 Stage 0 can be hardcore like that, it sounds to me like you're making helluva progress. I noticed a lot of progress retroactively, after I've switched programs.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

AM7 Stage 0 can be hardcore like that, it sounds to me like you're making helluva progress. I noticed a lot of progress retroactively, after I've switched programs.

Progress? Doesn't feel like it. Feels like I've sp[ent my whole life running in an endless loop that no matter how much I do to try and get out of it, I just end up running the fucking rounds again. I really want to internalize a healthy self image for once in my life, but it feels like nothing about that loop changes, only the conditions get worse. Feels like I'll just die with the ugly, worthless sense of self, but without the external, objective metrics that could contradict it anymore. How am I making progress, other than that I'm feeling it even more intensely and able to articulate it better? The dynamic is still there. Then again, maybe that feeling of hopelessness is the last dying refuge of a very stubborn sense of shame identity that refuses to die? I never know how much or how little of it is that? I just want off this train. I'm tired of running in this loop. I just want out. I'm so tired of it. But this underlying dynamic feels ever-present in everything I do, no matter how things are going. I'm so tired of it. I wish these programs would FINALLY just make that breakthrough or something. MAybe that isn't how it works, but I wish it was. Like, just one day where a big breakthrough is made and I'm finally on the other side of this. You know? Thanks for giving a shit, by the way. I feel like a broken record honestly, so it's nice there are people still following these, cause I feel like after all these years, I still ain't made much progress really. That's probably wrong though. It just feels like I just vent the same things over and over and then report something that feels like progress then just go right back to venting the same issues. Sorry if I do that.