AM7 - Frosted

[Frosted]

Getting back into metta meditation. I find warmth flows pretty easily, thanks to all the healing from these subs. This session there was only occasional mild tension towards difficult people.

Yesterday felt super comfortable in public. Patchy spots, but overall way more comfortable than even a few months ago. I wish I could experience a day in my life before I started subliminals so I could compare. I'd probably cry tears of gratitude after coming back to present day.

[Frosted]

My problems are feeling more graspable. I feel like a lot of vagueness and things I took for granted as the ground I was walking on has become more apparent. For example socializing, I have this unconscious anxious/ashamed feeling-- like I can't sit still. I also have a lot of sadness getting metabolized. I can sort of feel like where the different "strains" of emotional trauma came from in my life. Like "oh yeah, I remember this amalgamation of shame from when I made a fool of myself and the whole class laughed at me, day after day after day". Or the sadness from when the older kids excluded me, or were mean to me, and made me cry, and I tried to hold back my tears. Or the sorrow from when my favorite person in the world died when I was like 9 years old or something. I've moved on a long time ago, but I'm still recovering from the sorrow from that. It's the kind of sadness that makes you feel like you're suffocating and like there's a hole in your chest. Like such a profound loss that it feels overwhelming.

There's a separation between the good energy I've developed through these subs, and effortlessly bringing that to social situations. I'm understanding a big part of the obstacles, and they feel more real and overcome-able to me now. Like the difference between an unknown disease, and one you know and can slowly work on over time now that it's in your conscious awareness. You can't fight something you can't see. It was getting worked on in the background from my subconscious mind, but it's becoming easier for my conscious mind to participate more now.

Also good news: I'm keeping up with the metta practice. The warmth is really easy to generate thanks to these subs. I feel like bliss as baseline is super possible.

[Frosted]

I don’t know if it will hold. But for at least right now, I feel like it only took me 11 years to get to where I am, rather than feeling behind because it took me 11 years to get here.