AM6

[eternity]

stage 2 day 12

The other night I had a dream that I was visiting my distant relative in his town. He had two sons, who were both riding bicycles and they asked me to join them and ride with them. So I did. They were performing some tricks by jumping off the balcony into the lake in their backyard, but were riding on top of the water rather than sink, I was talking to my uncle and he was filling me in on things that were going on in the family, and he mentioned his cousin "Ben" who was a barber. Oh, and by the way, these guys are all black / African-american.

I'm of east Indian descent in real life, so when I woke up I started chuckling and I told my black room mate about the dream, and he also laughed.

I don't seem to be getting bugged as much as I had been the past couple of weeks. I noticed today and the last few days were kind of peaceful and chill. I didn't have as much agitation. It's like a sense of serenity is flowing through me.

I'm feeling more comfortable being in the lead, but I am also comfortable passing the leadership position to others in various situations. I originally pictured true alpha as a super ​outwardly​ confident individual who gets what he wants when he wants it and that's the be all end all. One who always has to be in the lead, and controls the pack.

I am starting to change that belief pattern. Maybe it's not all about me. Maybe the "ascendant alpha" is more concerned with social harmony than social dominance. Maybe that's resistance talking. I'm just writing how I feel.

The behaviors I'm noticing in myself is that I'm becoming more ​inwardly ​confident. Knowing who I am and where I come from- being okay with who he was, and welcoming who he's becoming.

Acknowledging everything I'm grateful for certainly helps too. It's hard to be unhappy when I am consciously grateful for everything I take for granted. My sponsor recommended that I be grateful for what I have. A couple weeks ago, I was resentful and annoyed that I have a piece of crap truck for a vehicle. But when I consciously say loudly each night how grateful I am for even having a working vehicle, capable of getting me to and from work every day, AND drive other people with me to meetings to help them in their recovery too. That's a blessing. It really is. Now I got someone who's helping me fix the truck as we speak (in the middle of the night) for very little cost. AND he let me borrow his truck in the mean time. Imagine that.

And yes Shannon, I switched to the trickling stream track, and I listened with headphones all day today (10 AM - 6 PM). Will be playing on speakers tonight as well. Thanks for the recommendation. The pain has stopped altogether, and the ringing is not bothersome anymore

[eternity]

stage 2 day 13

excerpted from my personal journal

I also witnessed C talking to J and spitting game to her, and she was getting flustered like crazy, blushing and everything. In the past, I would have been resentful that he's got this skill and I don't but today, I was listening intently to see what I could learn from it, and I didn't feel resentful at all. In fact, I was glad to be able to listen to it.

[eternity]

stage 2 day 16

Whenever I get asked to read "how it works" in meetings or page 86 in the morning and night, I am no longer reading at an incredibly fast pace, as I used to. I talk slower, and with more emphasis on what the message is saying by adding inflection to the statements as necessary, in a stark contrast with just wanting to read it fast and get it over with. It's almost like I read with more confidence.

My normal state of being is "fast". I was known for doing everything incredibly fast, and I even had the nickname speed racer when I was doing tweak. I'm starting to learn how to be calm and relaxed; maintaining composure throughout the day. I called one of my sponsor's friends in Atlanta yesterday and talked to him about how my days seem to be "boring" compared to how chaotic I used to live life. I told him that I kind of miss the chaos and I remember thriving in all the excitement I would create for myself. He told me how sick that thinking was LOL I agreed with him, saying that only an insane person would say he thrives off of craziness the way I did. And it's true. The big book says something along the lines of "the alcoholic life seems to be the only normal one" , and making it "virtually impossible to differentiate delusion from reality"

My sponsors friend drilled it in my head that sometimes I just got to sit there and do nothing. I need to learn that calmness and relaxation is vital, and I need to be in control of my emotions.

There's a song by shpongle called "Nothing is Something Worth Doing", the title of which is something I need to keep at the front of my head.

The serenity has sunk in and it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere anytime soon.

The other day, I was called on last to share at the house meeting, and as I was speaking, I get a text message from D saying "You've grown so much since I've met you. Keep it up ".

I caught a glimpse of it while I was talking, and I smiled inside.

So apparently my growth is quite evident, and people around me are definitely taking notice and saying something about it.

[eternity]

stage 2 day 17

I had a couple dreams last night but I don’t really remember most of it. What I do remember is going to a house party where I met this girl, and we were talking and hitting it off, but something happened to where we wouldn’t be able to be together but in the same house party, I met another girl Lynn and we were trying to go to the roof of the house, but in order to do that we had to climb up the staircase, and into a little hole in the wall. then we arrived on the roof. It was weird, I think I’m leaving out a lot of details because that’s all I remember.
The weird thing is that I don’t think this was the first time dreaming about that house. I know I've had a dream about that particular house before, and trying to get to the roof the same way.

I also saw a lot of cats I went to middle school with in a different dream. I saw them as what I would imagine their current aged selves would be. M still was a crazy guy like he'd always been, CW looked like a kid still. CD looked like a pro athlete, etc. One thing I noticed was odd about the dream was that a lot of these guys didn't seem too thrilled to see me. As if I didn't play an important part in their life one bit.


So last night I went to a rave with some people from the YPAA community. I don’t know if it’s because I was with a group of people who wanted to see me dance, or the fact that I’m becoming more confident in who I am, but I found myself jumping into dance circles throughout the night, and I was really getting down as the night went on. Supposedly I had a girl inching her way closer to me, and my friend J told me to turn around and dance but another guy must have seen him talk into my ear so when I turned around this dude started making out with her. lol

I got a lot of attention from the group I was with, but I didn’t necessarily feel like I was on the spotlight and getting glorious attention. In fact, I ALMOST feel I could have taken it or left it, since I was just letting my body loose and enjoying the music. But a part of me definitely enjoyed the attention, since I’ve been a self proclaimed “attention whore” for my whole life, but for all the wrong reasons. I just felt absolutely comfortable being myself and enjoyed the companies of my friends, and it was an overall amazing experience for everyone.

This time I initiated some physical contact with women for the first time at a situation like this, without any real expectations either.

[eternity]

stage two day 19

​Okay, so the serenity that was so prevalent lately hasn't been around much the past couple days. It was great while it lasted, although I don't mind having it back I noticed previous minded thinking has been trying to creep up, and when it is around, it doesn't stay very long. I think this might be the resistance I hear everyone talking about. It's almost like my confidence is going backwards and I'm feeling a lack of confidence in various situations which for a couple weeks I was feeling comfortable and myself. I have seen this in other people as well, so I know it's nothing to worry about, but I'm hoping it's not because I switched from ultra sonic to trickling stream.

But I also do know that being in a state that's uncomfortable means that i'm in a state of growth, so it's a welcome change.

Edit: I also wanted to add that I've been taking a supplement called "noopept" every single day during the course of this sub, although it's a supplement I've been cycling on and off for a couple months. Some studies say that noopept has the ability to enhance cognitive function, and in my personal experience that seems to be the case.

"Noopept ... [H]as been noted to increase spindle-like activity and alpha wave function in all tested brain regions (rat data).. [W]hile in the right cortex and hippocampus a greater increase in beta 1 wave function decrease of the delta function was noted..."

I'm very curious as to whether nootropics like this one can enhance the subliminals' ability to be streamlined directly into the brain?

Anecdotal experience around the web, along with my personal experience seems to indicate faster reaction times, heightened awareness, considerably slowing down the rate of entropy, increased memory recall, etc. So in theory, nootropics have the potential to increase the subliminal effects by 1 or 2 %.

Just a theory; this is my first sub, and I completely forgot to mention that I was taking this supplement in the journal, in case anyone else stumbles upon it.

[koshas]

stage two day 19

​Okay, so the serenity that was so prevalent lately hasn't been around much the past couple days. It was great while it lasted, although I don't mind having it back I noticed previous minded thinking has been trying to creep up, and when it is around, it doesn't stay very long. I think this might be the resistance I hear everyone talking about. It's almost like my confidence is going backwards and I'm feeling a lack of confidence in various situations which for a couple weeks I was feeling comfortable and myself. I have seen this in other people as well, so I know it's nothing to worry about, but I'm hoping it's not because I switched from ultra sonic to trickling stream.

But I also do know that being in a state that's uncomfortable means that i'm in a state of growth, so it's a welcome change.

Edit: I also wanted to add that I've been taking a supplement called "noopept" every single day during the course of this sub, although it's a supplement I've been cycling on and off for a couple months. Some studies say that noopept has the ability to enhance cognitive function, and in my personal experience that seems to be the case.

"Noopept ... [H]as been noted to increase spindle-like activity and alpha wave function in all tested brain regions (rat data).. [W]hile in the right cortex and hippocampus a greater increase in beta 1 wave function decrease of the delta function was noted..."

I'm very curious as to whether nootropics like this one can enhance the subliminals' ability to be streamlined directly into the brain?

Anecdotal experience around the web, along with my personal experience seems to indicate faster reaction times, heightened awareness, considerably slowing down the rate of entropy, increased memory recall, etc. So in theory, nootropics have the potential to increase the subliminal effects by 1 or 2 %.

Just a theory; this is my first sub, and I completely forgot to mention that I was taking this supplement in the journal, in case anyone else stumbles upon it.

I have read a lot about nootropics over the past few years and have tried a lot of them.

Anything to help brain function is good. Basically when your brain is processing the subliminals your growing new neural pathways in the brain.

I currently cycle noopept, acetyl l carnitine,aniracetam,lecthithin granules and others.

It helps a lot imho.

[eternity]

Yeah, I just don't have anything as a base comparison to know whether it's helping or not, but I don't see anyway it could hurt.

I was reading a lot about the quit smoking sub yesterday and a little bit last week. It really piqued my interest, but I don't smoke. I do, however, have a hefty dip habit, that not only costs me a lot of money but also is starting to affect my health and I have been telling myself for a while that I'll quit. I am kind of worried that on saturday while I was dancing, I might have had like a mini stroke or a heart attack or something, since the entire left side of my chest was hurting really bad at the end, and the pain only lasted for like 10 minutes. I only had one tiny pinch of chew yesterday evening when I started feeling the withdrawals, and today I had none but I kept the bag in my pocket just in case.

I feel an almost overwhelming desire to be free of tobacco, after wishing there was a "stop using smokeless tobacco" sub. Then I said screw the sub, I just need to quit on my own, my health is at stake here.

GAHHH I feel so irritable and an overwhelming sense of "FK the world" is going through my head, all because of nicotine withdrawals. I have a feeling AM6 has something to do with my decision to be able to quit, although the health concern could play a major part in it as well. Idk how to be objective here. I've quit smoking many times before, and had months away from smoking, but nothing permanent. smokeless tobacco is the worst in terms of withdrawal, but reading the quit smoking sub sales page helped me frame the quitting scenario in my head, and helped me take the plunge.

[eternity]

stage 2 day 20​

God dang, I'm looking back on the decision to quit tobacco and I'm thinking WTF "was that really me making the decision?" Without trying to over analyze it, it might be the Optimus Engine I've been reading about. Making any necessary changes to achieve the goal. I don't want to say that's a for sure, though. Because I can't tell the future and I may well relapse on tobacco, but I can say for certain now I'M DONE. I'm surrounded by it all day every day (being in a halfway house filled with smokers and dippers), and even more people who vape. It doesn't seem to bother me one bit. BUT I feel like taking something and shattering it into a million pieces. this withdrawal is no joke.

I had also started getting SOME physical activity last week; in the garage, we have some workout weights. Since I can't necessarily afford a gym membership nor find time to go, I have been using what I can in the garage. Granted, the past week it was very sporadic and maybe one set of lifts, which I could barely call working out. But yesterday, I started to lift in sets, doing at least 20 minutes worth of activity. Today was even more, as I took out my frustration and desire to destroy stuff on the weights. It was pretty relieving.

Now I'm starting to wonder why the hell have I been wasting all my time since I've been living here 4 months. Imagine how much better shape I'd be in if I had done this every day! well, no use beating myself up because there's always time to start.

Oh, something else that's uncharacteristic of me is that I got my haircut last week, before it got to the length I usually let it get to (which is really long). I usually wait far too long to cut my hair, and it ends up getting into that awkward length in between looking good short and looking good long. So it would look weird in the middle. The point I'm trying to make by writing this is that I am taking more conscious care of my appearance.

Tonight, after the house big book study, I told morgan and gabby that I would take them to their respective houses. Gabby sat in the middle, morgan sat in the passenger seat in my truck and when morgan left, gabby stayed in the middle. It was really cold outside, so it may have been because of that, or she just felt comfortable around me. It's worth noting that I had 1 drop of A314 on my neck as of 7:20 pm, so that would be worth taking into account also.

Well that was my spiel for tonight. I still feel like smashing something into a wall. Every cell of my being wants nicotine. I kind of used this post to kill some time and to vent.... so thanks for reading if you read this. lol.

[eternity]

stage 2 day 21

​I had an interesting dream last night, and it involved tobacco. In the drug dreams I used to have, where I would have the drugs in hand and everything, but didn't get a chance to use it in my dream. Same thing happened last night with my bag of chew! I can't even enjoy the tobacco in my dreams

B and A were also in my dream, and I was hooking up with both of them. A seemed to be more of my "girlfriend" in the dream, where as b was like a friend with benefit type situation. I remember one part of the dream where I was in the airport, and I was IN the luggage carousel, looking for my suitcase. It was funny- I went through the whole circuit twice, looking for my bag lol. Not sure on the order of events, but A and I were holding hands for what seemed like hours in a car ride. Sensual dream, not sexual.

I get an electronic copy of my paycheck every pay period, and when I checked it today, I was pleasantly surprised. My paycheck is about double what it was 3 pay periods ago, when I had the same schedule. The only difference was that i would sluggishly drag myself to work at 10-10:30 instead of 9:00 AM the way I've been doing this week and last week.** Not to mention I'm quicker to answer phone calls than anyone else, so the opportunities to lock in sales commission are mine. This could also have something to do with 2 of the employees not being here this week or last week (one of them has school and the other is just... absent all the time lol), so it's more like a redistribution of tasks than me seizing opportunities. HOWEVER, I AM seizing more opportunities I see during the days, where as in the past I would have passed up the opportunity saying that the time wasn't right (Thank you, John Alexander!).

I'm starting to wonder if the sub is starting to affect me on such a deep level that it's manifesting things right now to set the stage up for what is about to come. Like a spring cleaning of all aspects of my waking life to allow for the life of my dreams to become real.

*Edit: I did get a raise 2 pay periods ago - an increase of $2/hr

[eternity]

I'm writing here later this night to share that I had yet another person tell me today how much I've grown and the changes he's recognizing in me. He mentioned it in nightly wrap up tonight in front of everyone when we do affirmations to each other saying "i can notice a huge difference between who you are now and who you were when we were in rehab together. I know how much you've been doing around here and I don't think it gets recognized enough".

Well, I appreciated the gesture but I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't crave the appreciation like I used to. Am I being modest? Or am I being bashful by saying it to a group of people on this forum?

I haven't been labeling people as alpha or beta in my head lately. It was something that I am guilty of and feel bad for having done because passing judgment on another person for who they are just isn't my place. I can't afford to be letting people take up space in my head rent free.

Does the transcendent alpha need to be recognized? Alpha's in the wild demand recognition of his rank in the hierarchy. Does the transcendent alpha do what's right for the sake of doing what's right? and for the benefit of everyone involved?

here's my thoughts on the transcendent alpha. The transcendent alpha does not need to be recognized. He does not try to control the situation, rather he helps the situation flow smoothly, to bring what he can to the table for the benefit of all involved. He does not get stressed out about expectations, rather does what he does because he believes to to be the right thing to do.


Hmm.....

[eternity]

stage 2 day 22

wow i had a dream last night that as I was urinating, a piece of flesh would come out and make the whole toilet bowl red with blood. It was gross, and I could feel the pain in my dream as if it was real. It was horrible. It's funny because one of my good female friends has been having bladder pains and has been urinating blood for the last week, and just yesterday I told her that I'm praying for her and that I love her..

I was thinking about what I posted yesterday about my thoughts on the transcendent alpha, and I had a little bit of back and forth with myself in my head wondering if my interpretation was far from the truth. I was thinking about how an entrepreneur would think. Ideally, the entrepreneur wants to be in control of situations, and doesn't' allow life to pass him by. He would identify the target, and start making moves to align himself with that target, and then takes action to hit the target.

Am I furthering myself from becoming an alpha male by giving my entire life to my creator and not expecting anything in particular? What if all my work in AA is contradictory to what AM6 is programming me with? Some core beliefs are being challenged. I refused to give up my AA program, as it's a life or death situation for me. I can't afford another relapse, there is no telling if I will come back alive. At the same time, I refuse to give up AM6 programming, especially making it this far already. There are certain aspects of my life that are certainly getting better either directly or indirectly due to the sub.

Well today was extremely hectic at work because there was only 3 out of 6 of us at the office today, and most of the day it was only 2 of us. To top it off. The phone at the front desk was not working, so I had to do my tasks plus front desk tasks. It didn't help that I was still feinding for nicotine, too. Oh yeah, 4 days strong no nicotine.

Then I left work early to get to my mom's place of business so I could meet her and the accountant for a business meeting. At the end of the meeting my dad calls my mom asking for a ride, and my mom was unable to do it so i stepped up and said I can pick him up (30 min drive) on the condition that he goes with me to a meeting. So I leave the shop and I try calling him incessantly and he didn't answer at all. I needed him to look up a meeting for me while I drove to save some time. He ended up not even coming out of his office til 8:30, at which point I was going to be pointlessly late if I showed up to the AA meeting, which starts at 8 and ends at 9. I was irritated most of the drive there and resentful that he would do something like that.

Then I remembered what my sponsor tells me:

If you ever feel resentful at anything, you might as well sign your name to it because you've got it.

I tried to find my part in it: It inconvenienced the FUCK out of me. I was being self centered and not flexible. I still feel that I wasn't entirely in the wrong, but there are certain things that are outside of my control and I can't afford to get pissed off at stupid shit like that. I offered to give him a ride in the first place, and I know my dad well enough to expect shit like that to happen. So I set myself up LOL. But he's my dad, and I have to be there when he needs me. Not to mention, this is the city of houston. There are meetings all day every day.

God, I really shouldn't be allowed to go into my own head without adult supervision. It's a battleground in there.

[eternity]

stage 2 day 23

People seem to be counting on me as the go to person. Last night at like 10:45 pm, I get a text from D asking if I could chair the meeting for saturday at noon. It was such short notice, but I took up the opportunity.

Today she asked me for the address to the meeting for tonight, even though she's in california. She probably needed to give it to someone else who was going to show up. I also got a text message from B at 5:15 pm (the one who was in my dream the other night - 7/10) asking if I was going to the meeting tonight. Now, I was taking a nap from about 3pm to 6 pm, and when B texted, I heard the phone go off but I didn't look at it until 6 when I woke up. The crazy thing is that during my nap, she was in my dream. A lot of people that I knew were getting ready to put on a play on stage which happened to be in side a grocery store. The time was coming to go into the store, and I was driving my golf cart in the parking lot and I See B walking in the parking lot so i pick her up in my golf cart and she is holding me like a girl would hug her boyfriend. right before we get to the store , the golf cart flips and i wake up. I look at my phone, and I see a message from her.

That's wild! I respond saying yes I am going to the meeting, and she also asks me for the address to the meeting. When I got home at 11:30 pm, I check my facebook and G had messaged me at like 5:30 asking if I could pick her up for the meeting lol. Unfortunately for her I don't check fb very often (i have notifications disabled on my phone, and don't have messenger so I didn't get it until totally late)

After this particular saturday night meeting, it's customary for the group to go to a taco place together. While there, M asks me for some "moral support real quick" and I'm like "yes of course" so I follow her inside and she just wanted me there to make her not feel awkward having to blow into the breathalyzer she has to do 6 times a day. So she plugs her machine into the wall, blows, and we walk back outside together.

Also, at the taco place, this girl that I kind of grew up with (my college room mates younger sister) started working there. We had a falling out a couple years ago when we got into some legal trouble together, and me being the fucked up ignorant asshole I was, I got her in trouble too so we were legally not allowed to make contact with each other while we were on probation. It ended up being until just last week when I noticed her working there, when I said hi to her. It was kind of awkward, since it was 4 years since we seen each other, but it made me feel really warm to see her again. Her and I were really close and it all fell to crap after getting into drugs. Yet another thing drugs have ruined in my life. Well, I saw her again today and I talked with her a bit, and she told me to tell my mom she said hi (I got her a job with my mom many years ago, and she was very loyal and hardworking).

Lol, my life is really starting to change.... I'm liking this. I feel like I'm still the same person I was a few months ago but I know I'm nowhere near the same.

Who would've thought that me, a dude who was a drunk and doped up loner 6 months ago would be where I am today?

[eternity]

stage 2 day 24

​I slept a lot of today, but I got some working out in, so I'm happy it was another "non zero day". I'm still a little bit sick from a few days ago, and I can't tell if I'm getting any better. What's crazy is that I usually never get sick, but I got sick last month, once in October, and again now.

Anyway, not much to report here except that A (same girl from my dreams, and same girl who's arm I grabbed I mentioned in stage 1 day 13) is making all kinds of excuses to talk to me in person, even though she has a boyfriend. She's exactly 6 years older than me (same birthday), and a little chunky but she's still really hot; the way she carries herself is really sexy. Today before the house meeting, she asked me to take her to work in the morning, and I told her I can. So I gotta wake up early and go get her from the women's house and take her to work so I can make it to work on time myself. At the end of the meeting, we got in the closing circle as usual and I told the guy next to me that I was sick so we can't hold hands and A, who's the next person over says "i'll take my chances" to me and I wink at her.

Oh, B was at the meeting as well (again, same one from my dreams). It is always great to see her, she's such a great piece of eye candy I remember in rehab she would barely give me the time of day, but nowadays she's saying hi to me and initiating conversations.

That's it for today.

[eternity]

stage 2 day 26

Last night's mare was horrendous. I woke up sweating, and afraid. It was a very dark and twisted dream where there were a couple guys who were killers, chasing other people around, including myself. At some point during the scene, I saw little baby chickens trapped in their cage, but they somehow were able to dematerialize and materialize outside the cage. So they weren't really trapped. I remember vividly that I was one of the guys the killers were after. I kept trying to hide in this big house, which was dark and gloomy. Each step on the staircase was made out of a giant fish tank that connected to the next, and it was filled with mini sharks. This elaborate water tank system was the public water supply. One of the killers jumped really high onto one of the staircases, grabbed one of the jars from his pocket (kind of like the jars from legend of Zelda 64 where you captured fairies), and slammed it into the water supply and some purple gas looking stuff started pouring into the public water supply, thereby poisoning it. I run away from the scene to find somewhere to hide, but then I see this guy who had 2 of his arms chopped off (he had 2 arms, plus 2 nubs so he must have had 4 arms) and was walking around all bloody. Then one of the killers sees me, so I start running away with all my might and I make it outside, where another two killers are waiting for me. At this point I’m freaking out almost crying, and I start running away and they follow closely behind, and one of them whispers in my ear as we’re running “you can’t run away from us”. So I start running so fast that I start flying and I end up going as high as the clouds, trying to find a place to sit and catch my breath.

I can remember it very vividly, even though I’m writing this 5 hours after waking up. These big houses seem to be a recurring theme in my dream world, as is flying. I wonder what they mean?