AM11 with Jeff

[Jeff]

The name is so funny! haha. My mom thought it was some hybrid of ecstasy and marijuana.

I do have approach anxiety in general. Not just towards beautiful women. Approaching new people to have a conversation is quite out of my current reality. It stems from lack of experience and an irrational fear of rejection. For example: I could talk to every single person in a couple of my classes and church, but say going to a party and knowing very few to no people, red flags just shoot out for no apparent reason. I will be very chill, I just won't talk much. I plan to put a real honest effort in the category. That would boost my confidence to new highs alone. I definitely am going to think some social affirmations through.

Yeah, one question that is busy around like an angry bee is "What do you want to do with your life?" I am really puzzled about it. I know for sure something will come, but I am not sure what though.

Also speaking my mind. My internal programming is fighting this to an extent. The way I was raised was, be a nice little boy, do not back talk, only say nice things, etc. I want to do what Majordomus did:

I had this period when I was experimenting with other video subliminals and some of them were about living in Truth no matter what and being straightforward.
I met this really cute girl and I blew it out fully, telling her most offensive stuff and anything that came. However, she started doing the same to me.
And we ended up cracking ourselves with laughter.
She was blown away by how indifferent I was (and different from anyone else): I completely did not care about how she is gonna respond, I just had fun with it.
*****She loved it. Felt liberated. Felt challenged. Felt alive. I called her a "*****". She called me a "motherAnd we laughed and laughed.
Amidst all of that, I just leaned to her and kissed her. She was mesmerized by the freedom I was creating everywhere I went with her.
And she was absolutely adorable cute girl who had a boyfriend at the time.
When you read this, you might think to yourself "WTF?".
This is nothing like seduction/PUA tactics, it defies any common sense.
When you are spontaneous and real and act without fear, anything can happen.

I never build such a strong attraction with any other woman in years. She could not let me go, because at that time, I behaved absolutely fearless to other people. She almost became addicted to me and the novelty and liberation I was creating for her.
Her boyfriend found out and wanted to beat the shit out of me.
I was even contemplating going for it and fighting him.
But then my previous common sense kicked back.
For several weeks I lived without any fear.
I said anything I wanted on facebook.
I said anything I wanted to my family.
I said anything I wanted to some of my clients in work.
I did and said anything I wanted all the time.
I alienated quite a lot of my friends, my family and lost some clients.
Lost a lot of money. Quit school without finishing.
I did other crazy shit at that time. I behaved completely random, approached anyone I wanted, tried new things everyday, purposefully risking a lot.
And although it was all quite destructive in one sense, I never felt happier and more alive in my life.
I will never forget those moments.
But I do not think I will ever play those particular subliminals again and unleash myself like that.
One needs some plan and security. And I am scared again.
But the magic of those memories still haunts me...