AM 7.0 - The Measure of a Man / Morrison Shouts in my Ear

[Ampersnd]

Pros:
* Last night and today, I got over an internal hurdle and put myself on video chat to practice my foreign language speaking. I'll be going to Italy in about one week so I'm looking at Italians to speak with them. I'm doing better than I thought.

Cons: * My motivation crashed this afternoon after work. I played video games for 1.5+ hours for the first time in 3+ months.
* I "wasted" my whole evening not really doing anything productive except being on video chats, which is not a *huge* problem because of the return on investment for skills.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 8,

Over the last couple of days, I've been carrying around a sharp anxiety in my upper gut and lower torso.
I can dull it a bit when I take a deep breath but it comes back almost right away.
Over the course of time, the nature of this anxiety has shifted and has gotten a bit better.
I suspect that when this feeling is cleared or transmuted, it will transform to newfound personal power.

Have been cultivating my sexual energy, have not been drinking; either would blunt this feeling.

[Ampersnd]

I wanted to go out tonight and work on social skills, but each time I think about it, I get a flare of anxiety.
I'm reminded of how I feel back in 2010-2013. Back then, I forced myself to take action because I didn't know any better and I assumed that my actions would be rewarded.

Update: I played Assassin's Creed for about 6-8 hours tonight until 3 in the morning. Got bored with it so I don't think it will be my distraction tomorrow.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 9,

I woke up feeling much better and removed from that intense defeat.
I still had to pull myself to the MMA class and started feeling better.
I then went to the bank and had a nice chat with the teller at the front when getting some euros.
Ran a couple of errands and ran myself to the mall.

Eventually spoke to one and she was too young. Ended it quick.
Visited a friend at the shop where he works and saw a cute black girl with red hair. She's 18. Got her number for the repetition of it.
Went to the food court and followed a gorgeous brown girl walking fast. She offered me her Instagram and I grabbed her number instead.
These are my first 'mall numbers' in over 10 years.

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Stage 1, Day 10,

I was supposed to go out yesterday, but I did a pre-event with a couple of friends and their friends where we watched a movie.
By the time I got to my buddy's at 11:30 PM, he was a bit fried and while I was getting relaxed, I got hit with a wave of tiredness, uneasiness, and nausea.
We wound up chilling outside and talking a while, until past 1 AM.

It seems as though what Stage 1 is doing is successfully unearthing the inner struggle that I've been experiencing (and losing at) for many decades.
Stage 1 is also increasing my desire to break out of this tendency, worsening this inner struggle.
And there's nothing external that I can do that would resolve this conflict.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 12,

Ran the loop for the first time in two days. Did so as I was getting some sleep.
Since I'm jumping on a plane in three days to Europe, my mind played out the hypothetical: what if I had been born 80 years earlier and were actually on a plane to fight World War II in the Pacific? Where I could be shot or blown up at any point and not be guaranteed to come home? To be ambushed and possibly tortured.

I felt some primordial fear I hadn't felt in a long time. That subsided soon enough because I knew that this scenario is not real. But it did illustrate that I have things pretty good in life. The other side of that coin is that I've been pretty soft about going about life's challenges.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 13,

When I become present and attuned to my body, then I feel an uneasiness in my gut that resembles tension and anxiety.

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Stage 1, Day 14,

I'm heading off on an international trip tomorrow, and I'm feeling anxious about it.
Speaking about my internal state while skirting around Rule 4 terms, I'm feeling as though I have a variety of high-vibe and low-vibe emotions inside of me, and that my body is forcing itself to metabolize and digest out the low-vibe emotions, which have been weighing me down like anchors.

Once they're handled, then I can see myself climbing up a few notches in confidence, ease, and happiness.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 17,

I left for Italy on day 15. I managed the jetlag almost perfectly.
Had some major logistical issues when I got here that stressed me out until 6 hours my stay here. Have been on edge since coming over.
Have been applying the David Hawkins "Letting Go" philosophy since jumping on that first plane ride. Had the irrational fear of crashing even though I didn't feel that way in 2019.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 18,

Been getting as many attractions as I can in Rome. Am not talking to people freely like I thought I would.

Realizing that I'm quite reactive to other people in this country. My accent changes to reflect the person talking (waiter, whatever). I'm conciliatory and don't feel it in myself to talk to plenty of pretty women like I had planned here.

My rationale is that I'v reached a state of zen with my daily that I don't want to ruin it by making people uncomfortable.
Coming to terms that I've larp'ed as a cool guy in many respects. Or, that I am a situational cool guy (?) who needs for the externals to be handled before I can feel cool.

Looking forward to the proper Transcendent Male training in Stage 2, which is coming fast!

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 26,

Came back from my Euro trip. The trip only felt surreal after coming back and seeing the shitty state of architecture of my city. After tomorrow, I'll be on my last set of loops for Stage 1.

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Stage 1, Day 30,

STAGE 1 REVIEW:
Last day with this stage.

PROS:
* I'm motivated to study Italian. I'm currently exposing myself to 100 new words per day, with a high retention rate.
* I've created a learning plan based on someone else's to become an AI engineer. It will be a jumpstart to my current Web 2.0 developer. Haven't taken significant developer-based training since 2022, or tech-related training since early 2025.
* I have a heightened sense of urgency.
* I don't have fear, but I have a decent sense of understanding of what will happen if I start new conversations.
* Intuition is good. Motivation is high on certain things.
* Leaning into the David Hawkins "Letting Go", which is an emotional process.
* Went on my Italy trip, and that gave me a ton of perspective about my life, the good things that are out there, and that you need money to access any of it.

CONS:
* I've lost motivation to do the things I've been typically motivated to do in 2025; gym, Jiu Jitsu, guitar, singing.
* I don't have the motivation to pursue or grow money.
* I don't feel attractive or likable to others.
* I might be becoming more obnoxious with time. I'm also finding that more people are put off by my energy. I was out yesterday with theater friends, and though I was chatty, I wound up saying a lot of things that might have come across as obnoxious. I even alienated the waitress at the end with a badly-formulated joke. The receipt was printed at "10:00:06", and I pointed it out and said: "Couldn't've printed this six seconds earlier, eh?" and she didn't get the joke, and even as I was trying to explain it, she didn't respond and kept helping other people with their payment. The person next to me got it but reflected my tone back to me as being off.

[Ampersnd]

Day 31,

Realizing today that I did an extra day above 30 while still technically counting as 'one month'

Good thing that I'm not going over this amount, because I've been feeling increasing amounts of moments where I can feel my ego dissolving and some uncalibrated statements and actions are coming out. Dickhead things at times.

I also feel an inner tension where the confident and the unconfident versions of myself are both present.

[Ampersnd]

STAGE 2, DAY 1,

Listening to this stage last night was a smooth experience.
I've noticed that this stage is already balancing me and recalibrating how I'm speaking at meetings.
I'm more distracted today - by putting slop videos in my path, that I feel a need to watch before watching my professional development videos.
That feeling of being disequilibrated is not there right now.