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The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
01-18-2017, 04:16 PM (This post was last modified: 01-18-2017 04:23 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #121
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
I've been having thoughts of messaging a girl from the gym who's number I got months ago but kept forgetting then it started getting stronger so I did yesterday.

She's phillipino and there's a bit of a language barrier sometimes but she would always give me massive smiles and touch me heaps, but something stopped me after I got her number. Even getting it took a while. I feel DMSI is helping me go for it. Anyway I woke up this morning all of a sudden with my mind in conflict about deservingness and trying to get rid of it in the same old stupid way that it does other things. And I also woke up pretty fatigued and don't feel that energetic.

At this point I got a reply from her this morning and I was planning to ask her out, but now i'm unsure. And I don't know if it's the excuse from fear or legit but she said she hasn't been going to the gym much because she's been busy with her kids. She has an awesome body, but her having kids is a turnoff. The last few girls i've been with that are younger and don't have kids it's much better because they don't have that responsibility taking up their time or energy. And I don't want to get involved with her kids.

But I already knew that yesterday and the doubt just come up today.

Also I had this dream that stood out, and I actually remember it. The part I remember I went into a bar, and I played something on a super nes though it was a pc game I played on it, not that it was a game that's actually real. And I was listening to music on the jukebox and watching ufc.

Then some staff come over and told me I had to leave because I can't listen to music or watch the ufc because it encourages violence. And i'm like "So I can't listen to music on a jukebox that you have in your bar, why do you have it then?" and I was telling them they are idiots and such, then cops come in and one was standing staring at me.

I said i'd leave, then we got to the back door and now the place was this big mansion type building and in my mind the people in there had stolen my martial arts training videos, the cops said they couldn't do anything so when they left I snuck in with someone else (no idea who it was, some fat girl) and there was all these rooms full of old people and weird kind of people that were a bit like zombies. I was hiding and looking under beds and stuff for my videos. Then in one part there was these kind of cells that people lived in. Weird.

I woke up annoyed thinking about years ago when I ordered some martial arts training videos and customs took them and told me that they promote or encourage violence (just like how in the dream they are like "the ufc encourages violence") and that how at the time I was just depressed about something else and that made it worse and when the person I ordered it from actually said if I can't get them back I can get my money back I was actually like "I can't be bothered" then that was it. It just seemed like way too much to do because I was so depressed.

But how does this relate to healing what is in the way of the DMSI goals? I have no idea. The thing that seems to stand out is how I was depressed at the time more than just the video thing.

Woke up feeling fatigued, still don't feel that good. And also the deservingness stuff I mentioned.

The other thing is that the girl i've been seeing is still messaging me every day, but the dynamic is a little different. We were already pretty sexual, but it seems more so in messages lately. A few days ago I really got into it and so did she, then the next day just talked normally. Yesterday she brought up the sexual talk and I said a few things but then I just got really bored with it and didn't bother much. Not sure if that's something, but just saying I noticed it.
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01-18-2017, 04:28 PM (This post was last modified: 01-18-2017 04:47 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #122
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Ok now that I have tried to go and focus on doing some of my own work, this weird light headed feeling from yesterday is presenting itself again. Unable to focus or think properly and feeling kind of shut down.

It reminds me of how I sometimes felt with a health issue i've been dealing with. But since it come on so suddenly in a moment while listening to DMSI yesterday I feel it's related to that. Also since I also connected these feelings to possible trauma while I was doing my TRE sessions a while ago adds to that theory.

This cloudy headed feeling is unfortunately familiar in that it's stopped me from doing alot of things because I can't focus or think and just don't feel 'alive' when I have it. Haven't felt it for a while, it lessened alot during E2 and recently. First time i've had it for a while.

***** hell, i'm feeling physically weak and like I want to cry again. It's bubbling up behind my eyes just like the last few times i've mentioned. Guess that's more indication it's from the healing. But this feeling is *****.
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01-19-2017, 05:07 PM (This post was last modified: 01-19-2017 05:10 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #123
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Seeing some of the aggression coming back today in how i've been responding to things. Even saying things I probably wouldn't have in the past.

I have a feeling it will cause me issues in that weight loss group I mentioned cos i've been calling several people out for stupid shit. I'll probably get more of "ooh negativity.. yourree soo iiggnoorrant". (Michael Jackson on south park haha).



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01-19-2017, 05:31 PM (This post was last modified: 01-19-2017 05:47 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #124
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
And a little more I can report.

I'd say it's NSFM. Still finding myself atleast at the gym or places i'm more comfortable just focusing on the girl I want, usually the most attractive one and finding a way to talk to her.

Went to bootcamp class last night. Something cool happened when I went in, the instructor who I talk to alot at the gym, she has a microphone on her head for the class and was taking the class before bootcamp.

I walked in and she's like "Look who's here" like I was a celebrity or something and everyone looked. Notably 2 sexy girls standing at the entrance, the more attractive one smiled at me, not sure if the other one did I forgot or I don't really care.

Well she ended up next to me in the workout, she didn't go out of her way to talk to me but would had me one of the things when we changed stations and I made a few comments to her and she seemed pretty happy. Then at the end I was talking to a guy there I know from the gym, and she was sitting with her friend. After that I went and sat down next to her and talked to them.

They were both attractive, but I focused on the one who was more attractive to me and though I talked to both I sat next to her on purpose instead of the other one. She made a weird comment about not doing the first class because she hates bonding and people touching her, and they do high fives and stuff in the class. But then also she looks after kids for her job. So that was weird, it struck me that if that is really the case it would say that she has issues. But **** it I enjoyed talking to her and it was noticable again though I can't say I noticed a massive amount of interest she was definately engaged and happy while talking to me and the main thing I noticed is my focus on the girls i'm attracted to and just going for them instead of trying to talk to every girl just because they are there.

I might still talk to others but that just happens if it comes up like they are next to me and I just naturally make a comment. I still find myself focused on a way to talk to the one I find attractive.

And I was messaging the phillipino girl and suggested coffee. She asked if i'm going to the gym tomorrow (which is today now) and I said "yes around 2pm" and she's like "ok i'll see you there at 2". It seems out of her routine as I haven't seen her there for ages and she said she's only going on weekends now. I can't say I know what it means because I still plan to do my own workout, but i'll take it as a hint to flirt with her alot inbetween some of my sets. Hopefully we finish our workouts around the same time too.

But interestingly it may show something that has shifted in me because i've never really had much with girls from the gym or gone for it. And now I have a kind of 'gym date' with her. I've never really gone for many girls at the gym past talking and getting a few numbers, probably like 3 or 4 in the time i've been there. Because I don't want there to be issues at the place I go all the time that is kind of like my sanctuary. But this girl was pretty obvious, it took me a while to even get her number and it's not until DMSI that I actually went for it where before I just had her number sitting in my phone for like 3 months.
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01-19-2017, 06:19 PM
Post: #125
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
I wonder to what degree these subliminals utilize conflict resolution scripting? I can't really stay mad at Ben and his banhammer. Conflict resolution skills are something everyone should have, just think of a conflict resolution aura...
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01-19-2017, 10:15 PM
Post: #126
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Not sure, but it's probably more indirectly related to other things instead of having it directly. Atleast in person like security it's the presence and calmness and such. Online can be a challenge because text can be misinterpreted sometimes.

I'll just say i'm not here to try to upset anyone or to be unfair, and it's not so much me being sensitive to certain things said.. it's more taking in the viewpoint of the other person and how they might take it.

I'm not sure how a conflict resolution aura would look, but i'd would be more indirectly related to other things.
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01-19-2017, 10:30 PM (This post was last modified: 01-19-2017 10:41 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #127
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Hahaha I just refreshed the journal and it went back to page 1 with the sausage photo and I laughed because I forgot I posted it.

Went to the gym, the woman come along all happy to see me. I thought she was phillipino but she's from indonesia. Close I guess Big Grin

She was talking to me heaps at the start, then I went and did my own thing and went back. One thing is a bit of a language barrier so I don't know how she will take things sometimes, and the cultural difference. She was doing squat type exercises in the mirror at one point and I went and told her "those are good exercises for me to check out your bum" and she was telling me she wants a bigger bum and turned around to look at it in the mirror.

That seemed to go down well, but I noticed that cockiness didn't really go down well or she just didn't get it because of the culture difference. Like she goes "it's hot in here" and i'm like "thanks I know I am" and she just gave me a weird look haha.

At that point she seemed to stop coming over to talk so I wasn't sure. But I just assumed it was on and we ended up finishing workouts at the same time. I waited when she got her stuff and we walked out together then she pointed at the cafe next door and asked if I wanted to get a drink. It was closing so I told her about another cafe and we met there. This one was better as it has a couch.

I kept things a little simpler because of the language barrier. Sometimes she's hard to understand. She kept touching me on the leg and coming close to whisper stuff sometimes. When I sat down on the couch a family was near us and the teenage girls seemed to keep staring at me like I was an enigma or something. Can't quite interpret it but it was noticable.

She was asking tons of questions, like about family, asked how my love life is going, several times was like "don't you have a girlfriend". It all flowed pretty well.

But in the end i'm not quite sure. So I was asking why she come to Australia and she said her husband. For a second i'm like "wtf" then she told me he died 5 years ago and got a little emotional so I changed the subject.

But with that and the questions she was asking I got the impression she wanted more than I am willing to give. Naturally as I usually do I just paid for my own coffee then let her order whatever she was getting.

And she was talking about how in her country people just stay together instead of getting divorced after 2 years and other stuff like that which made me wonder if she was trying to move towards marriage. I did tell her about the girl who after a month or so wanted marriage and how that was retarded so I hope she got the point there.

But I don't know, we left and I kind of gave her a hug and went to pull her in for a kiss and she giggled and avoided it. Some of the cultural stuff is weird like she kept touching me on the leg, but a simple thing like pulling up the bottom of her pants a little to see a tatoo on her lower leg she was like "nooo" and stopped me.

And with how much she was talking about being alone just with her kids and how her husbands family is good in helping her with that, it all just seemed a little weird for me.

I also get the impression that there may be some weird cultural stuff around sex the way she responded to some things.

I'd love to **** her as she has this really tight body and nice ass. But at this point i'm unsure if i'll actually follow it up. The stuff with her husbands family being around and telling me how family come up from somewhere to stay for the week from all different places it gave me the impression there's always tons of family at her house.. so it's just all the wrong dynamic that I don't want.

It was a fun few hours and I enjoyed talking to her though.

I also have no idea how old she is, I told her i'm 32 and she goes "well i'm 33 then" and laughed her ass off so I have no idea, i'd say around 40 or so.
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Travis
01-20-2017, 12:05 AM (This post was last modified: 01-20-2017 12:09 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #128
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
***** tv shows and their stupid shit. I just watched the latest episode of Lucifer and some of it really stuck out, and like some of it was my own guilt being reflected back. If you're into it and haven't watched the latest episode you may want to avoid the next part.

It's an awesome show, he's like this playboy type that sleeps with all these women. But there's this one woman he's stuck on, a detective he works with. In the episode he had to get all the women he's slept with to goto the police station and there was all these incredibly hot women that showed up saying how amazing he is in bed and it was all good. But then it seemed to try to bring the guilt, because after that they are all like "it's meaningless and I don't care about him" and other bs to try to make anyone who sleeps with alot of women feel bad.

And then even more all of a sudden 2 seasons in it randomly come out that he slept with a few dudes. Another agenda they are trying to push too that I hate.

The detective has avoided all of his advances in the show but they have had a few 'moments' that were interrupted. Then at the end of this episode he does this massive speech how he's not good enough for her and how good she is and that she deserves more and other similar shit. Then she ***** kisses him.

You know the shit that doesn't happen for real. And a playboy who sleeps with all the women like shown in the episode and other episodes who are much higher quality than this detective, who of course like other shows is this aggressive, bitchy woman would not have this crazy thing like that for her when all these other more attractive women are eager to please him without the stupid bitchy attitudes.

The pattern I see in shows is these player characters start off badass then they water them down, try to bring guilt for people who want a similar lifestyle and he always falls in love with some bitchy woman who is less attractive than the others for no real reason.

Californication is a good example. Hank started off badass and slowly become a bit of a pussy as the seasons went on.

Same as Rescue Me. Tommy Gavin is a badass player and a few seasons in become a big pussy and I started losing interest.

I don't know if it's political correctness seeping in as it's after a few years of the shows being on or what it is. But it's ruined alot of shows.

And Nip Tuck. Christian started off as a badass player and then i'm pretty sure they watered him down near the end. I can't really remember, I just remember the last season was so horrible and different that I didn't even finish watching it.

Saying that I wouldn't mind watching some Californication, Rescue Me and Nip Tuck again. Atleast the earlier seasons. If any of you want an example of good player types then the early seasons of these shows are awesome for it.

Anyway, the main point is that this episode of Lucifer stood out and brought up some guilt around wanting to have sex with multiple attractive girls. Kind of like I just watched it at the right time to bring it up, **** it the healing will help deal with it.

One thing that is different for me atleast, that I realized during E2. Is I don't JUST want meaningless sex with nothing else. I also want it to be with girls I enjoy and like in other ways and have more than that. I've enjoyed the last few girls way more because of having that.
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01-20-2017, 12:31 AM
Post: #129
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
I did see that happen in nip/tuck. First with Christian ***** Ava the transsexual who used to be an adept high class gigolo. Then with the whole phallic statue in his condo. And then the attempt at fabricating sexual tension between Christian and McNamara, they were like brothers. At the end of the show it seemed to suggest that for all the womanizing Christian was in the closet.

I really love the show, thus the one that maintained the masculine essence best
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Benjamin
01-20-2017, 06:44 AM
Post: #130
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
(01-20-2017 12:05 AM)Benjamin Wrote:  ***** tv shows and their stupid shit. I just watched the latest episode of Lucifer and some of it really stuck out, and like some of it was my own guilt being reflected back. If you're into it and haven't watched the latest episode you may want to avoid the next part.

It's an awesome show, he's like this playboy type that sleeps with all these women. But there's this one woman he's stuck on, a detective he works with. In the episode he had to get all the women he's slept with to goto the police station and there was all these incredibly hot women that showed up saying how amazing he is in bed and it was all good. But then it seemed to try to bring the guilt, because after that they are all like "it's meaningless and I don't care about him" and other bs to try to make anyone who sleeps with alot of women feel bad.

And then even more all of a sudden 2 seasons in it randomly come out that he slept with a few dudes. Another agenda they are trying to push too that I hate.

The detective has avoided all of his advances in the show but they have had a few 'moments' that were interrupted. Then at the end of this episode he does this massive speech how he's not good enough for her and how good she is and that she deserves more and other similar shit. Then she ***** kisses him.

You know the shit that doesn't happen for real. And a playboy who sleeps with all the women like shown in the episode and other episodes who are much higher quality than this detective, who of course like other shows is this aggressive, bitchy woman would not have this crazy thing like that for her when all these other more attractive women are eager to please him without the stupid bitchy attitudes.

The pattern I see in shows is these player characters start off badass then they water them down, try to bring guilt for people who want a similar lifestyle and he always falls in love with some bitchy woman who is less attractive than the others for no real reason.

Californication is a good example. Hank started off badass and slowly become a bit of a pussy as the seasons went on.

Same as Rescue Me. Tommy Gavin is a badass player and a few seasons in become a big pussy and I started losing interest.

I don't know if it's political correctness seeping in as it's after a few years of the shows being on or what it is. But it's ruined alot of shows.

And Nip Tuck. Christian started off as a badass player and then i'm pretty sure they watered him down near the end. I can't really remember, I just remember the last season was so horrible and different that I didn't even finish watching it.

Saying that I wouldn't mind watching some Californication, Rescue Me and Nip Tuck again. Atleast the earlier seasons. If any of you want an example of good player types then the early seasons of these shows are awesome for it.

Anyway, the main point is that this episode of Lucifer stood out and brought up some guilt around wanting to have sex with multiple attractive girls. Kind of like I just watched it at the right time to bring it up, **** it the healing will help deal with it.

One thing that is different for me atleast, that I realized during E2. Is I don't JUST want meaningless sex with nothing else. I also want it to be with girls I enjoy and like in other ways and have more than that. I've enjoyed the last few girls way more because of having that.



Hahah spot on.

**** these shows too!

They are ***** with our heads.

Turn yours tvs off and become the mofo that you want to see emulated on tv, yourself.

I agree with your points made above.

I am glad I havent caught Rescue me if pussification is the end result of that show.

Nip tuck just lost all of its 1,2,3 season glory after faggit shit started being promoted in the show.

Have you caught that Ashton Kutcher film where he is banging women but then falls in love and loses everything like his life literally turns to shambles and he doesnt even get the female he is in love wth in the end?

Or how about ghosts of girlfriends past?

How about Alfie ?

The level of pussification is laughablE.



So player with many options is INCORRECT.

But player falling in love with bitchy woman is CORRECT?


The **** is this irrational insane shit?



so many examples.
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01-21-2017, 10:33 PM
Post: #131
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Not sure i've seen any of those movies or shows, but yep it's definately a pattern.

Like what the **** is this retarded, crazy, twisted logic they are trying to put over! Anyway, I don't feel like dwelling on it right now so i'll write up some stuff from the weekend instead.
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FREAK4LIFE
01-21-2017, 10:59 PM (This post was last modified: 01-21-2017 11:33 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #132
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
First i'll mention yesterday. Had a dream that was interesting, the part I remember was sitting at a table and some guy asked "can we goto your room alone and you can teach me how to get girls?" like I was some player and I said to him "that isn't a skillset I have" and all these people started laughing.

Then I was embarassed and said "no, I mean i'm just not good with girls." And more laughter. I woke up thinking about how i'm not good with girls haha. Funny how alot of the time people have assumed i'm some player and girls even say it sometimes but it's not true to the level they think. Maybe.. well hopefully it's a part of stepping into that and believing I can be for myself.

Notably I was going to see the girl i've been seeing a few months and I felt really insecure. Weird insecurities I haven't really had about her until now, so something was definately stirred up. Got there and nothing to worry about.

But I was also having these weird fears about sex, that with the extra training i've been doing what if I just don't have a sex drive and such. And for some reason sex wasn't as good this weekend, a few times I just wasn't as hard and I kind of didn't even feel it as much myself like it was kind of numbed and it was a bit like just going through the motions. I have no idea why but it was weird. I just wasn't into it as much as usual.

I mentioned how she went weird after starting DMSI. Well I feel like that has passed and the dynamic is different in a few good ways.

First is she mentioned going to the cinema through the week. Went to see Assassins Creed (awesome movie, definately go see it!). Anyway she got me the ticket, she had a voucher for a free one and a gift card she got for christmas. The voucher couldn't be used on a saturday so she used the card and paid a few dollars as it was over what the card was. I even said "do you want some money?" and she said no. That was cool.

And buying tea to cook, a few times i've brought mince meat and taco kits. Usually she has a couple of them which I don't care as i'm happy for the price of it. Usually she has cheese at home so I don't need to buy that. Well last night notably she said she had a taco kit at home and she brought the meat and cheese so I didn't have to like I have a few times. That was another good difference.

And lastly, is more a mindset shift. Some weekends I go up and see her, other weekends she comes on the train to see me. Well it's usually ended up that I go see her for 2 weekends in a row then she comes down on the train once. Well something shifted in my head and I went there this weekend and then just said to her when I left "you wanna come down on the train to see me next weekend?" just assuming that would happen instead of the pattern of me going there for 2 weekends then her coming on the train once. Cool.

I also noticed a few things, mainly yesterday when I got there and we went to the shopping centre. When i'm with a girl i'm not looking for or caring about interest from girls that are around. Well yesterday I noticed a fair few girls that seemed to be staring and giving me weird looks and in my mind I didn't really know what was going on. It was kind of like "why are they looking at me funny, is there something wrong with me?" which is actually an old pattern/insecurity when I got stuff like this in the past. If girls giggled or laughed when I was walking past i'd assume they were laughing at me to pick on me, or if they are staring at me it would be like "why are they staring at me weird, am I wearing something weird or is there something wrong with me?".

But it's not that and there was too many girls that I noticed it from. Others have mentioned it, but it was kind of they were just staring with a deadpan look which confused me.

Another thing that stood out as a possible internal effect. Is her housemate is being a weirdo. He's the really desperate guy who is with a dodgy girl and after like a month they were professing their love and doing baby talk on facebook. Now she's basically moved in there and he's really whipped and apparently he's starting all these arguments with the girl i'm seeing and doing stupid stuff like "oh my tv is broken" so moved it and the xbox one into his room, but it's most likely the girl he's with because he obviously wanted it out in the lounge before. Anyway his gf also is one of those fuckheads who is like "do this or no sex". Apparently recently he didn't feel like cooking and she's like "if you don't you're not getting laid".

When I heard that I said "I've gotten rid of girls for that kind of shit, sex isn't a weapon it's mutual pleasure". The girl i'm seeing agreed and obviously must have known I wouldn't put up with that anyway, but that just reiterates it to her. Not that she's ever done anything like that to me.

Anyway, she said they are fake friendly and can't say anything then like not long later would send her a message having a go at her for some shit but then are really nice face to face. I seen them and they were friendly, then like 20 minutes later seen them at the shopping centre and they were really weird and standoffish.

I mentioned it to her that they were friendly at the house but weird in the shopping centre and she said "yeah they do that if you see them anywhere else". What the **** retards? Undecided

My main point is that it didn't really effect me. I just talked to them briefly when I seen them and didn't really care either way. Of course I think they are fuckheads now and the first time I met her I predicted all of this in my own mind, but unless they have a go at me or try to start stupid arguments with me I don't care about being polite and just going to do my own thing.

It's mainly the idiot girlfriend as he was cool before and we kind of started to become friends at first until she come along.

EDIT: The girl I slept with 2 weeks ago is still messaging me. She was away this weekend, but messaged me last night saying she had enough and was coming home that night. I suspected it was a hint but of course I was with the other girl so I didn't care much and was just like "I'm going to bed after the movie". One thing I have noticed though, I mentioned how sexual she was in messages with the doing her on the table stuff and her telling me how good she is at sucking cock but now when I say something a little bit sexual she doesn't go with it or say much. It's strange. Obviously she likes me and wants to see me again because when I said i'm seeing Assassins Creed (I didn't say with who) she's like "Oh I thought I was going to see that with you."
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01-21-2017, 11:28 PM (This post was last modified: Yesterday 01:07 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #133
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Oh and this is some kind of attempted escape, some kind of resistance.. but i've been lacking the drive to work that I had in the first week and i've been wanting to just randomly buy a ps4 as there's a few games that aren't on pc and wanting to just sit there for like a week and play them.

Weird because I never really cared about the new consoles, the only reason I was going to get one was for Red Dead Redemption 2 when it comes out.

Even more I even had the thought of taking the week off the gym to do so. WTF. I'll only do that at the end of this program though.

I've been resisting the urge but it's just getting stronger. Final Fantasy IV, Infamous Second Son, Yakuza Zero are 3 games I want. I'm not feeling depressed or anything but I seriously could see myself buying one and spending almost all of next week playing it, I haven't done that for a while. The last game I played non stop was Fallout 4.

Though the other thing is around the end of February til the end of March several awesome games come out. Torment Tides Of Numenera, Tom Clancys Wildlands, Mass Effect Andromedia. All big games that if they are good i'll put a whole lot of hours into.

EDIT: Interesting, I thought I was feeling fine today other than tiredness. Just finished my loops after getting home and a ton of sadness come up again and now i'm feeling horrible.
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Yesterday, 05:58 PM (This post was last modified: Yesterday 07:36 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #134
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
Had a dream last night where these 2 girls were all over me, but there was something stopping us. I think it was that we were somewhere and people were watching. I'm pretty sure I was kissing one, the other one got naked and stood in front of me but then all of a sudden was like "Oh I have to go, I can't do this" and I went over and whispered to her that she has a nice pussy.. that's all I remember.

I woke up thinking it was a good sign, but unfortunately don't remember more about the dream. There may be some guilt too as I still have some guilt around being with girls younger than me at times.

Today I really just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing, except for play some games. No good ones on pc at the moment so that takes me back to the wanting to buy a PS4. In the mood i'm in it's possible I may go buy one after the gym but i'm trying to resist doing so as it will only be temporary feeling good.

Also the sadness is coming up again. It's been coming and going since the night I had that disturbing dream, i'm noticing it the most when i'm listening to DMSI.

I don't even want to leave the house, after all my drive and desire to workout and doing extra the last 3 weeks today I don't even want to goto the gym. WTF.

On a sidenote I do feel like i'm looking better physically since starting DMSI and getting refocused at the gym and doing the extra exercise class. It would make sense that DMSI has been guiding me to do more so I look better physically, but today it's like "**** this I want to do nothing and play some games".
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Aventus45
Today, 04:22 AM
Post: #135
RE: The Beast Is Back! (DMSI 3.0.1a)
A couple of other random things.

When I had coffee with the indonesian I was sitting on a couch and shes like "whats that" and pointed at my stomach. I dont have a ripped stomach because of the skin frim losing weight and she was trying to make a thing about it like "you really have to deal with that". I thought it was dumb but I was okay in the moment just said why I had it and that I wish I didnt. I didnt think it affected me but I noticed at the gym today there was a cute girl next to me and I was getting insecure about my stomach. The way I was lifting the barbell you could see it. Obviously I look ripped normally for the indonesian girl to not notice before.

Its one of the insecurities that holds me back with the really attractive girls. Thinking im still too fat when im really not. And I also realized not to listen to her when she said I should be 70kg. **** no.. im 88kg and when I was 78kg I was too skinny. I like the weight im at.. just want less fat. The main point is I hope DMSI makes me not care about how my stomach is. As the girls ive been with dont actually care.. its mainly my own bs.

The other thing is something else I noticed with the girl on the weekend. Several times we just went straight into sex. When I first got there she just stripped off and was already really wet. And a couple of other times. Though one there was buildup from teasing her when we were out.

But it did strike me as different.. alot of the times its been like that with her even on E2.. she just gets naked and we get into it. But it seemed even more this time.

I wonder if anyone else has noticed that with DMSI.
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