March 11, 2023
2nd listening day
Lots of continual awarenesses have been happening, and I just saw something that I wish to air and poke at.
I realized my one main reason for writing online over the years was to seek help from another male. I grew up the youngest of 3 boys, and I was closest to my middle brother. We never saw or heard from our father, but we all craved some confirmation that our needs to be fathered were real. I tried to fill this with my brother, but he was a kid himself. Still, I've sought others to fill this role in my life, over and over again, through the years since my brother left home without notice when I was a young teenager.
That void I've been trying to fill. I did grieve some of it years back (~2004) at a men's healing conference. I just believe I'm still holding on to something. I keep trying to live in this loop of denial--that's it right there. I keep circling around an old belief of "I don't want to grow up", and I'm hoping someone, someone from my past (my brother) will come and save me from reality.
That's what's on my mind. I could erase this, but that belief is what I keep repeating year after year. This is on my mind today. I'm glad I wrote this morning, as I held back initially since all I kept imagining was complete bullshit fluff.
2nd listening day
Lots of continual awarenesses have been happening, and I just saw something that I wish to air and poke at.
I realized my one main reason for writing online over the years was to seek help from another male. I grew up the youngest of 3 boys, and I was closest to my middle brother. We never saw or heard from our father, but we all craved some confirmation that our needs to be fathered were real. I tried to fill this with my brother, but he was a kid himself. Still, I've sought others to fill this role in my life, over and over again, through the years since my brother left home without notice when I was a young teenager.
That void I've been trying to fill. I did grieve some of it years back (~2004) at a men's healing conference. I just believe I'm still holding on to something. I keep trying to live in this loop of denial--that's it right there. I keep circling around an old belief of "I don't want to grow up", and I'm hoping someone, someone from my past (my brother) will come and save me from reality.
That's what's on my mind. I could erase this, but that belief is what I keep repeating year after year. This is on my mind today. I'm glad I wrote this morning, as I held back initially since all I kept imagining was complete bullshit fluff.
I want to be FREE!
