02-18-2023, 02:39 PM
Feb. 18, 2023
2nd rest day
I had quite a dramatic morning in my head, even on day 2 of my 3-day rest.
A week back my sister included me in on a birthday dinner planned for tonight (Saturday the 18th), and I agreed to it. But while starting work this morning, I actually began thinking about it. Something hit me hard, so that's why it stayed on my mind. I realized it'd be me, her, her daughter, and her ex-boyfriend, which is no big deal. But she was just proposed to by her new boyfriend, and she said yes. However, her ex is clueless to her even having a boyfriend, which thickens the plot.
What I envisioned was not unlike my growing-up years, completely filled with fear and an imminent threat of verbal slice and dice if we somehow.....were ourselves. Something in my brain said "F*** NO!! Not doing that!" FYI, I texted her saying I was bowing out. I just said I was not in a good spot today.
Now, I've blamed my sister numerous times for her bad attitudes. But near the end of my work shift, I owned the truth that I am carrying resentments, and THAT'S why I get anxious and angry when thinking about spending time with her. Though her resentments are on full display any time of the day, my resentments are hidden from myself most of the time. She mirrors something back which makes me anxious. So, I wondered why I was resentful
First, I've been a fearful yes-man to her a lot in our adult years. She's always used fear of her getting angry to eke compliance out of me. This morning, that "HELL NO!!" came up out of my heart and soul. The same dysfunction of fear and manipulation used by my mom is used by my sister, and re-entering that fricked-up reality is not something I'm willing to do.
Secondly, I also realized I've complied due to a very common fear for yes-men: a fear of being abandoned. Yes-men are famous for saying yes since it alleviates that fear. I felt fear, anger, and some grief beforehand, but I bowed out. I just didn't want to mindf*** myself.
And concerning resentments, why do I have them? I easily saw why. Because I have had expectations of her. I've been failed numerous times, but they still exist. I expect her to be nice (she isn't), I expect her to be loving (no there too), and anything warm and caring. Nope. Nada. And she's not the problem!
My expectations are. They keep me embittered. They invite cynicism about others being loving. Damn unrealistic expectations. It puts ALL the power in her hands. They remind me of other expectations not met, both new and old. (Note to @Shannon: could "not holding unreasonable expectations of others" be put into Self Improvement?)
This is an all-or-nothing mentality. Right or Wrong. Good or Bad. No middle ground. No grey area at all. And maybe.....it's a reaction from trauma, like trauma memories all point to all-or-nothing solutions, but often don't work. They often keep me avoiding it, ignoring it, or blaming others to put the focus on them and not myself. I'm thinking my trauma memories are real fresh when around her.
I'll stop there for now.
2nd rest day
I had quite a dramatic morning in my head, even on day 2 of my 3-day rest.
A week back my sister included me in on a birthday dinner planned for tonight (Saturday the 18th), and I agreed to it. But while starting work this morning, I actually began thinking about it. Something hit me hard, so that's why it stayed on my mind. I realized it'd be me, her, her daughter, and her ex-boyfriend, which is no big deal. But she was just proposed to by her new boyfriend, and she said yes. However, her ex is clueless to her even having a boyfriend, which thickens the plot.
What I envisioned was not unlike my growing-up years, completely filled with fear and an imminent threat of verbal slice and dice if we somehow.....were ourselves. Something in my brain said "F*** NO!! Not doing that!" FYI, I texted her saying I was bowing out. I just said I was not in a good spot today.
Now, I've blamed my sister numerous times for her bad attitudes. But near the end of my work shift, I owned the truth that I am carrying resentments, and THAT'S why I get anxious and angry when thinking about spending time with her. Though her resentments are on full display any time of the day, my resentments are hidden from myself most of the time. She mirrors something back which makes me anxious. So, I wondered why I was resentful
First, I've been a fearful yes-man to her a lot in our adult years. She's always used fear of her getting angry to eke compliance out of me. This morning, that "HELL NO!!" came up out of my heart and soul. The same dysfunction of fear and manipulation used by my mom is used by my sister, and re-entering that fricked-up reality is not something I'm willing to do.
Secondly, I also realized I've complied due to a very common fear for yes-men: a fear of being abandoned. Yes-men are famous for saying yes since it alleviates that fear. I felt fear, anger, and some grief beforehand, but I bowed out. I just didn't want to mindf*** myself.
And concerning resentments, why do I have them? I easily saw why. Because I have had expectations of her. I've been failed numerous times, but they still exist. I expect her to be nice (she isn't), I expect her to be loving (no there too), and anything warm and caring. Nope. Nada. And she's not the problem!
My expectations are. They keep me embittered. They invite cynicism about others being loving. Damn unrealistic expectations. It puts ALL the power in her hands. They remind me of other expectations not met, both new and old. (Note to @Shannon: could "not holding unreasonable expectations of others" be put into Self Improvement?)
This is an all-or-nothing mentality. Right or Wrong. Good or Bad. No middle ground. No grey area at all. And maybe.....it's a reaction from trauma, like trauma memories all point to all-or-nothing solutions, but often don't work. They often keep me avoiding it, ignoring it, or blaming others to put the focus on them and not myself. I'm thinking my trauma memories are real fresh when around her.
I'll stop there for now.
I want to be FREE!
