02-11-2023, 08:55 AM
Feb. 11, 2023
Something happened just minutes ago and I'm going to share it. In my last post I shared that that defensive (resentful) bite in me was losing power. Some came back up this morning.
I've been up a while and have been looking to chill. What I've actually looked for was some place to hide out mentally. I read a news site I frequent for a while, but only so much of that is tolerable. I finally thought of watching a romance flick, a normal hideout for me.
And when I pulled up a flick I wanted to watch, I felt that resentful bite in my gut. I'm going to just spit out my thoughts now.
I'm seeing my mom in the house where my brother left. I was around 12 years old. I distinctly feel and remember me pushing down my own needs to.....wow....earn her love. In the exact same way I still do today (with EVERYBODY), I was loving her first, praying and pretending she'd love me back. It never worked.
That resentment is still alive. I'm thinking of yesterday working with my female coworker. I was treating her like I treated my mom. My resentment popped up early in the morning, and it scared me.
I felt it, and the fear overrode my logic. Fear has always suppressed my truth. So I followed her script a lot.
That's why I've been "nice" to everybody. I just haven't trusted it. There are always expectations for others to give, and it's a rigged, losing game. Resentments always bubble up, and I distance myself from those individuals.
I need to process this.
Something happened just minutes ago and I'm going to share it. In my last post I shared that that defensive (resentful) bite in me was losing power. Some came back up this morning.
I've been up a while and have been looking to chill. What I've actually looked for was some place to hide out mentally. I read a news site I frequent for a while, but only so much of that is tolerable. I finally thought of watching a romance flick, a normal hideout for me.
And when I pulled up a flick I wanted to watch, I felt that resentful bite in my gut. I'm going to just spit out my thoughts now.
I'm seeing my mom in the house where my brother left. I was around 12 years old. I distinctly feel and remember me pushing down my own needs to.....wow....earn her love. In the exact same way I still do today (with EVERYBODY), I was loving her first, praying and pretending she'd love me back. It never worked.
That resentment is still alive. I'm thinking of yesterday working with my female coworker. I was treating her like I treated my mom. My resentment popped up early in the morning, and it scared me.
I felt it, and the fear overrode my logic. Fear has always suppressed my truth. So I followed her script a lot.
That's why I've been "nice" to everybody. I just haven't trusted it. There are always expectations for others to give, and it's a rigged, losing game. Resentments always bubble up, and I distance myself from those individuals.
I need to process this.
I want to be FREE!
