02-03-2023, 02:45 AM
Feb. 3, 2023
1st Cycle, 2nd rest day
I had 2 experiences showing E5 is quite active yesterday. I both wanted and didn't want to write this morning--as guilt, shame, and fear have been trying to put me back in old places. Hell no.
I had a major mental shift happen yesterday while at work. I suddenly became quite hostile to being dismissed and looked down upon due to me having chosen to not move up in my company. I began seeing and feeling a lot of this from the head boss on down, and I quickly became aware how much I'd dismissed it and rationalized it away. In short, I felt I'd finally grown some nads after allowing judgments and pity for so long. It was assertiveness with a kick. No damage to relationships or my job, though I imagined telling the boss and others I was done a few times.
I'm just tired of accepting shit treatment. Me taking action is a cure for that. And while I was feeling this all yesterday, I was imagining me not being the walked-on Nice Guy anymore. I know you put new goals in Shannon, so thank you!
Secondly, I had an experience at home which was strange and awesome.
I wanted to watch a movie so I could hide in a fantasy, a romance flick. When I saw the title, I recognized it, but could not remember anything about it (and I actually watched this about 2 weeks back). I started it, and it was unfamiliar. My normal mental happening is that when I remember that mental feel-good feeling, I'll hang on to it and hide in it. But this never happened. And I noticed it.
I slowly began remembering the plot, but very slowly. My normal mentality when seeking to hide is just that. My mind was not in the same place at all. While writing this I'm realizing I've been desperate to hide out from life for years, and E5 is not allowing this full-time fantasy. I'm still experiencing this detaching from fantasy now, so explaining more seems fruitless. But major changes are happening in my life.
Gotta get up now and get ready for work. I have no idea what to expect
1st Cycle, 2nd rest day
I had 2 experiences showing E5 is quite active yesterday. I both wanted and didn't want to write this morning--as guilt, shame, and fear have been trying to put me back in old places. Hell no.
I had a major mental shift happen yesterday while at work. I suddenly became quite hostile to being dismissed and looked down upon due to me having chosen to not move up in my company. I began seeing and feeling a lot of this from the head boss on down, and I quickly became aware how much I'd dismissed it and rationalized it away. In short, I felt I'd finally grown some nads after allowing judgments and pity for so long. It was assertiveness with a kick. No damage to relationships or my job, though I imagined telling the boss and others I was done a few times.
I'm just tired of accepting shit treatment. Me taking action is a cure for that. And while I was feeling this all yesterday, I was imagining me not being the walked-on Nice Guy anymore. I know you put new goals in Shannon, so thank you!
Secondly, I had an experience at home which was strange and awesome.
I wanted to watch a movie so I could hide in a fantasy, a romance flick. When I saw the title, I recognized it, but could not remember anything about it (and I actually watched this about 2 weeks back). I started it, and it was unfamiliar. My normal mental happening is that when I remember that mental feel-good feeling, I'll hang on to it and hide in it. But this never happened. And I noticed it.
I slowly began remembering the plot, but very slowly. My normal mentality when seeking to hide is just that. My mind was not in the same place at all. While writing this I'm realizing I've been desperate to hide out from life for years, and E5 is not allowing this full-time fantasy. I'm still experiencing this detaching from fantasy now, so explaining more seems fruitless. But major changes are happening in my life.
Gotta get up now and get ready for work. I have no idea what to expect
I want to be FREE!
