01-29-2023, 10:16 AM
Jan. 29, 2023
Last rest day
I was reading ReconGunner's E5 journal this morning, and something happened during a pause I took. It's worth noting since I've noticed this before. I'm trying to be open to truths in my life.
Well, I'd been reading about half an hour already, trying to sit in his shoes and see his perspective. The main thing I was drawn toward was his truthfulness with himself. In comparison, due to some strong fear I've held to, that truthfulness (to myself first) has been a major tripping point for me. Like my internal conversation wants some honesty, but truly is afraid I'll open some doorway perceived as painful and dangerous. Like it's the end of something from my past (Did I just write that??)
Well, onto this morning. I took a break to get some coffee and breakfast, and (away from my laptop) my mind began coming up with truths of my emotional history here, on other forums, and undoubtedly in real life. I've had this very small tolerance for people getting close to me and some non-productive truths I hang to. And........it's with males mostly. I've had this belief "I will be hurt". People will respond or reach out to me, and an internal fear will rise up, calling on my self-constructed barriers. In short, they all say "Stay back! Not interested! Stay away! Stay away! Get BACK!!!"
I acted it out before, in every known atmosphere. I've been living like this for decades, and the awareness is evident since I'm challenging it.
And tagged right with that fear is an old habit that I noticed shortly after that awareness. I learned that playing weak, clueless, or helpless would invite someone else to fix my problems. In a sentence, I knew how to play a quiet victim. Shannon articulated this well when he explained a victim's pattern in Overcome the Victim Mentality, and that is also a strong motivation to choose E5. I'll be in a challenge seemingly bigger than me, and that choice always shows itself. "Do I take action, or do I want to act helpless and invite some rescue?"
I've had very positive experiences when using IML subs and realizing "I could DO something else......!" New thoughts breed new choices which breed new outcomes. I'll choose that, as the victim mentality breeds a lot (I mean a LOT) of self-doubt. And doubts bleed into all my daily decisions. It lowers self-esteem very quickly.
So, I'll leave that here. I intend to do 2 loops of E5 masked tomorrow before work. I wake up extra early anyways, so it's nothing new. I'd like to experiment with hybrid soon enough, but I wish to start slowly and sanely. I used E4 successfully with masked last week.
Last rest day
I was reading ReconGunner's E5 journal this morning, and something happened during a pause I took. It's worth noting since I've noticed this before. I'm trying to be open to truths in my life.
Well, I'd been reading about half an hour already, trying to sit in his shoes and see his perspective. The main thing I was drawn toward was his truthfulness with himself. In comparison, due to some strong fear I've held to, that truthfulness (to myself first) has been a major tripping point for me. Like my internal conversation wants some honesty, but truly is afraid I'll open some doorway perceived as painful and dangerous. Like it's the end of something from my past (Did I just write that??)
Well, onto this morning. I took a break to get some coffee and breakfast, and (away from my laptop) my mind began coming up with truths of my emotional history here, on other forums, and undoubtedly in real life. I've had this very small tolerance for people getting close to me and some non-productive truths I hang to. And........it's with males mostly. I've had this belief "I will be hurt". People will respond or reach out to me, and an internal fear will rise up, calling on my self-constructed barriers. In short, they all say "Stay back! Not interested! Stay away! Stay away! Get BACK!!!"
I acted it out before, in every known atmosphere. I've been living like this for decades, and the awareness is evident since I'm challenging it.
And tagged right with that fear is an old habit that I noticed shortly after that awareness. I learned that playing weak, clueless, or helpless would invite someone else to fix my problems. In a sentence, I knew how to play a quiet victim. Shannon articulated this well when he explained a victim's pattern in Overcome the Victim Mentality, and that is also a strong motivation to choose E5. I'll be in a challenge seemingly bigger than me, and that choice always shows itself. "Do I take action, or do I want to act helpless and invite some rescue?"
I've had very positive experiences when using IML subs and realizing "I could DO something else......!" New thoughts breed new choices which breed new outcomes. I'll choose that, as the victim mentality breeds a lot (I mean a LOT) of self-doubt. And doubts bleed into all my daily decisions. It lowers self-esteem very quickly.
So, I'll leave that here. I intend to do 2 loops of E5 masked tomorrow before work. I wake up extra early anyways, so it's nothing new. I'd like to experiment with hybrid soon enough, but I wish to start slowly and sanely. I used E4 successfully with masked last week.
I want to be FREE!
