05-30-2014, 09:43 AM
So I'd thought I touch on a few things that I feel like the EPRH sub has touched on. First one is, opportunities. It's weird, but my life feels like it's in complete chaos but I'm fortunate enough to have opportunities pop up that help me out. Looking back it kind of feels like a weird kind of safety net thing. No matter how badly I'm screwing up, it's like there's always something that can help me out. For example, I recently went out to California for about a week to visit a friend. I feel like this sub really pushed me to make that journey in order to grow because I've never traveled that far in my life. I live in NY, so it was cool checking out the west coast. It wasn't a life altering experience, but I feel like it helped me out a bit. But the trip cost me money and I was worried about my savings running low. It just so happened a short job opportunity watching some dogs for a week popped up and that covered my travel expenses. Little things like that where it works out are always welcome.
Now for the problem area with self growth and subs in general. I realized that I do have issues with getting better with regards to my depression and anxiety. I think part of this is I don't have a memory of not being this way, so it's hard for me to understand what an improved version of myself would be like. So far in the past my main way of combating this was the fake it till you make it attitude. Which doesn't work. And worst of all I lost sense of who I was as a person because I was just covering it up. Also I managed to get really good at surface level relationships where people liked my persona, but as soon as they wanted to get to know me more I'd withdraw because I was terrified of them seeing the real me. And I still suck at that, I'll consistently find myself taking on that persona and then realizing I'm not being authentic. But to be fair, I think it stems from that anxiety and the fight or flight response, it triggers a kind of acutely aware paranoid state where I'm analyzing people and preparing to defend myself. And there is A LOT of projection going on, to the point where my mind starts weaving these interpretations that aren't even close to the reality of the situation.
With that being said, I have this deep gut level feeling of nausea or something when I think of running a sub. And I think it stems from the fact that I want to change, but I'm having trouble and every perceived failure is my fault. It's like a real slap in the face when I run a sub for a good 3 months or something and still find myself battling with the same issues I faced years ago. It just feels like I'll always be battling with this and never find relief and that's a horrible feeling. Mostly because life goes on and I have to deal with it, but every day that passes it just all feels so wrong and I just know something is wrong.
This comic sums up how I feel a lot of the time
I've also realized I tend to suppress those feelings a lot which leads to a numb state where I don't feel the bad feelings as much, but the good is also muted. Lately I've been breaking out of that. Part of the problem is years of the same recurring problem and no way to express that to people. Mostly because when I do it turns into a list of shoulds and people thinking they understand when they don't. So instead of getting support it just turns into this guilt and shame ridden state where I feel worse because I shouldn't be feeling that way and it's negative. So I guess I really have to work on opening myself up to whatever it is I'm feeling, but at the same time not get carried away into a negative thinking loop.
Now for the problem area with self growth and subs in general. I realized that I do have issues with getting better with regards to my depression and anxiety. I think part of this is I don't have a memory of not being this way, so it's hard for me to understand what an improved version of myself would be like. So far in the past my main way of combating this was the fake it till you make it attitude. Which doesn't work. And worst of all I lost sense of who I was as a person because I was just covering it up. Also I managed to get really good at surface level relationships where people liked my persona, but as soon as they wanted to get to know me more I'd withdraw because I was terrified of them seeing the real me. And I still suck at that, I'll consistently find myself taking on that persona and then realizing I'm not being authentic. But to be fair, I think it stems from that anxiety and the fight or flight response, it triggers a kind of acutely aware paranoid state where I'm analyzing people and preparing to defend myself. And there is A LOT of projection going on, to the point where my mind starts weaving these interpretations that aren't even close to the reality of the situation.
With that being said, I have this deep gut level feeling of nausea or something when I think of running a sub. And I think it stems from the fact that I want to change, but I'm having trouble and every perceived failure is my fault. It's like a real slap in the face when I run a sub for a good 3 months or something and still find myself battling with the same issues I faced years ago. It just feels like I'll always be battling with this and never find relief and that's a horrible feeling. Mostly because life goes on and I have to deal with it, but every day that passes it just all feels so wrong and I just know something is wrong.
This comic sums up how I feel a lot of the time
I've also realized I tend to suppress those feelings a lot which leads to a numb state where I don't feel the bad feelings as much, but the good is also muted. Lately I've been breaking out of that. Part of the problem is years of the same recurring problem and no way to express that to people. Mostly because when I do it turns into a list of shoulds and people thinking they understand when they don't. So instead of getting support it just turns into this guilt and shame ridden state where I feel worse because I shouldn't be feeling that way and it's negative. So I guess I really have to work on opening myself up to whatever it is I'm feeling, but at the same time not get carried away into a negative thinking loop.
