03-28-2024, 07:28 PM
Day 46,
I've turned some corners, but these are double-edged swords.
I'm realizing that I might have overvalued the importance of my martial arts.
Yes, make yourself sharp and prepared, but beyond an effective dose, there's no use in dumping in dozens of hours for the sake of competition and being 'the best', especially when I have other priorities and don't want to potentially spend months recovering from a single-day event; I've resisted those feelings and made excuses, but I think that this realization was probably the real reason.
I see guys in their 30s heavy into Jiu Jitsu training and competitions, and while that's cool, I wonder what inner glory they're fighting for. One of them was a high-school wrestler, so it might relate to reliving that high. Sure, it's fun, but what does it culminate to? A tougher opponent in a further place, who is younger and hungrier than you? If that's the point, I don't see the point. I'm considering taking a couple of months off of BJJ to focus on writing some books, but that might also be the blue belt blues talking, and four hours of weekly mat time is not too much trouble.
That's my other point; I've been evaluating: what is the thing that I am uniquely equipped to do? Something that few other people on this planet have the unique skillset and willingness to fulfill?
I could do 20 weekly hours of BJJ practice and wreck my body (since 5-6 weekly is often too much) and be middle of the pack for some obscure BJJ division.
OR, I could pursue computational analysis (and data visualization) of political rhetoric; though it's a mouthful of a title, I could dedicate the next two decades towards that and not get too bored about it. Heck, I've already written books about it.
Furthermore, the source of my sense of urgency for getting all of my projects done was probably deep insecurity; I don't feel that same urgency anymore. The need to achieve by a certain timeline so that I could display my successes, and probably all of that just to indicate to my peers - especially high school peers - that I wasn't just some big loser after all.
Haven't posted my music/guitar playing on social media for about 6 months; haven't even practiced guitar with any fervor for the previous month. No real motivation to pursue my decade long music goal involving singing. Also lost that motivation to work on a half-decade long potential project involving music and athleticism.
I will probably required something positive such as Ultra Success to regain that internal motivation after all of those entangled feelings (of fear/shame mixed in with my goals) have been disentangled.
I'm even beyond the need for women to like me or validate me. I'm 32 now and there's a reasonable window for finding a spouse and having kids; any later and kids are tough on your energy levels/long-term money planning.
I hadn't really considered the long-term relationships, and just focused on hooking up. I was quite detached, in part because I've seen today's marriage as an easy way to transfer your money and assets to one's ex-wife when it inevitably (statistically) goes south.
Overall, these things - martial arts, musical skill, women - were mechanisms to fulfil something in me. Ultimately, I believe that I've chosen to validate myself with my own self.
I do still get satisfaction from my career, but that's because it's very relevant to my purpose and long-term goals, which are not as much related to validation.
I've turned some corners, but these are double-edged swords.
I'm realizing that I might have overvalued the importance of my martial arts.
Yes, make yourself sharp and prepared, but beyond an effective dose, there's no use in dumping in dozens of hours for the sake of competition and being 'the best', especially when I have other priorities and don't want to potentially spend months recovering from a single-day event; I've resisted those feelings and made excuses, but I think that this realization was probably the real reason.
I see guys in their 30s heavy into Jiu Jitsu training and competitions, and while that's cool, I wonder what inner glory they're fighting for. One of them was a high-school wrestler, so it might relate to reliving that high. Sure, it's fun, but what does it culminate to? A tougher opponent in a further place, who is younger and hungrier than you? If that's the point, I don't see the point. I'm considering taking a couple of months off of BJJ to focus on writing some books, but that might also be the blue belt blues talking, and four hours of weekly mat time is not too much trouble.
That's my other point; I've been evaluating: what is the thing that I am uniquely equipped to do? Something that few other people on this planet have the unique skillset and willingness to fulfill?
I could do 20 weekly hours of BJJ practice and wreck my body (since 5-6 weekly is often too much) and be middle of the pack for some obscure BJJ division.
OR, I could pursue computational analysis (and data visualization) of political rhetoric; though it's a mouthful of a title, I could dedicate the next two decades towards that and not get too bored about it. Heck, I've already written books about it.
Furthermore, the source of my sense of urgency for getting all of my projects done was probably deep insecurity; I don't feel that same urgency anymore. The need to achieve by a certain timeline so that I could display my successes, and probably all of that just to indicate to my peers - especially high school peers - that I wasn't just some big loser after all.
Haven't posted my music/guitar playing on social media for about 6 months; haven't even practiced guitar with any fervor for the previous month. No real motivation to pursue my decade long music goal involving singing. Also lost that motivation to work on a half-decade long potential project involving music and athleticism.
I will probably required something positive such as Ultra Success to regain that internal motivation after all of those entangled feelings (of fear/shame mixed in with my goals) have been disentangled.
I'm even beyond the need for women to like me or validate me. I'm 32 now and there's a reasonable window for finding a spouse and having kids; any later and kids are tough on your energy levels/long-term money planning.
I hadn't really considered the long-term relationships, and just focused on hooking up. I was quite detached, in part because I've seen today's marriage as an easy way to transfer your money and assets to one's ex-wife when it inevitably (statistically) goes south.
Overall, these things - martial arts, musical skill, women - were mechanisms to fulfil something in me. Ultimately, I believe that I've chosen to validate myself with my own self.
I do still get satisfaction from my career, but that's because it's very relevant to my purpose and long-term goals, which are not as much related to validation.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
