Transcendental Sith Lord's UMSv2 Journal/ Few weeks of E5

[DarthXedonias]

Quick update before I got to work for the night.

Turned out the girl I mentioned didn't actually block me. We did have one thing happen though where she said something she shouldn't have, realized it, then deleted the messages but it was already too late. Wrote a long message then basically blocked her. That wasn't the end though as she went to her friend and borrowed her phone to contact me on whatsapp and begged me to forgive her and unblock her. I did after a talking to and then I gave her another talking to a bit later (more of a heart felt one). The thing is with this chick is that she isn't a bad woman per say the problem comes in how she handles disappointment, etc. Its like when that happens she does have the impulse control and stuff flies out of her mouth without thinking about it then afterwards she might realize what she did. I gave her one more chance but after this no more. I have too many options now and honestly I think that's part of the reason why she tries to be more careful a little bit though she is still working on it.

Its funny I think I am the only guy that has ever treated her this way and not put up with her shit. Its comical at times. The funny part was I think at one point she mentioned how she could easily get guys if she wanted, blah blah blah and then as soon as I blocked her later she came running back to beg for forgiveness. Basically all talk but when you call her bluff she ain't anything. She is just a scared little girl pretty much. I'm guessing because she is used to that working on guys and lesser men caving to her I guess. Either way she has one more chance to clean up or I'm gone.

I'm happy to say I took my final test for a course and passed the first time. So I basically have 17 courses left in the degree which given my new found determination I have no issue studying now and actually look forward to it. I really will see how much I can get through of the remainder in a month. To be honest even though the current job pays well it is really boring to me now. It seems I am fully committed to the work in my field now. I now know all I have to do is just keep on trying and moving forward. As long as I don't give up I will reach my goal in this field.

Also one other important thing has happened and I now realize what has been happening the past few days. I don't know why but it felt like all the fragments of what has been going through my mind the past few days finally coalesced into something meaningful. I now more fully understand what I need to do. I also realize my mind is pushing me towards self mastery and to enforce order upon chaos in my mind. Though there are parts of my mind , I assume the basic and primitive instincts, that are inherently chaotic within my mind. These are also the darker parts of the mind it would seem. It seems for these you can't enforce order on to them "but" you can guide the chaos a bit. Like the path of rocks guides a stream of water down the hill. Of course as I realized in that analogy the water does end up wearing down the rocks. So in this case you need extreme self control and willpower to control that section of the mind but staying too long in there does wear down the will. So best not to stay in those parts of the mind as I did experience later today when i realized I could access these parts of the mind more easily.

I realized why as well. The fear is not there. I realized in order to direct any part of yourself having no fear is important because that part of the mind will use that fear as a gateway or method of control. Regardless I can kind of see why I am being pushed in this direction of self mastery over all aspects of myself mentally. Some level of self mastery and self discipline is necessary in order to achieve great things. All I feel this this feeling for more growth and to go deeper. I desire it more than anything at the moment so that I might become what I need to become, in the right time and place, so that I might get what it is that I want in this life. I realize now this impacts even further those who get what they want from those who don't get what they want. Those that get what they want generally are willing to do things they don't even like to do, to even face their own weaknesses and fears in order to get what they want. They are hungry enough for it to say to hell to anything that gets in their way.

Its funny because even though I love the women I am with right now and they are really loyal and loving. Despite all that if I were to lose them (as in we broke up, etc) so that I might accomplish my life goals then so be it. I realize I don't need some women to complete me. I am already complete and moving towards better and better levels of myself. All I have is this all consume desire to move forward no matter the obstacles. Fear, pain, sufferings they are not things to be cowered from they are things meant to be overcome and I will overcome them regardless. I will run to them if I have to if I know overcoming them will make me better than I was. I feel truly alive for once in my life. For most of my life I felt like an empty husks but now I truly desire something. I desire growth, strength, tenacity, self discipline, self mastery, and power. If I need to suffer for those then so be it.