DMSI 3.2A and B: Time for Change

[findingme]

I couldn't be alone in this.......but I'll write and maybe find something I'm hiding from.

I was writing a member here, as I'd not checked any journals in like 3 days. For the entire week and more before this, I'd check the forum out multiple times daily.

The truth--which I've known for almost this whole period: I was lonely.

I'm starting DMSI this Friday, I was trying to live in "other people's worlds", and a feeling of shame came on me. Just like with people F2F, when I feel like I'm only there "to take" something from them (a smile, compliment, etc.), I've been feeling rather uneasy doing so.

I know deep inside my truth (at this point now) is not so socially attractive. I feel I'm grieving over something, and I did some yesterday while working. I knew I was angry again, but realized I was hiding in it by blaming OTHERS again, and I deep down wanted freedom from it. While only thinking about it, I did cry twice, and not long at all. It just confirmed I'm grieving. I'm letting something go.

Anger surfaced during those last words. Not true anger, not at all. It was the same I felt yesterday, fighting not to let go of my old entirely submissive, passive, "save my ass" self. It was useful for many years. But always hurtful to someone in the end (I always felt it).

As I'm writing I'm knowing I did this while married. I didn't want to feel MY pain or know MY truths. So, I'd start a fight, make her cry, and even feel bad about that. Relieved too, for the focus was OFF me and on her, so I then went into compassion mode (f***** up I know). I'm with noone now relationally, so I start fights with coworkers (all in my head--ALL. I'd be scared s***less to even verbally fight with a man). And depending who I'm working with, I begin (most days) listening to the bitching department in my head. I felt empowered since THEY were on trial--not ME. This is embarrassing as ****, and I've been doing this for years.

Grieving now. Frustrated by my words not touching the core, I felt hurt and angry, and tears finally pushed out. Only seconds worth.

But I'm writing here, hoping to both release my pain, AND push it away so I won't know about it. This is what I've done multiple years. This is my daily hell, my "YES!!" right next to my "NOO!!". I'm hoping DMSI will help me make sense to me. 3 more days.

EDIT: I just showered, cleaning today's stuff away. I realized I've relied on shame and fear both, intermittenly, to save me from imagined dangers. If I'm afraid, but unwilling to admit it to myself, I seriously look for something else. Got it! SHAME!! I'll imagine the same scenarios again, this time hinged on shame. Shame is very very powerful, so I've used it to back up my fear claims. It's led to more shame, but.....it saved my ass in the moment. Shame has had more of a grip in recent years compared to prior decades. Like it was my life vs. I have a life. UD was the main tool to shake this BS up, for it always depended on lies.

[findingme]

Something I'm facing more and more: do I need to have other people love me to love myself?

I know I've written it lately, and it's still digging. Like I should write here to receive love; as I have no other outlets (places I can go to feel loved). I feel I'm trying to fill in a long-standing hole. I've done it on 2 other forums over the last 15 years.

I'm going to work now. ......... I tend to close down one area of possible love when my needs are being filled elsewhere. I'm saddened since I've gotten "love" (attention) there, but........ I'm afraid of it. Goes back to my brother, me fearing he'll leave and I'll hurt again. But I hurt anyway. Maybe that's what I'm still grieving.

[mat422]

You absolutely do not. This is the biggest trap I fell into. When you base your own self love on the love others give you, you never feel whole. Generating your own self love and acceptance is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. But it takes a bit to get over that hurdle of "why do I deserve this?" This is why it's called unconditional love for oneself, you don't need a reason.

[findingme]

You absolutely do not. This is the biggest trap I fell into. When you base your own self love on the love others give you, you never feel whole. Generating your own self love and acceptance is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. But it takes a bit to get over that hurdle of "why do I deserve this?" This is why it's called unconditional love for oneself, you don't need a reason.

I'm waiting on that acceptance, love, and trust of myself fully, really hoping DMSI will open my heart back up TO ME. I had a reminder today that I'm still seeking other's validation of me, as it happened before I left work.

I've been realizing some at my work are truly caring people. One woman, who's been nice to me, and the #2 boss. He's a pure alpha ex-Marine, but he's aware of others and himself enough to let one know when something's not right. Or when it's going well.

#2 boss wants me to work in his department as soon as a spot opens. But today I was feeling sad and tired, working hard, and I just didn't feel "complete". Like you said Matt, I was seeking him or anyone to "fill my whole".

Well, it was time to leave, and I began walking out, but turned towards his office to ask him what I'd manufactured in my head (to get his attention, honestly). I said,

"Is it possible for me to get a work review?"

"Why do you want a review?" (while keeping his eyes on his computer)

"I'd like to know if I'm doing ok.......but I'd really like to know if there's anything I need to improve"

"You're fine. If anything was wrong, I'd let you know" (Said quickly, still looking at his computer)

"Thanks. Silence is often worse for me than actually knowing I did something wrong"

"You're fine. I'll let you know if anything's wrong" (End of conversation. He never looked at me or stopped his computer work)


I left, with mixed feelings over seeking his validation of me. Like it looked good that I wanted to know how I was doing, seeking a good impression. But feeling incomplete, as I am still reliant of others for their approval of me.

Self reliance. When I wrote "reliant" above, I flashed back, to about a month ago when I was using LTU (it has self reliance scripting). I remember one work day this feeling/thought was stuck in my head (SELF reliant, self reliant....over and over again). The guy I had been working with, like 90% of the guys I work with, I'd usually been emotionally dependent on him giving me some kind of feedback that.....I was worthy.

Well, I realized that hour that I didn't NEED his attention or approval. It was new for me, a first. I remember asking myself "am I abandoning him emotionally?" It was a thought I had to search for, as guilt and fear often surrounded it--but it just wasn't there.

I didn't FEEL anything, or much at all during that hour. As I imagined positive possible outcomes, I did feel good. But my imagining was limited.
I thought:

What'll happen when I'm self reliant?
Will I gain friends? Will I lose some?
Will I need this job I'm in since I'm here depending on other men continually? (This EXCITED me)
Will I be more mature? Better able to socialize comfortably?

And others thoughts. DMSI, as much as I know, does not have specific self reliance scripting. Oh well, maybe feeling GOOD about myself will enable it

[Shawn]

I am sure you will profit from AM some day, either AM6 or AM7 when it comes out as this is all about self validation and being your own man.

[findingme]

In time I will Mr. Anderson. I've thought of it a lot.

I just picked up DMSI this morning. I'm going to listen tonight. I feel anxious, imagining it peeling back layers I've been covering up lately.

And yes, it'll work on clearing out old beliefs. I'll relax though. Worrying about possibilities never changed anything.

I turned on some music, and I'm relaxing now. The "noise" in my head can get too loud sometimes.

[findingme]

Running version A one loop right now. Have had it on 45 minutes already on Hybrid TS.

I honestly expected dynamite or something. I'm not caffeinated right now, but I assumed much more immediately noticable effects while running it. Well......I did almost zonk out in the first 15 minutes.

I'm going to reflect on this with my initial experiences running UD. I knew it would affect SOMETHING, and since I liked the idea of detoxing, I waited. My thoughts did change into what the script pointed me towards: accepting that I needed change, but I hadn't. As it brought down my walls, my mind's eye began opening, but mostly to an awareness that.......life was going on. I'd just sat by, hoping I'd change by some unknown force (some emotional moving), and sure enough, things began to change in me.

For DMSI, I'm sad some. I've held onto views, feelings, and lack of experiences with women thinking "if I don't change, I won't be hurt". I am completely unaware how this will flip. Even my imaginations have fear tagged onto them, tbh. So, I don't imagine many relationship possibilities.

That last sentence wasn't totally true. I've been interested in this girl at a local store. I'm just not sure how old she is. Most of the cashiers there are still in high school, and I assume she is close to their age. She does look legal though (skin, eyes). I just think she's a pretty face and a personality I may click with. I shopped there an hour ago for some weekend supplies, I saw her register was open, and for the 2nd time, I did not do some lame chase near the end our discussion.

Her: how are you?
Me: Ready to go home! (I came there right after work, again)
Her: I am too! I'm stuck here though for 2 more hours.

I said nothing more and left after my purchase was made.

The last time this exchange happened, it was in the evening. Her reply had been "I'll be off in 20 minutes" I had realized I could have said some lame invitation, but I didn't. I kept to being just "a customer" and left right after I paid.

Also, I've kind of gotten the sense that the store manager watches out for his cashiers. I've seen his reaction to me, as if he was trying to hide that he is watching how people interact with the many beautiful girls on staff.

I am making excuses. I see this. "Reasons to NOT initiate".

And like UD initially, I could only observe the changes happening in me. I didn't know then, and I don't know now. As secondary goals, I do look forward to the healthy diet/lifestyle and anti-procrastination modules. I'd love to clean up my place some!

I wonder if I'll dream too. A lot of guys post dreams, but I rarely remember mine. Due to what I've read on this forum, I believe it's emotionally based. NOTE: As I wrote those last words......my mind flashed back to 6th grade. WTF?? I felt so alone in 6th grade, as I had no friends, no brother to accompany me, well.... noone. ----DMSI ended around 10 minutes ago. Old emotional memories like that one are surfacing. Seems like DMSI is doing something. I'll write later if I need to. Probably sooner.

[findingme]

Having old emotions come up tags on to old music I grew up with. I heard this rendition about a year ago, a vocal composition of Toto's "Africa".

Thoughts and feelings are coming up. Music was my lifeline from 7th grade onward, and this recording touched me since......it is successful since all were on the same page, so to speak.

[Zane]

Healing Mode - Activated

[findingme]

This is new, and I'm questioning the very thinking common among some men, even here on the forum.

See, I went to another store today to get work snacks and such. I was alert to women around me since I've never (knowingly) had some aura coming off me.

I had done some reading this morning on the power of words, so I declined from going down that familiar "I don't deserve this" thinking. I usually purposely stay in my own business, not seeking other's attention, but again, I was curious how I was coming off with the aura.

(Funny). One old woman showed her thinking more obviously on her face, like......really? No stalking happened, but I'm appreciating honesty in people's reactions more.

And the cashier, a young chunky blond, was sweet and talkative to me. I went with it, enjoying the repressed flattery. Again, body shape doesn't speak nearly as loud as their message, and I was flattered myself.

What hit me while loading my stuff on my scooter and seeing some other women leaving out was my training that women were meant to be used. Even at work, many men view a hottie as one you only "poke and run". I feel really stupid--like a spoiled teenager--if I demand my wants be filled or pout if they're not (THIS is masculine training???)

I'm saying I felt comfortable talking to the cashier simply since my motive was to encourage her in her attempts to express herself around me. If I'd just looked for "X" and "Y", and not seen it, I'd have missed the pleasurable 2 minutes in line. Me accepting her as she was lessened the tension immediately, as I wasn't actively needing or seeking anything from her. Well, I looked to enjoy my time in line, and we BOTH made it happen.

I then went to my local gas station to fill up, I went in to pay, and an attractive latino girl rung me up. And I noticed something: I felt compelled to initiate a conversation. She jumped in quickly to my comment of how it was peaceful at the moment (the store's normally full), and she perked up. I also felt good since I didn't seek her out to "use" her (am I fibbing to myself?? ) I saw a beautiful smile come from her, without ugly self-serving strings on my side. I felt good about that. Really good.

So, I'm simply reframing my thinking of why women are around me in my life. How could I feel good when I'm in a relationship only to "take"? I couldn't. It's give and take. Me sharing oftentimes when I'd prefer to isolate. But there's always a return for one's effort. I may feel good about my actions, and from what I've picked up reading about other couple's lives, a good mate will oftentimes point out their partner's good points when the other is not seeing it. I can look forward to that kind of woman. They're keepers.

[Shawn]

I wonder if I'll dream too. A lot of guys post dreams, but I rarely remember mine.

Vitamin B help to remember dreams.

[findingme]

I wonder if I'll dream too. A lot of guys post dreams, but I rarely remember mine.

Vitamin B help to remember dreams.

Thanks. I already take a high dosage B-complex every day, but I took a second pill 10 minutes ago wondering if it might influence or encourage dreaming.

I said it's emotionally based since when I dream, all sorts of emotions come forth. I remember maybe 20 years back me feeling and living in a very emotional dream.......for dreams are a creative person's playground.

Sorry for the truth--but I traded happiness for survival back then, fearing failure of making it in the teaching industry I put myself in. Dreams equalled some childhood freedom, and seeking other adult's favor, I shamed that part of me. I left a major part of me behind.

(did I just say that??)

I was listening to this YT pianist while I wrote that. I was never big into Pink Floyd, but damn......I just got honest.... lots of memories there.

[findingme]

DMSI related?

I got an email from a woman I know who's done some credit repair for me. For a very small amount, I'm requesting funding (up to $40K) for business investments I've known of for many months.

I'm basking in not self sabotaging :-). This is really happening.......wow!

[findingme]

I just began writing a reply in a guy's journal here. I chose him since he didn't sound like he knew what he was doing. He sounded vulnerable, actually. My reply took almost 10 minutes to write, and I edited it/critiqued it endlessly. I didn't post it and went to the bathroom.

I realized something. My expectations, though they were there while writing, grew while taking a break. They became clear to me. They were the same feelings I had with my brother growing up. My brother was weak and vulnerable, and he hid it constantly with anger and bragging. Still, I expected him to lead me. But 10 minutes ago, my anger grew slowly, saying "are you paying attention to ME?!!! I HAVE NEEDS TOO!!" And I'd never written this guy either ("people who don't know me can't hurt me" thinking there). Those irrational "out of place" reactions have led me to stifle myself and even alienate myself before I destroy a relationship (or my reputation). Truthfully, I alienated myself many times when reacting like this, knowing it was out of place.

This is my truth, it's also why I'm on DMSI, the flagship for healing subs. I was listening to DMSI while writing the first reply. I am extremely grateful it's hitting my core, as I wasn't sure it would. I've been holding this back for decades.

I never posted the reply.