Let's bend some reality and muse randomly - DMSI 3.1

[Have at ye]

BTW., I think I am now consciously noticing that "cycle" thing Shannon keeps talking about. F. in. I am, right now, facing circumstances which are *eerily* similar to the same time last year: I find myself saddled with a boring editing job, I am facing health issues (a sinus/throat infection) and professional frustrations.

Thing is though, they are much lesser in impact than last year's... Boring editing job: check. Health issues: check (it was sinuses/teeth issues. I still remember the pain. Ouch ). Professional frustrations: much greater than they are now, heheheh.

Good thing the cycle's ending. In retrospect, yeah. The last 7-8 years were wonky...

BTW., the main conclusion to which I've come? It's time to quite smoking, like, for good, heh. Nothing good ever comes of it, and the only thing I've actually been using it for is masking anxiety and trying to escape negative emotions. And it does nothing to help - heck, the masking part is an illusion. Shouldn't be too hard, I've considered all the angles and it pretty much all comes down to a decision to stop. All that "addictive substance", "dopamine receptor mess up", etc. is pretty much bull. It's nicotine, not heroin, lol. If you get nervous, it's not the lack of cigarettes making you nervous, it's your emotions making you nervous, lol. Only thing that's going to happen is that I'm going to be coughing more for a time while my lungs are being cleared out. Shouldn't take long, though, as I'm going back to intensive singing practice once my throat is back in action, so that should accelerate the clearing process like, a lot.

[Have at ye]

It's been 21 days since I stopped using version 3.1. I'm still experiencing various effects concordant to using a strong subliminal program, like, for example, slight visual artifacts. So it's probably TID. Can't speak about any aura-related results lately (apart from various girls chatting me up through social media, but that's been a constant during my 3.1 run) as I've been staying home these past few days, trying to expedite healing the illness I've gone down with several days ago. I want to be done with it prior to 3.2's release, and also I need to be done with it before the 9th, as there's singing to be done.

Stopped doing Rule 4 stuff pretty much together with stopping ver. 3.1 as I want to be able to give ver. 3.2 a fair shake.

[Have at ye]

TID clearing/healing in definite progress. I feel the Wall closing in, lol, and certain aspects of myself are less than pleased about it - I get angry, aggressive impulses and imagery from them. It's just the part that was doing its damnedest to slip through 3.1, going as far as to sabotage my overall progress, but it's close to getting on-board. I think I've got the general gist of what's what now. In short: there's a part of me that craves dependency, and will not feel safe or satisfied unless it receives "full-service" attention and comfort *from the outside*/from other people, as it feels as though it has not gotten it, like, ever. Probably a developmental thing, I can see multiple reasons that it is so, but unfortunately no single definite "oy, that's when the dog done died" moment in my recollections; it is quite possible that it has begun forming prior to conscious memory forming (and I have an extremely good memory), and then was further reinforced by: 1) being hopeful that this time around, the needs will be met, 2) getting burned again. And again. And again. And afterwards setting myself up to get burned again. And again. And again to reinforce the truth of its beliefs pertaining to the particular survival strategy that has emerged in response to these experiences.

The saddest fact is that the survival strategy is at COMPLETE ODDS to the needs as expressed by this part of myself/my subconscious. It consists of: a) not trusting anyone to meet my needs, b) the obsessive need for control and self-control, which springs from the belief that no one is there to meet my needs unconditionally, or even without giving me the short end of the stick in the bargain, c) a drive for independence and self-reliance - BUT, as evidenced above, these all sprout from a subconscious CRAVING for being dependent in order to feel safe. See how wonky it gets? It's no wonder doing certain things, and effecting certain changes was like pulling teeth for me: MY SUBCONSCIOUS DRIVES HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH CONTRADICTORY AGENDAS ALL THIS TIME. AAAAARRRGH.

So, yeah, that's that, in short. I might try to write something more lucid/more elaborate on this subject at a later date, but now I've got a boring editing job on which I've been procrastinating and want off my plate ASAP. Afterwards, I'll be free to muse randomly to my heart's content.

(Interestingly enough, I've revisited the "Hannibal Lecter" trilogy by Thomas Harris for some reason while procrastinating [Red Dragon, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal]. Even though they're "psychological thrillers", quite a bit of... very interesting insights can be found within, once you look past the *trigger-warning* worthy, shadow-titillating content, lol]

[Have at ye]

Huh. "The dog done died". Just learned that, apparently, I almost got killed by the incompetence of the medical staff at the hospital where I was born. I was an early birth, and had to be put in an incubator. They set the temperature much too high and did something wrong with the respirator, which nearly caused me to choke on my vomit, and then left me in a corner of the maternity ward without the supervision required in such a case. Got saved only through the fact that my mom used to work as an anesthesiologist at the hospital, went to check up on me herself (despite being in a haze after getting knocked out by what she says was waaaaay to much anesthetic for a C-section) and noticed WTF is going on. And then she proceeded to bust heads. Fortunately she had gravitas in that hospital, so the people responsible followed her directions and did what they were supposed to do in the first place.

[Have at ye]

Feeling definitely on edge today. Kinda ragey, but not altogether in a negative manner (though there are flashes of pure anger from God-knows-where. It's pretty much directionless). Would really like to be healed up enough to go and get some action going, lol. Also working on the boring editing job, going at it pretty fast, too. Less of a drive to procrastinate, though that might have been my body telling me it needs rest to heal.

There's definitely something going on in my thinking right now.

[Have at ye]

Hmm. Last night, I found myself asking myself: "do I really and truly *want* what DMSI will offer, assuming full execution of the program's goals?"

And the answer I got was a rather resounding "not really"

I'm still going to use it, though.

EDIT

I think this is actually a really, really good sign. Because it is the truth, and honesty with oneself. I can work with the truth.

[Have at ye]

For some reason, the above post looks really nice in conjunction with my forum signature.

[Have at ye]

All this talk of The Wall makes me think of this:

You either execute or you'd better...





Right, back to work.

[Have at ye]

Okay, I think I'll be starting a new journal for ver. 3.2 soon.

Unfortunately, I've been much too busy lately to observe or analyze any possibly TID-related things (although out of the stuff I did notice, and certain interactions, it does bode well for future use); things are going to be totes crazy, professionally-wise, hereabouts for about the next two weeks, with plentiful grounds for seeing ver 3.2 do its thing.

I do miss the aura, though. The TID thing does not seem to cut it - it's been more like my baseline has increased tremendously through my time with ver. 3.1, and also through the TID interaction with ver 3.2, but it's nothing compared to bombarding your brain with direct instructions to do the aura dance. I do observer some auric manipulation-related phenomena, though (f. in. state-shifts, increased bodyheat, increased hunger, etc.)

I did notice my mind making a pretty drastic shift from the "meet-'em-halfway" thing to none of that: it's like I've gotten so used to firing right back with flirtation etc. that my first impulse when interacting with an attractive woman would be to fire right back at her (which is what I'd been doing constantly on ver 3.1), but now I've noticed the impulse being followed by a "nope! Easy there, tiger!" from another part of my subconscious. Should be interesting to see it play out.

This should be fun. See you peeps when 3.2 lands!

[Jake2015]

Okay, I think I'll be starting a new journal for ver. 3.2 soon.

Unfortunately, I've been much too busy lately to observe or analyze any possibly TID-related things (although out of the stuff I did notice, and certain interactions, it does bode well for future use); things are going to be totes crazy, professionally-wise, hereabouts for about the next two weeks, with plentiful grounds for seeing ver 3.2 do its thing.

I do miss the aura, though. The TID thing does not seem to cut it - it's been more like my baseline has increased tremendously through my time with ver. 3.1, and also through the TID interaction with ver 3.2, but it's nothing compared to bombarding your brain with direct instructions to do the aura dance. I do observer some auric manipulation-related phenomena, though (f. in. state-shifts, increased bodyheat, increased hunger, etc.)

I did notice my mind making a pretty drastic shift from the "meet-'em-halfway" thing to none of that: it's like I've gotten so used to firing right back with flirtation etc. that my first impulse when interacting with an attractive woman would be to fire right back at her (which is what I'd been doing constantly on ver 3.1), but now I've noticed the impulse being followed by a "nope! Easy there, tiger!" from another part of my subconscious. Should be interesting to see it play out.

This should be fun. See you peeps when 3.2 lands!

Get ready, its only days away now

[Have at ye]

Okay, I think I'll be starting a new journal for ver. 3.2 soon.

Unfortunately, I've been much too busy lately to observe or analyze any possibly TID-related things (although out of the stuff I did notice, and certain interactions, it does bode well for future use); things are going to be totes crazy, professionally-wise, hereabouts for about the next two weeks, with plentiful grounds for seeing ver 3.2 do its thing.

I do miss the aura, though. The TID thing does not seem to cut it - it's been more like my baseline has increased tremendously through my time with ver. 3.1, and also through the TID interaction with ver 3.2, but it's nothing compared to bombarding your brain with direct instructions to do the aura dance. I do observer some auric manipulation-related phenomena, though (f. in. state-shifts, increased bodyheat, increased hunger, etc.)

I did notice my mind making a pretty drastic shift from the "meet-'em-halfway" thing to none of that: it's like I've gotten so used to firing right back with flirtation etc. that my first impulse when interacting with an attractive woman would be to fire right back at her (which is what I'd been doing constantly on ver 3.1), but now I've noticed the impulse being followed by a "nope! Easy there, tiger!" from another part of my subconscious. Should be interesting to see it play out.

This should be fun. See you peeps when 3.2 lands!

Get ready, its only days away now

Yeah. Had a totally crazy day, too - I mean, I think I've ran into at least 8-10 women I find attractive (I've honestly lost count sometime around 6 PM, lol) and know that they most probably find me attractive also (several of whom were giving good responses to ver. 3.1) and interacted with each to various extents - with their responses boding well. It was eerily similar to when I was still executing ver. 3.1 prior to my fears giving me cold feet and halting the process (after which execution was kinda hit-or-miss), but on a grander scale, lol.

Also, I'm physically exhausted now (but that's also because I've been swamped with work this past week, and had 6 hours of rehearsal today, too, because why the hell not). Totally sleeping in tomorrow, lol.

[Jake2015]

Okay, I think I'll be starting a new journal for ver. 3.2 soon.

Unfortunately, I've been much too busy lately to observe or analyze any possibly TID-related things (although out of the stuff I did notice, and certain interactions, it does bode well for future use); things are going to be totes crazy, professionally-wise, hereabouts for about the next two weeks, with plentiful grounds for seeing ver 3.2 do its thing.

I do miss the aura, though. The TID thing does not seem to cut it - it's been more like my baseline has increased tremendously through my time with ver. 3.1, and also through the TID interaction with ver 3.2, but it's nothing compared to bombarding your brain with direct instructions to do the aura dance. I do observer some auric manipulation-related phenomena, though (f. in. state-shifts, increased bodyheat, increased hunger, etc.)

I did notice my mind making a pretty drastic shift from the "meet-'em-halfway" thing to none of that: it's like I've gotten so used to firing right back with flirtation etc. that my first impulse when interacting with an attractive woman would be to fire right back at her (which is what I'd been doing constantly on ver 3.1), but now I've noticed the impulse being followed by a "nope! Easy there, tiger!" from another part of my subconscious. Should be interesting to see it play out.

This should be fun. See you peeps when 3.2 lands!

Get ready, its only days away now

Yeah. Had a totally crazy day, too - I mean, I think I've ran into at least 8-10 women I find attractive (I've honestly lost count sometime around 6 PM, lol) and know that they most probably find me attractive also (several of whom were giving good responses to ver. 3.1) and interacted with each to various extents - with their responses boding well. It was eerily similar to when I was still executing ver. 3.1 prior to my fears giving me cold feet and halting the process (after which execution was kinda hit-or-miss), but on a grander scale, lol.

Also, I'm physically exhausted now (but that's also because I've been swamped with work this past week, and had 6 hours of rehearsal today, too, because why the hell not). Totally sleeping in tomorrow, lol.

haha thats great but im now wondering since you have done 3.1 already, then whether that TID effect will manifest in you greater than in someone like me who hasnt done 3.1. (im a stonewaller but for arguments sake lets ignore that for now lol)

[Have at ye]

Okay, I think I'll be starting a new journal for ver. 3.2 soon.

Unfortunately, I've been much too busy lately to observe or analyze any possibly TID-related things (although out of the stuff I did notice, and certain interactions, it does bode well for future use); things are going to be totes crazy, professionally-wise, hereabouts for about the next two weeks, with plentiful grounds for seeing ver 3.2 do its thing.

I do miss the aura, though. The TID thing does not seem to cut it - it's been more like my baseline has increased tremendously through my time with ver. 3.1, and also through the TID interaction with ver 3.2, but it's nothing compared to bombarding your brain with direct instructions to do the aura dance. I do observer some auric manipulation-related phenomena, though (f. in. state-shifts, increased bodyheat, increased hunger, etc.)

I did notice my mind making a pretty drastic shift from the "meet-'em-halfway" thing to none of that: it's like I've gotten so used to firing right back with flirtation etc. that my first impulse when interacting with an attractive woman would be to fire right back at her (which is what I'd been doing constantly on ver 3.1), but now I've noticed the impulse being followed by a "nope! Easy there, tiger!" from another part of my subconscious. Should be interesting to see it play out.

This should be fun. See you peeps when 3.2 lands!

Get ready, its only days away now

Yeah. Had a totally crazy day, too - I mean, I think I've ran into at least 8-10 women I find attractive (I've honestly lost count sometime around 6 PM, lol) and know that they most probably find me attractive also (several of whom were giving good responses to ver. 3.1) and interacted with each to various extents - with their responses boding well. It was eerily similar to when I was still executing ver. 3.1 prior to my fears giving me cold feet and halting the process (after which execution was kinda hit-or-miss), but on a grander scale, lol.

Also, I'm physically exhausted now (but that's also because I've been swamped with work this past week, and had 6 hours of rehearsal today, too, because why the hell not). Totally sleeping in tomorrow, lol.

haha thats great but im now wondering since you have done 3.1 already, then whether that TID effect will manifest in you greater than in someone like me who hasnt done 3.1. (im a stonewaller but for arguments sake lets ignore that for now lol)

Possibly. The parts of my personality/subconscious/awareness/whatever that were responding well to ver 3.1 are all set and ready to go. The ones that did not are going to be worked one through ver 3.2, and the ones that are already on-board are gonna help out with that, according to what Shannon's written in his journal some time back, IIRC.

[Jake2015]

That sounds epic, and I look forward to reading your 3.2 journal.